For most of us the third commandment to “not take the Lord’s name in vain” feels like a gentle reminder to watch our language, avoid the OMGs, and then move on. It’s easy to disregard this command as not very important.

In this episode of our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Shay examines the third commandment to see how it applies to our lives today. You won’t be surprised to find out that it’s still relevant, but you may not be aware of ways in which you break this commandment without realizing it.

When you misuse God’s name, you diminish his power, authority, and the very essence of his being. God’s name isn’t just a meaningless label, but a revelation of his character, faithfulness and covenant love. Speaking God’s name carelessly or flippantly is an offense to his identity: the great I AM.

At the end of this episode, you’ll understand why God’s name is the most powerful name in the world, and why your words and actions should reflect his glory rather than diminish it.

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Highlights from this Episode

Today I have the privilege of talking about the third commandment. If you don’t remember exactly what the Bible says, I’ll read it for you: Exodus 20:7 states, “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.”

The first commandment prohibits worshiping false gods; you can understand why that’s a big deal to God. The second prohibits worshiping God in the wrong way: no idols or graven images. That commandment makes sense too; an invisible God has the right to determine how he is to be made visible or not. Those are big commands and naturally, big offenses.

By comparison, the third commandment can feel low key: watch your words, avoid saying “Oh my God,” and don’t swear. But taking the Lord’s name in vain is far more serious, and far broader, than that.

More Than Just Words

The Hebrew word shav, translated as “vain”, means empty, worthless, or false. So this commandment forbids any use of God’s name that treats it as weightless, trivial, or tied to wrong purposes. We often reduce this to simply avoiding profanity. And while verses like Ephesians 4:29 warn against corrupting and unwholesome talk, this command reaches much deeper.

This beautiful prayer gives an idea of just how broad the third commandment is:

O Lord my God, I confess that I have not honored your name. When facing disappointment, I accuse your character, often under my breath or by withdrawing from you. You want me to cry out to you in time of need, but I expect very little of your name.

Sometimes I gravitate towards only one of your many names, avoiding the parts of your nature that aren’t useful to me. At times, I love you in name only, having God on my lips, but keeping my heart and my life far from you. I fail to honor the vows that I’ve taken in your name, to my spouse, the church community, or the offices I hold in the church or workplace.

At times, I invoke your name or your word to defend a personal cause or opinion, when really I just want to shield myself from criticism. And I have dishonored you before others. Like Peter, I deny you when bearing the name of Christ costs me. I obsess over preserving my reputation before others, ever striving to make a name for myself, but care very little for yours.

To my shame, you are reviled by many because of my hypocrisy and my self-righteousness. I need Jesus. Father, have mercy on me through the one who died, rose and was exalted and given the name that is above every name.

Consider how this might show up in your own life: accusing God’s character when you’re disappointed; expecting very little from him; or gravitating toward only the parts of his nature that feel useful. Loving him “in name only,” with God on your lips but your heart far from him. Breaking vows made in his name—to a spouse, a church, or a calling. Invoking God to defend a personal opinion, or to shield yourself from criticism.

Why God’s Name Carries Weight

The third commandment is the only one that carries this explicit warning: “The Lord will not hold him guiltless.” Why is this such a serious matter? It’s serious because God’s name is not a small thing; it’s bound up with who he is. In Exodus 3, when Moses asks God his name, God responds, “I AM WHO I AM.” His name reveals his very being as self-existent, sovereign, and faithful.

The third commandment also forbids false oaths, which means swearing by God’s name in ways that are untrue or insincere (Leviticus 19). And it warns against claiming to speak on God’s behalf when he has not spoken, something Scripture repeatedly confronts in false prophets and empty religious leadership.

To take his name in vain is not just a speech issue; it’s a relational one. It violates the covenant relationship we have with him. We understand this instinctively in human relationships. When someone gives their word and then casually breaks their promise or says, “It didn’t mean anything,” it deeply wounds the other person. Why? Because names, promises, and identity are never neutral. They carry weight.

The same is true, even more so, with God. Scripture consistently exalts his name: “How majestic is your name” (Psalm 8), “Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name” (Psalm 29), “Hallowed be your name” (Matthew 6), “There is no other name…by which we must be saved” (Acts 4), and “At the name of Jesus every knee should bow” (Philippians 2).

How Might You Take God’s Name in Vain?

• You do it when you attach God’s name to what is false and untrue, like lying under oath, exaggerating truth, or using spiritual language to give your words more authority than they deserve.

• You do it when you claim divine authority for your opinions or plans, especially in areas where Scripture does not speak clearly. Saying, “If you were a real Christian, you would think this way,” or casually claiming, “God told me,” without humility or caution belittles God’s name.

• You do it through careless speech, when you use God’s name in anger, as a throwaway phrase, or without reverence. This reflects an attitude that treats the name of our Creator, Savior, and King as common. This includes favoring entertainment (movies, TV, memes) that use God’s name carelessly as well.

• You do it by using God’s name for personal gain: money, influence, or reputation. Using spiritual platforms, language, or identity to advance yourself while your heart is disengaged.

• You do it by being phony—going through the motions in worship, singing or praying words you don’t mean, letting your lips move while your heart drifts.

• And most importantly, you take his name in vain when your life contradicts the name you bear as one of his children.

Living Like You Bear His Name

As Christians, we represent Jesus to the world. Our actions, words, and attitudes reflect on him. God makes this point in Ezekiel 36, where he announces to the people that he’s going to do a new thing: “I’m going to put my spirit in your heart and move you to follow my decrees, because you bear my name.”

So you have to remember that others are watching you. There is both privilege and responsibility that comes with bearing the name of Christ. People may not expect perfection, but they do notice authenticity.

Colossians 3:17 brings it all together: “Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Obeying the third commandment means living all of life under his name, with reverence, honesty, and integrity.

His Gift to You

Jesus is the only person who perfectly “hallowed” the Father’s name. And it’s the same name he gives us when he adopts us as sons and daughters! It’s a gift to you despite the many ways you stain the beauty of his character. In other words, we take his name in vain, yet he puts his name on us. He does this because of his grace and mercy.

So as you go about your week, keep this in mind: God’s name isn’t something to use lightly, but something to honor and revere. The goal isn’t perfection, but a growing awareness that his name is on you in everything you say and do. And when you fall short—and you will—remember, you’re not cast off; you’re covered by grace. Ask for his help, stay close to him, and let your life reflect the weight and beauty of the name you bear.

From the very beginning, God sets himself apart from every other so-called god. While ancient cultures were filled with competing deities, the God of Israel makes a bold claim: he alone is God over all people for all times and places. If that’s true, then his commands aren’t situational or cultural—they’re universally binding.

That’s a claim that can feel uncomfortable, even offensive, but it forces us to wrestle with a deeper question: where do our moral standards actually come from?

In this discerning episode of our new series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Lynn and Shay take a look at the first and second commandments and what it looks like to live them out in today’s world. It turns out that idolatry isn’t just an ancient problem. It shows up in the things we rely on for meaning, security, and identity. Whether it’s approval, control, or success, these “functional gods” promise a lot but leave us empty.

Together, the first and second commandments confront the question of who we worship and how—and ultimately point us back to a God who cannot be reduced, replaced, or replicated. Take some time to listen or read along and consider: who or what is at the center of your life?

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Highlights from this Episode

In our new series, we’re going to be walking through the Ten Commandments and making the case that these ancient words are relevant to your life today. As our series title implies, the commandments really are “keys to the universe”. They’re not arbitrary rules or cultural opinions. God intended them to be for our well-being and flourishing, and you’re going to be blessed if you follow them.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, “What would the world actually look like if everyone kept the Ten Commandments?” We may gripe and complain about rules and laws and regulations but think about what an amazing place the world would be if these 10 rules were obeyed.

You wouldn’t need locks on your door. You wouldn’t need fraud protection or defense budgets or contracts or courts or prisons. The entire architecture of social distrust that we’ve built and spend trillions of dollars maintaining exists largely because these 10 rules are being constantly broken everywhere.

Studying the Ten Commandments is important because the biblical definition of freedom is not ‘doing whatever you want’. Too often the commandments are seen as constraints, as if God’s ways will keep us in servitude and from realizing our dreams and reaching our potential. We forget that God means to give us abundant life.

Obeying the commandments is not how we get God to love us and accept us. We obey because he loves and accepts us. That’s the order in the Old Testament too. In Exodus 19, God identifies the Israelites as a kingdom of priests and a holy nation, set apart by his grace. Then in Exodus 20, he gives them the commandments. As Christians, we too are a kingdom of priests and a holy nation, and we too must look different and have rules the world doesn’t understand.

Love, Law, and Worship

People may say that the commandments are outdated because they were given in the Old Testament, but that when Jesus came, he was about love and compassion and grace. But all of the commandments, except for the Sabbath, are repeated in the New Testament as well, summarized by Jesus’ command to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.”

Jesus’ statement accomplished a few things. First, he simplified the law by summarizing it into two basic principles. Then he unified the law because he said that all of the commandments are designed to establish relational love and human flourishing. Last, he deepened the meaning of the law because he moved it from external behavior to matters of the heart.

There are two words that will anchor us throughout this entire series. The first word is worship, which is to honor, adore, give reverence to, or give yourself over to something. We are created to worship, but the fundamental question of your life is, “Who or what will you worship?”

The second word is idol. Biblically, an idol is any person, thing, desire, or idea, whether it’s tangible or intangible, that receives the devotion, trust, awe, and ultimate allegiance that belongs to God. An idol, by definition, is the object of disordered worship. Since humans are inescapably worshiping creatures, the first two commandments are foundational in helping us worship correctly.

Worshipping God Alone

The first commandment says, “You shall have no other gods before me.” What are the implications of this commandment and how can you keep it in today’s world?

First of all, God is saying it’s possible to be a sincere worshiper yet still worship the wrong God. That’s the reason for the very first commandment. God is not interested in being one god among many. Lots of ancient cultures had impressive-sounding gods and goddesses. What set the Israelites apart from the other nations was that their God, Yahweh, demanded to be worshiped alone as the only God, the God of all gods.

Second, if there’s one God and he’s supreme over all places, people, territories, and tribes, then the rest of the commandments aren’t just for some people in some times and places, depending on their circumstances. The other commandments are true for everyone, everywhere.

This exclusive claim of Christianity can feel offensive. As Jesus himself said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life, and no one gets to God except through me.” When God rallied the Israelites and told them that he was the one true God, it was just as radical then as it seems to be today. And the other nations weren’t happy about it.

Think about the reason behind this. A truly authoritative moral law cannot exist without a divine moral lawgiver. Someone outside of time and space must speak into this world to tell us how to live. If our moral obligations are to have any force or binding obligation behind them, they must rest on something more than just majority opinion or our own personal sense of right or wrong. In fact, there aren’t even categories like “right” or “wrong” without an independent law-giver.

Exclusive Love and Worship

How do we keep the first commandment? First, we choose to love God exclusively. The first commandment is predicated on what the Lord did for the Israelites in Egypt. He saved them. He rescued them. He delivered them. He has a claim over them. When God says, “I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt,” in Exodus 22, he is reminding them of the plagues and the Red Sea.

In other words, he’s saying to them, “Why would you trust any other so-called God?” Idolatry or worship of another God is in some sense like adultery. Like bringing another person into a marriage. That never seems to work out!

In addition, don’t misunderstand the phrase, ‘no other gods before me’. God is not saying that there are a bunch of gods out there and we should pick him. He’s saying there are no other gods besides me.

The second way to follow the first commandment is to be aware of those idols or those false gods that we worship. The late Tim Keller made a list of idols of the heart when he taught through the book of Romans. As they’re defined, examine your own heart for any of these:

• Approval idolatry: Life only has meaning if I’m loved and respected by a certain person or group.

• Comfort idolatry: Life only has meaning if I have a certain socioeconomic level or quality of life.

• Control idolatry: Life only has meaning if I can have mastery over my life in a particular area.

• Work idolatry: Life only has meaning if I’m highly productive or successful or at least seen that way.

• Individual person idolatry: Life only has meaning if this one person in my life is happy with me.

• Ideology idolatry: Life only has meaning if my political party or social cause is gaining influence or power.

In and of themselves, these can all be good things, but when idolized they make terrible gods. They always let you down. You can get the money, win the election, achieve the promotion, and it still doesn’t satisfy. That’s because these false gods are dangerous; when pursued at all costs they lead to the denigration of human life. We think we’re in control when we build an idol, but how could anything we create with our hands or minds be more powerful than we are?

Isaiah 44 paints this picture so vividly: a man cuts down a tree, uses half to warm himself by the fire, and turns the other half into a god and bows to it, saying, “Deliver me.” It’s absurd. It’s not alive, not breathing, completely powerless. Yet we do this all the time when we worship idols of success, happiness, love, and even ourselves. The result is anxiety, anger, unhappiness, and broken relationships. Idols always over-promise and under-deliver.

A God Beyond Images and Statues

The second commandment says, “Do not make a carved image or any likeness of anything in creation and bow down to it.” The first commandment tells us who to worship; the second tells us how. So while the first prohibits worshiping other gods, the second prohibits worshiping the one true God in a way that misrepresents who he is. To think of God as having a physical form like something in his creation is to diminish and demean him.

And yet we see how quickly God’s people fell into this. Every other nation had physical representations of their gods, so the Israelites wanted to be like them. Moses goes up the mountain, and when he’s gone too long, they gather their gold and form a golden calf—not necessarily thinking it was God, but that it represented him. And God is furious, because it reduces him to something created. Moses makes them burn it, grind it down, mix it with water, and drink it. They had to taste the bitterness of their idolatry. It’s a clear picture: idol worship always leads to bitterness. It never satisfies.

The ancient world made gods out of everything, but God’s people were meant to be different. “In the beginning, God created.” He is separate from his creation. He can’t be captured in an image or form. And yet, over and over, whether it’s the golden calf, the ark treated like a good luck charm, or the temple itself, we see people trying to approach God on their own terms.

Worship Without Images or Idols

Faith comes from hearing and reading the word of God, not seeing physical representations. The one exception would be the Lord’s Supper. Jesus commanded us to do it in remembrance of his sacrifice. But the bread and wine are representations. They are not special on their own, and they do not become the body and blood of Christ. We don’t venerate or worship the elements.

Keeping the second commandment today means guarding against images of God both external and imagined. Remember, God is a jealous God, so we must avoid infusing any created things with divine eminence and spiritual efficacy. We shouldn’t focus on icons or images during prayer, let alone kissing or kneeling before an image or a statue. If we bow or pray to the image or relic or icon, or think that we need it to be closer to God, that’s a violation of the second commandment.

The Ultimate Question

The first two commandments are really asking one question and it’s the most important question that you will ever answer. Who will you worship and how will you worship? We encourage you to use these diagnostic questions to examine your own heart. It’s the starting point for aligning your heart with God’s commands.

You’re trying to make the right decisions, but everything feels a little unclear and maybe even overwhelming. And in those moments, there are a lot of voices telling you, “This is the way forward.”

But what if God has already given you something trustworthy to guide you?

Welcome to our new series called 10 Keys To the Universe, an examination of the Ten Commandments and how they relate to our lives today. In this foundational episode, John and Austin will take a fresh look at the Ten Commandments and how they function as a compass for navigating the unpredictable and painful wilderness of life.

They’ll explain how the commandments protect you, bring you real freedom, help move forward what God is doing in the world, and even expose what’s going on in your own heart in a way that leads you back to grace.

And then they’ll land on the most important piece: what Jesus has to do with all of this. Because once you understand how he fulfilled the law, it completely changes how you see the commandments: not as something you have to do, but something you get to do.

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Highlights from this Episode

Broadly speaking, when you’re in the wilderness—it’s not fun! You’re lost, tired, overwhelmed; you’re looking for perspective, a next step, a way to get help. For you, maybe navigating the wilderness looks like trying figure out an issue with your kids or your marriage. Maybe it’s mental health issues or chronic illness. Maybe it’s healing from childhood wounds or dealing with a difficult family member.

For as long as there have been people, there have been different “compasses” that promise a way out of the wilderness. Some of the ones available today are:

• substances or processes (addictions, basically)

• influencers and social media

• the health industry

• the self-help industry

• ChatGPT(!)

In the midst of all of those, God has a “compass” for you as well: the Ten Commandments. He gave the commandments to the Israelites when they were in a literal wilderness. They had been enslaved for 400 years in Egypt. God freed the Israelites from slavery and helped them cross the Red Sea. It was during this time that Moses went up Mt. Sinai and God gave him the Ten Commandments.

Because the Ten Commandments were originally given to the Israelites thousands of years ago, you may not think about them very much. You may even wonder if they have any application to your life today. But the Ten Commandments aren’t something to dismiss, or gloss over, or relegate to your spiritual life on Sunday. Instead, they are meant to saturate and permeate your perspective throughout the entirety of your week!

The Ten Commandments have 5 different purposes, and once you know those purposes, you’ll get a sense of why they’re worth following.

Why the Ten Commandments Still Matter

1. The Ten Commandments offer protection

Imagine that you’re living in a lawless country where the government has been overthrown, and there are multiple roving bands who are pillaging and dominating the countryside, harming others. You’re hoping that someone will establish a stable society with laws set up to defend the weak and powerless and punish the offenders.

This is what the Ten Commandments were to the newly formed nation of Israel. They were foundational and clear markers of what life should look like among the people, and they didn’t bring people down; they offered the Israelites protection. Likewise, the Ten Commandments today offer guidelines that make for a better world, and even non-Christians can recognize that following them benefits society.

2. The Ten Commandments offer freedom

Where is God? When you’re not sure, you look in odd places: the energy surge of a shopping binge, the thrill of drinking or gambling. Of course, God is not found there. What is there is a feeling of the transcendent, a dopamine surge of glory that elevates you beyond your momentary pain. It’s an elusive and fleeting feeling of control. This is your equivalent of a golden calf, but it never brings true fulfillment.

Every healthy relationship requires honesty, and your relationship with God is no different. The Ten Commandments are one of the best facilitators of honesty with God. Why? These commands are like a lamp on a dark path, showing you what loving God and your neighbor looks like and ushering you towards the bright path of love. Without that lamp, you would end up in the woods.

3. The Ten Commandments are a blueprint to further God’s mission.

A thread that holds the entirety of the Bible together is the fact that God is on a mission. Genesis 12:1-3 says, “​​The Lord had said to Abram, ‘Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.’”

God is on a mission to bless his entire creation, which is needed because sin has infected it. How is God going to do this? Well, as the story unfolds, the Ten Commandments are a foundational and significant means by which God will bless others: bless the Israelites and bless the surrounding pagan nations through the behavior of the Israelites.

For example, look at the 4^th commandment: Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy. Israel was meant to rest because God did the same thing on the seventh day of creation. Imagine you live next door to a family who rests regularly, and how appealing that would be! Seeing the Israelites rest gave the pagan nations a tangible glimpse of what life looks like following God. The hope was to persuade these nations to turn from their idolatry and follow the one true God.

4. The Ten Commandments help restrain sin.

The Ten Commandments serve as a mirror of your heart, revealing how miserably you fail in this endeavor to love others, and how desperately you need the grace of Jesus. Truth be told, you’d never admit this about yourself unless this ego-piercing reflection is placed right before your eyes. You have a great need to cultivate honesty with God and the commandments help you to be honest with God about the state of your heart.

The commandments provide ‘common grace’ (available to all, not just Christians) to keep this sinful world from being as bad as it could be. If you want to respond to God and others with love, they provide a way to be do that. If you want to live in a world characterized by God’s love, you have the commandments as a guide. You will fail to reflect the commandments perfectly, but you will receive God’s grace and mercy over and over again.

5. The Ten Commandments provide a window into God’s character.

Jerram Barrs wrote a book called Delighting in the Law of the Lord where he makes the point that the Ten Commandments are not a burdensome set of rules, but a “window into God’s character” and a guide to the good life.

He says, “Through the 10 commandments, God is shown to be authoritative, holy, deserving of exclusive worship, concerned with the honor of his name, a provider of rest, and a defender of life, marriage, property, and truth.”

Fulfilled by Jesus, Lived by You

Jesus fulfilled the commandments by living a sinless life of perfect obedience, embodying the intent of the law through love, and serving as the perfect, atoning sacrifice. Rather than abolishing the law, he “filled it to the full,” completing its purpose and establishing a new covenant.

In Matthew 5:17-19, Jesus says:

Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

You may be wondering if you have to obey the Ten Commandments. You don’t have to, because Jesus fulfilled the law. When God looks at anyone who claims to love and serve and trust in Jesus, he doesn’t see your failures, but he sees Jesus. As he said of Jesus in Luke 3, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.”

If you’re relieved to hear that you don’t have to follow the Ten Commandments, then you’ve missed it...while you don’t have to, you get to. You want to follow them when you realize how good, faithful, pleasing, and trustworthy they are and how they reveal God’s character and his mission for the world.

Because of Jesus, you’re not trying to earn anything by following God’s commands. You’re invited into a way of living that’s good, freeing, and deeply rooted in God’s character. As you go about your week, don’t just leave this as an idea—start to see the commandments as a guide you actually get to follow that will bring blessing in your life.

We designed these episodes to be useful espresso shots full of wisdom that will leave you with a greater sense of confidence to handle all that life is throwing at you.

How to Manage a Panic Attack

In this practical start to our series, Austin delves into panic attacks: what they are, why they feel so intense, and, most importantly, what you can do in the moment when one hits. He’ll help you understand what’s happening in your body, learn practical tools to calm your system, and remember that you’re not alone in the middle of it.

Listen: Manage a Panic Attack

Read: Manage a Panic Attack

How to Handle Unanswered Prayer

In this powerful conversation, Shay sits down with his father-in-law, Pastor Erwin Lutzer, about the discouragement of unanswered prayer. When your earnest prayers seem to go unanswered, it’s difficult to comprehend how God’s “no” might serve a greater unseen purpose. It turns out that God may accomplish more through unanswered prayer than through the answers you long for.

Listen: Unanswered Prayer

Read: Unanswered Prayer

How to Deal With Difficult People

Do you have a difficult person in your life? In this perceptive episode, John shares three effective, biblically-based strategies for dealing with difficult people. He’ll also explain God’s different responses to repentant and unrepentant people, why gentleness works in some situations but not in others, and how boundaries can actually be a form of kindness.

Listen: Difficult People

Read: Difficult People

How to Handle Stress

Chronic stress can lead to burnout, cynicism, numbness, or feeling disconnected from yourself and from God. Listen in as Lynn shares 3 intentional shifts you can make right now so you can move out of survival mode and into a more grounded, present, and renewed way of living.

Listen: Handle Stress

Read: Handle Stress

How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You

One of the Bible’s hardest commands is forgiving someone who has hurt you. Jesus’ words from the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us” sounds good, but it can feel impossible in the face of a painful offense. In this episode, Austin will encourage and equip you to enter a process of forgiveness that leads to freedom and hope, one step at a time.

Listen: Forgiveness

Read: Forgiveness

How to Know God’s Will

Modern life bombards you with endless choices (career, marriage, major life moves), often leaving you fearful you will miss God’s “perfect” path. But overanalyzing every detail and possible option can keep you paralyzed with anxiety or regret.

Drawing from insights in the book Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung, Shay will walk you through three biblical categories of God’s will and then get practical about two of the biggest decisions you might face: what career path to follow and who to marry.

Listen: God's Will

Read: God's Will

How to Handle Anger Towards God

Have you ever felt angry with God… and then immediately felt guilty for even thinking that way? You’ll want to listen in as John talks about what it means to feel anger toward God and why bringing that anger into the light might be one of the most transformative steps in your spiritual life.

You’ll discover why it’s okay to be angry, the way that anger protests and protects, what anger can teach you about your soul, and how to use lament to communicate your anger to God in a healthy way.

Listen: Anger Towards God

Read: Anger Towards God

How to Accept Estranged Relationships

Estrangement is one of the most painful and misunderstood experiences in family life, yet it’s far more common than most people realize. In this thoughtful episode, Lynn walks through what estrangement actually is, why it happens, and how it impacts a family on multiple levels.

She’ll share 5 hard but essential truths for anyone navigating estrangement, including why reconciliation isn’t guaranteed, how to navigate the feelings of grief and loss, and insight about the ripple effects of estrangement.

Listen: Estranged Relationships

Read: Estranged Relationships

How to Handle Singleness

In this compassionate episode, Austin talks about how to navigate singleness right where you are—rather than feeling like your life is on hold. He’ll share 5 practical ways to approach singleness with honesty, courage, and faith. As you listen, you’ll get perspective and wisdom that will help you hold the multi-faceted experience of being single while simultaneously loving, following, and trusting Jesus.

Listen: Singleness

Read: Singleness

How to Respond When Your Pastor Fails

In this timely episode, Lynn and Shay discuss the many and varied responsibilities of ministry, the complicated dynamics that many pastors face as they gain success and notoriety, and how Christian leaders can benefit from personal therapy and soul work.

They’ll also talk about 5 ways to respond when your pastor fails, including acknowledging your feelings and seeking support, exercising discernment about who you follow, and remembering that God’s work through the church cannot be thwarted even through imperfect people.

Listen: Respond When Your Pastor Fails

Read: Respond When Your Pastor Fails

How to Grow Through Sadness

You may have a complicated relationship with sadness. Perhaps you grew up in a home where feeling sad was considered disrespectful or distressing. Maybe sadness was viewed as a weakness or only seen as a problem to solve.

In this perceptive episode, John will help you understand sadness better: why it feels so disorienting and uncomfortable; how Jesus is the ultimate example of engaging with grief from a place of strength; and the reason sadness isn’t the enemy of healing, but the path to it.

Listen: Grow Through Sadness

Read: Grow Through Sadness

How to Spend Eternity with God

In this pivotal episode, Shay contemplates one of the most important questions you will ever face: How do you spend eternity with God? And more importantly, can you know if you’ve gotten the answer wrong?

Using Jesus’ parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18, Shay unpacks why the path to God isn’t secured by achievement, but by humility. This is a story that flips our instincts upside down, because the one who goes home right with God isn’t the one who had his act together. It’s the one who showed up with nothing.

Listen: Spend Eternity with God

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How to Manage a Narcissist

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling confused, exhausted, and somehow convinced that everything was your fault—even though you couldn’t quite explain why? If so, this episode is for you.

As we end this series, Lynn addresses one of the most requested and personally meaningful topics she’s tackled: how to manage a narcissist in your life. She’ll give you 4 strategies to help you protect your peace, stay grounded in truth, and navigate one of the hardest relational dynamics without losing yourself in it.

Listen: How to Manage a Narcissist

Read: How to Manage a Narcissist

You replay what was said, trying to make sense of it, but somehow you end up feeling like you’re the problem. Your encounters with this person are tense and miserable, and you feel isolated, suffocated, and detached from reality.

If that feels familiar, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

In this final episode of our practical series, How to Handle Life, Lynn offers realistic advice for how to manage a narcissist with wisdom, not reactivity. She’ll give you 4 strategies to help you protect your peace, stay grounded in truth, and navigate one of the hardest relational dynamics without losing yourself in it.

If you’ve ever felt lost in a confusing, stressful relationship, it’s time to learn that the other person was never playing by the same rules.

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Highlights from this Episode

Let me start by painting a picture.

You leave a conversation with someone—a family member, colleague, maybe even your spouse—and you feel exhausted in a way you can’t explain. Your head is spinning. You feel confused. Your self-confidence feels drained, but you’re not sure why. Even though you’re hurt by the blame and criticism, you’re already making excuses for the other person.

If that sounds familiar, stay with me. Because today we’re talking about one of the most disorienting, emotionally distressing experiences a person can have: being in a relationship with a narcissist.

This is not about diagnosing everyone who frustrates you, and it is not ammunition to go home and declare war on someone. That would be neither safe nor wise. Rather, this is about understanding. About gaining wisdom that protects your dignity and sense of self when it’s being threatened by someone engaging in damaging behavior.

As a counselor, I’ve watched people lose their identity and live in complete confusion in these relationships. I’ve seen grown children weep under the manipulative control of a parent, and I’ve watched someone slowly shrink into fear and confusion under emotional and verbal abuse.

In every case, the healing balm has been truth applied with discernment. Truth and wisdom are what set you free. But truth is often ugly. You may avoid it because it’s painful. Yet Scripture doesn’t tell you to ignore truth. Scripture gives you wisdom to recognize motives and correctly identify behavior so you can live wisely and be strengthened to make godly choices in relationships.

Philippians 1:9 is your guide: “That your love may abound more and more in real knowledge and all discernment.”

What Is Narcissism — And Is This Me?

Before you look outward, it’s important to look inward. Your first question should be, “Am I the problem?” Approach God with humility, asking him to reveal anything in you that needs correction. The root of relational problems, namely sin, self-centeredness, and rebellion, lives in all of us.

Scripture is a mirror first, not a weapon. Only after self-reflection, then do you use Scripture as a second tool: discernment. While the Bible doesn’t use the word “narcissism,” it clearly describes the patterns of narcissistic behavior: pride, arrogance, deceit, lack of self-control, refusal to accept correction, divisiveness, and suppression of truth. For example, in the Psalms and Proverbs, the “scoffer” refuses counsel and escalates conflict.

Clinically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can only be diagnosed by a professional, who conducts a full evaluation and looks at on-going patterns of behavior. Most people around you are not full-blown narcissists, but they may have narcissistic tendencies that still cause real damage.

Here are some patterns to watch for:

• They cannot take responsibility. Apologies are incomplete, your feelings are minimized, and their behavior never changes.

• They lack empathy for those closest to them.

• They distort reality; their gaslighting leaves you feeling like you’re losing your mind.

• They are skilled at manipulation: deflection, silence, triangulation, rationalization.

• They require constant validation (in clinical terms, “fuel”) and may discard or discredit you if you stop supplying it.

At their core, everything filters through two questions: How does this make me feel? How does this make me look? When something threatens that, they deflect, deny, or rewrite reality.

How to Manage the Narcissist

This is not about winning or revenge. It’s about protecting your heart, your mind, and your faith.

Strategy One: Decoding

When a narcissist speaks, there are two layers: what they say, and what they mean. If you take everything at face value, you’ll stay confused.

“I was just joking—you’re so sensitive” → Absorb my hurtful comment and don’t hold me accountable.

“I did apologize—what else do you want?” → I performed an apology; now drop it so I don’t feel bad for hurting you.

“Everyone agrees with me” → I’ve recruited others to my side so you feel alone.

Decoding is learning to say the quiet part out loud to yourself. If your mind is spinning, you may be being spun.

You stop responding to the surface and start responding to the pattern:

• What do they want from me?

• How are they trying to feel better or look better?

• What reaction are they trying to produce?

Sometimes the best response is no response:
“Thanks for the info.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Noted.”

When you see behind the curtain, you become much harder to manipulate.

Strategy Two: The Gray Rock Method

Be a gray rock to the narcissistic person in your life: ordinary, neutral, unresponsive. They need your emotional reactions to stay connected and in control. If you react with defensiveness, tears, or anger, it feeds the dynamic between you.

Instead, you offer calm, brief, neutral responses:
“Okay.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I’ll think about that.”

This is not cruelty—it’s strategic emotional detachment. And it’s hard, especially if you value connection and being understood. Being detached from them requires you to find security in God. If your identity is anchored in God, you can afford to be the gray rock. You don’t need them to see you clearly for you to be okay.

Strategy Three: Watch for Flying Monkeys

This is also called triangulation. Instead of coming to you directly, the narcissist uses a third party, like a friend, family member, or coworker, to deliver a message designed to trigger guilt, doubt, or re-engagement.

“I talked to them—they’re really hurt.”
“I think you should reach out.”

The third party often means well and may not realize that they’re carrying a specially crafted message meant to further the narcissist’s agenda.

How do you respond?

• Recognize it – your instincts will tell you.

• Don’t engage with the message or the messenger.

• Respond calmly: “I appreciate your concern. I’ll handle this directly.”

• Then pause to pray, think, and seek wise counsel outside the triangle.

Strategy Four: Learn the Real Enemy

The most important perspective: the narcissist is not your ultimate enemy. They are a broken person operating from a deeply dysfunctional inner world. Your real enemy is spiritual.

Scripture tells us we don’t wrestle against flesh and blood. There is a spiritual battle, and this relationship can be used to erode your identity, your faith, and your peace.

So your response must be spiritual:

• Hold onto truth when lies come.

• Guard your mind—it is the battlefield.

• Stand in faith when the attacks feel constant.

• Anchor your identity in God’s verdict, not theirs.

I’ve seen people come out of these relationships not destroyed, but deepened. More aware of their own unhealthy tendencies, more anchored in God, more discerning, and more capable of healthy relationships.

Discernment over Judgment

As we close, I want to remind you: this is not about judgment. Everyone will be individually judged by God for their words and actions. It’s about wisdom, and having love for others that is informed, not naïve.

You can:

• Decode what’s really being said

• Practice emotional detachment

• Recognize triangulation

• And most importantly, identify the real enemy

Remember to start by asking God what part of the relationship dynamic is yours and take ownership of it. Get the support of a wise, trustworthy person like a spiritual mentor or skilled counselor. Ultimately, entrust this difficult person to God. Your goal is not just to survive the relationship, but to become someone who knows God more deeply, knows yourself more clearly, and walks in knowledge and discernment.

Recommended Resource

Managing the Roots & Weeds of Narcissism - with special guest Pastor Erwin Lutzer

Many people think they know, but how can you be sure?

In this pivotal episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Shay contemplates one of the most important questions you will ever face: How do you spend eternity with God? And more importantly, can you know if you’ve gotten the answer wrong?

Using Jesus’ parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18, Shay unpacks why the path to God isn’t secured by achievement, but by humility. This is a story that flips our instincts upside down, because the one who goes home right with God isn’t the one who had his act together. It’s the one who showed up with nothing.

The good news of the gospel has to start with the bad news: no one can earn their way into eternity with God. In fact, it is a spiritually dangerous place to stand before God with your arms full of your own goodness. Tim Keller’s pointed reminder is sobering: “All you need to get to heaven is nothing, but very few people have it.”

Whether how to spend eternity with God is something you’ve wrestled with or never even considered, this episode ends with a hopeful invitation: Come to Jesus with empty arms and he will give you everything you need to spend eternity with God. This is a great episode to share with a friend!

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Highlights from This Episode

Today we’re continuing in our how-to series by looking at how to spend eternity with God. That’s a really important question, isn’t it? How do you spend eternity with God? Can you know? Has God revealed that to humanity?

God has revealed the way of salvation in the Scriptures and in his son, Jesus Christ. Your relationship with him can begin even now before you die. But unless you’re really old or in poor health, you may have the mindset that you’re going to live forever.

But every day you’re confronted with reality, right?

Someone you know gets cancer and has a year to live. Someone’s in a car accident and passes away. Death is all around us, but somehow we don’t think that it’s going to ever happen to us. Deep inside, we all know that it will. We will all die; it’s normal to wonder what will happen when that time comes.

Can You Be Sure?

There’s a cemetery in Indiana that has an old tombstone. The epitaph reads:

“So once was I; as I am now, so will you be. Prepare for death and follow me.”

An unknown passerby read those words and underneath scratched this reply:

“To follow you, I am not content until I know which way you went.”

Another illustration is about a politician who said in an interview, “I want to try and to get to heaven if possible, but I’m hearing that I’m not doing well. I’m at the bottom of the list. I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to get me into heaven. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to make it.”

Have you ever felt like that? I don’t know if this politician was sincere or not, but the Bible says that admitting you don’t have what it takes to get to heaven is an essential part of what it takes to get to heaven. If we don’t get this truth right, we’ll miss it. In other words, the good news of the gospel begins with the bad news that the Bible says we all have to accept: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” (Romans 3:23).

From Pride to Grace

Jesus once told a story about two men who went to the temple to pray. It’s found in Luke 18:9-14. It’s one of my favorite passages, because I think it’s very clear in explaining how we can have a relationship with God. Beginning in verse nine, it says:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable.

He said, “Two men went up to the temple to pray. One a Pharisee, and the other, a tax collector. The Pharisee, a religious leader, stood by himself and he prayed, ‘God, I thank you that I’m not like other people, robbers and evildoers and adulterers, or even like this tax collector here. I fast twice a week and I give a tenth of all I get.’

But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but he beat his breast and he said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ Jesus said, ‘I tell you the truth that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled and those who humble themselves will be exalted.’”

Jesus shocks his listeners by saying it’s the tax collector, not the religious leader, who went home justified before God. It’s the exact opposite of what you might think. Jesus is saying that the first step to heaven is admitting that you’re a sinner and that you can’t save yourself. In other words, understanding the good news starts by admitting the bad news.

However, this is only bad news if you decide to trust in your own goodness, your own works, and your own moral righteousness compared to other people. If you do this, Jesus says you are far from heaven.

Nothing But Jesus

Pastor Tim Keller, who has now passed away, had a huge influence on my life and many others. I remember he used to say, “All you need to get to heaven is nothing, but very few people have it.”

In other words, if you show up on judgment day with your arms full of good works and say, “God, you owe me. It’s now time for you to pay up for all the good things that I’ve done in life,” you’ll be turned away.

But if you show up knowing you have nothing but Jesus, you’ll be accepted and welcomed. In fact, if your faith is in him, you are already accepted and welcomed today. The way home to God is through humility, admitting that you’re a sinner, and seeing your need for God’s mercy.

The Promise of Forgiveness

The most spiritually promising words you can say are, “I don’t think I’m okay. In fact, I know that I’m not.” God doesn’t wait for you to fix yourself or prove yourself or perform for him at a certain level of moral righteousness before you can come to him.

That’s not what the Bible teaches. If heaven were a reward for being important or for having status, that means that only the good people and those who grew up in the best of homes and went to the finest of schools will be there. But it’s not. It’s for sinners. It’s for people who have no hope. That’s all of us.

That’s why Christianity has been so attractive to the poor, to the marginalized, to the outcast, to those who know in this world they have no hope. It really is ‘the good news’. It’s good news for politicians, for the poor, for prisoners, and everyone in between.

Heaven isn’t a reward. It’s a gift. The life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus opens the way not for the worthy, but for the weary. Not for the polished, but for the poor in spirit. Not for the upwardly mobile, but for the brokenhearted who cry out and say, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

If you think back on your life and remember your worst day on this earth, you probably wish you could go back and choose to not sin and live that day differently or that time in your life differently. But whatever you’ve done, you can be forgiven in Jesus.

Putting Your Doubts to Rest

You’ve probably wondered, am I okay with God? Have I done enough? Is there hope for someone like me? The gospel answers, you haven’t. You never could. But Jesus has. And he lived the life you should live. He fulfilled the law perfectly in your place.

He died the death that should have been your punishment, and he rose from the dead and conquered death for you so that you may live for eternity with him. His invitation to us still stands. Come to me, all who are weary and burdened in your sins, and I will give you rest.

The question that I leave you with today is: Have you found your hope in Jesus? Are you repenting of your sin? Do you see him as your Savior, as the only one that can save you, and are you following him with your life? If you have any doubts at all, you can pray the sinner’s prayer:

• Acknowledge that you are a sinner in need of forgiveness.

• Repent of your sins before God and state your desire to turn away from sin.

• Believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins and rose from the dead.

• Surrender to Jesus and receive him as your Lord and Savior.

If you pray this prayer, please drop us a line at withyouintheweeds@thecrossingchurch.com. We’d love to know about your new relationship with Jesus. If you know someone who struggles with doubt or has never given their life to Jesus, please share this post with them, and let them know how much you care.

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Recommended Resources

Two books by Pastor Erwin Lutzer:

One Minute After You Die - What does the Bible teach about death and heaven? Be prepared for your own final moment.

How You Can Be Sure You Will Spend Eternity with God - Will good deeds get me into heaven? Is it wrong to doubt my salvation, and what do I do if I doubt?

You may have a complicated relationship with sadness. Perhaps you grew up in a home where feeling sad was considered disrespectful or distressing. Maybe sadness was viewed as a weakness or only seen as problem to solve.

In this perceptive episode of our ongoing How to Handle Life series, John will help you understand sadness better: why it feels so disorienting and uncomfortable; how Jesus is the ultimate example of engaging with grief from a place of strength; and the reason sadness isn’t the enemy of healing, but the path to it.

John draws a sharp distinction between depression and sadness. Depression is like a block of cement: heavy, stuck, and cut off from anything that would bring life. Sadness is something else entirely: a river that will carry you somewhere good if you’re willing to learn from it.

If you’ve ever wondered if any good could come from sadness—and why God allows grief in the ‘middle pages’ between Genesis and Revelation—you’ll want to listen in to John’s insight on this topic.

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Highlights from This Episode

As I sit here today to talk to you about sadness, I consider it a special opportunity. Over the years, I have used ‘sadness’ as a tool to help many of my clients. In fact, if I had only one thing I could teach my clients about how to handle life’s difficulties, traumas, and disappointments, it would be learning how to grow through sadness.

You’ve probably experienced a time in your life when pain rushed in like rapids, almost powerful enough to sweep you away. When you felt loss, pain, disconnection, or trauma, you most likely instinctively swam toward one of two riverbanks to try and find safety.

The first riverbank is one you may know well: blocking the pain. You fight your feelings, go numb, avoid, blame, deny, and shut down. This response is an act of self-protection, but staying on this bank leads to bitterness, isolation, and a slow kind of emotional flatness. You don’t move forward, you just stay stuck.

The second riverbank is different, and it’s harder to choose: it’s using the pain as a school—a place that teaches you how to learn, grow, and navigate what life brings you. It’s the riverbank that you may have never learned to turn to.

You Were Never Designed for Loss

Why is loss so disorienting in the first place? It’s because you weren’t built for it. Genesis 1 and 2 describe a world with nothing but goodness: unbroken connection with God; no shame, no separation. Then Genesis 3 arrives, and with it, loss enters the picture. And it never really leaves. Everything between the opening pages of Genesis and the final chapters of Revelation is loss—big losses and small ones, macro and micro.

Big losses are easy to identify: the death of someone you love, a health crisis, deep betrayal, chronic illness, the end of a career. But there are other losses that you may overlook, like being misunderstood at a meeting, left out of a group trip, unjustly maligned by a friend, or unable to connect with your spouse no matter how hard you try. These feel small, but they register as real loss.

There may even be loss from obedience—the genuine grief that comes from saying no to something you want because you’re choosing to follow God instead.

None of it is small. All of it belongs in the river.

Jesus, the Man of Sorrows

When you’re swept down the river of sadness, it’s a time to see Jesus as the ultimate model for entering grief rather than avoiding it. Isaiah 53 describes him as “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief”, not because he was frail or broken, but because he engaged with loss honestly and fully.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus experienced the weight of obedience in the most profound way imaginable. He faced unbelievable suffering because he had stepped from perfection into imperfection. Yet his sadness was not weakness. In fact, it was incredible strength channeled into the right response to a broken world.

This reframe matters. If Jesus—fully human, fully God, who did life the right way—was a man of sorrows, then sadness isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s something to be learned from.

The ‘Science’ of Sadness

Here’s something about sadness that might surprise you: sadness is actually compassion turned inward. When you choose sadness over avoidance, you’re actually doing something radical: you’re connecting with the part of yourself that’s hurting instead of abandoning it.

That connection is a form of love. When love meets pain, something shifts. The pain doesn’t disappear, but it’s no longer alone. The Latin root of the word comfort is com (with) + fortis (strength, fortress). Comfort isn’t just a warm feeling. It’s fortifying. Sadness leads to comfort, and comfort leads to strength. That’s not a platitude. That’s how grief is designed to work.

Think about a child who skins their knee and starts crying, then immediately wants to get up and play again the moment mom or dad shows up. The child wasn’t comforted because the pain went away. The child was strengthened because they were no longer alone.

Three Scenes from Real Life

Here are three scenes where choosing sadness over avoidance actually changes the outcome:

1. In marriage, when you can’t seem to get through to your spouse no matter how hard you try, the temptation is to fight, because a bad connection feels safer than no connection at all. But choosing sadness instead sounds like this: I’m sad that you can’t see my heart right now. I wish things were different. It doesn’t fix the disconnection in the moment, but it keeps you from building a wall.

2. With anger, sadness works as a kind of diffuser. Instead of becoming angry about being angry, or shutting down entirely, you can choose compassion for the part of you that feels powerless over it. I really wish anger weren’t such a struggle for me. I’m sad about that. That simple act begins to shrink what felt unmanageable.

3. In spiritual dryness, instead of generating more willpower or white-knuckling your way toward growth, you can step into the sadness of not being where you want to be. Lord, I’m not in control of my growth. You are. And I’m sad that I’m not where I want to be. That honesty opens the door for grace in a way that striving never does.

Where the River Takes You

The river of sadness doesn’t just move—it takes you somewhere. Psalm 30:5 puts it simply: “Weeping may stay the night, but joy comes in the morning.” That joy isn’t the same as happiness. Happiness is tied to circumstance and it comes and goes.

Joy is the quiet strength that comes from knowing you are not alone, and that you are going to be okay. It’s what Paul found in 2 Corinthians when God sent Titus to him in the middle of his suffering. It’s what the crying child on the playground finds when mom or dad kneels down. It’s what you find when you choose to swim toward the riverbank of growth.

A Closing Thought

There will come a day when every tear is wiped away and there is no more sadness. But you don’t live there yet. You live in the middle chapters, between the garden and Jesus’ return, where loss is real and grief is the way through it. Not around it. Not over it. Through it.

No matter what you are facing right now, there is a way through the sadness, and it leads to something incredible. That’s the way life is done according to God’s design as demonstrated by Jesus, the man of sorrows.

How can you grow from sadness? Start small. Think of one loss from this week—even something minor—and instead of resenting it or shutting down, try naming it. I really wanted that, and I’m sad I didn’t get it. See where the river takes you. It might take you further than you think.

In this thoughtful installment of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Lynn and Shay discuss the many and varied responsibilities of ministry, the complicated dynamics that many pastors face as they gain success and notoriety, and how Christian leaders can benefit from personal therapy and soul work.

They’ll also talk about 5 ways to respond when your pastor fails, including acknowledging your feelings and seeking support, exercising discernment about who you follow, and remembering that God’s work through the church cannot be thwarted even through imperfect people.

Lynn brings the unique perspective of being both a pastor’s daughter and a pastor’s wife, along with insights from her counseling research on the splitting that can happen when leaders present a façade of spirituality while concealing unhealed pain and ongoing sin. Shay, having served in Christian ministry for more than 30 years, speaks from the pastor’s side of the table, sharing openly about the real challenges of life and leadership in ministry.

If you’ve ever wrestled with the fact that spiritual leaders are capable of great good but also serious failure, you’ll want to listen in as Lynn and Shay acknowledge the pain of pastoral failure while helping you re-center your faith on Christ.

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Highlights of Lynn & Shay’s Conversation

Lynn: There are few things more disorienting for a church community than watching a trusted pastor fall. It can shake your confidence, stir up powerful feelings of grief and anger, and even make you doubt your faith. Even if you have never been faced with your own pastor’s failures, there are many public failures of Christian leaders, pastors, and organizations that can shake your faith foundation.

Today, we want to thoughtfully explore why these failures happen, what they reveal about the human heart, and how Christians can respond in a way that shows both truth and grace. Shay, as the resident pastor for WYITW, can you share a bit about your view of pastoral ministry and the responsibilities that come with it?

Shay: Let me start with the premise that godly leadership really is important to the health of a church and the body of Christ. I’ve talked with people who were in churches where the pastor committed a grievous sin and it caused them to walk away from the faith for a long time. When we hear stories of hypocrisy and moral failure, we are rightfully hurt and at times wonder, is the Christian faith even true?

Lynn: Shay, I’ve told you this for years, but after growing up in the church, I think that when someone wants to be in full-time ministry, they should be required to go through their own therapy process because there are underlying issues that have never been addressed that play out when a person is in a position of power and influence over others.

Shay: I think you’re right, Lynn. Most pastors are serving their churches faithfully, day in day out, sometimes under difficult circumstances. Most of them want to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant” on the day of judgment. But even after someone is saved, they are not sanctified. That’s a lifelong process. If you have narcissistic tendencies or control issues, and you lead a church, those sinful tendencies will carry over into your ministry.

Lynn: Shay, is it fair to say that when you went into ministry straight out of college, there were things in your life and your childhood that you hadn’t addressed at the age of 22, and it’s been a process of you recognizing and working through those things?

Shay: Yes, that’s totally fair. I’ve grown in wisdom, theology, and matured over time as I’ve developed a philosophy of ministry. But that has taken years of character development through some painful lessons. And even doing this podcast with a team of counselors has helped me understand what it means that I have the traits of an adult child of an alcoholic because of how I grew up. It’s taken me time to acknowledge that and deal with them.

The Inner Life of a Pastor

Lynn: There is a collective, guttural groan felt among God’s people when a pastor or other Christian leader’s shameful behavior is exposed. We wonder how someone who knows so much, studied the Bible for so long, and served God with such passion could engage in blatant self-destructive behavior to the point of disqualifying themselves for ministry. Failure in ministry forces us to look at issues of pride, idolatry and ultimately the capacity of the human heart for duplicity and self-deception.

Shay: Pastors are ordinary human beings. We often struggle with the very same sins that people in our church struggle with. Sometimes you may feel self-righteous when you think about a pastor’s downfall, almost believing that you aren’t susceptible to the same sins. That’s where humility plays an important role.

Even though pastors are ordinary people, we get tasked to do divine, extraordinary things. We preach and teach God’s word. We disciple people and equip them for acts of service. We’re there for special moments in people’s lives, like the birth of a child and the death of a loved one. But ultimately your pastor isn’t your savior, they’re a flawed human being.

Lynn: The more skilled a pastor is, the more aware they need to be of their vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They’re going to gain followers and receive praise. And, if they’re elevated to a position of leadership before their character has been tested, they are going to be tempted by success.

Shay: The praise of others can be a dangerous thing, because it can fan the flames of pride and open the door of the heart’s capacity for self-deception. A pastor can begin to think, “The growth, the success, is all happening because of ME.” Then the ego can take over.

Lynn: Every pastor arrives in ministry already shaped by their family of origin, their wounds, their unmet longings, and their insecurities. When pastors don’t feel like they can be honest about their struggles, they develop a “manager” part—a well-trained public persona that says the right things, preaches compellingly, and appears spiritually mature—while unaddressed pain or sin keeps quietly accumulating underneath.

The lonelier and more isolated a pastor becomes, the more that hidden world is at risk of blowing everything apart. I’ve long believed that requiring some form of personal therapy or soul work as part of ministry isn’t a luxury; it’s a form of protection, for the pastor and for the people they serve. It’s just as important as learning Greek and Hebrew in seminary.

Shay: That’s why the Apostle Paul tells Timothy to do two things: “Watch your life and your doctrine closely.” Pastors must guard church doctrine from outside threats but also guard the church from their own sin. There’s also a spectrum of severity when it comes to a pastor’s failures. A pastor who struggles with the sins of pride or anger but is making effort to address those issues is different from a pastor who has an affair, enables abuse, or commits crimes.

Lynn: That’s helpful background on what it’s like to be a pastor and the complicated reasons why pastors fall into serious sin. But what we’d like to do now is focus on you, the person in the congregation who has attended faithfully, prayed for your pastor, trusted in church leadership, tried to maintain realistic expectations, and yet been deeply hurt, or even betrayed by the sinful actions of a church leader or pastor.

What are you to do, think, and feel when this happens?

5 Responses to Your Pastor’s Failures

1. Acknowledge your feelings of loss and betrayal and allow yourself to grieve. You were not wrong to expect your pastor to be upright, honest, and godly. Seek support from a seasoned spiritual mentor, Christian counselor, or trusted friends as you process your grief and heal. Stepping away from your church and seeking spiritual nourishment from other sources for a time might be helpful.

You may need to engage legal counsel or pursue an outside authority to examine what has happened in your specific situation if there’s been criminal action. Seeking justice and accountability is appropriate.

2. Remind yourself that your faith is in God, his Word, and his promises, not in people. God has chosen to do his work here on earth through sinful humans. That means that no church leader or pastor is perfect. But it doesn’t mean that the gospel isn’t still true. Separate God’s holiness from people’s flaws and place your ultimate hope in Christ.

3. Be discerning about who you follow. We live in a celebrity culture where it’s easy to get drawn into bright, shiny, well-spoken leaders, authors, and teachers and ignore red flags. Be careful who you trust. Don’t be quick to jump on someone’s bandwagon. Even when you exercise discernment, you can still get it wrong—but you will always be able to depend on Jesus.

4. Beware of religious leaders who don’t have any accountability. There are many popular leaders that do not operate within an accountability structure. They consolidate power and insulate themselves from anyone who can speak truth. Or they put their friends on the leadership committees so they don’t have anyone who can tell them “no”. This is a dangerous situation that is ripe for abuse of power.

5. Remember the role of the church in Christian life. God has ordained the church to be the bride of Christ, to be the place where we learn and grow and fellowship with others. It’s humbling to remember that God sometimes builds his church in spite of, not because of, church leaders.

When you join a church, you can know from the start that it is not perfect. No church is! But you can still look for a church where the leadership demonstrates a desire to follow Jesus and is genuinely seeking godliness, holiness, and humility.

When Pastors Fail, Christ Remains

Shay: The leaders who have impacted me most are those who can humble themselves, admit when they’re wrong, and ask for forgiveness. Pastors who display a teachable spirit and a desire to please God and point others to Christ. I have always prayed to be this kind of pastor, and that God raises up pastors like this to continue his church.

Lynn: When a pastor fails, it can feel like a spiritual earthquake and be very disruptive to your faith. But the failure of a shepherd does not mean the Shepherd has failed you. Jesus is not exposed by anyone’s hypocrisy. He is not diminished by anyone’s sin.

If anything, disillusionment with pastors and other Christian leaders is a reminder to fix your eyes on Jesus. You don’t have to minimize what happened, and as you process the cost of forgiveness in your life, you can be reminded that forgiveness doesn’t equate to or require reconciliation or restored trust. Our hope is that you can slowly, carefully rebuild your faith—not in a personality, but in Christ, who is faithful and true.

We distill every episode into clear, encouraging takeaways on Instagram—click to follow along! IG: withyouintheweeds

In this compassionate episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Austin takes a different approach. Instead of asking how to get out of singleness, he’ll talk about how to navigate it well right where you are. He’ll be sharing 5 practical ways to approach singleness with honesty, courage, and faith.

Before you assume this conversation only applies if you’re currently single, don’t tune out just yet. Many people move in and out of seasons of singleness over the course of their lives. As you listen, you’ll get perspective and wisdom that will help you hold the multi-faceted experience of being single while simultaneously loving, following, and trusting Jesus.

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Highlights from this Episode

As I talk about this topic today, “singleness” means someone who is not in a romantic relationship of any kind. So if you’re dating, engaged, or married, you don’t qualify. But even if you are in a relationship, I’ll tell you why you should still listen to this episode in a second.

In this episode I’m going to give you some tactics for how to handle singleness. Notice I said handle singleness, not solve or fix it. Despite what secular culture might be telling you; despite what the church might be telling you; and even despite what you might be telling yourself, being single isn’t something to “solve”.

For those of you who aren’t single, here are two reasons to listen to this episode:

1. You might be single again at some point in your life. If you’re dating, you might break up. If you’re engaged, as devastating as that might be, you might call it off. And hardest of all: if you’re married, one day you might be divorced or widowed. We all hope those kinds of things won’t happen, but we live in a fallen world where this is a reality.

2. The second reason to listen is that you’ve probably got single people in your life that you care about. By listening to this episode you’ll be able to get some wisdom and perspective that will help you understand their experience and you’ll be able to love and serve them in meaningful ways.

For those of you who are single, let me address something you might be asking yourself: why am I, Austin, worth listening to on this subject? I’m married, so what do I know about being single? It’s like a game of musical chairs, where the person who has found a seat is trying to give encouragement to the person still looking for a seat. If I heard that I’d be like, “Shut up. You’ve got a seat! You no longer have the problem I’ve got!”

That’s fair pushback, but I ask you to trust my perspective on this issue because there were many years of my life where I was single. Even though it’s been a long time, I can remember what those times were like. I’ve also worked with clients who have shared their thoughts and fears with me openly and honestly.

In addition, I have several good friends who are single and have been kind enough to let me in on their experience; they’ve shared their struggles, the things they’re fighting to believe, and the well-meaning but unhelpful advice they’ve gotten from others. I’ve used my own experiences as well as the experiences of others to develop the tactics I’m going to share with you.

5 Tactics to Handle Being Single

1. Notice your internal dialogue. You were made for relational connection. While you may have a connection to a parent, child, or friend, the deepest form of intimate connection is the marital relationship. If you long to experience this connection with another person and haven’t found it yet, of course you’re going to be annoyed and frustrated and view singleness as a trial.

Don’t try to shut your internal voice down but instead notice it and listen to what it’s saying. There is also another voice in there that may be quieter than your internal voice. This voice reminds you that singleness is a gift. It reminds you that Jesus himself was single yet lived a fulfilled, meaningful, joy-filled and satisfying life.

Rather than trying to solve these voices or have one voice ‘defeat’ the other, allow both of them to exist. This will help you be less reactive and more responsive. It will ease the frustration and stress that can come with this internal civil war.

2. Discern and validate your dreams and fears. Take the time to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Often your dreams and fears come from the part of you that views singleness as a trial. Your dream is to find your person and be in a romantic relationship. Your fear is that you’ll be single and alone the rest of your life, which means you have no value, you’re unlovable, and there is something inherently wrong with you.

Instead, you can validate your dreams and fears with compassion: “I can see why I’m worried that if this doesn’t work out I’ll never find anyone again,” “It makes sense that I want to be in a relationship because then I’ll possibly be able to get married and have kids, which has been my dream as long as I can remember,” “Of course I’m hoping that she’ll say yes because then I won’t be the only one in my friend group who is single.”

3. Accept and let go. This isn’t a one-time tactic, but one that you might need to practice over and over. Accept the fears. Let the worst-case scenario land: you might not ever be in a relationship. You might be the perpetual third wheel. You might have to endure the whispers of family members or friends asking, “What’s wrong with them? Why aren’t they in a relationship?”

You’ll have to get familiar with the ache of being lonely. You don’t have to like it, but you have to get familiar with it. But how? Admit to yourself what the fear is. Stop minimizing it or dismissing it. Acknowledge it. You likely will have to grieve. You have to remember who is with you despite your lack of a significant other—Jesus. He knows this ache because he was never in a married, and he wasn’t a robot!

This is why Paul could write this in 1 Corinthians 7:6-8: “I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” Don’t pass over that too quickly: Paul viewed his singleness as a gift, and he remembered who he could rely on while single.

If you can accept your fears and let go of your dreams, you’ll avoid the trap of dating someone who isn’t a Christian. The Bible explicitly commands Christians to date Christians. It’s tempting to think, “Maybe I can change them. Maybe they’ll come around and begin following Jesus because of me.” God can do anything, but usually, the opposite happens. The Christian in the relationship changes and compromises.

4. Cultivate friendships. Being single doesn’t mean being alone. Singleness and isolation are not synonymous. While you might not have a romantic relationship, you still have the opportunity to cultivate and develop friendships with your peers. You can seek out married friends that are your age and enjoy life together. Go to movies and concerts together. Offer to come over regularly and hang out with a couple or a family.

You can be the friend who benefits from the pleasantness of other friends, and you can be the one who blesses others with your own pleasantness. Your presence among your friends is what makes all the difference. You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to add value. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one friend sharpens another.” You will be sharpened by other friends, but you get to do the sharpening as well!

5. Live without fear. That doesn’t mean you will never experience the emotion of fear. Rather, to live without fear means that you don’t let it guide your life, paralyze you, or send you into a panic. To live without fear means you ride the waves of other emotions that will undoubtedly come.

Some days you might be completely content in your singleness and will be able to relax knowing that even if you never find a romantic relationship, Jesus is enough. Some days you might be angry and frustrated and bitter towards God, wondering why you’re here and why he can’t just give you someone.

To live without fear means listening to and acknowledging the different voices in your head: the one that views singleness as a gift and the one that views singleness as a trial. To live without fear means settling into the idea that God may never give you a clear answer to the question, “Will I always be single?”

To live without fear means having the self-control and fortitude and patience to not give in to sexual temptation that the secular culture says is inevitable. To live without fear means that if you succumb to temptation, you remember that Jesus welcomes you back with open arms because he has died and risen for your sins.

To live without fear means continuing to have the courage to continue to be vulnerable to your friends and mentors, trusting that they are interested in carrying your burdens with you. If you’re in a relationship or married, this is a gift you can give to single people. Remind them that they can come to you anytime, and you will not grow tired or exasperated with them. Promise you won’t try to “fix them”, give them advice when it’s not wanted, or play matchmaker.

Finally, to live without fear is to trust Jesus enough to continue to ask boldly for what you want, yet end each prayer the way he did in Luke 22: “Father, not my will, but your will be done.”

Finding Purpose While Single

Singleness may not be the story you expected for your life right now, but it doesn’t mean your life is on hold. Your worth, your purpose, and your ability to love and be loved are not dependent on your relationship status. Whether this season lasts a short time or a lifetime, Jesus is present with you in it. You can keep hoping and praying honestly for what you want, and at the same time trust that your life has meaning, dignity, and value, no matter what your relationship status is.

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Estrangement is one of the most painful and misunderstood experiences in family life, yet it’s far more common than most people realize. Whether you’ve made the hard decision to step away from a relationship or you’ve been cut off by someone you love, your pain and grief are real.

In this thoughtful episode of our How to Handle Life series, Lynn walks through what estrangement actually is, why it happens, and how it impacts a family on multiple levels. Accepting reality is difficult but is often the first step toward real relief, like cleaning out a wound so it can actually heal.

She’ll share 5 hard but essential truths for anyone navigating estrangement, including why reconciliation isn’t guaranteed, how to navigate the feelings of grief and loss, and insight about the ripple effects of estrangement.

Most importantly, this episode presents genuine hope: healing and growth are possible for you even if the relationship is never restored. If you’re carrying the weight of an estranged relationship, this episode could be your turning point.

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Highlights from this Episode

You may have noticed that the topic of estranged relationships has become a big part of cultural conversations and social media headlines in recent years. Maybe you saw that Oprah recently interviewed psychologists and family members on her podcast about the rising trend of going ‘no contact’.

As a therapist, I have worked with clients who have made the difficult decision to go ‘no contact’ and those on the receiving end of a cutoff as well. Because I can feel the hurt and pain on both sides of this equation, this episode is coming to you from my heart. My heart hurts every time I think of this topic because estrangement always involves unresolved, unhealed hurt that ends a relationship.

A person experiencing an estranged relationship feels emotionally haunted, troubled, and often preoccupied with persistent memories, regrets, and unanswered questions. There is a deep grief over the loss of a loved one who is still alive, but the relationship is dead. Often, the loss of this relationship is something you probably never anticipated in your wildest dreams.

When it comes to estrangement, it is tempting to take sides or establish parameters for when estrangement is warranted or when it seems unjustified. However, no two situations are the same. The history and context of the depth of injury, the level of accountability, power dynamics, failed repair attempts, and the willingness (or unwillingness) of both parties to move towards reconciliation all factor into a person’s decision to separate themselves from another person.

I’ve had to accept that there are three sides to every story: each party’s side and the objective truth. Here is what I do know: when a person makes the decision to go ‘no contact’ with a family member, it is not typically a decision that is made lightly, nor is it a decision made hastily without considering the repercussions. For example, if an adult child chooses this path with their parent, it is likely after repeated, failed attempts at working towards some kind of resolution or healing with a parent.

Ending a relationship with a parent is a very difficult, unfortunate, and painful last resort for your own safety, sanity, or well-being, and my heart goes out to you. If you are a parent cut off with no chance of reconciliation, you probably feel hopeless and helpless and my heart goes out to you as well.

Because of the complexity of this issue, I am not going to act as a judge or jury on whether or not someone has legitimate grounds to end a relationship. Instead, I’m going to define estrangement, explain its key features, and share 5 truths that you’ll need to accept in order to process the pain of estrangement.

The Pain of Intentional Distance

Let’s look at a definition of what estrangement is:

Estrangement in a relationship is a deliberate, sustained, and significant reduction or complete cutoff of meaningful contact and emotional connection between two people who were once close. Most often, this is with a family member, like a parent and an adult child or a couple of siblings, but it can also occur between spouses, close friends, or extended relatives.

Here are some key defining features of an estranged relationship:

1. It’s intentional distance: one or both parties actively choose to limit or end communication rather than simply growing apart because of life circumstances.

2. There’s little to no communication: no sharing of life updates, feelings, emotions, or vulnerability. Contact, if any, is superficial, driven by conflict, and handled by a third party like a friend, family member, or even attorney.

3. It’s persistent: it lasts months or years or ends up being permanent.

4. There’s an underlying rupture to the relationship: accumulated hurts, unmet needs, value clashes, betrayal, significant abuse, trauma, or major boundary violations accumulate until they are unbearable for one party.

I’m currently reading through the Bible using the Bible Recap app, so I’ve had a front row seat to watching families implode. The first family we encounter in Genesis experiences one brother murdering his other brother—the story of Cain killing Abel out of jealousy, rage, and spite. Then you read the story of Jacob and Esau, whose relationship fractures over favoritism and deception, resulting in years of separation and estrangement.

These stories are not models of how we should be doing relationship, but they reflect that this is how messy and painful life can be. Remember that families have been messy from the beginning of time. If you find yourself experiencing the pain of estrangement, you are part of the reality of the human condition.

5 Essential Truths to Accepting Estrangement

1. Estrangement is actually more common than most people realize, and it’s rarely sudden or impulsive. It’s not rare or extreme or a recent trend as headlines might have you believe. Studies show that 1-in-5 families experience some form of it; as many as 27% of U.S. adults report estrangement from a family member, with parent-child cases being the most frequent.

In many cases, adult children initiate ‘no contact’ after years of accumulated hurts, family drama, unresolved patterns of conflict, or incompatible belief systems. Accepting that estrangement is common may normalize your experience and help you be realistic about the fact that from the beginning of time there have been family fractures that have ended familial relationships.

2. You can’t control the other person’s perspective, timeline, or decision to reconnect or not reconnect. If someone has initiated a cutoff with you, they likely see it as necessary for their mental health and well-being, even if you view it differently. Accepting this truth means releasing the need to convince them otherwise.

Instead, you can focus on your own healing and deeply consider the reasons they have given you for ending the relationship. This is hard because you each have a different perception of what has occurred in the relationship. But it is an opportunity for you to grow even if the relationship is never repaired.

3. The pain is real and valid on both sides, but reconciliation isn’t guaranteed, and it may never happen. Estrangement causes ambiguous loss, which is grieving someone who is still alive, and the feelings that accompany ambiguous loss are typically shame, isolation, and ongoing waves of sadness or anger. For the cut-off person, it can bring feelings of guilt or loneliness. For the initiator of the cut-off, it might bring a sense of relief, but it also feels heavy.

If you were the person who was cut-off, and the opportunity for reconciliation is extended, one thing that I want you to consider is to write a letter of amends. This is where your self-reflection and inner work can be of great benefit. It would be best if you do this with support and guidance of a wise friend or a counselor.

In a letter of amends, the first thing you would do is take responsibility for yourself. This means acknowledging specific behaviors, not just general mistakes. So instead of saying, “I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect,” you might say, “I know my words hurt you when I said ____.”

After that, validate the other person’s perspective. This involves stepping into the other person’s reality and seeing things from their point of view, even if you don’t fully agree with their interpretation. As much as you want to, and perhaps have reason to, don’t justify your actions or blame the other person.

Next, show empathy by expressing understanding for the pain that your actions have caused. Statements like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I did the best I could,” avoid accountability. Instead, “I understand why you are upset,” and “I apologize for my actions,” foster genuine connection.

Finally, focus on a future change. Even if there is reconciliation, things are not going to return to the way they were before. Be prepared for your letter to be received with silence or even anger. It’s not a guarantee towards reconciliation. But it can be an important step to make amends and take ownership of your actions.

4. Estrangement ripples outward and affects the whole family system. It’s not just “between two people”. Grandkids may never meet their grandparents; siblings and in-laws are pulled into taking sides. Holidays feel fractured and extended family dynamics shift. You will likely lose more than just one relationship when estrangement occurs, which makes it complicated and complex.

Accepting this reality allows you to protect your own peace and avoid triangulation, because chances are you’ll be approached by other well-meaning family members who just want peace to be restored and encourage a quick fix to a gaping wound. Again, this is where having a wise friend, spiritual mentor, or counselor who understands the complexity of your situation can help you navigate these conversations.

5. Healing and growth are possible for you, even without reconciliation. Forgiveness, which is a choice to release another person from the debt they owe you, can facilitate your emotional freedom without excusing harm or forcing contact. You can grieve, humbly self-reflect by owning any role you may have played in the breakdown of the relationship, and lean into healthy relationships where you feel safe and cared for.

If you initiated a cutoff, keep a soft heart and maintain a posture of humility and a spirit of prayer for continual wisdom for your particular situation. Our previous episodes on how to handle difficult people and how to forgive someone who has hurt you would be a great resource for you as you consider how to approach your situation with biblical wisdom.

Entrusting the Outcome to God

In the end, you can entrust justice to God. He will settle all disputes when Jesus returns. Many people who are on this journey dealing with an estranged relationship find deeper empathy, resilience, and purpose through the pain, and their haunted regret can become scarred-over wisdom. The relationship may never return to what it was, but you can still live fully.

Seek support from safe places and safe people. In particular, if you are going to have any planned contact with someone that you have been estranged from, being able to talk through it with a friend or a therapist before and after will help you process the emotions that will come from that interaction.

Remember that although you’ve lost a relationship, this doesn’t mean that you can’t grow and heal through other people. We are wounded in relationships, but we also heal in relationships. I want you to see this lost relationship as an opportunity for growth, maturing, and forming your identity around the one relationship that is constant and unchanging: your relationship with Jesus.

These truths aren’t easy, but accepting them often brings relief and opens the door to peace, whether reconnection happens or not. I’m going to end with this simple verse in 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety upon the Lord, for he cares for you.” I hope you can give the heaviness of your estranged relationship to God because he sees your tears, he knows your hurt, he understands your loss, and he cares about you.

But what if the very thing you’re trying to hide is actually an invitation?

In this meaningful episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, John talks about what it means to feel anger toward God and why bringing that anger into the light might be one of the most transformative steps in your spiritual life.

You’ll discover why it’s okay to be angry, the way that anger protests and protects, what anger can teach you about your soul, and how to use lament to communicate your anger to God in a healthy way.

If you’ve ever wrestled with God in the dark, this conversation is for you.

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Highlights from this Episode

You might be surprised that anger with God is not only okay, but it’s key to your growth and intimacy with God. There are times in the Bible where God’s people were brazenly open with God about their anger, and God welcomed it. But we should address two objections you might have at the outset about being angry with God.

1) You think anger is wrong and unfair to God. It feels like being dishonest about God’s characteristics: he always does the right thing, he’s always good, he knows what’s best for you—so if you are angry with him, you are wrong. One of the astonishing things we can learn from the Psalms is this: God invites you to be “real” about your experiences and even misperceptions of him.

God only deals in reality and what he sees, he hears. He invites you to see into your heart—even your foulest thoughts—and bring those to him. The only unforgivable sin is not anger; it’s denying Jesus. Just like kids get angry with their parents, you are going to experience anger with God and he can handle it.

2) You’re afraid that if you are angry with God it will separate you from him. It will ruin your relationship with him, and he will be mad at you. Many of you grew up in a home where anger was not allowed. As an adult, you feel that anger in any form is bad and more importantly, that you are bad for feeling angry. You carry this over into your relationship with God and hide your anger from him.

You need a reframe of how to think about anger and how to handle anger with God. I want to help you see anger as a key part of your growth and that when engaged honestly, it can draw you closer to God.

Getting Curious About Your Anger

In Ephesians 4, it says, “Be angry, but in your anger do not sin.” You are commanded by the Apostle Paul to be angry! It is not your duty to suppress it or sugar-coat it. In Paul’s day, there were two very large schools of thought about anger and neither of them fit into Paul’s prescription for handling anger:

• The Stoics thought that anger was terrible and should be suppressed. Today that might show up as, “I’m not angry, I’m just frustrated, worried, or anxious.”

• The Epicureans said to get away from it and rise above it. A modern version is to use avoidance, denial, and distraction.

You probably do both of these at times, and neither one lines up with God’s design, nor do they allow you to use anger for good. Here is a simple starting point for understanding anger as God has designed it: Anger is put into you by God; it is part of being created in his image and therefore is a precious thing.

In the Bible you see God being angry; it is one of his attributes. In Psalm 7 it says, “God is angry with the wicked every day.” Love and anger are never mutually exclusive in God’s character. He is angry about the destruction that evil brings to his world and the ways it mars the beauty of his creation.

Jesus is angry frequently in the New Testament, and he didn’t sin, so obviously there is a place for anger that is very much like Jesus. When you deeply understand anger, it provides a structure for becoming aware of the inner workings of your heart. This is what God wants to draw out in you in order to bring progressive, incremental healing.

Differences Between Our Anger and God’s Anger

God’s anger always goes in a good direction. It is honed in on destroying the things that ruin his creation. Your anger, on the other hand, can be very easily channeled into self-serving purposes. Anger is motivating and powerful and it must be channeled properly to be effective.

It helps to understand that anger comes about for two reasons:

• A protest: something that should not be; a blocked goal or desire

• A protection: something is threatening goodness, or something you love

Analyze your anger using these two lenses to discover what is going on behind the scenes—what’s motivating your anger? At this point you’re not looking at anger as right or wrong, you’re just trying to get curious and understand it. The process of looking at your anger is called reflection and discernment.

You can ask yourself these two questions:

• Is there something that I’m protesting or defending?

• Is there something that I’m protecting?

Your anger tells you something about what you most deeply care about. Sometimes you care most deeply about the things that you want to control. Sometimes you care most deeply about the things God cares about, but you don’t know it until you explore the root of your anger.

Permission to Lament

Since God is in control of all things, ultimately your anger is against how he has decided to run the world. Perhaps you deeply disagree with what God allows. That’s what Adam and Eve protested. They wanted God to run the world like they wanted, and ever since then humanity has been angry with God.

What does a parent do when their child is angry about a boundary or guideline? A wise, loving parent invites the child to share it. At church, you often hear things like “It doesn’t make sense to get upset,” “God is always good, so let’s trust him”. The assumption is that if you trust God enough you can erase your struggles; that your faith, if you only had enough, would erase your fear and doubt. The problem is that these sayings don’t fit inside Christianity.

Instead, throughout the Scriptures we see lament—an outward expression of anger, confusion, anguish, despair and hopelessness directed towards God. The book of Psalms is filled with lament. Two-thirds of the Psalms are filled with what most of us would dare not speak before God. Yet God invites you to pray this way. Let’s look at an example.

Psalm 77

When I remember God, then I am disturbed;

When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint.

You have held my eyelids open;

I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

I have considered the days of old,

The years of long ago.

Will the Lord reject forever?

And will He never be favorable again?

Has His lovingkindness ceased forever?

Has His promise come to an end forever?

Has God forgotten to be gracious,

Or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion?

Then I said, “It is my grief,

That the right hand of the Most High has changed.”

To cry out to God with your doubts like the Psalmist does—to lament—is the context for surrender. But surrender is impossible without a prior, declared war. Christians may assume our conflict with God was finished when we were converted. Until that point, we were enemies of God. But the battle is not over with conversion—though it is the decisive victory that assures the outcome of the war, it is hardly the last and final fight.

There is a difference between lamenting and grumbling. A lament involves the energy to search, seek, and ask, and not shut down the quest for truth. A lament uses the language of pain, anger, and confusion to move toward God. A grumbler is moving away from God and building barriers to deeper faith by not engaging God honestly from the heart.

The language of lament is, oddly, the shadow side of faith. To whom do you vocalize the most intense, irrational, inarticulate anger? Would you do so with someone who could fire you or cast you out of a cherished position or relationship? No. You share your deepest anger with people you trust. Trusting God involves going into places of your heart where you are angry and feel like you are at odds with God.

Becoming a Missionary to Your Own Soul

Are you angry at God? If not right now, you will be at some point, because you have inherited a drive to do what is best for yourself and to tell God what that must be. When God contradicts your reasoning, or does something beyond your ability to comprehend, you will be angry. Deep in the recesses of your soul you are protesting something or trying to protect something.

Sharing your anger with God is like being a missionary to your soul—you are learning the native language of your heart, the deep customs of your heart’s culture, and the regions of your soul that have yet to be convinced that God is good and can be trusted no matter what.

The opposite of love isn’t anger: the opposite of love is apathy. If you are angry with God and open up to him in your anger, it’s because you care and because your relationship with him matters to you. And you’ll find that he will meet you in the depths of your dark heart—an honest place where you can be deeply loved and known by him.

As we continue our practical How to Handle Life series, Shay tackles one of the most common questions Christians ask: How do I know God’s will for my life? Modern life bombards us with endless choices (career, marriage, major life moves), often leaving us fearful we will miss God’s “perfect” path. But over-analyzing every detail and possible option can keep us paralyzed with anxiety or regret.

Drawing from insights in the book Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung, Shay will walk you through three biblical categories of God’s will and then get practical about two of the biggest decisions you might face: what career path to follow and who to marry.

As you listen or read, you’ll feel less pressure to decode a hidden blueprint and more confidence to faithfully follow Jesus right where you are.

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Highlights from this Episode

Today we’re going to be talking about the age-old question, “How can I know God’s will for my life?” This subject can be complicated when we look at the different parts of it, but it can also be simple if we keep the big picture in view. I’m not going to be able to cover every part of this topic today but hopefully give you a good overview and some guidelines you can use going forward.

When I was on staff with Campus Crusade, there was an evangelistic tool that we used called the Four Spiritual Laws. We would share that with people, and the very first spiritual law was, “God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.” It’s easy to wonder, if God has such a wonderful plan for my life, then why doesn’t he just tell me exactly what it is?

For example, if you’re a college student, what should your major be, or what kind of career do you want? Regarding relationships, should you get married, and if so to whom, and how many kids should you have? What job offer should you take? Should you stay in your current job, take a different job, or retire?

I’d like us to consider that maybe we have difficulty discovering God’s wonderful plan for our lives because he doesn’t intend to tell us exactly how to make all of our decisions. In other words, he’s not going to write in the sky for us or speak audibly to us. Maybe we’re even wrong to expect him to.

I’m going to give you three ways that you can think about God’s will and then talk about a couple of big decisions that most of us face in life. I’ve gleaned a lot of these thoughts from a pastor named Kevin DeYoung who wrote a book called Just Do Something.

3 Ways to Think About God’s Will

1. God’s will of decree. This refers to what God has ordained. In one sense, everything that comes to pass is according to God’s sovereign decree. And all that he decrees will ultimately come to pass. God’s will of decree cannot be thwarted. It is immutable and fixed. His will is sovereign over everything and everyone. That means nature and nations, animals and angels, spirits and Satan, good people and wicked people, and even disease and death.

This principle is stating that God’s will is what happens and what happens is according to God’s will. This is seen in many passages of Scripture. Romans 8:28 is a familiar example: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Listen to what Jesus says in Matthew 10: 29-30: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your father. But he says, but even the hairs of your head are all numbered.”

God doesn’t just plan out a few of the big decisions for your life. He knows the smallest sparrow and the grayest hair, and neither falls to the ground unless your heavenly father wills it. Your life unfolds according to his providence. And because of that, you can trust that he’s in control and has a purpose for all things. That’s a very comforting truth.

James says, “Listen up all who say today or tomorrow, we will go to this city or that city and do business.” We’d call that ‘making plans’. But James goes on to say, “You don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Instead, we should say, if it’s the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” The point isn’t that we always need to say, “…if it’s God’s will”, although that doesn’t hurt! It’s that we need to always remember that God is sovereign and nothing will happen outside of his will.

Even when it came to the death of Jesus, the Bible says that he was put to death by evil, lawless men, doing what they wanted to do, but also doing what God had planned and ordained all along to bring about the salvation of his people.

2. God’s will of desire. This refers to what God desires from us. If the will of decree is how things are, the will of desire is how things ought to be. Both of these are in Scripture.

God’s will of decree cannot be thwarted. But God’s will of desire, the way he wants us to live in terms of his moral will, can be disregarded by us. 1 John 2: 15-17 says, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions are not from the father, but from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires. But whoever does the will of God abides forever.”

The will of God in this passage is the way that God commands you to live. Doing the will of God means saying no to the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and pride in your possessions. In other words, the will of desire means that God asks you to do what is pleasing in his sight.

Deuteronomy 29:29 says, “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever that we may do all the words of his law.” This is the closest we come to finding the will of decree and the will of desire side by side in Scripture. God has secret things known only to him, but he also has revealed things that you are meant to know and obey.

It’s God’s will that you avoid sexual immorality. If you don’t, misery always follows because in a sense, you’re outside of his good plan for you. It’s God’s will that you give thanks in all things. It’s God’s will that you obey his commands to love others and love him with all your heart. You don’t have to pray about obeying God’s moral will. “Should I lie or not? Should I commit adultery or not?” The answer is obviously “no”. In some ways, that makes it simple to identify and obey God’s will.

The Bible says that God desires all to be saved. He desires for all of us to repent of our sins and trust Jesus as our Savior and as our Lord. In fact, Jesus’ invitation is to everyone. He says, “Come to me, those who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” That’s God’s will for your life. So in this sense, the will of God is not that mysterious. But it can be hard to follow.

3. God’s will of direction. This is where you ask, “Does God have a specific plan for my life?” Yes, God has a specific plan for your life. He’s created beforehand good works for you to do, as it says in Ephesians 2:10. You will often be able to trace God’s guiding hand when you look back on your life.

Yet God does not burden you with the task of divining a hidden, mysterious will and direction for your life. You should seek his wisdom. You can evaluate the pro and cons as you’re making decisions. You can ask others for advice. But his will is not a corn maze or a tightrope where one false move sends you spinning out of it.

Expecting God to reveal his hidden will of direction is an invitation to disappointment and indecision. He shows you the way of obedience and invites you to follow him. The problem is that you may think he’s going to tell you exactly what that wonderful plan is before it unfolds. You may feel like you need to know what God wants every step of the way, but such preoccupation with finding God’s will leads to misery.

The better way is the biblical way. Seek first the kingdom of God and then trust that he will take care of your needs. Make decisions and move along with life being faithful to Jesus along the way.

How to Make Life’s Biggest Decisions with Wisdom and Faith

There are lots of important decisions to make in life, but there are two big ones that many people wonder about so we’re going to focus on those: how to know what job to take and how to know who to marry. DeYoung’s book gives 4 steps that you can follow for both decisions:

Step 1: Search the Scriptures. There are moral principles that you can follow. Regarding the job, is it within the realm of God’s moral will for your life? Will it provide for your family? Are your God-given talents and abilities suited for the job? Regarding a spouse, the Bible makes it clear that you should only marry someone who loves the Lord and is living for him. It should be someone you enjoy spending time with, who has godly values and virtues, and who demonstrates genuine love and respect towards you.

Step 2: Get wise counsel from others. Many times the people in our lives know or have observed specific things about us that can guide us when making a career decision. Regarding your relationship, do your friends and family think that this is a good fit and that this person is helping you become the person that God intends you to be? Be open and willing to hear others’ thoughts and feedback.

Step 3: Pray about it. Pray for God to lead you to the right job or spouse—and also pray with a willing spirit to change course if the answer is “no”. Pay attention if you feel either internally unsettled or peaceful when you consider one option over another.

Step 4: Make the decision. You can move forward secure in the knowledge that you have sought God’s leading and followed his moral guidelines.

We’ve covered a lot in this episode, and as I said up top, there is more to God’s will than even these principles explain. But for now, I can sum up how to know God’s will fairly simply: Live for God, obey the Scriptures, be holy, and love Jesus.

Recommended Resource:

Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God’s Will by Kevin DeYoung

In this episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Austin tackles one of the Bible’s hardest commands: forgiving someone who has hurt you. Jesus’ words from the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us” sounds good, but it can feel impossible in the face of a painful offense.

Keep in mind that forgiveness isn’t the natural, human response to being hurt. In order to forgive, you will need God’s grace and strength, as well as a deep trust that one day he will bring justice to all wrongs done to you. The result? Relief from bitterness, the ability to move forward, and a visible sign of God’s kingdom breaking into everyday life.

Forgiving is much easier said than done, which is why we want to encourage and equip you to enter a process of forgiveness that leads to freedom and hope, one step at a time.

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Highlights from this Episode

If you’ve been following along, you’ll remember we are in a series designed to give you practical steps and wisdom on how to handle common yet difficult life issues. We’ve covered coping with a panic attack, handling unanswered prayer, dealing with difficult people, and managing stress. In today’s episode, we are going to explore how to forgive someone who has hurt you, which might be one of the most difficult topics that we tackle in this series.

We’re doing this episode for two reasons. First, forgiveness is commanded by Jesus. When his disciples asked Jesus how to pray, Jesus tells them what is now known as the Lord’s Prayer. As conveyed in Luke 11, it includes the phrase “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” Those of us who have given our allegiance to Jesus are commanded by him to forgive those who sin against us.

It’s helpful to define what biblical forgiveness looks like:

Biblical forgiveness is the voluntary decision to release a person from the debt of their sin or offense, mirroring God’s grace and mercy towards us through Christ. It is not a feeling, but a choice to let go of resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge.

In my experience personally and as a pastor and counselor, this command to forgive has often been misunderstood. This leads to the second reason for this episode: I want to clear up some misconceptions and provide clarity on how to forgive someone the way that Jesus commands.

Forgiveness is Wound Care

Imagine you’re cutting up some chicken in your kitchen and you slice your finger so deep that you need to go to the ER to get stitches. But the doctor didn’t disinfect your wound and a week or two later, it becomes infected. It’s red, swollen, and painful. What do you do? You could ignore the pain and tell yourself to move on.

If you do that, you’re going to get very sick and experience more pain in the long run. But what you’ll probably do is go back to the ER and have someone take the stitches out and clean the wound. Will that hurt? Absolutely. But that is good pain that will make you healthier in the long run.

The process of forgiving someone who hurt you is similar. When you get hurt, it’s like someone has wounded you. Forgiveness is the proper way to care for that wound. If you don’t forgive, the wound gets infected and becomes more painful in the long run.

I don’t take the hurts you’ve experienced lightly. I don’t know your story and how you’ve been hurt, but most likely you’ve been hurt in small ways and probably some bigger ways as well—maybe even things that are difficult to talk about. At the same time, the process that I’m about to describe does work.

A quick disclaimer so we’re on the same page: Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened to you, minimizing the hurt that was caused, or trying to return to “normal”. These steps aren’t quick and easy; they require hard work and God’s strength. The process of forgiveness takes time and may not go according to plan right away.

4 Practical Steps for Forgiveness

Step #1: Honestly assess and feel your hurt and then evaluate the type of person who has hurt you

Your first task is to assess the depth and seriousness of the wound—recognizing that you are the only one who gets to decide how painful it is. Rather than minimizing, ignoring, or rushing past the pain, you can name it, feel it, and bring it honestly before God through prayer, writing, or emotional expression. This isn’t usually a one-time process; pain may resurface over time and need to be acknowledged again.

After you’ve tended to your own pain, the next step is to assess the person who hurt you. Drawing from therapist Dan Allender’s framework in his book Bold Love, you’ll find that some people are “normal sinners” who can take responsibility and listen to the impact of their actions. Others are “fools” who minimize, dismiss, or rush past the pain they cause. Still others are “evil,” intentionally seeking to harm and even enjoying it.

This discernment matters because sharing the impact of your hurt is only wise when the other person is safe and receptive. If someone consistently minimizes, weaponizes, or exploits your pain, it may be both wise and necessary to withhold sharing and continue processing that hurt with God and with safe, supportive people instead.

If you are dealing with a normal sinner who can admit fault, you can move on to the next step.

Step #2: Ask the offender if they are willing to hear the impact their actions had on you

At this point, you’re not actually sharing your feelings. That’s next. You’re simply asking them if they are willing to parachute onto your island to hear and to see and to feel what it was like when they hurt you.

It’s important to tell them what you’re going to need from them if you share. This person needs to listen and validate your experience rather than minimizing or justifying it. There might be other things that you’ll need now or in the future, but the important thing in this first moment is to hear an acknowledgement from the person that they’re going to do these things. If so, you can move to the next step.

Step #3: Share the story and unload the pain with the offender or someone who can support your healing

This is the step where you unload the actual hurt from the past, whether that takes one ten-minute venting session or multiple conversations over weeks, depending on how deep the wound is. As you unload, you are honest and truthful about the hurt the other person caused you—telling the story of what happened from the beginning, chronologically, naming how it made you feel and how it affected you, not to decide who was right or wrong, but to help the other person understand.

This process can hurt, but it is necessary because you are bringing your pain into the light. With more serious wounds, you can give yourself time and grace, going slowly, sharing less rather than more, and involving a third party if needed. Though unloading this hurt is often the hardest step, it is also the most powerful and freeing, because it becomes the relief to pent-up bitterness and resentment.

When you talk about your pain and feel heard and validated, healing begins, and you can move to the next step.

If the person who harmed you is not willing or able to hear the pain they have caused you, this step can be done with someone else who can listen, hear your story, and help bear the burden of the hurt you carry. As much as you may want to be able to do this with the person who has caused you pain, sharing your hurt with another trusted person can be just as healing and move you forward in the process of forgiveness.

Step #4: Clearly state your needs and boundaries for the future

This step involves creating and imagining a path forward with the other person. This is less of a hostage negotiation and more of a collaboration with the other person about what your relationship is going to look like going forward—assuming you still want a relationship with them. Hopefully, the person who has harmed you can extend a genuine apology for how they’ve hurt you, and you can tell the person who has hurt you: “I forgive you.”

Your relationship with them doesn’t have to go back to the way it was. In fact, it will likely be very different going forward. Sharing your wants and needs and hopes for the future provides clarity and ensures that they can’t claim they didn’t know what you needed. Use the framework “Would you be willing…” to make your request, and be ready to flex and flow and adjust your expectations if they aren’t able or willing to honor it.

Forgiveness Requires Strength Beyond Willpower

If you try to do these steps with sheer willpower alone, you might make a good start, but you’re not going to finish the way that you want to. Your willpower is a limited commodity and it’s not as reliable as you think it is. Instead, it’s important to look outside of yourself for strength.

There are three Bible verses that can help with this. First, Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not in your own understanding.” To trust in the Lord with all your heart and to lean on God’s understanding is to not be controlled by your instinctual retaliatory responses for justice if you’re hurt.

But you don’t need to give up your desire for justice. That’s captured in the second verse. Romans 12:19 says, “Vengeance is mine. I will repay, says the Lord.” The Lord is very much concerned with justice, even more than you and I are. But it will happen in his time and his way, and you can trust him to balance the scales.

This leads to the third and final verse: Isaiah 41:10 says, “I will strengthen you.” In the immediate context, God is talking to the people of Israel, but this also applies to you as an individual. It’s in the future tense, which means it’s ongoing. God is going to strengthen you in your life and in your relationships. He does for you what another person can never do.

Even in the best-case scenario, the most well-intentioned and repentant person can only go so far in bringing healing, restitution, justice, and making amends. They may genuinely work to change, speak more kindly, act more thoughtfully, or even offer tangible help for past hurts—and that matters. But sooner or later, they will still let you down, because they are fallible, sinful, and imperfect, just like you.

All too often, people who have been hurt don’t receive full justice or healing in this life. That’s why it’s foundational for you to look to God first. He is the one who strengthens you, upholds you, and knows every hurt that has been done to you and ever will be. In the end, he is the one who will make all things right and wipe away every tear.

The Blessings of Forgiveness

When you commit to the process of forgiveness, two things can happen. First, forgiveness brings relief. It may even bring relief to the other person, releasing them from guilt, but it most certainly brings relief to you. Hurt is like an open wound or a heavy, burning coal that weighs you down and scalds your soul. When you forgive, you give that wound and that coal to Jesus. The wound may leave a scar but you are no longer consumed by it.

The second result is that God’s kingdom is made visible here and now. When you freely forgive, you put on display what it looks like when heaven comes to earth. Forgiveness becomes a lived reality, a new way of living that shows what it looks like when God’s will is done on earth as it is in heaven.

Recommended Resources:

WYITW podcast episode: The Roots of Bitterness

WYITW podcast episode: Managing the Weeds of Forgiveness

Bold Love by Dan Allender

When You’ve Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness to Forgiveness by Pastor Erwin Lutzer

In this empathetic episode of our newest series, How to Handle Life, Lynn takes a look at the ways chronic stress can lead to burnout, cynicism, numbness, or simply feeling disconnected from yourself and from God.

She’ll share 3 intentional shifts you can make, regardless of whether your circumstances change, so you can move out of survival mode and into a more grounded, present, and renewed way of living.

If life feels like too much right now, this episode will help you understand what stress is doing inside your body and how to respond with wisdom and grace.

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Highlights from this Episode

Today’s topic is going to be relatable to you because it’s one that so many of us deal with: stress. I’m not just talking about the momentary stress from a tough day. I’m talking about deep, chronic stress that builds quietly until your body, mind, and heart start to feel the strain.

When you don’t know how to handle stress, eventually you turn to apathy, cynicism, or burnout because it all just becomes too much to handle. Today’s episode is going to empower you to handle stress in a new way that is strategic and effective.

What Stress Really Is

Let’s start by defining stress. Simply put, stress is your response to your circumstances, whether they involve change, challenge, or pressure—or all three. It’s a physiological activation you experience when life demands more than you can sustainably give.

There are many circumstances that can contribute to stress. Our world is broken and things are not as they are supposed to be. There is pain, death, suffering, heartache, toil, brokenness, trauma, and loss. Sometimes those hardships accumulate in ways that you aren’t even aware of, and take a toll on your body, mind, and spirit.

Here are some I frequently see as a counselor: facing an unwanted divorce, grieving the loss of a loved one, parenting a child with special needs, financial strain, relational breakdown, hurtful family dynamics, job pressures, facing big life decisions, moving to a new city or starting a new job, experiencing a painful breakup, caring for an aging parent, or having to accept a frightening medical diagnosis.

Often, you experience unavoidable stress; that is, things that happen to you outside of your control but that you must deal with. Other times you’re experiencing unnecessary stress that is the consequence of decisions you’ve made.

Regardless of the source, prolonged or chronic stress occurs when your body’s fight-or-flight response stays activated for a long time. While short-term stress often resolves itself without causing harm, chronic stress causes cumulative wear and tear on nearly every system in your body.

The effects of chronic stress include:

• Persistent surges in adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormones)

• Elevated blood pressure and increased risk of heart disease and stroke

• Higher susceptibility to illnesses or autoimmune conditions

• Nervous system disruptions including digestive issues, back pain, headaches, sleep difficulties, and hormonal imbalances

• Heightened risk for anxiety, depression, irritability, panic attacks, and burnout

• Triggered or worsening mental health issues, addiction, or other negative coping mechanisms

That’s quite a list! But here’s my disclaimer: this episode is not going to address your life circumstances or help you solve the reasons for your stress. Because the sources of stress are endless and complex, we recommend you get professional help if you find yourself in a state of chronic stress. In the meantime, there are 3 shifts you can make to handle stress, whether your circumstances change or not.

As you implement these shifts away from protective survival mode, you will experience many benefits, including feeling more comfortable in your own body, experiencing increased confidence to manage difficult life stressors, and being more present to love and serve others.

3 Shifts for Inner Renewal

Shift #1: From numbing to noticing. When you feel distressing emotions, it’s tempting to want to avoid them through busyness or distraction, like doomscrolling on your phone, binge-watching Netflix, mindless eating, alcohol, shopping, or countless other avoidance strategies. For me, reality TV is a way to avoid the stresses in my life.

Numbing is a great short-term strategy. It’s an anesthetic for emotional pain, and we do it because it works. As a pleaser and an avoider, numbing allows me to bypass distressing or uncomfortable emotions. The downside is that it pushes my negative feelings so far outside of my conscious awareness that I’m not actually dealing with them.

But sadly, those feelings haven’t gone anywhere. They are living somewhere inside my body and they will accumulate until one minor trigger brings them all to the surface and then there’s an overreaction or an explosion. Boom! I’m dysregulated and I don’t know why. Instead of numbing, noticing requires me to pay attention to my body and the stress signals that my body sends me.

Stress can show up in your body as a tightness or heaviness in your chest; tension in your jaw, neck, or shoulders; fast or shallow breathing; a lump in your throat; fatigue, lethargy, or exhaustion; or a buzzing or disconnected feeling in your head. Whatever it is for you, you’ll need to become an observer of yourself, almost like you’re the director of a movie watching yourself as the main character.

Shift #2: From negating to naming. The reality is that most of us were not shown healthy ways to notice and name our feelings. When you were a child, your parents probably responded to your feelings in one of three ways (if you are a parent, maybe you have done these): minimize or negate the feelings; ignore the feelings; or try to fix the feelings.

All three of these parental responses bypassed an opportunity for you to grow in self-awareness, self-expression, and self-regulation. As an adult, when you feel anxious, angry, sad, or disappointed, you will likely revert to one of these three responses. But when you name your emotions instead of negating them, you’re learning to tell the truth about what you are feeling.

Shifts #1 and #2 come together when you can connect what you noticed with what you named. Emotions and physical sensations often go together: anxiety can produce an increased heart rate; sadness causes a heaviness in the chest; anger shows up as back or shoulder pain; rage can be a sensation of heat rising in the body; grief and loss feel like emptiness.

When you connect the feeling you’ve noticed and named to your corresponding life circumstances, this helps you make sense of your perception of reality and take ownership of it. Check your perceptions with other people around you that you trust. You can ask them questions like, “Do you think this makes sense?” “Am I overreacting?” “Is this what you meant when you said this?”

Shift #3: From neglecting to nurturing. Many Christians believe that neglecting their emotions and ignoring their inner world is somehow more holy, more selfless, and more Christlike. You may have been trained to put your feelings aside to love others. You may believe that it’s selfish to pay attention to your emotional needs, and that your focus should be outwardly serving others.

The truth is, self-understanding does not have to lead to self-centeredness. God invites you to search your heart. You may be tempted to hide from God and others because you feel tremendous shame about the parts of you that still need work, but that leads to isolation, more pain, and more shame. With the help of the Holy Spirit, you can nurture yourself so that you can better help others.

What would it look like if you nurtured rather than neglected yourself? It starts with having the same compassion towards yourself that you would have towards a friend or loved one who is distraught or suffering. At first, that might feel foreign to you, but these 3 shifts are about re-wiring your mind and heart. You are God’s dearly beloved child and can treat yourself as such, tending to the hurt parts of yourself just as tenderly as Jesus would.

10 Ways to Nurture Yourself

1. Give yourself permission to rest and recover without guilt.

2. Reconnect with the parts of yourself that enjoy fun, play, and joy.

3. Care for your body through intentional movement, healthy eating, calming practices, and medication when needed.

4. Regularly ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” and respond with compassion.

5. Say ‘no’ to both draining and even good commitments so you can create margin in your life.

6. Shift your self-talk from hopeless and negative to truthful, hopeful, and grounded in God’s presence.

7. Practice confession and repentance, trusting God’s promise to forgive and cleanse your heart.

8. Reach out to safe and loving people so you don’t carry stress alone.

9. Engage in spiritual practices like prayer, Scripture, worship, journaling, and rest.

10. Ask God for wisdom, trusting that he gives it generously in every circumstance.

I want to end this episode with some verses that I’ve chosen for myself this year. In 2 Corinthians 4:16-17, Paul says, “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed by life right now, don’t lose heart. The challenges before you may be daunting, but rest assured that on the inside, you can be renewed day by day. Our very real hope in Christ is that one day all will be well. In the meantime, my prayer is that these 3 shifts will help facilitate the renewal of your spirit and that you will be comforted by God’s promises and presence as you grow and mature in your inner life.

Looking for help naming your emotions? Download our free Feeling Word List.

In this perceptive episode of our How to Handle Life series, John shares three effective, biblically-based strategies for dealing with difficult people. He’ll also explain God’s different responses to repentant and unrepentant people, why gentleness works in some situations but not in others, and how boundaries can actually be a form of kindness.

You’ll learn practical strategies to protect your heart and engage difficult people without becoming harsh, controlling, or unloving. If you’ve ever felt stuck between “Turning the other cheek” and “I can’t keep doing this,” this episode is for you.

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Highlights from this Episode

In this series, we’re covering hot topics that are sometimes difficult to navigate and giving you strategies to tackle them. Today we’re going to look at how to deal with difficult people.

Let’s start by looking at the way God responds to difficult people. The first question that God always asks is, are they repentant or are they unrepentant? A repentant person is willing to take ownership of their actions. They are teachable, rational, and humble. They’re soft-hearted. An unrepentant person refuses to take responsibility for their actions. It’s always someone else’s fault. They aren’t teachable or humble. They’re hard-hearted.

It’s good to highlight this distinction because when you have really difficult people in your life, you may think it’s your responsibility to put on an attitude of gentleness, and kindness, and turn the other cheek. That works really well with a repentant person. A ‘normal sinner’, as we sometimes say. However, when the person is unrepentant or unreasonable, you may need another strategy.

A Biblical Framework

The Bible talks about difficult people and how to deal with them. In 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Paul says, “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Then in Titus 3:10, he says, “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.” The unruly and divisive require stern responses like admonishment and then having nothing to do with them.

It turns out that the most loving response you can have towards a difficult person is to help them or influence them to become a repentant person. And in this short episode, we’re going to focus on how to help an unrepentant person in your life by setting conditions that nudge them toward becoming a repentant person.

No out-of-control or hurtful behavior is ever going to change if it doesn’t get one basic thing: limits, which we also call boundaries. Sometimes you must give a person limits, and oftentimes that doesn’t look to them like you’re being nice. Or, you may not feel like you’re being nice when you set boundaries, but it is a form of kindness.

Limits are good for the offender. But they’re also good for the one who is being hurt because limits provide a protective shield from the harsh elements of a relationship in which one person is hurting another. Once the person who’s getting hurt gains a little bit of power, the difficult person starts being a little less difficult. And the hurt party starts gaining some freedom.

The strategies here are not meant to manipulate or control someone. First, they’re meant to protect you from hurt or further hurt if you’re being hurt repeatedly. Second, they’re designed to influence the offender to see things differently. Think of them as an invitation to repentance. You cannot control another person, but what you can do is relate to them in a way that will incline them to want to control themselves.

3 Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People

1. The Ask: This is the first level of intervention. This is to use with the person who seems to enjoy criticizing you or the spouse or roommate who leaves their junk everywhere, or someone who cuts you down in front of your friends all the time.

This may come across as seemingly benign because it’s pretty simple. In the business world, if you craft an email, you need to have a clear asking point. Here it is: “Would you be willing…?”

• Would you be willing to stop interrupting me when I’m telling a story at a party?

• Would you be willing to not snap at me like that?

• Would you be willing to help me with the kids?

• Would you be willing to pick up after yourself?

• Would you be willing to give me notice when you’re running late?

Before you dismiss this strategy as being not very powerful, think about this. When was the last time you were in a conflict where you asked a question? Usually when one person is upset with another person, they vent by criticizing. That puts the other person on the defensive.

Instead, this strategy forces the other person to slow down and think about what their own will. What are they willing to do? Are they open to learning and growing? Do they value your request? If they are soft-hearted, they will respect your request and change their behavior. If they are hard-hearted, their words and actions will indicate that they’re not willing to consider your request or make any changes on your behalf. That’s when you can use the next strategy.

2. The Picture: Remember show-and-tell in kindergarten? This is the show part. It’s like holding up a mirror to show them the impact of their actions on the relationship.

With this tool, you’re not using a lot of words. You’re not threatening. You’re not nagging, you’re not judging, you’re not telling them what they’re supposed to do, you’re simply showing them. You’re making them aware of reality.

One way to communicate ‘the picture’ is using this formula: “When you ____, I feel ____.”

Here’s what this might sound like: “When you come in with a scowl on your face, I feel like I have done something wrong. I want to pull away from you. A part of my heart starts to shrink. And that hurts our relationship.”

This is what admonishing the unruly could look like in real life. You’re simply putting hands and feet to the principles in Scripture. If the person softens, then you can drop your guard and open your arms. But first, you’re inviting them to look at their actions and how they’re affecting the relationship.

I have a mentor who likes to say a picture is worth a thousand words, but an experience is like a thousand pictures. And this is what the third tactic is.

3. The Price Tag: Sometimes a person needs to experience the cost of their actions. This is the price tag. This is not revenge or retaliation. You’re simply letting the way in which someone relates to you dictate how you respond to them or what they experience from you.

Here’s an example. If you took your car to the shop and the mechanic says, “Here comes that guy that doesn’t know how to take care of his car, the broken car guy, what’d you do now? If you maintained your car more carefully, you wouldn’t have to spend so much money on this!” How likely are you to go back to that repair shop? Probably never again.

Is that because you’re mean? Is it because you’re retaliating? Or because you’re unforgiving? No. It’s just that being treated that way makes you less inclined to be in that place with that person again. You will not be disposed to be favorable toward them in the future unless their behavior changes.

Here’s an example of the price tag. A friend of mine would visit his father and his father would get intoxicated and say mean things. One day my friend said to his dad, “I’m happy to be here, but if you start drinking and you get mean, I’m going to leave and I’ll come back tomorrow when you’re sober.”

Ultimately, the price of hurtful behavior may mean the loss of the relationship. In the meantime, these strategies will help you determine if this difficult person is willing to make any changes. Hurtful people will continue to hurt you if you allow them to. When you shine a light on them, they have a motive to work on themselves.

Apologies Without Repentance

Before we wrap up, let’s address the chronic apologizer. When someone apologizes but never changes, there are two things you can do. First, accept the apology, but take care of your hurt feelings. That may mean setting a boundary or giving yourself some space from this person. If you respond this way and they go ballistic, you’re going to find out the truth: they really weren’t sorry at all. They were just in the “I’m sorry” phase of their crazy cycle.

Second, you might say something like this. “It feels good when you apologize to me. But the next time this happens, how would you like me to respond to you? What do you want me to do?” A repentant person is going to say something like, “Throw the book at me, ask me to leave the house for 20 minutes, put me in time out, I just don’t want to hurt you again.” A hard-hearted person is going to reveal that they don’t want any consequences, and you may need to set some limits with them.

Difficult people are going to show up in your life. That’s something you can count on. Be prepared to protect yourself and use these strategies to encourage the difficult person to slow down and take a look at themselves. If they are able to grow and choose different behaviors, you will start to feel confidence. Loving others by engaging with strength is a type of love that is extremely powerful.

Looking for more help on loving with limits? Check out our free Setting Healthy Boundaries download.

If your marriage could use a gentle tune-up, we’re here to help. Based on our Making Marriage Work podcast series, this small group study blends biblical truth with research-based relational principles to guide you toward deeper understanding, healthier connection, and renewed hope.

The Leader & Participant Guides have everything you need to complete this 8-lesson study:

• Lesson 1: Why Marriage Matters

• Lesson 2: Living in the Reality of Marriage

• Lesson 3: How Do I REALLY Talk to My Spouse?

• Lesson 4: When Two Histories Collide

• Lesson 5: Boundaries: The Key to Trust

• Lesson 6: How Kids Can Build Up and Break Down Your Marriage

• Lesson 7: 4 Habits of a Healthy Marriage

• Lesson 8: The Road to and Away from Divorce & Wrap-up

The Participant’s Guide includes:

• Relevant Bible verses

• Thought-provoking discussion questions

• A Quick Reference Guide that summarizes key points

• A Feeling Word List to help identify and express emotions

• Links to each episode of the Making Marriage Work podcast series

The Leader’s Guide includes all of the content in the Participant’s Guide, plus:

• Instructions on how to use the study

• Helpful information for leading vibrant group discussions

Download both guides now to start using them today:

Leader's Guide - Making Marriage Work

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Download your free Leader's Guide to use this life-changing study with your small group!

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Participant's Guide - Making Marriage Work

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Download your free Participant's Guide to use this life-changing study with your small group!

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Questions about using these studies in your small group? Email us at withyouintheweeds@thecrossingchurch.com!

In this powerful conversation, Shay sits down with his father-in-law, Pastor Erwin Lutzer, about the discouragement of unanswered prayer. When your earnest prayers seem to go unanswered, it’s difficult to comprehend how God’s “no” might serve a greater unseen purpose. It turns out that God may accomplish more through unanswered prayer than through the answers you long for.

You’ll walk away from this second episode in our How to Handle Life series with practical help, including how to pray with right motives, a simple framework for meaningful prayer, and encouragement to be honest with God about your disappointment while still choosing worship.

If you’ve ever felt let down by God or wondered whether prayer really matters in light of his sovereignty, this episode offers hope, clarity, and a deeper invitation to trust him—even when heaven is quiet.

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Highlights of Shay’s Conversation with Pastor Lutzer

Shay: Today we’re looking at a very practical question: Why doesn’t God answer my prayers? It’s something all of us have wondered at some point. To talk about this, I’m joined by my father-in-law, Pastor Erwin Lutzer. Welcome!

Pastor Lutzer: So glad to be with you today, Shay. We’re discussing this because so many people are discouraged with God. They cry out to him, believing their request is right, believing that if God loved them he would answer—and when he doesn’t, they’re left discouraged.

Shay: In one sense, prayer is simple; it’s just talking with God. But it can also be far more complex than we realize. Having known you for many years, I know that you are a man of prayer; you regularly pray for your children and grandchildren. So that’s one reason that I wanted to have you speak on this topic today.

You have a new book coming out called Why Doesn’t God Answer My Prayers? I’d like to start by asking, why did you feel compelled to write it?

Pastor Lutzer: So many people today are deconstructing—they’re leaving the faith. One major reason is unanswered prayer. I think of a woman who came to me in tears and said, “God has abandoned me.” Her husband had been sick, and she was convinced he would be healed. When he wasn’t, she concluded God was no longer interested in her.

She had been listening to teaching that said healing is in the atonement, and if you have enough faith, you can insist God heal you. But it didn’t happen. I’ve seen this before. My parents knew a couple who believed they would never die because they could claim healing every day until Christ returned. Of course, they died many years ago.

Yes, healing is in the atonement. Jesus died for us—body, soul, and spirit. But there are blessings we don’t fully receive in this life. We will receive those blessings eventually. We’ll have resurrected bodies. But until then, even faith healers die. Poor theology about prayer can leave people deeply disillusioned with God.

Shay: There are times Scripture tells us to call the elders together and pray for healing. How do we think about that rightly?

Pastor Lutzer: At Moody Church we did that regularly. But when people asked for prayer, I always talked with them first. Often there were sin issues that needed to be addressed. James says the prayer of faith can bring healing, but he also talks about forgiveness, repentance, and right motives.

I’ve seen people healed. I’ve also seen many who were not. That creates tension. James later says, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” He’s warning us not to treat God like a slot machine.

Then James tells us the posture we must have: submit to God, resist the devil, purify your hearts. Prayer must come with humility. Even when we ask for good things, we must end where Jesus did: “Not my will, but yours be done.”

There are promises we can always count on: salvation, forgiveness, God’s presence. But God has never promised to give us everything we ask for simply because we ask.

Shay: The Bible itself gives us many examples of unanswered prayer.

Pastor Lutzer: Absolutely. Think of the Apostle Paul. He prayed three times for the thorn in his flesh to be removed. God said no, but added, “My grace is sufficient for you.” God wasn’t abandoning Paul. It’s probably a good thing that Scripture doesn’t tell us what Paul’s thorn was, so that we can relate to his struggle.

I knew a woman whose husband died young. She was furious with God. She would drive to church crying, shouting, “Your grace is not sufficient!” One day she poured out her anger before God and confessed what she called “cartloads of self-pity.” From that day on, she could finally say, “Your grace is sufficient.”

Paul eventually said, “Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” When I am weak, then I am strong. God often brings you to weakness so you’ll depend on him.

Shay: We also see this many times in the Old Testament.

Pastor Lutzer: Yes! Habakkuk is a fascinating example. He begins by crying out, “God, where are you? Look at the violence!” God answers, “I am working behind the scenes by raising up the Babylonians against you.” Habakkuk basically responds, “That’s not the answer I was looking for.”

But by the end of the book, Habakkuk trusts God’s sovereignty. Even though everything will be destroyed, he says he will still rejoice in the Lord. You don’t have to understand God’s ways in order to trust that he knows what he’s doing.

Shay: In your book, you say the ultimate example of unanswered prayer is Jesus himself.

Pastor Lutzer: When I wrote that section, I literally got off my chair and fell on my face before God. In Gethsemane, Jesus prayed three times, “Father, all things are possible for you. Take this cup from me.”

What if God had answered that prayer? You and I would not be redeemed. Our salvation was purchased through an unanswered prayer.

God may be doing more through unanswered prayer than he ever does through answered prayer. We have no idea what he is protecting us from.

Shay: Even knowing all this, unanswered prayer can still leave us disappointed.

Pastor Lutzer: Hebrews talks about believers who joyfully accepted the loss of their possessions because they were looking to a greater reward. And of course Jesus endured the cross because of the joy set before him.

If you are angry with God, tell him. Do it reverently, but tell him. David did. Psalm 77 asks, “Has God forgotten to be gracious?” God can handle your honesty. But don’t stop there. Meditate on God’s faithfulness. Every lament in Scripture eventually turns into worship. When you don’t know what to do with God, worship him.

Shay: So let me ask you this: If God is sovereign, does prayer really change anything?

Pastor Lutzer: I once preached at Brooklyn Tabernacle, where 1,500 people gather for prayer. I told the pastor, Jim Cymbala, that I think it’s great when we have 100 people gathered for prayer. I asked him how they get so many people to come to prayer meeting and he told me, “Your church would be full too if your people believed God answers prayer.”

Jesus said the Father knows what we need before we ask—and then he told us to pray. God invites us into his work. Often he gives us burdens because he wants us to be part of the solution. The prodigal son came home because he was hungry, but he needed his father more than supper.

You and I can take prayer, whether it is answered our way or not, and go beyond prayer to fellowship, worship, and connection to God. Why do you think God gives us so many trials? It’s so that we might always depend on him.

I wake up every morning and say, “I will bless the Lord at all times.” I never let a morning go by without reminding myself that today there’s going to be a lot of mystery. But at the end of the mystery, it’s all about worshiping God.

If you need help praying, use the ACTS model (use the book of Acts to remember):

• Adoration: This step is critical. Spend time adoring and worshipping God.

• Confession: Let God search your heart. Get to the bottom of the guilt that you are carrying because of unconfessed sin.

• Thanksgiving: You can’t give thanks for everything, but in everything. When you give thanks, you begin to see things from God’s perspective.

• Supplication: Share with God the desires of your heart and transfer the weight of the burden from your heart to his very steady shoulders.

The greatest faith is not to see miracles. The greatest faith is to accept whatever God gives you. The last part of Hebrews 11, the great statement of faith, is all those who saw no miracles. They were persecuted. They lived humble lives and then died, but they were also heroes of faith.

Shay: That’s such a fitting place to end. Pastor Lutzer’s book Why Doesn’t God Answer My Prayers? is available for preorder. He also has a daily devotional called Running to Win that is a combination of the writings of D.L. Moody with his own thoughts. I’ve been reading it every day and finding it very helpful. Thank you for your ministry, Erwin, and for being my father-in-law.

Pastor Lutzer: Thank you, Shay. I’m grateful to be with you. We’re so glad you married our lovely middle daughter.

Recommended Resources:

Why Doesn’t God Answer My Prayers? A Biblical Guide to
God’s Hidden Purpose by Erwin W. Lutzer

Running to Win Daily Devotional by Erwin W. Lutzer (365 days inspired by D.L. Moody)

In this practical start to our new series, How to Handle Life, Austin delves into panic attacks: what they are, why they feel so intense, and, most importantly, what you can do in the moment when one hits.

This episode isn’t about quick fixes or pretending anxiety doesn’t exist. It’s about understanding what’s happening in your body, learning practical tools to calm your system, and remembering that you’re not alone in the middle of it.

Whether panic attacks are a regular part of your life or something you’ve only encountered once or twice, we hope you find clarity, comfort, and a sense of steady ground beneath your feet.

A few disclaimers: The information shared here is not a failsafe way to prevent a panic attack. It isn’t a replacement for seeing a medical professional. And we aren’t going to get into why you have a panic attack in the first place. There are many possible reasons for that, and most likely, you will need to see a therapist to get to the root of it.

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New year, new series!

Have you felt the urge to make any resolutions this new year? Perhaps you’d like to understand yourself and God better, learn some new skills, or get a better handle on this thing called life.

If so, we’ve designed this new series just for you. We know there are a lot of things going on in your life that aren’t easy to accept or manage. Every day, we meet with clients who struggle with unanswered prayer, stress, difficult relationships, how to know God’s will, and much more.

These episodes will be practical espresso shots full of wisdom that will leave you with a greater sense of confidence to handle all that life is throwing at you. And since we often see clients who struggle with panic attacks, this is a good way to start our series.

What is a panic attack?

If you’ve had a panic attack, you know what it is—or at least, how it feels. However, there’s something about explicitly defining things that brings greater levels of clarity and understanding in the moment.

A panic attack is a sudden, intense surge of fear or discomfort with abrupt and overwhelming anxiety that comes on quickly, often without a clear or immediate danger. It brings an overall sense that something is terribly wrong.

Panic attacks are usually accompanied by physical and cognitive symptoms:

• Increased heart rate

• Shortness of breath

• Dizziness, light-headedness

• Nausea

• Sweating, shaking, or chills

• The feeling that you are having a heart attack, or are going to die

After seeing this list of symptoms, you might wonder what, if anything, can be done to manage a panic attack. But there are some strategies that can help.

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5 Steps to Manage Panic Attacks

Step 1: Controlled breathing for at least two minutes.

Specifically, breathe in for a count of 3, hold it for a count of 3, exhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4. This is called ‘box breathing’.

As you breathe, you can cross your arms over your chest or put your hands on your belly to feel yourself breathing. Push your belly out as you breathe in. I’ll explain why in a second. You may wonder, why start with breathing? When you’re in the middle of a panic attack, the only thing you can control is your breathing.

A panic attack means your body is on high alert and feels an imminent danger is present. Telling yourself cognitive truths like “I’m fine” or “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (even though it’s an excellent Bible verse) won’t help, because the part of your brain responsible for explicit thought, analysis, and evaluation is offline. The emotional part of your brain is now in charge.

When you sense a panic attack coming, or are in the midst of one, your adrenal glands have poured adrenaline and cortisol into your body, which gives you a shot of energy and allows you to be on high alert for a perceived threat.

Your blood leaves your arms and legs and heads to go to your core, giving your heart more oxygen to work with. If you’ve ever gotten sweaty palms in a panic attack, this is the blood leaving your arms. Your heart starts beating faster. You’re in fight or flight mode.

But when you breathe slowly and consistently, your diaphragm pushes against your adrenal glands. This is essentially the off-switch. Adrenaline and cortisol will stop flowing. Your heart will begin to slow down, your blood will return to your limbs, and your thinking brain will go back online in 5-10 minutes. When these things happen, you’ll be able to move on to Step 2.

Step 2: Notice (also called ‘grounding’).

Play the 5-4-3-2-1 game. This exercise is all about engaging your senses to anchor yourself in the present. So, notice:

• 5 things you see around you

• 4 things you feel with your body

• 3 things you hear around you

• 2 things you smell

• 1 thing you taste

Step 3: Movement.

Breathing is a good start to calm you down, but you also might still have a lot of adrenaline and cortisol left over in your system. Some suggestions:

• Go outside

• Walk down the hall or around the block

• Do some pushups

• Jog in place

Step 4: Eat and drink.

Drink water, Gatorade, or juice; not alcohol, coffee, or an energy drink. Eat a snack. Ideally something with protein like nuts or trail mix, but anything is better than nothing. Something with sugar may help stabilize your blood sugar if that has dropped.

Don’t try to eat during the panic attack, as your throat may constrict and you might choke. Instead, eat after you’ve controlled your breathing, done the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise, moved around, and have calmed down.

Step 5: Get a hug.

If you have someone that you feel comfortable hugging, their presence can be the calm in the storm. Feeling the sturdy, consistent, quiet presence of a safe person helps calm the parts of your brain and body that think that you are in crisis.

If you’re getting the hug, focus on trying to match the other person’s breathing. If you’re giving the hug, concentrate on breathing nice and slow.

Managing the Moment, Exploring the Why

The more you practice all of these steps, the more natural they become. If you practice intentional breathing, noticing, and moving on a regular basis, then when you sense a panic attack is coming, you’ll be able to handle it more effectively.

These strategies are meant to help you with the downstream issue of a panic attack. They will not help you discover the upstream source of why your panic attacks are happening in the first place. If you want to figure that out, you’re going to need to do some deeper reflecting and searching, with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor.

Remember that Jesus knows you are anxious. He isn’t expecting you to live an anxiety-free life. Instead, he wants you to bring those anxieties to him. As 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

We’ve covered topics like a biblical perspective on addiction; the ways addiction affects the brain and why it’s so difficult to stop; and specific addictions like alcohol, marijuana, sex and porn, food, shopping, gambling, workaholism, and a surprising addiction that everyone struggles with—control!

After listening to these episodes, you’ll better understand that addiction is not an unforgivable sin but can be a gift that reveals your heart’s desperate need for God’s love and healing.

Addiction: The 6 A’s You Need to Know

In this introductory episode of our new series, John and Lynn share openly about what addiction is, why it is such an easy trap to fall into, and how God wants to heal you and give you hope and a future.

They cover these key points:

• What addiction is and why it affects everyone

• An overview of our new addiction series

• The 6 A’s of addiction – all the hows and whys

• Takeaways to bring hope if you struggle with addiction

Listen: The 6 A's You Need to Know

Read: The 6 A's You Need to Know

Why You Do What You Don’t Want to Do

Hosts Austin and Shay look through a biblical lens at the age-old struggle of why you do what you don’t want to do. It turns out that addiction is always a misguided quest for fulfillment apart from God, and promises salvation while delivering bondage.

You’ll hear their thoughts on:

• A biblical perspective of addiction

• The answer to the question, “Why do you do what you don’t want to do?”

• The practical implications of a biblical view of addiction

• Helpful ways to apply the Bible’s wisdom to your own life

Listen: Why You Do What You Don't Want

Read: What You Do What You Don't Want

What Fuels Your Addiction?

In this insightful episode, hosts Austin and John explore the 5 ‘rivers’ that fuel addiction. It turns out that a variety of different factors, some starting as early as infancy, can play a role in compulsive behaviors later in life.

As they share from their own experiences and counseling wisdom, you’ll learn about:

• The 5 ‘rivers’ that fuel addiction

• Helpful ways to map your personal ‘rivers’

• The undercurrent of shame that contributes to addiction

• Promises of Scripture that bring hope and freedom

Listen: What Fuels Your Addiction?

Read: What Fuels Your Addiction?

Why Can’t I Just Stop My Addiction?

In this perceptive episode, Austin sits down with David Koch, a professional counselor, professor, and addictions expert to explore the realities of addiction—what it is, how it develops, the role that contributing factors play, and why recovery is such a complex journey.

David will give you a behind-the-scenes look at:

• What’s going on in someone’s life before an addiction starts

• The chemical ways that addiction affects the brain

• How someone can recover from an addiction

• Shattering myths about addiction

Listen: Why Can't I Just Stop?

Read: Why Can't I Just Stop?

Do I Have a Drinking Problem?

Most people don’t wake up one day and decide to have a drinking problem. It’s usually a slow drift—one drink here, a few more there—and before you know it, alcohol might be playing a bigger role in your life than you intended.

But how can you know if it’s a problem?

Join John and Austin as they take an honest look at:

• How drinking affects your brain and body

• A biblical view of alcohol

• Questions you can ask yourself about drinking

• Paying attention without feeling shame

Listen: Do I Have a Drinking Problem?

Read: Do I Have a Drinking Problem?

Alcohol-Free: Finding Health and Healing

In this heart-wrenching but ultimately hopeful episode, radio personality Aric Bremer shares his journey from loss and loneliness to recovery and connection.

Aric’s choice to stop drinking was driven by a commitment to his wife Angie, their kids, and his faith, along with a growing awareness of how much he had to lose if he didn’t make a change.

Listen in as Aric talks to John and Shay about sobriety, faith, and the hard-won wisdom of knowing when enough is enough. Although you may not be ready to go alcohol-free, you will be encouraged to consider: am I ready to be on a path of health and healing?

Listen: Alcohol-Free: Health and Healing

Read: Alcohol-Free: Health and Healing

Growing Up in an Alcoholic Family

Can you grow up in an alcoholic home and still find hope? In this special episode, our own WYITW co-hosts (and married couple!) Lynn and Shay sit down to talk about Shay’s story of growing up with an alcoholic parent—and how faith and grace helped him find healing.

Listen in as Shay and Lynn share about:

• The shame, fear, and anxiety that children of alcoholics experience

• The lasting impact of alcoholism on adult children of alcoholics

• The 5 dysfunctional rules of an alcoholic family

• The unconditional and transformative love of God

Listen: Growing Up with Alcoholism

Read: Growing Up with Alcoholism

Should Christians Use Marijuana?

In today’s society, marijuana use is legalized and normalized…but is it wise? Listen in as John, Shay, and Austin talk straightforwardly about:

• The physical and psychological effects of THC and CBD

• What the Bible has to say about sober-mindedness and self-control

• The difference between medical use and recreational use

• Questions you can ask yourself about intentionality and relational effects

Listen: Christians and Marijuana

Read: Christians and Marijuana

How Did I Get Addicted to Porn?

This is a battle that the enemy of your soul loves to keep in the dark, but we’d like to bring it out into the light. Listen in as John and Austin unpack the the truth about porn addiction:

• Why this topic is so important and can’t be ignored

• The accessibility and depravity of online sexual content

• 5 reasons that you may find yourself addicted to porn

• 2 takeaways as you begin to seek healing

Listen: Addicted to Porn

Read: Addicted to Porn

Bonus Episode: The Connection Between Abuse and Porn Addiction

What if your current struggle is about the wounds of being used, silenced, or shamed long ago? In this compassionate bonus episode of our porn mini-series, John and Austin discusses the ways that abuse can create a distorted view of your identity, which impacts your choices, feelings, and behavior around sex and sexuality.

Listen: Abuse and Porn Addiction

Read: Abuse and Porn Addiction

How Do I Break Free from Porn?

You may have approached this issue in the past with shame, unrealistic expectations, or quick fixes that don’t last. Instead, we invite you start a process of healing that involves your heart, mind, and relationship with God.

You’ll hear about:

• 5 things that don’t help you break free from porn

• 4 core beliefs behind every porn addiction

• 5 habits that begin the process of breaking your addiction

Listen: How Do I Break Free from Porn?

Read: How Do I Break Free from Porn?

When Someone You Love Is Addicted

In this enlightening episode, Lynn and special guest Yvonne Bernard share the raw truth about addiction and codependency that many Christians are not able to say out loud. The ‘crazy cycle’ is real in a home or a marriage where there is addiction. And loving someone who is addicted takes grace and wisdom that can only come from God.

Listen: Someone You Love Is Addicted

Read: Someone You Love Is Addicted

Bonus: Download our FREE ‘Boundaries’ Guide to learn practical, biblical steps for healthier relationships: 5 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries

Are You Addicted to Your Phone?

You probably don’t mean to live glued to your phone, but the truth is, you may fall asleep to a glowing screen and wake up each morning by scrolling.

Listen in as Austin and special guest Luke Simon share about:

• How today’s nonstop content reshapes your attention and emotions

• What makes teens especially vulnerable to screen addiction

• Why detoxing from your phone creates space for real growth

• Practical guidance for limiting kids’ screen time and helping them cultivate real-life relationships

Listen: Are You Addicted to Your Phone?

Read: Are You Addicted to Your Phone?

Disordered Eating: Hungry for Love

In this compassionate episode, Lynn sits down with counselor Kelsey Crandall to talk about the key ideas behind disordered eating:

• The ways that food issues are tied to emotional, relational, and spiritual pain

• Why disordered eating can look ‘normal’ from the outside

• How shame and silence may keep you stuck

• The 5 C’s that explain why ‘food is more than food’

• Therapeutic, faith-based interventions that pave the way for healing

Listen: Disordered Eating

Read: Disordered Eating

Chasing Fulfillment: Gambling, Shopping, and Workaholism

In this thought-provoking episode of our ongoing series, John and Shay tackle behaviors like gambling, shopping, and workaholism and how they can evolve into powerful addictions that mirror the neurological patterns of substance abuse.

You’ll hear about:

• How everyday habits can become life-altering compulsions

• Why dopamine is at the center of every addiction story

• What Scripture says about being mastered by anything other than Jesus

• Examining root causes to find true freedom and healing

Listen: Chasing Fulfillment

Read: Chasing Fulfillment

Chronic Pain & Addiction: Is There Hope?

In this compassionate episode, Shay sits down with Dr. David Hockman, a doctor and former orthopedic surgeon in Columbia, MO, to discuss what long-term pain looks like from the inside, and how it intersects with addiction, hope, and the daily walk of trusting God.

Shay and David cover these important topics:

• What chronic pain is and how it affects you

• How substances used to relieve chronic pain can be addictive

• Practical ways to manage chronic pain

• Hope for you in the midst of your chronic pain

Listen: Chronic Pain & Addiction

Read: Chronic Pain & Addiction

The Last Addiction

Did you know that underneath every addiction is the addiction to control? In this wrap-up episode of our series, John sits down with Sharon Hersh, LPC, to talk about why we are addicted to control and how we can break free of our compulsions.

You’ll hear about:

• The pitfalls of using control as a coping mechanism

• How shame thrives in secrecy

• Why recovery is based on honesty

• 3 daily practices that lead to freedom from addiction

Listen: The Last Addiction

Read: The Last Addiction

In this wrap-up episode of our series, Dealing with Your Addictions, John sits down with Sharon Hersh, LPC, to talk about why we are addicted to control and how we can break free of our compulsions. Sharon is a therapist, author, speaker, and follower of Jesus, but more than that, she is someone who refuses to trade truth for comfort.

You’ll hear about:

• The pitfalls of using control as a coping mechanism

• How shame thrives in secrecy

• Why recovery is based on honesty

• 3 daily practices that lead to freedom from addiction

If you’ve ever felt weary from trying harder, or unsure how faith and freedom actually meet in real life, this conversation offers honest insight into your lifelong compulsion to save yourself—and why surrender to Christ is the only way out.

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Highlights of John’s Conversation with Sharon

John: I’m so glad to talk to you, Sharon! A number of years ago, I heard you speak on addiction and I distinctly remember your honesty, your vulnerability, and I thought, this is good. I can follow her. How did your personal experiences lead you to write this book?

Sharon: No one leaps into an addiction. I didn’t leap into writing this book. But addiction in my own life preceded the contents of this book. I grew up in a Christian family, went to a Christian college, married someone from that Christian college, and found myself thousands of miles away from home struggling with anxiety. I wanted everything to work and didn’t know that that does not always happen.

I found myself consumed with fear, trying to manage other people so that they would fit into a life that works. One day, we stopped at the liquor store, and I had a glass of wine. As soon as I had a few sips, I suddenly felt like life was okay. I didn’t know that not everyone has a few sips of alcohol and thinks, “Ah, finally I’m at home in my own skin.”

That began a daily pattern of drinking; I quickly switched from wine to hard alcohol because I naively thought that it would have less calories. Daily drinking became a pattern until finally alcohol hijacked my brain. The only way that my brain could produce the natural chemicals that deal with anxiety and stress was through that daily drink.

That went on for six years before God began to graciously drop clues in my life that this was a problem and might become a bigger problem. I eventually looked up the name of a Christian counselor in my town. I made sure his office was on the other side of town because I didn’t want anyone to see me; all my drinking was in secret. At this same time, my husband was the head of the deacons at our church, and I was the head of the children’s ministry. No one knew.

This counselor said, “Why don’t you just tell people that you are drinking too much, and you need help?” And my response was, “Oh my goodness, you do not understand. No one can know about this because they will think I’m monstrous. I’m a loser. I’m not worthy to be called a Christian.” That is what I thought of myself.

Through working with him, I learned a little bit more about addiction and I stopped drinking for the first time. Unfortunately, it was not one-and-done with me. But that was when I initially stopped and told this counselor, “Hey, I like you. You’re helping me a little bit. But I’d like to go to a woman like me.”

In that moment, I decided I was going to go back to school, become a therapist, and be that person for other women. I’ve learned that when we struggle with the unthinkable, we face consequences that mire us in the bog of shame. Part of the way out is eventually being able to offer help to the world. Writing this book, The Last Addiction, is a gift to myself that I was able to give because of the struggle I went through and what I learned.

John: The other thing I hear in that is God used that crisis to bring about something beautiful. You wanted to find a woman counselor. And instead of going deeper into despair, God gave you the desire to become one.

Sharon: That is so true. I don’t want anyone to think that it was a magical one, two, three, four, five, six linear step process. It’s been a difficult journey that often involves taking two steps forward and three steps back.

John: What do you tell someone when they say, “I want to be free of my addiction, but I slip up and I relapse over and over again?”

Sharon: First I would say, I get it. Everyone knows this struggle whether they have an identified addiction or not. It’s what the Apostle Paul talked about in Romans 6 and 7. The very things I want to do, I don’t do. And the things I don’t want to do, I keep doing.

The answer, of course, is right there in the book of Romans. “Who can deliver me from this body of flesh?” I would not quote those verses to someone I had just met! But I would say this: If someone told you that you had cancer but there are three things that you can do to guarantee you’ll be free of cancer, would you do those three things? Of course, you would say yes.

It’s the same with addiction. First, seek God, pray, and meditate. Second, be honest, I mean stark raving honest with yourself, with God, and another person. Third, if you do something that involves recovery every day: going to a meeting, reading recovery literature, or meeting with another person who struggles, you will be free of your addiction.

John: I love all three of those elements so much. Thanks for your honesty.

Sharon: We have this saying in recovery that we recover out loud so that others do not die in secret. It really is a privilege to be able to talk about this subject and to tell the truth about my life, because that is part of what keeps me in recovery.

John: You must have gone through lots of iterations of trying things and stumbling, as you previously mentioned. Is that what led you to the last addiction of control?

Sharon: That’s a good question. I did eventually make it to an Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step meeting, which I attend to this day regularly. I didn’t always attend. In 12-step, we admit that we’re powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. The twist for me is I knew after those initial six years of drinking that I was powerless. I didn’t like what it was doing to me.

The very definition of addiction is continuing to do something despite adverse consequences. I didn’t feel well physically. I felt like a hypocrite spiritually. I was terrified of what this was doing to my parenting, and it was destroying my marriage. At the same time, I continued to believe I could manage it. I thought I could keep things under control, that things were not that bad.

I laugh as I look back now. But I think every addict begins this way. One of the consequences of addiction is it freezes our emotions. All along the way there was this clenched fist at the core of my spirit saying, “I must save myself,” knowing at the same time, “I haven’t been able to.” That misery eventually opens the door to the true healing path.

John: It’s ingrained into us that we need to save ourselves. So what do we do instead?

Sharon: We surrender to God. As I’ve given that answer over the years, I’ve been told it sounds a little simplistic. It may be simple, but it’s not simplistic and it’s not easy. Because if it was easy, we would all do it.

There’s something about giving up control that is scary. At the heart of every addiction is pain that we’re trying to numb, unpleasant circumstances that we don’t know how to deal with. But there is also always this clenched fist of, “Somehow I’ve got to do this and I’m going to do it on my own.”

John: Adam and Eve had full love, safety, security. They were seen. They were known. They mattered. And they decided to trade that in to be in control. I’ve heard that the first step in AA, to admit you are powerless over your addiction, is the most resistible step.

Sharon: It certainly was for me. And I was a believer. I was a person of faith. But this has been such a gift. Without addiction, I would be merrily going along thinking that I’m mostly in charge of my life.

John: You’re mostly in charge of your life with your big red Solo cup full of Chardonnay and vodka.

Sharon: Exactly. Or, you know, with three hours of scrolling at night and $150 of purchases from Amazon and showing up at church on Sunday morning volunteering for every committee and being involved in every activity, you’re mostly in control. It’s laughable because none of us is in control. That’s why in the Big Book of AA, one of my favorite sentences is, “Either God is everything or else he is nothing.”

John: This is challenging. You’re reminding me of why we had you come on the podcast!

Sharon: When you say this is challenging, what about that statement is challenging to you?

John: It’s challenging in the sense that it goes into every nook and cranny. You can’t isolate it to, “Well, I don’t drink, so I don’t think I have a problem.” You mentioned religious addiction. That’s hardly ever talked about.

Sharon: Of course not, because then who would do all the work? There are a lot of things that we do to feel in control of our lives that are not destructive or aren’t as overtly destructive as substance abuse, but still at the core is something other than God.

It’s what you think about when you wake up in the morning. It’s what you spend money on. It’s what you go into debt over. It’s what you keep secret from people. It’s what you feel ashamed about. It’s what you determine to never do again and then you find yourself there again in two days. It’s what you sacrifice friendships, children, even your core values for. That’s your god.

I’ve been on this journey of recovery for 30 years. And I have two adult children who are now in their late 30s, who also have struggled profoundly with addiction. Most people who struggle with addiction and can be honest about it know that this is a subject that cannot just be dealt with through half measures.

John: You mentioned that addiction is a gift. Do you want to say more about that?

Sharon: A lot of people resist that, and I certainly understand why, because initially it feels like a gift that will cut your hands and make them bleed. Yet it’s through recovery that I get to live in the truth. Truth is where God’s presence abides. If I do not live in the truth, I will not stay sober. That means if I lie about my income taxes or I forget to tell the grocery store teller that there’s actually something in the bottom of my basket that I didn’t pay for, then I’m not in recovery. The consequences for me are life and death.

John: Wow. Okay, let me ask you this. What would you write differently, since the book’s been out there for 17 years, in light of your experiences?

Sharon: I don’t think I would write anything different. I think I would emphasize two things and spend a little more time on them. The first is that no one really changes in a spectacular manner. Change is seldom spectacular.

The other thing is, apart from Christ’s life within you, you cannot know recovery. Can you get sober? Yes. Can you stop a destructive behavior? Absolutely. But for that change to affect every nook and cranny of your life, there’s only one person who loves you enough for it to stick.

John: I find my heart encouraged as I’m listening to you. Maybe that’s the way truth works. It has teeth, but it has comfort that comes along with it. You combine those really well. Love your heart. Love your story. Thank you for coming on.

Sharon: Thank you for having me!

Recommended Resource:

The Last Addiction: Own Your Desire, Live Beyond Recovery, Find Lasting Freedom by Sharon Hersh

We hope you have enjoyed this series on addiction! Stay tuned for a NEW SERIES starting January 14th called How to Handle Life where we will tackle the most common issues we see in our counseling practice: panic attacks, unanswered prayer, stress, estrangement, forgiveness, singleness, narcissism and much more!