In this episode, Lynn and John continue our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, by exploring the ninth commandment: “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” Drawing from passages like James 3, Matthew 12, and Proverbs 18, they discuss how words can bring either life or destruction. They explain the connection between truth and God’s character, showing how honest speech reflects the God who cannot lie.

The conversation gets practical as they walk through specific ways falsehood damages relationships and communities. From slander and gossip to flattery, half-truths, broken promises, and false assurances, Lynn and John examine how easily dishonesty can disguise itself in everyday life.

They also offer steps for slowing down before speaking, developing discernment in a culture full of deception, and recognizing the lasting impact that words have on others. Most importantly, they point listeners back to the hope of the gospel: Jesus perfectly fulfilled what we never could and invites us to live in the freedom of his truth.

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Highlights from this Episode

We’re going through the Ten Commandments and calling them 10 Keys to the Universe, because there’s a lot of life and goodness to be had from the commands. Going through these commands can feel daunting, overwhelming, even crushing. The deeper we get into them, the more we realize we don’t live up to them. But Jesus lived up to them perfectly, and the beauty of the gospel is that he says, “I’ll give you my resume as if you performed all of these things perfectly.”

Most people hear the word “command” and immediately think something negative. There is a negative side to them because we do things that hurt us, and God is saying, “No, stop hurting yourself.” But there’s also a positive side. Today we’re tackling the ninth commandment, which is about telling the truth and not lying. Tim Keller said, “God creates things with words.” So this command is all about words.

God says, “Let there be light,” and there’s light. “Let there be vegetation,” and there’s vegetation. But he couldn’t just snap his fingers and say, “Let there be forgiveness.” He worked through centuries of redemptive history to bring about forgiveness through Jesus because he wanted to be with us. God didn’t look at humanity and say, “You’ve dropped the ball. You’re not good enough for me.” He said, “I’m going to be good enough for you because I want to be with you.”

All of the other commandments can be broken with words. You can dishonor your parents with words. You can commit adultery with words. You can murder with words. You can steal with words. But when it comes to commandment number nine, it’s different because it’s entirely about words. It pushes us into the world of what the Bible calls ‘the tongue’.

The Power of the Tongue

Let’s start by looking at why our words matter. James 3 gives a detailed description of how destructive our words can be. James says, “The tongue is a fire, the very world of unrighteousness.” Fire burns and defiles the whole body. It “sets on fire the course of our life and is set on fire by hell.” Fire is a symbol of total destruction, and James is saying this is incredibly dangerous.

He continues, “No one among mankind can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil full of deadly poison.” Then he says, “With it, we bless our Lord and Father, and with it, we curse people who have been made in the likeness of God.” When we use our tongues in ways that hurt people, it’s wrong because of who they are. Human beings are made in the likeness of God. We are image-bearers.

We don’t tell the truth simply because it’s an assignment from God, like homework from an eighth-grade algebra teacher. We don’t tame our tongues merely because it’s good manners or because our parents said, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.” The command exists because people are eternally valuable to God. We are not rocks or turtles. If we hurt our neighbor with our words, God connects it to assaulting his own character.

Jesus reinforces this in Matthew 12. “The mouth speaks from that which fills the heart. The good person brings out of his good treasure good things, and the evil person brings out of his evil treasure evil things.” Then comes the sobering part: “I tell you that for every careless word that people speak, they will give an account of it on the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Speaking Life or Destruction

Proverbs 18 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Those passages together show how much importance the Bible places on our words. One of the biggest lies we learned early in life was, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The biblical version sounds more like this: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will ravage, disorient, and permanently scar my soul.”

The actual command says, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” When we bear false witness against someone, we take something away from them that is deeply valuable. At its heart, the ninth commandment is about protecting people: protecting their reputations, their safety, and their standing in the community. Our words are supposed to reflect truth because God’s nature is truth.

When we use our words truthfully, we mirror God’s light, life, and character. Truth is grounded outside of us in a real person: God himself. He loves people and does not want to destroy them with untruthful words. When someone asks, “Who told you that?” the Christian answer is ultimately, “God said so.” God cannot lie. He made the world and ordered it around truth.

Why Truth Matters to God

That raises the question: If God is truth, where did lying come from? The Bible says Satan is the father of lies. Lying is the exact opposite of God’s nature. Jesus’ claims about truth force a decision. You can’t simply say he was a good teacher. Either he was completely wrong, or he really was who he said he was.

With the trends of society and technology, we’re losing our ability to distinguish truth from lies. We’re exposed to misinformation, spin, and curated realities constantly. Sometimes we see a picture online and instantly assume it’s real because our instincts are being trained away from discernment.

Why do we lie in the first place? Often it’s because we fear punishment, shame, or embarrassment. Another reason is overpowering desires. We want to be popular, successful, and admired. In families and organizations, people spin narratives to protect their position and maintain the upper hand. Sometimes we lie simply to get our needs met because we don’t trust God to come through for us if we’re honest.

At some level, all these reasons for lying are about not believing God. We don’t trust that he can be with us, help us, and sustain us if we tell the truth.

With that in mind, we’d like to share different ways of lying that you may not have considered.

The Many Faces of Falsehood

1. Perjury

Perjury is the courtroom application of the ninth commandment. It’s testifying falsely under oath. This is especially serious because you are invoking God’s name as the guarantor of your truthfulness. So when you swear falsely by God, you’re also taking his name in vain, connecting the ninth commandment directly to the third.

When someone says, “So help me God,” and then lies, they are using God as a prop for deception. They are attaching God’s authority to falsehood. Truthfulness matters profoundly wherever justice and testimony are involved.

2. Slander

Leviticus 19:16 says, “You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people.” Slander means making false or misleading statements about someone that damage their reputation. God says this matters because it hurts people made in his image.

This isn’t just a social mistake or rude behavior. It’s a moral requirement rooted in loving your neighbor. If you make false statements that cause someone to lose their job, marriage, reputation, or standing in the community, you have committed a profound injustice.

3. Gossip

Gossip is different from legitimately sharing information. The issue is not merely talking about other people. Otherwise, no one could ever report a crime or warn someone about danger. Gossip is the careless, irresponsible circulation of damaging information without proper verification or legitimate purpose.

Gossip often masquerades as concern. “I’m only telling you so you can pray for Brother Jim.” But the real motivation is the social currency from being the insider with the information. Modern slang softens it. “I’ve got some tea” sounds lighter than “Let’s gossip.” But changing the wording doesn’t change the reality. God says gossip damages people.

4. Flattery

Flattery surprises people because it sounds positive. But flattery is insincere praise used to manipulate someone. It’s a form of false witness because you’re representing someone to themselves as better than they are, or pretending your relationship is warmer than it actually is in order to gain something.

This happens constantly in employer-employee relationships, social settings, and friendships. You exaggerate praise to motivate, influence, or gain favor: “You’re the best at this I’ve ever seen.” No, they’re not. The praise is functioning as manipulation rather than truth. The ninth commandment requires integrity rather than manipulation.

5. Exaggeration and Half-Truths

You can deceive someone while speaking technically true statements. You omit crucial information, emphasize selected facts, or frame things to create a misleading impression. It’s the lawyer’s trick of constructing a narrative from selected facts and the politician’s art of saying something technically accurate but functionally misleading.

The spirit of the ninth commandment demands more than technical accuracy. It demands the intent to produce true understanding in the listener. Half-truths distort reality even if individual pieces are factually correct.

6. False Assurance

Jeremiah condemns false prophets who say, “Peace, peace,” when there is no peace. False assurance happens when someone avoids difficult truth for the sake of comfort or convenience. It’s the doctor who says, “Everything’s going to be fine,” simply to avoid a hard conversation. It’s the friend who tells someone they’re doing spiritually great when they’re actually in danger.

The ninth commandment means we are obligated not only to avoid falsehood but also to speak necessary truth, even when it costs us. That does not mean dropping “truth bombs” on people carelessly. Truth without love becomes cruelty.

7. Broken Promises

The commandment also includes vows and commitments. Words about the future matter. Marriage vows are a powerful example. Saying “I do” shapes an entire life because promises create expectations about future faithfulness.

When you break promises carelessly or deceptively, you’ve lied about the future. Keeping your word, even when it costs you, is an expression of the integrity required by the ninth commandment. We all want to live in a world where people speak truthfully and can be trusted.

The Healing Power of Words

The positive side of this commandment is truthful testimony and sincere communication. We interpret people charitably and honestly. Ephesians 4 tells us to “speak the truth in love.” Truth and love belong together. It’s not permission to unload harsh criticism onto people.

People misuse “speak the truth in love” as an excuse to say harsh things however they want because they think, “I’m just telling the truth.” But biblical truth-telling is shaped by humility, love, timing, and care for the other person.

Sometimes you do need to say something hard. Other times, you need to notice the good in people and praise them sincerely. Proper praise builds people up instead of manipulating them, and reflects God’s character.

We have three practical takeaways to consider:

1. Audit your words before they leave your mouth.

Pausing is good. It’s okay to tell someone, “Let me think about that.” We often feel pressured to respond immediately, but wisdom slows down. Thoughtful pauses prevent tremendous damage.

2. Develop the ability to tell truth from lies.

We live in a culture working overtime to blur the lines between truth and falsehood. We need to stay anchored in God’s Word and rely on the Holy Spirit, who guides us into all truth. We need discernment to navigate a world full of deception.

3. Take seriously what you say about other people.

Your words have weight. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Your words shape how you see the world, how you see yourself, and how others are treated. They affect opportunities, relationships, reputations, and even the condition of the soul.

Self-talk matters too. Speaking lies about ourselves can create incredible soul tears and damage. Dallas Willard famously began his mornings by saying, “There is no condemnation for me because I am in Christ Jesus. I am his beloved son.” Truthful words directed toward ourselves matter deeply.

If those kinds of truthful, grace-filled words are shaping your own soul, that’s what will eventually overflow onto other people. You’ll become someone who can speak life instead of death because your speech is being formed by the God who is truth.

Recommended Resource

The Doctrine of the Christian Life by John Frame

In this layered episode of our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Austin and special guest Kaelyn Mislan unpack the complex meaning behind the eighth commandment: “You shall not steal.” They share the reasons why stealing is wrong: because God commands against it, because it violates personal ownership, and because it disrupts the well-being of others. They also discuss how stealing reflects a failure to trust God’s generous character and reveals a mindset that places personal desires above the needs of others.

They explore practical ways this command applies today, from honoring other people’s property and work to avoiding “time stealing,” providing fair compensation, and being generous with others as God has been generous with you. At its core, the command calls believers not merely to avoid theft, but to become people marked by honesty and generosity.

If you’ve ever wrestled with comparison, entitlement, anxiety about provision, or the temptation to justify questionable choices, this episode offers both conviction and hope. Listen to this thoughtful conversation on the eighth commandment and discover how God’s design leads not to restriction, but to freedom, trust, and contentment.

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Highlights from this Episode

Austin: Welcome to WYITW. We are nearing the end of our 10 Keys to the Universe series, where we examine each of the Ten Commandments and learn how each one is a compass to help us navigate the wilderness of life when we’re stuck or confused or lost. Today we have arrived at the very short and sweet 8th commandment: “You shall not steal.”

Like many of these commandments, there is more than meets the eye to this one. And to help me unpack this I have brought someone I’ve known for over a decade, first as a college student and now as a co-worker at The Crossing, as Operations Director, and recent seminary graduate: Kaelyn Mislan!

Kaelyn: Thank you for having me!

Austin: I first knew you as a college student involved with The Crossing’s college ministry Veritas - you were the drummer! But what struck me is your love of people (especially people different from you) and your love of learning - you asked really good and thoughtful questions, which explains why you decided to pursue a seminary degree through Covenant. Our discussion today will be better for having you here.

Let’s define what stealing is so we can all be on the same page. I like how Old Testament scholar Douglas Stuart explains it in his Exodus commentary: “Stealing is taking something that does not belong to you without permission.” Short and sweet and clear—just like the commandment! But simple commandments are sneaky because we can be tricked into confidently thinking we keep them.

Kaelyn, let me put you on the spot for a second—have you ever stolen anything? Or if you can’t think of it, are you willing to throw someone else under the bus and talk about a time you saw someone else stealing?

Kaelyn: Part of my job is security stuff at the church, and we had a legit instance of thievery a few months ago. Also, when I started dating husband he was the type of guy that put soda in a water cup! What about you? Have you stolen anything?

Austin: I have two stealing stories: one where I’m the dummy and one where I’m the hero. When I was in 7th grade, I stole my best friend’s baseball card. And then I came to school THE NEXT DAY claiming that I found the exact same card in a pack. So dumb! But I was a hero when I caught a shoplifter at a clothing store where I worked. She was trying to make her way out of the store with about 80 items of clothing. I think all of us probably have each kind of story in our background.

To start, let’s take a look at 3 reasons why stealing is wrong.

First, stealing is wrong “because God says so” and that could actually be all the reason we need. He’s our Father who created all things, set up life in his way, and designed the rules. We need to be careful not to “put God in the dock” as C.S. Lewis says. In other words, be careful not to put God on trial as if he needs to justify himself. Nope. If he says it, it stands.

Second, stealing is wrong because it violates a person’s right to ownership. Douglas Stuart also pointed out how “legal possession and personal ownership of things are permitted implicitly by this commandment.” If Israel was a completely communal society with no rights to personal property or ownership, stealing wouldn’t be a command because no one person could claim “this is mine.” But the fact that God says “don’t steal” assumes that a person can claim a right to something.

Kaelyn: This command has no direct object, so we shouldn’t be stealing anything - which makes us think past the obvious forms of stealing and into more subtle, less obvious forms.

Austin: That’s a great point that we will explore in a bit.

Third, stealing is wrong because it threatens the social order and potentially causes others to be in pain, to be at risk, or to not have access to necessities. In the immediate context Israel is living an agrarian lifestyle. Not a lot of grocery stores around! So, if someone steals food, others will go hungry. If someone steals an animal, it compromises food and sacrifices. Stealing clothing means others will be cold or exposed.

Kaelyn, any other thoughts on this point, or other things come to mind as to why stealing is wrong?

Kaelyn: It violates God’s character. In fact, laws tell us something about the lawgiver and their values and character. God is the giver of life and all good things. He is generous and provides for even the birds and the flowers.

Austin: In the same way but reversed, when a person steals it reveals where their mind and heart are at, which is a problem. When someone steals, perhaps even for understandable and benevolent reasons, they are placing their personal needs over and above others’ needs.

Their personal rationale and logic is placed at the center of the universe; this justification of motives leads to a “It’ll be fine” mentality. If someone says, “I know stealing is wrong but…” That’s a big, problematic but!

Is It Stealing? – Lightning Round!

Now that we’ve covered some of the obvious points, let’s get to examples of stealing. Time for the lightning round! Let’s go one at a time. Hit me with the first one!

Q: The game has already started, and you move down to empty seats near the field. Is that stealing?
A: Probably not. The seats have already been purchased, enough time has passed to assume the ticket holders are not coming, and you already paid for admission. The important caveat is that if the original ticket holders arrive, you move immediately.

Q: You find a $20 bill on the ground outside a gas station and keep it. Is that stealing?
A: The wisest response is to turn it in to the employee working there in case someone comes back looking for it. Ethically, the money clearly belongs to someone, even if the owner is unknown.

Q: You take extra Chick-fil-A sauce packets beyond the limit listed in the app. Is that stealing?
A: It depends on the scale. Taking one or two extra packets probably falls into a gray area. Taking a large amount knowingly exceeds what the restaurant intended to provide and begins to look more like taking resources that were not offered to you.

Q: A struggling mother waits behind a restaurant dumpster for discarded leftovers to feed her family. Is that stealing?
A: Probably not. Once the restaurant throws the food away, they are relinquishing ownership of it. Even though the dumpster is still on their property, the food itself has been discarded.

Q: You order something online, it never arrives, so you get a refund. Then the item eventually shows up. Is keeping both the refund and the item stealing?
A: In most cases, yes. You now possess both the product and the refunded money, meaning the company absorbed the loss twice. Even if the mistake was theirs, knowingly keeping both crosses into dishonest territory.

Q: You work a salaried remote job and spend an hour talking to a friend during work hours. Is that stealing company time?
A: Not necessarily. Salaried work is often based more on completing responsibilities than tracking exact minutes. The key question is whether both employer and employee understand and agree to the expectations. The answer is clearer if you are being paid hourly.

Q: You don’t pay a parking meter because you think you can get away with it. Is that stealing?
A: Yes. Cities budget around expected meter revenue and intentionally avoiding payment takes resources away from services funded by those fees. The effect feels indirect, but if everyone adopted that mindset, the system would break down quickly.

Austin: We’ve talked about what not to do. Now let’s talk about what we should do. These are the things we should strive for, but there are also ways we can fertilize the soil and roots that will help contribute to healthier growth. We’re going to share 4 truths with you: 2 about God and 2 that provide guidance.

2 Truths About God

Truth #1: God is our Father who will provide for us. In Matthew 6:25, 30-32, Jesus tells his followers not to be anxious about what they will wear and what they will eat. This is important insight because anxiety precedes the act of stealing, and it shows that behind the mindset that says “I have to steal” is a lack of trust.

Jesus then gives the rationale as to why his followers don’t need to be anxious in verse 30, “Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

Truth #2: God himself is more satisfying than anything we could acquire for ourselves. In Deuteronomy 8:4, it says, “Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”

2 Truths that Give Guidance

Truth #1: Honoring Personal Ownership. We are stewards. We have been given so many things by God, and he calls us to take care of them. Don’t steal someone’s intellectual property and claim it as your own. Give credit where credit is due.

Truth #2: Honoring fair and just payment/reward for work and services offered. No demanding something that you haven’t earned or is unreasonable to ask for. No taking advantage of fair and just payments given to you without putting in the work (time stealing). 1 Timothy 5:18 says, “The laborer deserves his wages.”

This goes the opposite way too—don’t short-change your workers! You’re “stealing” from them in this sense. The full extent and spirit of the law is to be overly generous because God is generous with you.

Austin: There may be times when you need something that you don’t have, and you find yourself tempted to cut corners or to steal. Ask God to show you and convict you of these impulses. And ask, “Where and how can I rely on God?” Ask others for help, especially in the body of Christ. Galatians 6:1 says, “Bear one another’s burdens.”

Kaelyn: You can also ask yourself, where do I have abundance? Where am I overflowing with resources, whether that’s financially, relationally, with my time, effort, or skills? Where and how can I be generous and connect with people in need?

Austin: That’s so good. At the end of the day, the 8th commandment isn’t just about what you take or don’t take, it’s about who you trust. The good news of Scripture is that God is not stingy or forgetful. He is a good father who knows what you need, sees what you lack, and calls you into a full life through Jesus.

So as you step out of this conversation, maybe the question isn’t just, “Am I taking what isn’t mine?” but also, “Where am I failing to trust the one who has already given me everything I truly need?”

Thank you so much for joining us today, Kaelyn! We really appreciate it!

But you might not know that The Crossing has multiple podcasts that cover a wide range of topics:

Not Just Sunday - Pastors Patrick Miller and Keith Simon share practical steps for living a full-time Christian life

10 Minute Bible Talks - Learn how to apply a Bible verse in the time it takes to get to work or buy a cup of coffee

Going There - Vulnerable conversations for women about how to trade the messages of culture for truth

Christian Meditation for A Bigger Life - Experience God’s presence through biblically guided imagination

With new episodes dropping every week, it can be tough to know which ones are most worth your time. That’s where we want to help.

The Crossing Weekly Listen is a brand-new email you’ll receive every Monday featuring the week’s most meaningful episodes from across all of our podcasts. You’ll get quick summaries, episode links and recommended resources to encourage your faith throughout the week.

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Because in a world full of noise, finding thoughtful, faith-filled content shouldn’t feel overwhelming.

In this honest episode of our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Ryan and Kelley Wampler join Austin to talk about the devastating effects of infidelity, sharing personal stories of how adultery impacted their own families and shaped the way they view trust, marriage, and faithfulness. Together, they unpack God’s original design for relationships and why intimacy was always meant to flourish within safety, commitment, and covenant love.

The conversation also moves beyond the narrow definition of adultery as only physical affairs. From emotional attachment and flirtation to pornography and secret online interactions, there are subtle ways our hearts can drift away from faithfulness. Along the way, the hosts discuss the role of temptation, the danger of secrecy, and why honesty and accountability matter so much when attraction begins to grow in unhealthy directions.

Most importantly, this episode offers hope. Whether you’ve been betrayed, made mistakes yourself, or fear repeating patterns you’ve seen in your family, failure is not the end of the story. Through confession, repentance, wisdom, and the grace of Jesus, healing and restoration are always possible, even in relationships marked by deep hurt and broken trust.

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Highlights from this Interview

Austin: Today my special guests are Ryan and Kelley Wampler. They co-lead the small groups ministry here at The Crossing, which is the church we’re based out of in Columbia, Missouri. Ryan and Kelley, hello and welcome.

Ryan: Thanks for having us, Austin. Both Kelley and I work with small groups here at The Crossing. It’s been a privilege to be a part of The Crossing for 24 years out of the 25 years it’s been in existence. There are so many people, so many stories, and so many changed lives that it’s been a blessing to be a part of over the years.

Austin: So glad to have you here. In our 10 Keys to the Universe series thus far, we’ve covered the first six commandments. Today we are at number seven: You shall not commit adultery. This can be a painful subject for many people. If you’ve been betrayed in marriage, then you know the damage it can inflict—not just on you, but on kids, extended family, friends, and more. Maybe you’re angry, hurt, and confused because this happened to you.

On the flip side, if you’ve committed adultery, you might feel guilty and ashamed for what you’ve done. If so, that’s godly shame as the result of your actions, but you might also feel frustrated that nobody’s going to let you forget about the harm that you caused, even if you have demonstrated genuine repentance.

You might come from a family where this happened. I haven’t shared much about my own story before, but my dad had an affair. He was repentant and we’ve been able to work through it as a family. But it had a devastating impact. Kelley and Ryan, what has your own experience been? When and how have you been affected by infidelity?

Kelley: It’s affected my family too. When I was in third grade, my parents got divorced because my dad had an affair. It was a really messy situation that was riddled with dysfunction. For many years, I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married because I didn’t want to possibly go through something so painful again. Since I didn’t see a model of faithfulness, it made me wonder if having a loving and committed marriage was even possible. The good news is that it is.

Ryan: When people have committed adultery, they are often branded and stigmatized. There’s a sense in which even discussing it is taboo. It keeps people from really being honest with it because it feels so dark and ugly and never something you want to be true of you, that you just have a tough time being honest and maybe getting help when you need it.

Austin: I love how you talked about being honest and getting help, and we’ll get to that a little bit later, but that’s really well said. We want to talk about it today because God gave this command for a reason. When we understand why and prioritize it, then our lives can flourish and bring goodness to those around us.

First, we’re going to talk about God’s original design for relationships, and then we’re going to see where and how things went wrong. Second, we’re going to discuss and define adultery. Next, we’ll talk about the specific ways that adultery or even attraction to someone else other than your spouse might happen to you.

If you’re single, this episode is still for you because one day you might be in a relationship or maybe you are single because you were cheated on in the past, and as you look for another relationship, you have real fears. So this isn’t just for people who are married.

Last, we’re going to end with some tangible ways that you can obey and live out this commandment with faithfulness and integrity. Kelley, tell us just a little bit about God’s design for relationships, and where and how things went wrong.

Kelley: When I think about a good theology of relationships and sex, where did it come from? Where did these ideas originate? When we look back at the very beginning of the Bible and the book of Genesis, we see God creating man and woman to be in this intimate and loving and committed and purposeful relationship.

God said, “It’s not good for man to be alone,” and he created them to have intimacy together in profound and satisfying ways. The other thing we see is Adam and Eve being naked and unashamed, meaning they knew the deepest parts of each other and felt accepted and valued and known. They were told to become one flesh and be fruitful and multiply.

Austin: I love how you said that. They long for intimacy, not just sexual, but emotional and relational intimacy as well. I’m really in awe because this good gift that God wants to give us of this deep and vibrant intimacy with our spouse, is one of life’s greatest joys. God knew that it takes safety and trust and faithfulness for that intimacy to be cultivated, which is why in his kindness, he gives us the commandment we’re talking about today.

Ryan: The serpent tells Eve that if she eats from the tree, that she will have the knowledge of good and evil and that she will see like God sees. Eve saw that the fruit was good. So for the first time in the story, we see discontentment. She’s no longer content with what she’s been given but takes something she wasn’t meant to take. She went outside of the relationship with God and the parameters he gave her.

Kelley: Sin is always seeking to distort the good things that God has given. You need to ask yourself, what’s the original good thing that God gave me, and what desire am I chasing after? Is it what God intends for me to have?

Austin: That brings us to the 7^th commandment, “You shall not commit adultery”. Adultery is a powerful, serious word. Maybe when you hear it, it feels irrelevant, because you haven’t had sex with anyone besides your spouse. But as you can tell from the title of the episode, we want to address the broader issue of attraction. What are some subtle forms of adultery or attraction that are unhealthy?

Kelley: As with most of the commandments, in the New Testament, Jesus ups the game. He doesn’t confine it to physical infidelity. He’s looking at your heart, not just your behavior. In Matthew 5, he says, if you lust after a woman in your heart, you’ve committed adultery. At its core, adultery isn’t just about behavior, but it’s about a misdirected desire or a broken trust.

The easy access to porn that is found in the digital space breaks my heart. It’s an epidemic that has literally shifted the landscape of sexuality in a way I’ve never seen in my time. It’s more than that: it’s sexting or exchanging explicit photos, fantasy relationships, Only Fans, even just flirting and exchanging DMs or using apps that you wouldn’t want your spouse to see.

Women have to watch out for emotional attraction, that feeling of excitement or longing or an emotional dependence on another person. For men and women, you can start to have a spark with somebody else. When you feel that way, the temptation can be to hide it. You start to tell feel like your spouse doesn’t “get you” and this other person does.

Austin: Adultery exists on a spectrum; the relational impact can look very different depending on the situation. For example, briefly developing emotional closeness with a coworker is not the same as carrying on a years-long affair, even though both cross boundaries. Also, cultural attitudes can change. Sometimes adultery has been seen as extremely shameful. Other times it’s considered to be not a big deal. This is even more reason why we need to turn to the Bible for our standards of marriage and faithfulness.

Kelley: I worked in a sales environment early in our marriage and was surprised by how married coworkers flirted openly, removed wedding rings at conferences, and made inappropriate plans together. During that season, what started as friendly conversation turned into attraction to a coworker. Right before going to dinner alone with him at a conference, I felt a powerful “Holy Spirit moment” warning me not to go through with it.

After that experience, I reached out to trusted friends for accountability and intentionally turned my attention back toward investing in her marriage. Later, Ryan and I were able to talk honestly about what had happened and process the hurt it created. I wouldn’t have thought I could ever be in that situation. It was a huge wake-up call, and a reminder that my heart is sick above all else and I need to tend to it.

Ryan: Over our 20 years of ministry, there are the people that I know that have allowed themselves to be attracted to people online, or developed porn addictions that led to hookups with random people in town and destroyed marriages. I’ve seen pastors and small group leaders at other churches who have succumbed. You can’t control when the spark happens, but you choose how you respond to it. You’re either going to keep it going, or put it out.

Austin: One of my seminary professors said, “Affairs are never about sex.” At first I didn’t even know what he meant. But his point was that attraction is usually a gradual process that happens in subtle ways. And it’s usually about being seen and feeling validated.

It’s important to understand how the ‘adultery train’ starts to pick up speed. It begins with whatever is happening or not happening in the marriage—criticism, resentment, disconnection, lack of effort put into the relationship. Then when the spark happens, if you’re not paying attention, you can start to think about the other person more than you think about your spouse, or compare your spouse to them unfavorably.

Ryan: Every marriage will experience discontentment in some degree or another. The honeymoon phase will end. You will be discontent. And that is not a sign that you need to leave.

Austin: Well said. And then the question is, “What do I do next?” Here are four practical ways to pump the brakes on the ‘adultery train’ once it’s left the station:

1. Be honest with yourself. Admit you’re attracted to someone else. Once you admit it, you realize it’s a big deal. You’re bringing it into the light. Admitting is always the first step to freedom.

2. Confess your sin. Psalm 51 is David’s lament and confession after he coerced Bathsheba into sleeping with him and had her husband killed. He says to God, “Against you and you alone have I sinned.” Yes, he had sinned against Bathsheba and her husband, but ultimately he sinned against God. So confess to God and then confess to your spouse.

3. Cut off communication with the other person. You have to break it off. It can be difficult to do this. Let your spouse take the lead and do what makes them comfortable. You may think you don’t need to do this, but unless you do, you’ll be re-ensnared.

4. Create new habits in your marriage. Maybe you’ll go on a walk every day. Or go for coffee once a week. Talk about emotional intimacy together. Ask your spouse, “How are you really doing? What’s really going on? How can I meet your needs? Can I share my needs?” Cultivating emotional intimacy can really be helpful in preventing affairs or repairing hurts. We list resources at the end that can help with this.

Ryan: The woman at the well in John 4 has had several husbands and she’s living with somebody who’s not her husband right now. Jesus knew what she had done, and yet he still treated her with respect and dignity and said that there’s hope for her to find living water. Whatever choices you’ve made, God knows, and he’s not shocked by it.

Austin: Getting off the adultery train might hurt. It might blow up the current living situation. It might make things more painful. You might have to confess things that are going to send a spouse spiraling. And those are painful. In the long run, you’ve come clean. You’ve got a freer conscience. When you trust in Jesus, he’s not going to let you go. He’s got you right now. And he offers forgiveness.

Ryan and Kelley, your perspective and wisdom is such a gift. Ryan, would you pray for us as we close?

Ryan: Heavenly Father, thank you for creating us as relational beings with the ability to connect with others. Thank you for your wonderful commands. We confess all the ways that we try to connect with people that are against your wisdom and guidelines. Thank you for being willing to forgive us. Wake us up in the early stages of temptation and help us to turn back to contentment, to faithfulness, and trust in you. We pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Recommended Resources

The Trauma of Betrayal & Infidelity - WYITW podcast episode with the Raabsmiths

How Did I Get Addicted to Porn? - WYITW podcast episode

How We Love - Discover your love style & end your repetitive fight forever

Building True Intimacy - book by Dan Drake & the Raabsmiths

Making Marriage Work - WYITW podcast series

Making Marriage Work Small Group Study - a free download you can use to give your marriage a gentle tune-up

But in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus exposes how relevant it is to each one of us. As soon as he starts talking about anger, contempt, and the hidden conditions of the heart, we’re all on the hook for breaking it.

As we continue our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Austin and John explore why human life is so sacred and why this commandment matters far beyond physical violence. They explain why God gave this commandment, the obvious and non-obvious ways it can be broken, and what Jesus means when he links anger and contempt to murder itself.

They’ll also step into several difficult and emotionally charged topics, including military service, suicide, and abortion. Rather than offering simplistic answers, they thoughtfully engage the real-life complexity, pain, and ethical questions surrounding each one.

Most importantly, this conversation is ultimately about the condition of the human heart—and the grace of Jesus that meets us there. Whether you feel burdened by guilt or tempted to dismiss this commandment altogether, our hope is that this episode moves you toward greater awareness and compassion.

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Highlights from this Episode

Have you ever heard of a time when something of great value was thought to be almost worthless? In 2005, art dealers came across what they assumed was a remake of Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece Salvatore Mundi. They bought it for $10,000. But as they examined it later, they realized that it was a legitimate original. Five years later, it ended up being sold for $450 million.

In the same way, the 6^th commandment is deceptively simple. It doesn’t seem complicated. There’s a temptation to read it and think that you understand it—and that you’re not guilty of breaking it. If you assume that, you’ve missed it.

Jesus explains why that’s the case in the Sermon on the Mount, in the New Testament book of Matthew 5:21, when he says, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, you shall not murder, and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.” He’s referencing the 6th commandment here.

Then he continues, “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment. Whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council. Whoever says, you fool, you’ll be liable to the hell of fire.” Jesus took this idea to the deepest place it could go—our inner hearts.

Murder is the end of a terrible process of the cancerous growth of sin. Most of us have never physically murdered anyone. But guess what’s right alongside that? The often sinful desires of our hearts. The pastor and seminary professor Dan Doriani puts it this way: “Jesus probes the depths of our affinity for this law by exploring the pre-murderous dispositions that lie behind the act.”

Why Every Life Matters to God

An important basic principle is that human life is sacred. In Genesis 9, right after the flood, Noah and his family are looking around like, now what? And God comes right out of the gate saying, “You shall not shed any man’s blood.” He doubles down on his valuing of life in Genesis 1 and 2.

So human life is sacred, but why? First, it’s priceless. If somebody gives a diamond ring to their wife, and the wife dies, and another person offers to buy that diamond ring, it would be unlikely for someone to sell it at any price; it’s priceless, because of who and what it represents. Each person is created individually by God and is unique and irreplaceable.

Second, humans are of infinite value because we’re made in God’s image. Every human being that comes into your life was created by God and has a divine imprint. No human being is your property. If you harm another person, it’s as if you’re tearing up a beautiful painting that bears the image of God.

How Sin Distorts the Way We See People

Why does God give the command to not murder? Sadly, sin blinds us to the truth that every person is made in God’s image. The very first story in the Bible after the fall is Cain and Abel. One brother kills another. The philosopher-theologian, John Frame, says that the one word that sums up the fall is death. And what comes right after the fall? Death.

How do you know if you break this command? We can’t come up with every actual and potential way to break the 6th commandment, but we’re going to get into a few specifics that are relevant for Christians today. We’ll divide them into two categories: obvious and non-obvious ways to break this command.

There’s an important distinction that helps bring clarity as we discuss this commandment: the distinction between intent and impact. Intent is the conscious motive and action we’re aware of. Impact is the corresponding result of those actions in the world around us.

Impact always matters. You can be held accountable for something you did not intend to do. Think about a car crash caused by looking at your phone while driving. You didn’t intend to kill someone, but someone still died. The impact is real.

The Destructive Power of Anger

The obvious ways include actual murder, whether premeditated or done in the heat of the moment. Attempted murder also breaks the commandment because the intent was there even if the act wasn’t completed.

In addition to physical harm, Jesus also makes a connection between murder and unrestrained anger. He says anybody who is angry with his brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Why is there a connection between murder and anger? Because harboring bitterness and contempt leads to a desire for revenge and punishment.

If you’re someone with a very sensitive conscience, our goal is not to crush you under guilt. But if you’re someone who leans too heavily on grace and minimizes sin, this is the moment to listen carefully. Grace is not permission to dismiss wrongdoing.

Beyond Intentional Violence

Here are some less-than-obvious ways you might break the 6th commandment:

Distraction. If you look at your phone while driving and someone dies as a result, that qualifies as murder. Another example might be negligence in a job with serious responsibility. Think about an air traffic controller. If you’re distracted and planes collide, people die.

Negligence. This is knowing what needs to be done and failing to do it out of laziness, apathy, or selfishness. Imagine a business owner who ignores safety codes or refuses to update dangerous equipment. If someone dies because those precautions weren’t taken, responsibility falls on the person who neglected those duties.

Lack of care. Our response to the 6^th commandment includes being concerned about anything that harms human life or prevents flourishing. That’s called the doctrine of carefulness. The goal of the doctrine of carefulness is to protect life to the fullest extent possible—physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.

Exploring Difficult Situations

Have you ever wrestled with a question about the value of life that seems to be too difficult to answer? While we don’t claim to know everything about this issue, here are some thoughts to ponder:

1. Military Service. Can a Christian participate in war? The commandment in Hebrew literally means “no murder.” It does not prohibit all killing. Christian tradition, especially through St. Augustine’s Just War Theory, has wrestled deeply with this question. Augustine proposed three diagnostic questions for determining whether a war is just:

• Just cause. War must be fought to correct a serious injustice or prevent a greater evil. Think about soldiers fighting against the Nazis. History makes it easier to see that extreme evil sometimes requires force to stop it.

• Legitimate authority. A private individual cannot declare war. Augustine argued that war requires proper authority exercised by legitimate leaders.

• Right intention. Even with a just cause and rightful authority, motives matter. Augustine said what’s required is not merely bodily action but inward disposition. War must aim toward good and avoid evil. It cannot be driven by revenge, hatred, or a love of violence.

2. Suicide. Does taking your own life break the 6th commandment? Yes, it does. But where many people struggle is wondering whether someone who committed suicide can still be saved. Because we are created by God, our lives are not ultimately our own. We are accountable for how we treat ourselves.

But Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” That means no condemnation at all for the Christian. Past sins, future sins, and even a last, final sin cannot erase genuine faith and remove salvation.

A Christian who takes their own life does not suddenly fall outside the mercy of Jesus. Many people who die by suicide are not thinking clearly or rationally in those moments. Mental anguish can become overwhelming. Jesus is merciful. He knows our hearts.

If someone is not a Christian, then whether they die by suicide or natural causes, they remain under condemnation apart from Christ. The issue is not the method of death. The issue is saving faith in Jesus.

3. Abortion. This is deeply personal and deeply painful for many people. We don’t want to frame this as choosing between caring for women and caring for babies. Real-life situations are messy and heartbreaking. There are women facing impossible circumstances, tragic medical diagnoses, assault, abandonment, fear, and crushing pressure.

There are many thoughtful women who love Jesus and have had abortions. Maybe you’re listening and nobody knows your story. Maybe shame and guilt follow you constantly. Jesus does not want you crushed under condemnation. All of us carry seeds of anger, selfishness, and destruction. But Jesus’ life and death swallow up murder, failure, and sin. There is no condemnation for those who belong to him.

At the same time, we also need to address protecting unborn life. Tim Keller framed the abortion question has having three options: either the fetus is human, the fetus is not human, or you’re not sure. Using the doctrine of carefulness, if there’s even a possibility that a fetus is a human life, caution matters.

Long before ultrasounds or other technology, the Bible presents life as beginning at conception. Psalm 139 says, “You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.” Jeremiah 1 says, “Before you were born, I consecrated you.”

Current science that shows fetal development, awareness, heartbeat, and movement supports the biblical truth that the fetus is a person with value, dignity, and God’s imprinted image. Anything that harms, weakens, or prevents the baby from growing and developing should be treated with extreme caution.

Share With You in the Weeds

When Awareness Meets Grace

One great step forward you can take is to become more aware. You need to become mindful and careful when it comes to the value of human life, but not to be a perfectionist or to feel moral superiority. Greater awareness without grace only produces anxiety or pride.

For the person with a dull conscience who rarely thinks about how their actions affect others, this commandment is a wake-up call. For the person with an overactive conscience who feels crushed by guilt, remember this image: your heart has both flowers and weeds in it.

One of the reasons we called this podcast “With You in the Weeds” comes from a quote by Teresa of Avila. She wrote about not trying to pull your own weeds by yourself but inviting Jesus into the garden with you. Jesus is not ashamed of you. He enters the weeds with you. He is your rescue.

You may have broken this commandment in obvious or non-obvious ways. But Jesus opens his arms and says, “Give your guilt to me. I’ve already carried that burden at the cross.” Following him is a lifelong journey of receiving that grace again and again.

Recommended Resource

Need support for an unintended pregnancy? Check out My Life Clinic in Columbia, MO.

Few commandments feel as personal as the fifth commandment: “Honor your father and your mother.” For some people, that command feels natural and healthy. For others, it raises difficult questions and painful memories.

In this perceptive episode of our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Lynn and Shay thoughtfully explore the beauty, tension, and wisdom of showing honor to your parents—even when it feels challenging.

They’ll talk about the real meaning of the word ‘honor’; what honoring your parents does and doesn’t mean; the importance of healthy boundaries; and practical ways to show honor to your parents in everyday life.

As you listen to or read about this episode, you’ll understand what it means to honor your parents with truth and grace, and the reason that God rewards people who keep this commandment.

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Highlights from this Episode

The first four commandments deal primarily with our relationship with God. He should be first in our lives. But the last six commandments, beginning with the fifth one that we’re looking at today, deal with loving our neighbor. And loving our neighbor starts with loving our parents!

The relationship we have with our parents is the most important one of our lives. It’s through them that we learn what it is to have someone in authority over us. We learn to listen to people. We learn to do things that we don’t always want to do. We trust that our parents know better how to live life than we do. We learn respect and obedience and hopefully, experience love and protection.

As pastors and therapists, we often hear the question, “How do I honor imperfect parents?” The answer can differ. When you have good parents, it’s going to be relatively easy for you to do because you have warmth, affection, and appreciation in your heart towards them, and you will be willing to honor and dignify them in your adulthood.

But many of our clients are facing situations where their parents abandoned or abused them, were cruel or mean towards them, and even continue to be so in their old age. Parents who, instead of helping you grow, hindered your growth and even wounded you or brought harm and destruction into your life.

If you bristled at the title of this episode, we will address your situation and just what this commandment means for you—and hopefully provide some wisdom as to what honoring an evil or even a wicked parent might look like.

What’s Behind the Fifth Commandment?

In Exodus 20:12, God says, “Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

The fifth commandment is about how we are to treat our parents primarily when they’re older, which is really important for us because we live in a culture that worships youth. God is reminding his people to not forget their elders. But honoring your parents also applies to young people. That’s why the Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 6:1-3, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

The word honor has rich meaning in both Hebrew and Greek. In Hebrew, the root of the word ‘honor’ literally means heavy or weighty. To honor your parents is to treat them as having substance, significance, and worth. The root of the word ‘dishonor’ means the opposite: light or trivial. Based on this definition, dishonoring your parents means refusing to let them take up weight or space in your life.

The root of the word ‘honor’ in Greek carries the sense of valuing or placing a price on something. It’s where we get the idea of esteem. So to honor someone in this context is to ascribe worth to them. Interestingly, it’s the same word used when Scripture says to honor God. It’s a posture of recognizing dignity in another person.

Honoring your parents involves recognizing their dignity, significance, and worth, and treating them respect and esteem. In the words of John Calvin, “Honor requires three things: reverence, obedience, and gratitude.”

What Honoring Your Parents Does and Doesn’t Mean

As a child, you honor them by obeying them. That’s if what your parents ask you to do is not outside God’s will or moral law. When kids obey their parents, what they’re really doing is obeying God, because it’s God who placed their parents over them as their authority.

As a teenager, you want to listen to your parents and come to them with your questions. It might seem like you don’t need them anymore, but actually, you need them more than ever during this time. It’s easy to be swayed by social media, friends, and the world, and your parents can help you make good decisions.

When we honor someone we’re saying that they have significance, which means they are worthy of respect. So honoring our parents is the decision to treat them with dignity. It’s also a decision to give them our long-term loyalty. It also involves speaking to and about them respectfully, and being considerate of their needs, especially in old age.

Honoring them means acknowledging the role that they had in your life for both good and bad. It can be easy to blame them for all of your problems. There’s no doubt that our childhood wounds do shape our lives to a certain extent. But as we grow and mature, we are responsible our own decisions, and we have to be careful not to have bitterness or contempt for our parents.

Honor is not the same thing as trusting. It’s not allowing someone to control or manipulate you, nor is it pretending that harm didn’t happen or ignoring dysfunctional, hurtful patterns in your parents or family. Honor also does not mean close intimacy. You can honor someone from a distance. You can honor someone even while holding to some firm boundaries, like limiting the access that they have to your life and to your heart.

When Honoring Feels Complicated

If your parent has caused you significant pain, but has never apologized or showed signs of growth or change, then to honor them means being honest with them because it is not honoring to lie to your parents, or to placate them or make excuses for their misbehavior.

Sometimes we think honoring a hurtful parent means keeping your feelings to yourself. But honoring them may mean disrupting the dysfunctional patterns in your family. Just as Jesus honored people by speaking truth to them, you may need to honor your parent by speaking truth to them in a way that can lead to repentance.

Speaking the truth to a hurtful parent can go one of two ways. They will either be humbled and want to take responsibility for their behavior and repair the relationship. Or they will be defensive and grow more hardened to you. Talking to them requires wisdom, preparation, and support. We recommend finding a counselor or therapist to talk to about your specific situation. Another great resource is the book Bold Love by Dan Allender.

If you had parents who were or are abusive, you may not be able to speak truth to them. You may need to seek support from others and be able to tell your story to people who love and value you. In this case, the best way to honor your parents may simply be to think of them without anger or hatred.

Regardless of the type of parents you have, healthy boundaries are important to the relationship. In fact, boundaries in relationships are what lead to trust. For example, you can set a boundary that your parents not give you parenting advice unless you ask, and that they not step in and discipline your children. The more difficult and complicated your relationship with your parents is, the stronger your boundaries will need to be.

Honoring Your Parents in Practical Ways

God included ‘honor your parents’ in the Ten Commandments for a reason. He tells us that his favor and his blessing rest upon those who obey this command. If you want to have an abundant life, it starts by obeying the fifth commandment. Practically speaking, what does that look like?

1. Forgive your parents. There are no perfect parents. And no child gets everything they need during childhood. Honoring your parents may start by acknowledging their failures and entering into the process of forgiveness so that bitterness doesn’t take root in your soul.

2. Communicate with them regularly. That means calling them on their birthdays and anniversaries, letting them know that you’re thinking of them. It means including them in events going on in your own life, if possible.

3. Show gratitude. Sometimes you don’t realize how hard they worked or how much they sacrificed until you have children of your own. Make sure you say “Thank you” as often as you can.

4. Care for them. As they get older, you may need to be the person who steps in and helps your parents to make difficult decisions like where to live or how to manage their finances.

5. Respect your parents’ need to see themselves in you. If you’re a parent, you know that you want to feel like you had a hand in your child’s successes. So it’s important to give your own parents credit when you can, even if it’s for something seemingly small.

God’s Grace When You—or They—Fall Short

The truth about the fifth commandment is that we break it over and over. What a relief that God doesn’t accept us on the basis of our performance, but he accepts us on the basis of his son. What makes us beautiful to God is Jesus. He died in our place for our sins. He took the wrath we deserved, and he perfectly obeyed the law on our behalf, including the fifth commandment.

All parents will die someday, both difficult ones and good ones. And when they do, they will stand before God and give an account for how they parented. Jesus gives all of us a very strong warning in Matthew 18 when he says, “It would be better that a millstone be hung around your neck than for anyone to cause one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble.”

Parents who do anything that causes their child to be snared by sin or distorts their child’s capacity to grow up in wholeness are going to face severe judgment. This includes any and all types of abuse. God loves children and gives them to parents as a gift to be lovingly cared for and nurtured.

The other side of that is that someday you will give an account to God, not for what your parents did, but for how you responded to their failures: whether you chose forgiveness or grace; whether you held on to your bitterness and contempt or instead offered dignity, even when it wasn’t deserved.

If you have children of your own, someday you will be under their scrutiny because your kids will see your failures with clear eyes and they will have to decide how to honor you. On that day, you may find yourself desperately hoping that they extend to you the very grace that you struggled to extend to your own parents.

As you strive to adhere to this command, our hope and our prayer is that you experience abundant grace from the Lord to help you honor your imperfect parents.

Recommended Resources

Book: Bold Love by Dan Allender & Tremper Longman

Podcast: Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You by Adam Young

In this convicting episode of our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Lynn and Austin take a closer look at the fourth commandment through the lens of the Old Testament and the light of the New Testament. They’ll explore why rest can be so difficult, the way God’s invitation is less about rest and more about trust, and practical ways you can incorporate a Sabbath mindset in your busy life.

The fourth commandment doesn’t just give permission to rest; it reveals who God is and who we are in relation to him. Long before rest became a luxury, it was a rhythm woven into creation itself, a gift meant to free people from striving and remind them they were never meant to carry life on their own. If slowing down doesn’t feel like an option, this conversation is for you.

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Highlights from this Episode

Today, we are talking about the 4th commandment as stated in Exodus 20:8-11:

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

What is the Sabbath?

Sabbath comes from the Hebrew word Shabbat which literally means “to stop”. It’s a day to stop working, wanting, and worrying. In the original context, this command was given to the people of Israel. And likely it was such a relief in many ways, given that they had been enslaved by the Egyptians for 400 years!

Exodus 1 says, “The Egyptians ruthlessly made the people of Israel work as slaves and made their lives bitter with hard service, in mortar and brick, and in all kinds of work in the field. In all their work they ruthlessly made them work as slaves.” This was difficult, exhausting, and often miserable.

But God rescued them out of their slavery, gave them the Ten Commandments, and reconstituted them as his chosen people in the world to be a mirror to the pagan nations, showing them who God was and encouraging others to follow him. One of the ways they could reflect God was by practicing the regular rhythm of the Sabbath.

By the way—God himself did this! After God created the entirety of the created world out of nothing, he rested. Genesis 2:1 says, “By the 7th day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the 7th day, he rested.”

God didn’t need to rest, but he chose to rest. This choice was to be reflected and practiced by his people, the nation of Israel. Isaiah 40:28 makes clear he does not faint or grow weary. God rested to set a pattern for us to follow, and to remind us that our lives depend not on our work but on his. That’s the theological heart of the whole commandment right there.

You’ve probably tried to rest and ended up overwhelmed by the to-do lists of life: the laundry, get the kids off to this event, remember the Zoom meeting, plan what to bring for dinner for your small group. Maybe you don’t even have the luxury of a day off because you’ve got to work two jobs, or overtime to pay the bills, and you’re scraping by just to make ends meet.

We can often see ourselves in the attitudes and behaviors of the ancient Israelites. Just like us, they knew how important it is to rest. And yet when they tried it, they often felt overwhelmed by the things they felt like they needed to do. They were tempted to forego the regular rhythm of a Sabbath and get work done.

Does the Sabbath Apply Today?

While the command to “Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy,” isn’t repeated explicitly in the New Testament, Jesus frequently rested and encouraged others to do that same.

Think about the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38: “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’”

Most women can relate to Martha. They’re the ones in the kitchen or taking care of the house, seeing all the things that need to be done. However, Jesus responds this way: “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

This story puts two different ways of living and being in the world before us, and forces us to ask ourselves who we are, and what tendencies we default towards:

• Are you like Mary, who is willing to stop what she’s doing, rest at the feet of Jesus, and listen and learn from him?

• Are you like Martha, who has a great desire to serve, and yet is unwilling to rest because responsibilities and tasks need to get done first?

Common Reasons Why We Resist Rest

1. We love efficiency and productivity, partly because of our desires and partly thanks to our environment. In our performance-based culture, action is rewarded. There are financial incentives, but also respect, reputation, and power.

2. We don’t want to be seen as weak or lazy. Whether we say it out loud or not, our value as human beings feels tied to how productive we are on any given day.

3. Fear that things will fall apart if we don’t rest. Many times, our fear drives us to be busy and productive because other people—or even circumstances beyond our control—depend on us.

4. Fear of getting left behind or overlooked. Busyness has become a status symbol that implies you are “scarce and in demand”. This perpetual motion means that slowing down feels like a threat to your self-worth or professional relevance.

5. Not wanting to say ‘no’ to anything or anyone. Sometimes saying ‘no’ feels like you’re letting people down. So we don’t carve out time in our schedules for dedicated rest because we’ve said ‘yes’ to everyone and everything.

6. Slowing down means self-reflection, and that’s scary. Being alone with your thoughts, and no distractions, means you might have to deal with past pain, trauma, or other hurts of life. You may feel conviction and realize that your spiritual life is not what it should be.

4 Pillars of a Theology of Rest

Here are four things the Sabbath invites us to rest in; pay attention to which one lands hardest for you. Because that’s probably the one that has the most to say to you right now.

1. Rest in God’s Provision
It is possible that you don’t actually trust God to provide if you rest? When our worth gets tied to our output, we literally cannot afford to rest. The belief becomes, “If I stop producing, I stop mattering.” The Sabbath is God saying, “Put it down. I’ve got this. Your provision does not depend on your performance,” and for many of us, that’s genuinely hard to believe.

2. Rest in God’s Power
This one is a little uncomfortable to say out loud, but it needs to be named. Many of us are exhausted because we’re convinced that if we stop managing things, everything will fall apart. Underneath is the belief that we’re the ones holding everything together. The Sabbath gently asks: Do you believe God has power over the things you’re gripping so tightly? Because if he does, you can put them down for a day.

3. Rest in God’s Promises
This hits especially hard for high-achievers or anyone who grew up where love felt conditional. The question underneath is: Do you believe God’s promises never change, no matter how productive you are? Do you actually believe his love is there even when you do nothing to earn it? In that sense, the Sabbath becomes a weekly practice of receiving love you didn’t earn. And for many of us, that’s deeply counterintuitive.

4. Rest in God’s Plan
Much of our striving and inability to slow down comes from anxiety about the future. Life feels uncertain, so we cope by staying in motion, because motion feels like control. But if you truly believe God has a real, active plan for your life, then you can put things down. The Sabbath teaches us to release the illusion of control before we desperately need to.

Practical Ways to Rest Your Body, Mind, and Spirit

Body

• Pay attention: Notice when you’re stressed or fatigued

• Sleep: Think about sleep quality and quantity

• Nutrition: Pay attention to the foods you are consuming

• Exercise: Helps combat disease, depression, anxiety and mood disorders

• Breathing: Find videos on box breathing, deep breathing, and mindful breathing

Mind

• Be aware: Realize that your mind is a battleground

• Quiet: Cut out the noise and filter your inputs

• Unplug: Turn off notifications, limit screen time, unsubscribe from emails

• Spend time in nature: Creation is restoration

• Get creative: Read the Bible and other great books; find life-giving hobbies

Spirit

• Embrace solitude and silence: Sit alone with your thoughts

• Worship: Listen to worship music and praise God wholeheartedly

• Express gratitude: Keep a gratitude journal; regularly give thanks for blessings

• Sabbath as a weekly practice: Protect one day and dedicate it to God

• Prayer: Talk regularly with God

A Daily Prayer for Rest

You may want to start your day with a short prayer like this one:

Lord, I feel stressed, overburdened and burned out. I don’t have time to rest. There’s so much I need to do. Help me lay down my burdens at your feet. Help me to trust that you are near. Help me to receive your love and acknowledge your presence at every moment. I believe that you have a plan for my life, and that your power is perfected in my weakness. I want to find comfort and refuge in you. Be with me today and allow my mind, body and spirit to rest in your promises. Amen.

At the end of the day, the Sabbath is an invitation to rest and to remember that your life depends not on your work but on God’s. It gently exposes the beliefs underneath our busyness: that our worth is tied to our output, that everything will fall apart if we let go, that love must be earned, and that the future is all on us.

In place of those fears, God offers something better: rest in his provision, his power, his promises, and his plan. This doesn’t mean nothing matters; it just means it’s not all on you. As you practice the Sabbath consistently, you will release the illusion of control and learn, slowly but surely, how to truly rest.

For most of us the third commandment to “not take the Lord’s name in vain” feels like a gentle reminder to watch our language, avoid the OMGs, and then move on. It’s easy to disregard this command as not very important.

In this episode of our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Shay examines the third commandment to see how it applies to our lives today. You won’t be surprised to find out that it’s still relevant, but you may not be aware of ways in which you break this commandment without realizing it.

When you misuse God’s name, you diminish his power, authority, and the very essence of his being. God’s name isn’t just a meaningless label, but a revelation of his character, faithfulness and covenant love. Speaking God’s name carelessly or flippantly is an offense to his identity: the great I AM.

At the end of this episode, you’ll understand why God’s name is the most powerful name in the world, and why your words and actions should reflect his glory rather than diminish it.

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Highlights from this Episode

Today I have the privilege of talking about the third commandment. If you don’t remember exactly what the Bible says, I’ll read it for you: Exodus 20:7 states, “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.”

The first commandment prohibits worshiping false gods; you can understand why that’s a big deal to God. The second prohibits worshiping God in the wrong way: no idols or graven images. That commandment makes sense too; an invisible God has the right to determine how he is to be made visible or not. Those are big commands and naturally, big offenses.

By comparison, the third commandment can feel low key: watch your words, avoid saying “Oh my God,” and don’t swear. But taking the Lord’s name in vain is far more serious, and far broader, than that.

More Than Just Words

The Hebrew word shav, translated as “vain”, means empty, worthless, or false. So this commandment forbids any use of God’s name that treats it as weightless, trivial, or tied to wrong purposes. We often reduce this to simply avoiding profanity. And while verses like Ephesians 4:29 warn against corrupting and unwholesome talk, this command reaches much deeper.

This beautiful prayer gives an idea of just how broad the third commandment is:

O Lord my God, I confess that I have not honored your name. When facing disappointment, I accuse your character, often under my breath or by withdrawing from you. You want me to cry out to you in time of need, but I expect very little of your name.

Sometimes I gravitate towards only one of your many names, avoiding the parts of your nature that aren’t useful to me. At times, I love you in name only, having God on my lips, but keeping my heart and my life far from you. I fail to honor the vows that I’ve taken in your name, to my spouse, the church community, or the offices I hold in the church or workplace.

At times, I invoke your name or your word to defend a personal cause or opinion, when really I just want to shield myself from criticism. And I have dishonored you before others. Like Peter, I deny you when bearing the name of Christ costs me. I obsess over preserving my reputation before others, ever striving to make a name for myself, but care very little for yours.

To my shame, you are reviled by many because of my hypocrisy and my self-righteousness. I need Jesus. Father, have mercy on me through the one who died, rose and was exalted and given the name that is above every name.

Consider how this might show up in your own life: accusing God’s character when you’re disappointed; expecting very little from him; or gravitating toward only the parts of his nature that feel useful. Loving him “in name only,” with God on your lips but your heart far from him. Breaking vows made in his name—to a spouse, a church, or a calling. Invoking God to defend a personal opinion, or to shield yourself from criticism.

Why God’s Name Carries Weight

The third commandment is the only one that carries this explicit warning: “The Lord will not hold him guiltless.” Why is this such a serious matter? It’s serious because God’s name is not a small thing; it’s bound up with who he is. In Exodus 3, when Moses asks God his name, God responds, “I AM WHO I AM.” His name reveals his very being as self-existent, sovereign, and faithful.

The third commandment also forbids false oaths, which means swearing by God’s name in ways that are untrue or insincere (Leviticus 19). And it warns against claiming to speak on God’s behalf when he has not spoken, something Scripture repeatedly confronts in false prophets and empty religious leadership.

To take his name in vain is not just a speech issue; it’s a relational one. It violates the covenant relationship we have with him. We understand this instinctively in human relationships. When someone gives their word and then casually breaks their promise or says, “It didn’t mean anything,” it deeply wounds the other person. Why? Because names, promises, and identity are never neutral. They carry weight.

The same is true, even more so, with God. Scripture consistently exalts his name: “How majestic is your name” (Psalm 8), “Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name” (Psalm 29), “Hallowed be your name” (Matthew 6), “There is no other name…by which we must be saved” (Acts 4), and “At the name of Jesus every knee should bow” (Philippians 2).

How Might You Take God’s Name in Vain?

• You do it when you attach God’s name to what is false and untrue, like lying under oath, exaggerating truth, or using spiritual language to give your words more authority than they deserve.

• You do it when you claim divine authority for your opinions or plans, especially in areas where Scripture does not speak clearly. Saying, “If you were a real Christian, you would think this way,” or casually claiming, “God told me,” without humility or caution belittles God’s name.

• You do it through careless speech, when you use God’s name in anger, as a throwaway phrase, or without reverence. This reflects an attitude that treats the name of our Creator, Savior, and King as common. This includes favoring entertainment (movies, TV, memes) that use God’s name carelessly as well.

• You do it by using God’s name for personal gain: money, influence, or reputation. Using spiritual platforms, language, or identity to advance yourself while your heart is disengaged.

• You do it by being phony—going through the motions in worship, singing or praying words you don’t mean, letting your lips move while your heart drifts.

• And most importantly, you take his name in vain when your life contradicts the name you bear as one of his children.

Living Like You Bear His Name

As Christians, we represent Jesus to the world. Our actions, words, and attitudes reflect on him. God makes this point in Ezekiel 36, where he announces to the people that he’s going to do a new thing: “I’m going to put my spirit in your heart and move you to follow my decrees, because you bear my name.”

So you have to remember that others are watching you. There is both privilege and responsibility that comes with bearing the name of Christ. People may not expect perfection, but they do notice authenticity.

Colossians 3:17 brings it all together: “Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Obeying the third commandment means living all of life under his name, with reverence, honesty, and integrity.

His Gift to You

Jesus is the only person who perfectly “hallowed” the Father’s name. And it’s the same name he gives us when he adopts us as sons and daughters! It’s a gift to you despite the many ways you stain the beauty of his character. In other words, we take his name in vain, yet he puts his name on us. He does this because of his grace and mercy.

So as you go about your week, keep this in mind: God’s name isn’t something to use lightly, but something to honor and revere. The goal isn’t perfection, but a growing awareness that his name is on you in everything you say and do. And when you fall short—and you will—remember, you’re not cast off; you’re covered by grace. Ask for his help, stay close to him, and let your life reflect the weight and beauty of the name you bear.

From the very beginning, God sets himself apart from every other so-called god. While ancient cultures were filled with competing deities, the God of Israel makes a bold claim: he alone is God over all people for all times and places. If that’s true, then his commands aren’t situational or cultural—they’re universally binding.

That’s a claim that can feel uncomfortable, even offensive, but it forces us to wrestle with a deeper question: where do our moral standards actually come from?

In this discerning episode of our new series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Lynn and Shay take a look at the first and second commandments and what it looks like to live them out in today’s world. It turns out that idolatry isn’t just an ancient problem. It shows up in the things we rely on for meaning, security, and identity. Whether it’s approval, control, or success, these “functional gods” promise a lot but leave us empty.

Together, the first and second commandments confront the question of who we worship and how—and ultimately point us back to a God who cannot be reduced, replaced, or replicated. Take some time to listen or read along and consider: who or what is at the center of your life?

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Highlights from this Episode

In our new series, we’re going to be walking through the Ten Commandments and making the case that these ancient words are relevant to your life today. As our series title implies, the commandments really are “keys to the universe”. They’re not arbitrary rules or cultural opinions. God intended them to be for our well-being and flourishing, and you’re going to be blessed if you follow them.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, “What would the world actually look like if everyone kept the Ten Commandments?” We may gripe and complain about rules and laws and regulations but think about what an amazing place the world would be if these 10 rules were obeyed.

You wouldn’t need locks on your door. You wouldn’t need fraud protection or defense budgets or contracts or courts or prisons. The entire architecture of social distrust that we’ve built and spend trillions of dollars maintaining exists largely because these 10 rules are being constantly broken everywhere.

Studying the Ten Commandments is important because the biblical definition of freedom is not ‘doing whatever you want’. Too often the commandments are seen as constraints, as if God’s ways will keep us in servitude and from realizing our dreams and reaching our potential. We forget that God means to give us abundant life.

Obeying the commandments is not how we get God to love us and accept us. We obey because he loves and accepts us. That’s the order in the Old Testament too. In Exodus 19, God identifies the Israelites as a kingdom of priests and a holy nation, set apart by his grace. Then in Exodus 20, he gives them the commandments. As Christians, we too are a kingdom of priests and a holy nation, and we too must look different and have rules the world doesn’t understand.

Love, Law, and Worship

People may say that the commandments are outdated because they were given in the Old Testament, but that when Jesus came, he was about love and compassion and grace. But all of the commandments, except for the Sabbath, are repeated in the New Testament as well, summarized by Jesus’ command to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.”

Jesus’ statement accomplished a few things. First, he simplified the law by summarizing it into two basic principles. Then he unified the law because he said that all of the commandments are designed to establish relational love and human flourishing. Last, he deepened the meaning of the law because he moved it from external behavior to matters of the heart.

There are two words that will anchor us throughout this entire series. The first word is worship, which is to honor, adore, give reverence to, or give yourself over to something. We are created to worship, but the fundamental question of your life is, “Who or what will you worship?”

The second word is idol. Biblically, an idol is any person, thing, desire, or idea, whether it’s tangible or intangible, that receives the devotion, trust, awe, and ultimate allegiance that belongs to God. An idol, by definition, is the object of disordered worship. Since humans are inescapably worshiping creatures, the first two commandments are foundational in helping us worship correctly.

Worshipping God Alone

The first commandment says, “You shall have no other gods before me.” What are the implications of this commandment and how can you keep it in today’s world?

First of all, God is saying it’s possible to be a sincere worshiper yet still worship the wrong God. That’s the reason for the very first commandment. God is not interested in being one god among many. Lots of ancient cultures had impressive-sounding gods and goddesses. What set the Israelites apart from the other nations was that their God, Yahweh, demanded to be worshiped alone as the only God, the God of all gods.

Second, if there’s one God and he’s supreme over all places, people, territories, and tribes, then the rest of the commandments aren’t just for some people in some times and places, depending on their circumstances. The other commandments are true for everyone, everywhere.

This exclusive claim of Christianity can feel offensive. As Jesus himself said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life, and no one gets to God except through me.” When God rallied the Israelites and told them that he was the one true God, it was just as radical then as it seems to be today. And the other nations weren’t happy about it.

Think about the reason behind this. A truly authoritative moral law cannot exist without a divine moral lawgiver. Someone outside of time and space must speak into this world to tell us how to live. If our moral obligations are to have any force or binding obligation behind them, they must rest on something more than just majority opinion or our own personal sense of right or wrong. In fact, there aren’t even categories like “right” or “wrong” without an independent law-giver.

Exclusive Love and Worship

How do we keep the first commandment? First, we choose to love God exclusively. The first commandment is predicated on what the Lord did for the Israelites in Egypt. He saved them. He rescued them. He delivered them. He has a claim over them. When God says, “I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt,” in Exodus 22, he is reminding them of the plagues and the Red Sea.

In other words, he’s saying to them, “Why would you trust any other so-called God?” Idolatry or worship of another God is in some sense like adultery. Like bringing another person into a marriage. That never seems to work out!

In addition, don’t misunderstand the phrase, ‘no other gods before me’. God is not saying that there are a bunch of gods out there and we should pick him. He’s saying there are no other gods besides me.

The second way to follow the first commandment is to be aware of those idols or those false gods that we worship. The late Tim Keller made a list of idols of the heart when he taught through the book of Romans. As they’re defined, examine your own heart for any of these:

• Approval idolatry: Life only has meaning if I’m loved and respected by a certain person or group.

• Comfort idolatry: Life only has meaning if I have a certain socioeconomic level or quality of life.

• Control idolatry: Life only has meaning if I can have mastery over my life in a particular area.

• Work idolatry: Life only has meaning if I’m highly productive or successful or at least seen that way.

• Individual person idolatry: Life only has meaning if this one person in my life is happy with me.

• Ideology idolatry: Life only has meaning if my political party or social cause is gaining influence or power.

In and of themselves, these can all be good things, but when idolized they make terrible gods. They always let you down. You can get the money, win the election, achieve the promotion, and it still doesn’t satisfy. That’s because these false gods are dangerous; when pursued at all costs they lead to the denigration of human life. We think we’re in control when we build an idol, but how could anything we create with our hands or minds be more powerful than we are?

Isaiah 44 paints this picture so vividly: a man cuts down a tree, uses half to warm himself by the fire, and turns the other half into a god and bows to it, saying, “Deliver me.” It’s absurd. It’s not alive, not breathing, completely powerless. Yet we do this all the time when we worship idols of success, happiness, love, and even ourselves. The result is anxiety, anger, unhappiness, and broken relationships. Idols always over-promise and under-deliver.

A God Beyond Images and Statues

The second commandment says, “Do not make a carved image or any likeness of anything in creation and bow down to it.” The first commandment tells us who to worship; the second tells us how. So while the first prohibits worshiping other gods, the second prohibits worshiping the one true God in a way that misrepresents who he is. To think of God as having a physical form like something in his creation is to diminish and demean him.

And yet we see how quickly God’s people fell into this. Every other nation had physical representations of their gods, so the Israelites wanted to be like them. Moses goes up the mountain, and when he’s gone too long, they gather their gold and form a golden calf—not necessarily thinking it was God, but that it represented him. And God is furious, because it reduces him to something created. Moses makes them burn it, grind it down, mix it with water, and drink it. They had to taste the bitterness of their idolatry. It’s a clear picture: idol worship always leads to bitterness. It never satisfies.

The ancient world made gods out of everything, but God’s people were meant to be different. “In the beginning, God created.” He is separate from his creation. He can’t be captured in an image or form. And yet, over and over, whether it’s the golden calf, the ark treated like a good luck charm, or the temple itself, we see people trying to approach God on their own terms.

Worship Without Images or Idols

Faith comes from hearing and reading the word of God, not seeing physical representations. The one exception would be the Lord’s Supper. Jesus commanded us to do it in remembrance of his sacrifice. But the bread and wine are representations. They are not special on their own, and they do not become the body and blood of Christ. We don’t venerate or worship the elements.

Keeping the second commandment today means guarding against images of God both external and imagined. Remember, God is a jealous God, so we must avoid infusing any created things with divine eminence and spiritual efficacy. We shouldn’t focus on icons or images during prayer, let alone kissing or kneeling before an image or a statue. If we bow or pray to the image or relic or icon, or think that we need it to be closer to God, that’s a violation of the second commandment.

The Ultimate Question

The first two commandments are really asking one question and it’s the most important question that you will ever answer. Who will you worship and how will you worship? We encourage you to use these diagnostic questions to examine your own heart. It’s the starting point for aligning your heart with God’s commands.

You’re trying to make the right decisions, but everything feels a little unclear and maybe even overwhelming. And in those moments, there are a lot of voices telling you, “This is the way forward.”

But what if God has already given you something trustworthy to guide you?

Welcome to our new series called 10 Keys To the Universe, an examination of the Ten Commandments and how they relate to our lives today. In this foundational episode, John and Austin will take a fresh look at the Ten Commandments and how they function as a compass for navigating the unpredictable and painful wilderness of life.

They’ll explain how the commandments protect you, bring you real freedom, help move forward what God is doing in the world, and even expose what’s going on in your own heart in a way that leads you back to grace.

And then they’ll land on the most important piece: what Jesus has to do with all of this. Because once you understand how he fulfilled the law, it completely changes how you see the commandments: not as something you have to do, but something you get to do.

Listen now

Highlights from this Episode

Broadly speaking, when you’re in the wilderness—it’s not fun! You’re lost, tired, overwhelmed; you’re looking for perspective, a next step, a way to get help. For you, maybe navigating the wilderness looks like trying figure out an issue with your kids or your marriage. Maybe it’s mental health issues or chronic illness. Maybe it’s healing from childhood wounds or dealing with a difficult family member.

For as long as there have been people, there have been different “compasses” that promise a way out of the wilderness. Some of the ones available today are:

• substances or processes (addictions, basically)

• influencers and social media

• the health industry

• the self-help industry

• ChatGPT(!)

In the midst of all of those, God has a “compass” for you as well: the Ten Commandments. He gave the commandments to the Israelites when they were in a literal wilderness. They had been enslaved for 400 years in Egypt. God freed the Israelites from slavery and helped them cross the Red Sea. It was during this time that Moses went up Mt. Sinai and God gave him the Ten Commandments.

Because the Ten Commandments were originally given to the Israelites thousands of years ago, you may not think about them very much. You may even wonder if they have any application to your life today. But the Ten Commandments aren’t something to dismiss, or gloss over, or relegate to your spiritual life on Sunday. Instead, they are meant to saturate and permeate your perspective throughout the entirety of your week!

The Ten Commandments have 5 different purposes, and once you know those purposes, you’ll get a sense of why they’re worth following.

Why the Ten Commandments Still Matter

1. The Ten Commandments offer protection

Imagine that you’re living in a lawless country where the government has been overthrown, and there are multiple roving bands who are pillaging and dominating the countryside, harming others. You’re hoping that someone will establish a stable society with laws set up to defend the weak and powerless and punish the offenders.

This is what the Ten Commandments were to the newly formed nation of Israel. They were foundational and clear markers of what life should look like among the people, and they didn’t bring people down; they offered the Israelites protection. Likewise, the Ten Commandments today offer guidelines that make for a better world, and even non-Christians can recognize that following them benefits society.

2. The Ten Commandments offer freedom

Where is God? When you’re not sure, you look in odd places: the energy surge of a shopping binge, the thrill of drinking or gambling. Of course, God is not found there. What is there is a feeling of the transcendent, a dopamine surge of glory that elevates you beyond your momentary pain. It’s an elusive and fleeting feeling of control. This is your equivalent of a golden calf, but it never brings true fulfillment.

Every healthy relationship requires honesty, and your relationship with God is no different. The Ten Commandments are one of the best facilitators of honesty with God. Why? These commands are like a lamp on a dark path, showing you what loving God and your neighbor looks like and ushering you towards the bright path of love. Without that lamp, you would end up in the woods.

3. The Ten Commandments are a blueprint to further God’s mission.

A thread that holds the entirety of the Bible together is the fact that God is on a mission. Genesis 12:1-3 says, “​​The Lord had said to Abram, ‘Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.’”

God is on a mission to bless his entire creation, which is needed because sin has infected it. How is God going to do this? Well, as the story unfolds, the Ten Commandments are a foundational and significant means by which God will bless others: bless the Israelites and bless the surrounding pagan nations through the behavior of the Israelites.

For example, look at the 4^th commandment: Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy. Israel was meant to rest because God did the same thing on the seventh day of creation. Imagine you live next door to a family who rests regularly, and how appealing that would be! Seeing the Israelites rest gave the pagan nations a tangible glimpse of what life looks like following God. The hope was to persuade these nations to turn from their idolatry and follow the one true God.

4. The Ten Commandments help restrain sin.

The Ten Commandments serve as a mirror of your heart, revealing how miserably you fail in this endeavor to love others, and how desperately you need the grace of Jesus. Truth be told, you’d never admit this about yourself unless this ego-piercing reflection is placed right before your eyes. You have a great need to cultivate honesty with God and the commandments help you to be honest with God about the state of your heart.

The commandments provide ‘common grace’ (available to all, not just Christians) to keep this sinful world from being as bad as it could be. If you want to respond to God and others with love, they provide a way to be do that. If you want to live in a world characterized by God’s love, you have the commandments as a guide. You will fail to reflect the commandments perfectly, but you will receive God’s grace and mercy over and over again.

5. The Ten Commandments provide a window into God’s character.

Jerram Barrs wrote a book called Delighting in the Law of the Lord where he makes the point that the Ten Commandments are not a burdensome set of rules, but a “window into God’s character” and a guide to the good life.

He says, “Through the 10 commandments, God is shown to be authoritative, holy, deserving of exclusive worship, concerned with the honor of his name, a provider of rest, and a defender of life, marriage, property, and truth.”

Fulfilled by Jesus, Lived by You

Jesus fulfilled the commandments by living a sinless life of perfect obedience, embodying the intent of the law through love, and serving as the perfect, atoning sacrifice. Rather than abolishing the law, he “filled it to the full,” completing its purpose and establishing a new covenant.

In Matthew 5:17-19, Jesus says:

Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

You may be wondering if you have to obey the Ten Commandments. You don’t have to, because Jesus fulfilled the law. When God looks at anyone who claims to love and serve and trust in Jesus, he doesn’t see your failures, but he sees Jesus. As he said of Jesus in Luke 3, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.”

If you’re relieved to hear that you don’t have to follow the Ten Commandments, then you’ve missed it...while you don’t have to, you get to. You want to follow them when you realize how good, faithful, pleasing, and trustworthy they are and how they reveal God’s character and his mission for the world.

Because of Jesus, you’re not trying to earn anything by following God’s commands. You’re invited into a way of living that’s good, freeing, and deeply rooted in God’s character. As you go about your week, don’t just leave this as an idea—start to see the commandments as a guide you actually get to follow that will bring blessing in your life.

We designed these episodes to be useful espresso shots full of wisdom that will leave you with a greater sense of confidence to handle all that life is throwing at you.

How to Manage a Panic Attack

In this practical start to our series, Austin delves into panic attacks: what they are, why they feel so intense, and, most importantly, what you can do in the moment when one hits. He’ll help you understand what’s happening in your body, learn practical tools to calm your system, and remember that you’re not alone in the middle of it.

Listen: Manage a Panic Attack

Read: Manage a Panic Attack

How to Handle Unanswered Prayer

In this powerful conversation, Shay sits down with his father-in-law, Pastor Erwin Lutzer, about the discouragement of unanswered prayer. When your earnest prayers seem to go unanswered, it’s difficult to comprehend how God’s “no” might serve a greater unseen purpose. It turns out that God may accomplish more through unanswered prayer than through the answers you long for.

Listen: Unanswered Prayer

Read: Unanswered Prayer

How to Deal With Difficult People

Do you have a difficult person in your life? In this perceptive episode, John shares three effective, biblically-based strategies for dealing with difficult people. He’ll also explain God’s different responses to repentant and unrepentant people, why gentleness works in some situations but not in others, and how boundaries can actually be a form of kindness.

Listen: Difficult People

Read: Difficult People

How to Handle Stress

Chronic stress can lead to burnout, cynicism, numbness, or feeling disconnected from yourself and from God. Listen in as Lynn shares 3 intentional shifts you can make right now so you can move out of survival mode and into a more grounded, present, and renewed way of living.

Listen: Handle Stress

Read: Handle Stress

How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You

One of the Bible’s hardest commands is forgiving someone who has hurt you. Jesus’ words from the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us” sounds good, but it can feel impossible in the face of a painful offense. In this episode, Austin will encourage and equip you to enter a process of forgiveness that leads to freedom and hope, one step at a time.

Listen: Forgiveness

Read: Forgiveness

How to Know God’s Will

Modern life bombards you with endless choices (career, marriage, major life moves), often leaving you fearful you will miss God’s “perfect” path. But overanalyzing every detail and possible option can keep you paralyzed with anxiety or regret.

Drawing from insights in the book Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung, Shay will walk you through three biblical categories of God’s will and then get practical about two of the biggest decisions you might face: what career path to follow and who to marry.

Listen: God's Will

Read: God's Will

How to Handle Anger Towards God

Have you ever felt angry with God… and then immediately felt guilty for even thinking that way? You’ll want to listen in as John talks about what it means to feel anger toward God and why bringing that anger into the light might be one of the most transformative steps in your spiritual life.

You’ll discover why it’s okay to be angry, the way that anger protests and protects, what anger can teach you about your soul, and how to use lament to communicate your anger to God in a healthy way.

Listen: Anger Towards God

Read: Anger Towards God

How to Accept Estranged Relationships

Estrangement is one of the most painful and misunderstood experiences in family life, yet it’s far more common than most people realize. In this thoughtful episode, Lynn walks through what estrangement actually is, why it happens, and how it impacts a family on multiple levels.

She’ll share 5 hard but essential truths for anyone navigating estrangement, including why reconciliation isn’t guaranteed, how to navigate the feelings of grief and loss, and insight about the ripple effects of estrangement.

Listen: Estranged Relationships

Read: Estranged Relationships

How to Handle Singleness

In this compassionate episode, Austin talks about how to navigate singleness right where you are—rather than feeling like your life is on hold. He’ll share 5 practical ways to approach singleness with honesty, courage, and faith. As you listen, you’ll get perspective and wisdom that will help you hold the multi-faceted experience of being single while simultaneously loving, following, and trusting Jesus.

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Read: Singleness

How to Respond When Your Pastor Fails

In this timely episode, Lynn and Shay discuss the many and varied responsibilities of ministry, the complicated dynamics that many pastors face as they gain success and notoriety, and how Christian leaders can benefit from personal therapy and soul work.

They’ll also talk about 5 ways to respond when your pastor fails, including acknowledging your feelings and seeking support, exercising discernment about who you follow, and remembering that God’s work through the church cannot be thwarted even through imperfect people.

Listen: Respond When Your Pastor Fails

Read: Respond When Your Pastor Fails

How to Grow Through Sadness

You may have a complicated relationship with sadness. Perhaps you grew up in a home where feeling sad was considered disrespectful or distressing. Maybe sadness was viewed as a weakness or only seen as a problem to solve.

In this perceptive episode, John will help you understand sadness better: why it feels so disorienting and uncomfortable; how Jesus is the ultimate example of engaging with grief from a place of strength; and the reason sadness isn’t the enemy of healing, but the path to it.

Listen: Grow Through Sadness

Read: Grow Through Sadness

How to Spend Eternity with God

In this pivotal episode, Shay contemplates one of the most important questions you will ever face: How do you spend eternity with God? And more importantly, can you know if you’ve gotten the answer wrong?

Using Jesus’ parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18, Shay unpacks why the path to God isn’t secured by achievement, but by humility. This is a story that flips our instincts upside down, because the one who goes home right with God isn’t the one who had his act together. It’s the one who showed up with nothing.

Listen: Spend Eternity with God

Read: Spend Eternity with God

How to Manage a Narcissist

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling confused, exhausted, and somehow convinced that everything was your fault—even though you couldn’t quite explain why? If so, this episode is for you.

As we end this series, Lynn addresses one of the most requested and personally meaningful topics she’s tackled: how to manage a narcissist in your life. She’ll give you 4 strategies to help you protect your peace, stay grounded in truth, and navigate one of the hardest relational dynamics without losing yourself in it.

Listen: How to Manage a Narcissist

Read: How to Manage a Narcissist

You replay what was said, trying to make sense of it, but somehow you end up feeling like you’re the problem. Your encounters with this person are tense and miserable, and you feel isolated, suffocated, and detached from reality.

If that feels familiar, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

In this final episode of our practical series, How to Handle Life, Lynn offers realistic advice for how to manage a narcissist with wisdom, not reactivity. She’ll give you 4 strategies to help you protect your peace, stay grounded in truth, and navigate one of the hardest relational dynamics without losing yourself in it.

If you’ve ever felt lost in a confusing, stressful relationship, it’s time to learn that the other person was never playing by the same rules.

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Highlights from this Episode

Let me start by painting a picture.

You leave a conversation with someone—a family member, colleague, maybe even your spouse—and you feel exhausted in a way you can’t explain. Your head is spinning. You feel confused. Your self-confidence feels drained, but you’re not sure why. Even though you’re hurt by the blame and criticism, you’re already making excuses for the other person.

If that sounds familiar, stay with me. Because today we’re talking about one of the most disorienting, emotionally distressing experiences a person can have: being in a relationship with a narcissist.

This is not about diagnosing everyone who frustrates you, and it is not ammunition to go home and declare war on someone. That would be neither safe nor wise. Rather, this is about understanding. About gaining wisdom that protects your dignity and sense of self when it’s being threatened by someone engaging in damaging behavior.

As a counselor, I’ve watched people lose their identity and live in complete confusion in these relationships. I’ve seen grown children weep under the manipulative control of a parent, and I’ve watched someone slowly shrink into fear and confusion under emotional and verbal abuse.

In every case, the healing balm has been truth applied with discernment. Truth and wisdom are what set you free. But truth is often ugly. You may avoid it because it’s painful. Yet Scripture doesn’t tell you to ignore truth. Scripture gives you wisdom to recognize motives and correctly identify behavior so you can live wisely and be strengthened to make godly choices in relationships.

Philippians 1:9 is your guide: “That your love may abound more and more in real knowledge and all discernment.”

What Is Narcissism — And Is This Me?

Before you look outward, it’s important to look inward. Your first question should be, “Am I the problem?” Approach God with humility, asking him to reveal anything in you that needs correction. The root of relational problems, namely sin, self-centeredness, and rebellion, lives in all of us.

Scripture is a mirror first, not a weapon. Only after self-reflection, then do you use Scripture as a second tool: discernment. While the Bible doesn’t use the word “narcissism,” it clearly describes the patterns of narcissistic behavior: pride, arrogance, deceit, lack of self-control, refusal to accept correction, divisiveness, and suppression of truth. For example, in the Psalms and Proverbs, the “scoffer” refuses counsel and escalates conflict.

Clinically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can only be diagnosed by a professional, who conducts a full evaluation and looks at on-going patterns of behavior. Most people around you are not full-blown narcissists, but they may have narcissistic tendencies that still cause real damage.

Here are some patterns to watch for:

• They cannot take responsibility. Apologies are incomplete, your feelings are minimized, and their behavior never changes.

• They lack empathy for those closest to them.

• They distort reality; their gaslighting leaves you feeling like you’re losing your mind.

• They are skilled at manipulation: deflection, silence, triangulation, rationalization.

• They require constant validation (in clinical terms, “fuel”) and may discard or discredit you if you stop supplying it.

At their core, everything filters through two questions: How does this make me feel? How does this make me look? When something threatens that, they deflect, deny, or rewrite reality.

How to Manage the Narcissist

This is not about winning or revenge. It’s about protecting your heart, your mind, and your faith.

Strategy One: Decoding

When a narcissist speaks, there are two layers: what they say, and what they mean. If you take everything at face value, you’ll stay confused.

“I was just joking—you’re so sensitive” → Absorb my hurtful comment and don’t hold me accountable.

“I did apologize—what else do you want?” → I performed an apology; now drop it so I don’t feel bad for hurting you.

“Everyone agrees with me” → I’ve recruited others to my side so you feel alone.

Decoding is learning to say the quiet part out loud to yourself. If your mind is spinning, you may be being spun.

You stop responding to the surface and start responding to the pattern:

• What do they want from me?

• How are they trying to feel better or look better?

• What reaction are they trying to produce?

Sometimes the best response is no response:
“Thanks for the info.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Noted.”

When you see behind the curtain, you become much harder to manipulate.

Strategy Two: The Gray Rock Method

Be a gray rock to the narcissistic person in your life: ordinary, neutral, unresponsive. They need your emotional reactions to stay connected and in control. If you react with defensiveness, tears, or anger, it feeds the dynamic between you.

Instead, you offer calm, brief, neutral responses:
“Okay.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I’ll think about that.”

This is not cruelty—it’s strategic emotional detachment. And it’s hard, especially if you value connection and being understood. Being detached from them requires you to find security in God. If your identity is anchored in God, you can afford to be the gray rock. You don’t need them to see you clearly for you to be okay.

Strategy Three: Watch for Flying Monkeys

This is also called triangulation. Instead of coming to you directly, the narcissist uses a third party, like a friend, family member, or coworker, to deliver a message designed to trigger guilt, doubt, or re-engagement.

“I talked to them—they’re really hurt.”
“I think you should reach out.”

The third party often means well and may not realize that they’re carrying a specially crafted message meant to further the narcissist’s agenda.

How do you respond?

• Recognize it – your instincts will tell you.

• Don’t engage with the message or the messenger.

• Respond calmly: “I appreciate your concern. I’ll handle this directly.”

• Then pause to pray, think, and seek wise counsel outside the triangle.

Strategy Four: Learn the Real Enemy

The most important perspective: the narcissist is not your ultimate enemy. They are a broken person operating from a deeply dysfunctional inner world. Your real enemy is spiritual.

Scripture tells us we don’t wrestle against flesh and blood. There is a spiritual battle, and this relationship can be used to erode your identity, your faith, and your peace.

So your response must be spiritual:

• Hold onto truth when lies come.

• Guard your mind—it is the battlefield.

• Stand in faith when the attacks feel constant.

• Anchor your identity in God’s verdict, not theirs.

I’ve seen people come out of these relationships not destroyed, but deepened. More aware of their own unhealthy tendencies, more anchored in God, more discerning, and more capable of healthy relationships.

Discernment over Judgment

As we close, I want to remind you: this is not about judgment. Everyone will be individually judged by God for their words and actions. It’s about wisdom, and having love for others that is informed, not naïve.

You can:

• Decode what’s really being said

• Practice emotional detachment

• Recognize triangulation

• And most importantly, identify the real enemy

Remember to start by asking God what part of the relationship dynamic is yours and take ownership of it. Get the support of a wise, trustworthy person like a spiritual mentor or skilled counselor. Ultimately, entrust this difficult person to God. Your goal is not just to survive the relationship, but to become someone who knows God more deeply, knows yourself more clearly, and walks in knowledge and discernment.

Recommended Resource

Managing the Roots & Weeds of Narcissism - with special guest Pastor Erwin Lutzer

Many people think they know, but how can you be sure?

In this pivotal episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Shay contemplates one of the most important questions you will ever face: How do you spend eternity with God? And more importantly, can you know if you’ve gotten the answer wrong?

Using Jesus’ parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18, Shay unpacks why the path to God isn’t secured by achievement, but by humility. This is a story that flips our instincts upside down, because the one who goes home right with God isn’t the one who had his act together. It’s the one who showed up with nothing.

The good news of the gospel has to start with the bad news: no one can earn their way into eternity with God. In fact, it is a spiritually dangerous place to stand before God with your arms full of your own goodness. Tim Keller’s pointed reminder is sobering: “All you need to get to heaven is nothing, but very few people have it.”

Whether how to spend eternity with God is something you’ve wrestled with or never even considered, this episode ends with a hopeful invitation: Come to Jesus with empty arms and he will give you everything you need to spend eternity with God. This is a great episode to share with a friend!

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Highlights from This Episode

Today we’re continuing in our how-to series by looking at how to spend eternity with God. That’s a really important question, isn’t it? How do you spend eternity with God? Can you know? Has God revealed that to humanity?

God has revealed the way of salvation in the Scriptures and in his son, Jesus Christ. Your relationship with him can begin even now before you die. But unless you’re really old or in poor health, you may have the mindset that you’re going to live forever.

But every day you’re confronted with reality, right?

Someone you know gets cancer and has a year to live. Someone’s in a car accident and passes away. Death is all around us, but somehow we don’t think that it’s going to ever happen to us. Deep inside, we all know that it will. We will all die; it’s normal to wonder what will happen when that time comes.

Can You Be Sure?

There’s a cemetery in Indiana that has an old tombstone. The epitaph reads:

“So once was I; as I am now, so will you be. Prepare for death and follow me.”

An unknown passerby read those words and underneath scratched this reply:

“To follow you, I am not content until I know which way you went.”

Another illustration is about a politician who said in an interview, “I want to try and to get to heaven if possible, but I’m hearing that I’m not doing well. I’m at the bottom of the list. I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to get me into heaven. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to make it.”

Have you ever felt like that? I don’t know if this politician was sincere or not, but the Bible says that admitting you don’t have what it takes to get to heaven is an essential part of what it takes to get to heaven. If we don’t get this truth right, we’ll miss it. In other words, the good news of the gospel begins with the bad news that the Bible says we all have to accept: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” (Romans 3:23).

From Pride to Grace

Jesus once told a story about two men who went to the temple to pray. It’s found in Luke 18:9-14. It’s one of my favorite passages, because I think it’s very clear in explaining how we can have a relationship with God. Beginning in verse nine, it says:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable.

He said, “Two men went up to the temple to pray. One a Pharisee, and the other, a tax collector. The Pharisee, a religious leader, stood by himself and he prayed, ‘God, I thank you that I’m not like other people, robbers and evildoers and adulterers, or even like this tax collector here. I fast twice a week and I give a tenth of all I get.’

But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but he beat his breast and he said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ Jesus said, ‘I tell you the truth that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled and those who humble themselves will be exalted.’”

Jesus shocks his listeners by saying it’s the tax collector, not the religious leader, who went home justified before God. It’s the exact opposite of what you might think. Jesus is saying that the first step to heaven is admitting that you’re a sinner and that you can’t save yourself. In other words, understanding the good news starts by admitting the bad news.

However, this is only bad news if you decide to trust in your own goodness, your own works, and your own moral righteousness compared to other people. If you do this, Jesus says you are far from heaven.

Nothing But Jesus

Pastor Tim Keller, who has now passed away, had a huge influence on my life and many others. I remember he used to say, “All you need to get to heaven is nothing, but very few people have it.”

In other words, if you show up on judgment day with your arms full of good works and say, “God, you owe me. It’s now time for you to pay up for all the good things that I’ve done in life,” you’ll be turned away.

But if you show up knowing you have nothing but Jesus, you’ll be accepted and welcomed. In fact, if your faith is in him, you are already accepted and welcomed today. The way home to God is through humility, admitting that you’re a sinner, and seeing your need for God’s mercy.

The Promise of Forgiveness

The most spiritually promising words you can say are, “I don’t think I’m okay. In fact, I know that I’m not.” God doesn’t wait for you to fix yourself or prove yourself or perform for him at a certain level of moral righteousness before you can come to him.

That’s not what the Bible teaches. If heaven were a reward for being important or for having status, that means that only the good people and those who grew up in the best of homes and went to the finest of schools will be there. But it’s not. It’s for sinners. It’s for people who have no hope. That’s all of us.

That’s why Christianity has been so attractive to the poor, to the marginalized, to the outcast, to those who know in this world they have no hope. It really is ‘the good news’. It’s good news for politicians, for the poor, for prisoners, and everyone in between.

Heaven isn’t a reward. It’s a gift. The life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus opens the way not for the worthy, but for the weary. Not for the polished, but for the poor in spirit. Not for the upwardly mobile, but for the brokenhearted who cry out and say, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

If you think back on your life and remember your worst day on this earth, you probably wish you could go back and choose to not sin and live that day differently or that time in your life differently. But whatever you’ve done, you can be forgiven in Jesus.

Putting Your Doubts to Rest

You’ve probably wondered, am I okay with God? Have I done enough? Is there hope for someone like me? The gospel answers, you haven’t. You never could. But Jesus has. And he lived the life you should live. He fulfilled the law perfectly in your place.

He died the death that should have been your punishment, and he rose from the dead and conquered death for you so that you may live for eternity with him. His invitation to us still stands. Come to me, all who are weary and burdened in your sins, and I will give you rest.

The question that I leave you with today is: Have you found your hope in Jesus? Are you repenting of your sin? Do you see him as your Savior, as the only one that can save you, and are you following him with your life? If you have any doubts at all, you can pray the sinner’s prayer:

• Acknowledge that you are a sinner in need of forgiveness.

• Repent of your sins before God and state your desire to turn away from sin.

• Believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins and rose from the dead.

• Surrender to Jesus and receive him as your Lord and Savior.

If you pray this prayer, please drop us a line at withyouintheweeds@thecrossingchurch.com. We’d love to know about your new relationship with Jesus. If you know someone who struggles with doubt or has never given their life to Jesus, please share this post with them, and let them know how much you care.

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Recommended Resources

Two books by Pastor Erwin Lutzer:

One Minute After You Die - What does the Bible teach about death and heaven? Be prepared for your own final moment.

How You Can Be Sure You Will Spend Eternity with God - Will good deeds get me into heaven? Is it wrong to doubt my salvation, and what do I do if I doubt?

You may have a complicated relationship with sadness. Perhaps you grew up in a home where feeling sad was considered disrespectful or distressing. Maybe sadness was viewed as a weakness or only seen as problem to solve.

In this perceptive episode of our ongoing How to Handle Life series, John will help you understand sadness better: why it feels so disorienting and uncomfortable; how Jesus is the ultimate example of engaging with grief from a place of strength; and the reason sadness isn’t the enemy of healing, but the path to it.

John draws a sharp distinction between depression and sadness. Depression is like a block of cement: heavy, stuck, and cut off from anything that would bring life. Sadness is something else entirely: a river that will carry you somewhere good if you’re willing to learn from it.

If you’ve ever wondered if any good could come from sadness—and why God allows grief in the ‘middle pages’ between Genesis and Revelation—you’ll want to listen in to John’s insight on this topic.

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Highlights from This Episode

As I sit here today to talk to you about sadness, I consider it a special opportunity. Over the years, I have used ‘sadness’ as a tool to help many of my clients. In fact, if I had only one thing I could teach my clients about how to handle life’s difficulties, traumas, and disappointments, it would be learning how to grow through sadness.

You’ve probably experienced a time in your life when pain rushed in like rapids, almost powerful enough to sweep you away. When you felt loss, pain, disconnection, or trauma, you most likely instinctively swam toward one of two riverbanks to try and find safety.

The first riverbank is one you may know well: blocking the pain. You fight your feelings, go numb, avoid, blame, deny, and shut down. This response is an act of self-protection, but staying on this bank leads to bitterness, isolation, and a slow kind of emotional flatness. You don’t move forward, you just stay stuck.

The second riverbank is different, and it’s harder to choose: it’s using the pain as a school—a place that teaches you how to learn, grow, and navigate what life brings you. It’s the riverbank that you may have never learned to turn to.

You Were Never Designed for Loss

Why is loss so disorienting in the first place? It’s because you weren’t built for it. Genesis 1 and 2 describe a world with nothing but goodness: unbroken connection with God; no shame, no separation. Then Genesis 3 arrives, and with it, loss enters the picture. And it never really leaves. Everything between the opening pages of Genesis and the final chapters of Revelation is loss—big losses and small ones, macro and micro.

Big losses are easy to identify: the death of someone you love, a health crisis, deep betrayal, chronic illness, the end of a career. But there are other losses that you may overlook, like being misunderstood at a meeting, left out of a group trip, unjustly maligned by a friend, or unable to connect with your spouse no matter how hard you try. These feel small, but they register as real loss.

There may even be loss from obedience—the genuine grief that comes from saying no to something you want because you’re choosing to follow God instead.

None of it is small. All of it belongs in the river.

Jesus, the Man of Sorrows

When you’re swept down the river of sadness, it’s a time to see Jesus as the ultimate model for entering grief rather than avoiding it. Isaiah 53 describes him as “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief”, not because he was frail or broken, but because he engaged with loss honestly and fully.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus experienced the weight of obedience in the most profound way imaginable. He faced unbelievable suffering because he had stepped from perfection into imperfection. Yet his sadness was not weakness. In fact, it was incredible strength channeled into the right response to a broken world.

This reframe matters. If Jesus—fully human, fully God, who did life the right way—was a man of sorrows, then sadness isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s something to be learned from.

The ‘Science’ of Sadness

Here’s something about sadness that might surprise you: sadness is actually compassion turned inward. When you choose sadness over avoidance, you’re actually doing something radical: you’re connecting with the part of yourself that’s hurting instead of abandoning it.

That connection is a form of love. When love meets pain, something shifts. The pain doesn’t disappear, but it’s no longer alone. The Latin root of the word comfort is com (with) + fortis (strength, fortress). Comfort isn’t just a warm feeling. It’s fortifying. Sadness leads to comfort, and comfort leads to strength. That’s not a platitude. That’s how grief is designed to work.

Think about a child who skins their knee and starts crying, then immediately wants to get up and play again the moment mom or dad shows up. The child wasn’t comforted because the pain went away. The child was strengthened because they were no longer alone.

Three Scenes from Real Life

Here are three scenes where choosing sadness over avoidance actually changes the outcome:

1. In marriage, when you can’t seem to get through to your spouse no matter how hard you try, the temptation is to fight, because a bad connection feels safer than no connection at all. But choosing sadness instead sounds like this: I’m sad that you can’t see my heart right now. I wish things were different. It doesn’t fix the disconnection in the moment, but it keeps you from building a wall.

2. With anger, sadness works as a kind of diffuser. Instead of becoming angry about being angry, or shutting down entirely, you can choose compassion for the part of you that feels powerless over it. I really wish anger weren’t such a struggle for me. I’m sad about that. That simple act begins to shrink what felt unmanageable.

3. In spiritual dryness, instead of generating more willpower or white-knuckling your way toward growth, you can step into the sadness of not being where you want to be. Lord, I’m not in control of my growth. You are. And I’m sad that I’m not where I want to be. That honesty opens the door for grace in a way that striving never does.

Where the River Takes You

The river of sadness doesn’t just move—it takes you somewhere. Psalm 30:5 puts it simply: “Weeping may stay the night, but joy comes in the morning.” That joy isn’t the same as happiness. Happiness is tied to circumstance and it comes and goes.

Joy is the quiet strength that comes from knowing you are not alone, and that you are going to be okay. It’s what Paul found in 2 Corinthians when God sent Titus to him in the middle of his suffering. It’s what the crying child on the playground finds when mom or dad kneels down. It’s what you find when you choose to swim toward the riverbank of growth.

A Closing Thought

There will come a day when every tear is wiped away and there is no more sadness. But you don’t live there yet. You live in the middle chapters, between the garden and Jesus’ return, where loss is real and grief is the way through it. Not around it. Not over it. Through it.

No matter what you are facing right now, there is a way through the sadness, and it leads to something incredible. That’s the way life is done according to God’s design as demonstrated by Jesus, the man of sorrows.

How can you grow from sadness? Start small. Think of one loss from this week—even something minor—and instead of resenting it or shutting down, try naming it. I really wanted that, and I’m sad I didn’t get it. See where the river takes you. It might take you further than you think.

In this thoughtful installment of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Lynn and Shay discuss the many and varied responsibilities of ministry, the complicated dynamics that many pastors face as they gain success and notoriety, and how Christian leaders can benefit from personal therapy and soul work.

They’ll also talk about 5 ways to respond when your pastor fails, including acknowledging your feelings and seeking support, exercising discernment about who you follow, and remembering that God’s work through the church cannot be thwarted even through imperfect people.

Lynn brings the unique perspective of being both a pastor’s daughter and a pastor’s wife, along with insights from her counseling research on the splitting that can happen when leaders present a façade of spirituality while concealing unhealed pain and ongoing sin. Shay, having served in Christian ministry for more than 30 years, speaks from the pastor’s side of the table, sharing openly about the real challenges of life and leadership in ministry.

If you’ve ever wrestled with the fact that spiritual leaders are capable of great good but also serious failure, you’ll want to listen in as Lynn and Shay acknowledge the pain of pastoral failure while helping you re-center your faith on Christ.

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Highlights of Lynn & Shay’s Conversation

Lynn: There are few things more disorienting for a church community than watching a trusted pastor fall. It can shake your confidence, stir up powerful feelings of grief and anger, and even make you doubt your faith. Even if you have never been faced with your own pastor’s failures, there are many public failures of Christian leaders, pastors, and organizations that can shake your faith foundation.

Today, we want to thoughtfully explore why these failures happen, what they reveal about the human heart, and how Christians can respond in a way that shows both truth and grace. Shay, as the resident pastor for WYITW, can you share a bit about your view of pastoral ministry and the responsibilities that come with it?

Shay: Let me start with the premise that godly leadership really is important to the health of a church and the body of Christ. I’ve talked with people who were in churches where the pastor committed a grievous sin and it caused them to walk away from the faith for a long time. When we hear stories of hypocrisy and moral failure, we are rightfully hurt and at times wonder, is the Christian faith even true?

Lynn: Shay, I’ve told you this for years, but after growing up in the church, I think that when someone wants to be in full-time ministry, they should be required to go through their own therapy process because there are underlying issues that have never been addressed that play out when a person is in a position of power and influence over others.

Shay: I think you’re right, Lynn. Most pastors are serving their churches faithfully, day in day out, sometimes under difficult circumstances. Most of them want to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant” on the day of judgment. But even after someone is saved, they are not sanctified. That’s a lifelong process. If you have narcissistic tendencies or control issues, and you lead a church, those sinful tendencies will carry over into your ministry.

Lynn: Shay, is it fair to say that when you went into ministry straight out of college, there were things in your life and your childhood that you hadn’t addressed at the age of 22, and it’s been a process of you recognizing and working through those things?

Shay: Yes, that’s totally fair. I’ve grown in wisdom, theology, and matured over time as I’ve developed a philosophy of ministry. But that has taken years of character development through some painful lessons. And even doing this podcast with a team of counselors has helped me understand what it means that I have the traits of an adult child of an alcoholic because of how I grew up. It’s taken me time to acknowledge that and deal with them.

The Inner Life of a Pastor

Lynn: There is a collective, guttural groan felt among God’s people when a pastor or other Christian leader’s shameful behavior is exposed. We wonder how someone who knows so much, studied the Bible for so long, and served God with such passion could engage in blatant self-destructive behavior to the point of disqualifying themselves for ministry. Failure in ministry forces us to look at issues of pride, idolatry and ultimately the capacity of the human heart for duplicity and self-deception.

Shay: Pastors are ordinary human beings. We often struggle with the very same sins that people in our church struggle with. Sometimes you may feel self-righteous when you think about a pastor’s downfall, almost believing that you aren’t susceptible to the same sins. That’s where humility plays an important role.

Even though pastors are ordinary people, we get tasked to do divine, extraordinary things. We preach and teach God’s word. We disciple people and equip them for acts of service. We’re there for special moments in people’s lives, like the birth of a child and the death of a loved one. But ultimately your pastor isn’t your savior, they’re a flawed human being.

Lynn: The more skilled a pastor is, the more aware they need to be of their vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They’re going to gain followers and receive praise. And, if they’re elevated to a position of leadership before their character has been tested, they are going to be tempted by success.

Shay: The praise of others can be a dangerous thing, because it can fan the flames of pride and open the door of the heart’s capacity for self-deception. A pastor can begin to think, “The growth, the success, is all happening because of ME.” Then the ego can take over.

Lynn: Every pastor arrives in ministry already shaped by their family of origin, their wounds, their unmet longings, and their insecurities. When pastors don’t feel like they can be honest about their struggles, they develop a “manager” part—a well-trained public persona that says the right things, preaches compellingly, and appears spiritually mature—while unaddressed pain or sin keeps quietly accumulating underneath.

The lonelier and more isolated a pastor becomes, the more that hidden world is at risk of blowing everything apart. I’ve long believed that requiring some form of personal therapy or soul work as part of ministry isn’t a luxury; it’s a form of protection, for the pastor and for the people they serve. It’s just as important as learning Greek and Hebrew in seminary.

Shay: That’s why the Apostle Paul tells Timothy to do two things: “Watch your life and your doctrine closely.” Pastors must guard church doctrine from outside threats but also guard the church from their own sin. There’s also a spectrum of severity when it comes to a pastor’s failures. A pastor who struggles with the sins of pride or anger but is making effort to address those issues is different from a pastor who has an affair, enables abuse, or commits crimes.

Lynn: That’s helpful background on what it’s like to be a pastor and the complicated reasons why pastors fall into serious sin. But what we’d like to do now is focus on you, the person in the congregation who has attended faithfully, prayed for your pastor, trusted in church leadership, tried to maintain realistic expectations, and yet been deeply hurt, or even betrayed by the sinful actions of a church leader or pastor.

What are you to do, think, and feel when this happens?

5 Responses to Your Pastor’s Failures

1. Acknowledge your feelings of loss and betrayal and allow yourself to grieve. You were not wrong to expect your pastor to be upright, honest, and godly. Seek support from a seasoned spiritual mentor, Christian counselor, or trusted friends as you process your grief and heal. Stepping away from your church and seeking spiritual nourishment from other sources for a time might be helpful.

You may need to engage legal counsel or pursue an outside authority to examine what has happened in your specific situation if there’s been criminal action. Seeking justice and accountability is appropriate.

2. Remind yourself that your faith is in God, his Word, and his promises, not in people. God has chosen to do his work here on earth through sinful humans. That means that no church leader or pastor is perfect. But it doesn’t mean that the gospel isn’t still true. Separate God’s holiness from people’s flaws and place your ultimate hope in Christ.

3. Be discerning about who you follow. We live in a celebrity culture where it’s easy to get drawn into bright, shiny, well-spoken leaders, authors, and teachers and ignore red flags. Be careful who you trust. Don’t be quick to jump on someone’s bandwagon. Even when you exercise discernment, you can still get it wrong—but you will always be able to depend on Jesus.

4. Beware of religious leaders who don’t have any accountability. There are many popular leaders that do not operate within an accountability structure. They consolidate power and insulate themselves from anyone who can speak truth. Or they put their friends on the leadership committees so they don’t have anyone who can tell them “no”. This is a dangerous situation that is ripe for abuse of power.

5. Remember the role of the church in Christian life. God has ordained the church to be the bride of Christ, to be the place where we learn and grow and fellowship with others. It’s humbling to remember that God sometimes builds his church in spite of, not because of, church leaders.

When you join a church, you can know from the start that it is not perfect. No church is! But you can still look for a church where the leadership demonstrates a desire to follow Jesus and is genuinely seeking godliness, holiness, and humility.

When Pastors Fail, Christ Remains

Shay: The leaders who have impacted me most are those who can humble themselves, admit when they’re wrong, and ask for forgiveness. Pastors who display a teachable spirit and a desire to please God and point others to Christ. I have always prayed to be this kind of pastor, and that God raises up pastors like this to continue his church.

Lynn: When a pastor fails, it can feel like a spiritual earthquake and be very disruptive to your faith. But the failure of a shepherd does not mean the Shepherd has failed you. Jesus is not exposed by anyone’s hypocrisy. He is not diminished by anyone’s sin.

If anything, disillusionment with pastors and other Christian leaders is a reminder to fix your eyes on Jesus. You don’t have to minimize what happened, and as you process the cost of forgiveness in your life, you can be reminded that forgiveness doesn’t equate to or require reconciliation or restored trust. Our hope is that you can slowly, carefully rebuild your faith—not in a personality, but in Christ, who is faithful and true.

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In this compassionate episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Austin takes a different approach. Instead of asking how to get out of singleness, he’ll talk about how to navigate it well right where you are. He’ll be sharing 5 practical ways to approach singleness with honesty, courage, and faith.

Before you assume this conversation only applies if you’re currently single, don’t tune out just yet. Many people move in and out of seasons of singleness over the course of their lives. As you listen, you’ll get perspective and wisdom that will help you hold the multi-faceted experience of being single while simultaneously loving, following, and trusting Jesus.

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Highlights from this Episode

As I talk about this topic today, “singleness” means someone who is not in a romantic relationship of any kind. So if you’re dating, engaged, or married, you don’t qualify. But even if you are in a relationship, I’ll tell you why you should still listen to this episode in a second.

In this episode I’m going to give you some tactics for how to handle singleness. Notice I said handle singleness, not solve or fix it. Despite what secular culture might be telling you; despite what the church might be telling you; and even despite what you might be telling yourself, being single isn’t something to “solve”.

For those of you who aren’t single, here are two reasons to listen to this episode:

1. You might be single again at some point in your life. If you’re dating, you might break up. If you’re engaged, as devastating as that might be, you might call it off. And hardest of all: if you’re married, one day you might be divorced or widowed. We all hope those kinds of things won’t happen, but we live in a fallen world where this is a reality.

2. The second reason to listen is that you’ve probably got single people in your life that you care about. By listening to this episode you’ll be able to get some wisdom and perspective that will help you understand their experience and you’ll be able to love and serve them in meaningful ways.

For those of you who are single, let me address something you might be asking yourself: why am I, Austin, worth listening to on this subject? I’m married, so what do I know about being single? It’s like a game of musical chairs, where the person who has found a seat is trying to give encouragement to the person still looking for a seat. If I heard that I’d be like, “Shut up. You’ve got a seat! You no longer have the problem I’ve got!”

That’s fair pushback, but I ask you to trust my perspective on this issue because there were many years of my life where I was single. Even though it’s been a long time, I can remember what those times were like. I’ve also worked with clients who have shared their thoughts and fears with me openly and honestly.

In addition, I have several good friends who are single and have been kind enough to let me in on their experience; they’ve shared their struggles, the things they’re fighting to believe, and the well-meaning but unhelpful advice they’ve gotten from others. I’ve used my own experiences as well as the experiences of others to develop the tactics I’m going to share with you.

5 Tactics to Handle Being Single

1. Notice your internal dialogue. You were made for relational connection. While you may have a connection to a parent, child, or friend, the deepest form of intimate connection is the marital relationship. If you long to experience this connection with another person and haven’t found it yet, of course you’re going to be annoyed and frustrated and view singleness as a trial.

Don’t try to shut your internal voice down but instead notice it and listen to what it’s saying. There is also another voice in there that may be quieter than your internal voice. This voice reminds you that singleness is a gift. It reminds you that Jesus himself was single yet lived a fulfilled, meaningful, joy-filled and satisfying life.

Rather than trying to solve these voices or have one voice ‘defeat’ the other, allow both of them to exist. This will help you be less reactive and more responsive. It will ease the frustration and stress that can come with this internal civil war.

2. Discern and validate your dreams and fears. Take the time to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Often your dreams and fears come from the part of you that views singleness as a trial. Your dream is to find your person and be in a romantic relationship. Your fear is that you’ll be single and alone the rest of your life, which means you have no value, you’re unlovable, and there is something inherently wrong with you.

Instead, you can validate your dreams and fears with compassion: “I can see why I’m worried that if this doesn’t work out I’ll never find anyone again,” “It makes sense that I want to be in a relationship because then I’ll possibly be able to get married and have kids, which has been my dream as long as I can remember,” “Of course I’m hoping that she’ll say yes because then I won’t be the only one in my friend group who is single.”

3. Accept and let go. This isn’t a one-time tactic, but one that you might need to practice over and over. Accept the fears. Let the worst-case scenario land: you might not ever be in a relationship. You might be the perpetual third wheel. You might have to endure the whispers of family members or friends asking, “What’s wrong with them? Why aren’t they in a relationship?”

You’ll have to get familiar with the ache of being lonely. You don’t have to like it, but you have to get familiar with it. But how? Admit to yourself what the fear is. Stop minimizing it or dismissing it. Acknowledge it. You likely will have to grieve. You have to remember who is with you despite your lack of a significant other—Jesus. He knows this ache because he was never in a married, and he wasn’t a robot!

This is why Paul could write this in 1 Corinthians 7:6-8: “I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” Don’t pass over that too quickly: Paul viewed his singleness as a gift, and he remembered who he could rely on while single.

If you can accept your fears and let go of your dreams, you’ll avoid the trap of dating someone who isn’t a Christian. The Bible explicitly commands Christians to date Christians. It’s tempting to think, “Maybe I can change them. Maybe they’ll come around and begin following Jesus because of me.” God can do anything, but usually, the opposite happens. The Christian in the relationship changes and compromises.

4. Cultivate friendships. Being single doesn’t mean being alone. Singleness and isolation are not synonymous. While you might not have a romantic relationship, you still have the opportunity to cultivate and develop friendships with your peers. You can seek out married friends that are your age and enjoy life together. Go to movies and concerts together. Offer to come over regularly and hang out with a couple or a family.

You can be the friend who benefits from the pleasantness of other friends, and you can be the one who blesses others with your own pleasantness. Your presence among your friends is what makes all the difference. You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to add value. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one friend sharpens another.” You will be sharpened by other friends, but you get to do the sharpening as well!

5. Live without fear. That doesn’t mean you will never experience the emotion of fear. Rather, to live without fear means that you don’t let it guide your life, paralyze you, or send you into a panic. To live without fear means you ride the waves of other emotions that will undoubtedly come.

Some days you might be completely content in your singleness and will be able to relax knowing that even if you never find a romantic relationship, Jesus is enough. Some days you might be angry and frustrated and bitter towards God, wondering why you’re here and why he can’t just give you someone.

To live without fear means listening to and acknowledging the different voices in your head: the one that views singleness as a gift and the one that views singleness as a trial. To live without fear means settling into the idea that God may never give you a clear answer to the question, “Will I always be single?”

To live without fear means having the self-control and fortitude and patience to not give in to sexual temptation that the secular culture says is inevitable. To live without fear means that if you succumb to temptation, you remember that Jesus welcomes you back with open arms because he has died and risen for your sins.

To live without fear means continuing to have the courage to continue to be vulnerable to your friends and mentors, trusting that they are interested in carrying your burdens with you. If you’re in a relationship or married, this is a gift you can give to single people. Remind them that they can come to you anytime, and you will not grow tired or exasperated with them. Promise you won’t try to “fix them”, give them advice when it’s not wanted, or play matchmaker.

Finally, to live without fear is to trust Jesus enough to continue to ask boldly for what you want, yet end each prayer the way he did in Luke 22: “Father, not my will, but your will be done.”

Finding Purpose While Single

Singleness may not be the story you expected for your life right now, but it doesn’t mean your life is on hold. Your worth, your purpose, and your ability to love and be loved are not dependent on your relationship status. Whether this season lasts a short time or a lifetime, Jesus is present with you in it. You can keep hoping and praying honestly for what you want, and at the same time trust that your life has meaning, dignity, and value, no matter what your relationship status is.

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Estrangement is one of the most painful and misunderstood experiences in family life, yet it’s far more common than most people realize. Whether you’ve made the hard decision to step away from a relationship or you’ve been cut off by someone you love, your pain and grief are real.

In this thoughtful episode of our How to Handle Life series, Lynn walks through what estrangement actually is, why it happens, and how it impacts a family on multiple levels. Accepting reality is difficult but is often the first step toward real relief, like cleaning out a wound so it can actually heal.

She’ll share 5 hard but essential truths for anyone navigating estrangement, including why reconciliation isn’t guaranteed, how to navigate the feelings of grief and loss, and insight about the ripple effects of estrangement.

Most importantly, this episode presents genuine hope: healing and growth are possible for you even if the relationship is never restored. If you’re carrying the weight of an estranged relationship, this episode could be your turning point.

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Highlights from this Episode

You may have noticed that the topic of estranged relationships has become a big part of cultural conversations and social media headlines in recent years. Maybe you saw that Oprah recently interviewed psychologists and family members on her podcast about the rising trend of going ‘no contact’.

As a therapist, I have worked with clients who have made the difficult decision to go ‘no contact’ and those on the receiving end of a cutoff as well. Because I can feel the hurt and pain on both sides of this equation, this episode is coming to you from my heart. My heart hurts every time I think of this topic because estrangement always involves unresolved, unhealed hurt that ends a relationship.

A person experiencing an estranged relationship feels emotionally haunted, troubled, and often preoccupied with persistent memories, regrets, and unanswered questions. There is a deep grief over the loss of a loved one who is still alive, but the relationship is dead. Often, the loss of this relationship is something you probably never anticipated in your wildest dreams.

When it comes to estrangement, it is tempting to take sides or establish parameters for when estrangement is warranted or when it seems unjustified. However, no two situations are the same. The history and context of the depth of injury, the level of accountability, power dynamics, failed repair attempts, and the willingness (or unwillingness) of both parties to move towards reconciliation all factor into a person’s decision to separate themselves from another person.

I’ve had to accept that there are three sides to every story: each party’s side and the objective truth. Here is what I do know: when a person makes the decision to go ‘no contact’ with a family member, it is not typically a decision that is made lightly, nor is it a decision made hastily without considering the repercussions. For example, if an adult child chooses this path with their parent, it is likely after repeated, failed attempts at working towards some kind of resolution or healing with a parent.

Ending a relationship with a parent is a very difficult, unfortunate, and painful last resort for your own safety, sanity, or well-being, and my heart goes out to you. If you are a parent cut off with no chance of reconciliation, you probably feel hopeless and helpless and my heart goes out to you as well.

Because of the complexity of this issue, I am not going to act as a judge or jury on whether or not someone has legitimate grounds to end a relationship. Instead, I’m going to define estrangement, explain its key features, and share 5 truths that you’ll need to accept in order to process the pain of estrangement.

The Pain of Intentional Distance

Let’s look at a definition of what estrangement is:

Estrangement in a relationship is a deliberate, sustained, and significant reduction or complete cutoff of meaningful contact and emotional connection between two people who were once close. Most often, this is with a family member, like a parent and an adult child or a couple of siblings, but it can also occur between spouses, close friends, or extended relatives.

Here are some key defining features of an estranged relationship:

1. It’s intentional distance: one or both parties actively choose to limit or end communication rather than simply growing apart because of life circumstances.

2. There’s little to no communication: no sharing of life updates, feelings, emotions, or vulnerability. Contact, if any, is superficial, driven by conflict, and handled by a third party like a friend, family member, or even attorney.

3. It’s persistent: it lasts months or years or ends up being permanent.

4. There’s an underlying rupture to the relationship: accumulated hurts, unmet needs, value clashes, betrayal, significant abuse, trauma, or major boundary violations accumulate until they are unbearable for one party.

I’m currently reading through the Bible using the Bible Recap app, so I’ve had a front row seat to watching families implode. The first family we encounter in Genesis experiences one brother murdering his other brother—the story of Cain killing Abel out of jealousy, rage, and spite. Then you read the story of Jacob and Esau, whose relationship fractures over favoritism and deception, resulting in years of separation and estrangement.

These stories are not models of how we should be doing relationship, but they reflect that this is how messy and painful life can be. Remember that families have been messy from the beginning of time. If you find yourself experiencing the pain of estrangement, you are part of the reality of the human condition.

5 Essential Truths to Accepting Estrangement

1. Estrangement is actually more common than most people realize, and it’s rarely sudden or impulsive. It’s not rare or extreme or a recent trend as headlines might have you believe. Studies show that 1-in-5 families experience some form of it; as many as 27% of U.S. adults report estrangement from a family member, with parent-child cases being the most frequent.

In many cases, adult children initiate ‘no contact’ after years of accumulated hurts, family drama, unresolved patterns of conflict, or incompatible belief systems. Accepting that estrangement is common may normalize your experience and help you be realistic about the fact that from the beginning of time there have been family fractures that have ended familial relationships.

2. You can’t control the other person’s perspective, timeline, or decision to reconnect or not reconnect. If someone has initiated a cutoff with you, they likely see it as necessary for their mental health and well-being, even if you view it differently. Accepting this truth means releasing the need to convince them otherwise.

Instead, you can focus on your own healing and deeply consider the reasons they have given you for ending the relationship. This is hard because you each have a different perception of what has occurred in the relationship. But it is an opportunity for you to grow even if the relationship is never repaired.

3. The pain is real and valid on both sides, but reconciliation isn’t guaranteed, and it may never happen. Estrangement causes ambiguous loss, which is grieving someone who is still alive, and the feelings that accompany ambiguous loss are typically shame, isolation, and ongoing waves of sadness or anger. For the cut-off person, it can bring feelings of guilt or loneliness. For the initiator of the cut-off, it might bring a sense of relief, but it also feels heavy.

If you were the person who was cut-off, and the opportunity for reconciliation is extended, one thing that I want you to consider is to write a letter of amends. This is where your self-reflection and inner work can be of great benefit. It would be best if you do this with support and guidance of a wise friend or a counselor.

In a letter of amends, the first thing you would do is take responsibility for yourself. This means acknowledging specific behaviors, not just general mistakes. So instead of saying, “I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect,” you might say, “I know my words hurt you when I said ____.”

After that, validate the other person’s perspective. This involves stepping into the other person’s reality and seeing things from their point of view, even if you don’t fully agree with their interpretation. As much as you want to, and perhaps have reason to, don’t justify your actions or blame the other person.

Next, show empathy by expressing understanding for the pain that your actions have caused. Statements like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I did the best I could,” avoid accountability. Instead, “I understand why you are upset,” and “I apologize for my actions,” foster genuine connection.

Finally, focus on a future change. Even if there is reconciliation, things are not going to return to the way they were before. Be prepared for your letter to be received with silence or even anger. It’s not a guarantee towards reconciliation. But it can be an important step to make amends and take ownership of your actions.

4. Estrangement ripples outward and affects the whole family system. It’s not just “between two people”. Grandkids may never meet their grandparents; siblings and in-laws are pulled into taking sides. Holidays feel fractured and extended family dynamics shift. You will likely lose more than just one relationship when estrangement occurs, which makes it complicated and complex.

Accepting this reality allows you to protect your own peace and avoid triangulation, because chances are you’ll be approached by other well-meaning family members who just want peace to be restored and encourage a quick fix to a gaping wound. Again, this is where having a wise friend, spiritual mentor, or counselor who understands the complexity of your situation can help you navigate these conversations.

5. Healing and growth are possible for you, even without reconciliation. Forgiveness, which is a choice to release another person from the debt they owe you, can facilitate your emotional freedom without excusing harm or forcing contact. You can grieve, humbly self-reflect by owning any role you may have played in the breakdown of the relationship, and lean into healthy relationships where you feel safe and cared for.

If you initiated a cutoff, keep a soft heart and maintain a posture of humility and a spirit of prayer for continual wisdom for your particular situation. Our previous episodes on how to handle difficult people and how to forgive someone who has hurt you would be a great resource for you as you consider how to approach your situation with biblical wisdom.

Entrusting the Outcome to God

In the end, you can entrust justice to God. He will settle all disputes when Jesus returns. Many people who are on this journey dealing with an estranged relationship find deeper empathy, resilience, and purpose through the pain, and their haunted regret can become scarred-over wisdom. The relationship may never return to what it was, but you can still live fully.

Seek support from safe places and safe people. In particular, if you are going to have any planned contact with someone that you have been estranged from, being able to talk through it with a friend or a therapist before and after will help you process the emotions that will come from that interaction.

Remember that although you’ve lost a relationship, this doesn’t mean that you can’t grow and heal through other people. We are wounded in relationships, but we also heal in relationships. I want you to see this lost relationship as an opportunity for growth, maturing, and forming your identity around the one relationship that is constant and unchanging: your relationship with Jesus.

These truths aren’t easy, but accepting them often brings relief and opens the door to peace, whether reconnection happens or not. I’m going to end with this simple verse in 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety upon the Lord, for he cares for you.” I hope you can give the heaviness of your estranged relationship to God because he sees your tears, he knows your hurt, he understands your loss, and he cares about you.

But what if the very thing you’re trying to hide is actually an invitation?

In this meaningful episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, John talks about what it means to feel anger toward God and why bringing that anger into the light might be one of the most transformative steps in your spiritual life.

You’ll discover why it’s okay to be angry, the way that anger protests and protects, what anger can teach you about your soul, and how to use lament to communicate your anger to God in a healthy way.

If you’ve ever wrestled with God in the dark, this conversation is for you.

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Highlights from this Episode

You might be surprised that anger with God is not only okay, but it’s key to your growth and intimacy with God. There are times in the Bible where God’s people were brazenly open with God about their anger, and God welcomed it. But we should address two objections you might have at the outset about being angry with God.

1) You think anger is wrong and unfair to God. It feels like being dishonest about God’s characteristics: he always does the right thing, he’s always good, he knows what’s best for you—so if you are angry with him, you are wrong. One of the astonishing things we can learn from the Psalms is this: God invites you to be “real” about your experiences and even misperceptions of him.

God only deals in reality and what he sees, he hears. He invites you to see into your heart—even your foulest thoughts—and bring those to him. The only unforgivable sin is not anger; it’s denying Jesus. Just like kids get angry with their parents, you are going to experience anger with God and he can handle it.

2) You’re afraid that if you are angry with God it will separate you from him. It will ruin your relationship with him, and he will be mad at you. Many of you grew up in a home where anger was not allowed. As an adult, you feel that anger in any form is bad and more importantly, that you are bad for feeling angry. You carry this over into your relationship with God and hide your anger from him.

You need a reframe of how to think about anger and how to handle anger with God. I want to help you see anger as a key part of your growth and that when engaged honestly, it can draw you closer to God.

Getting Curious About Your Anger

In Ephesians 4, it says, “Be angry, but in your anger do not sin.” You are commanded by the Apostle Paul to be angry! It is not your duty to suppress it or sugar-coat it. In Paul’s day, there were two very large schools of thought about anger and neither of them fit into Paul’s prescription for handling anger:

• The Stoics thought that anger was terrible and should be suppressed. Today that might show up as, “I’m not angry, I’m just frustrated, worried, or anxious.”

• The Epicureans said to get away from it and rise above it. A modern version is to use avoidance, denial, and distraction.

You probably do both of these at times, and neither one lines up with God’s design, nor do they allow you to use anger for good. Here is a simple starting point for understanding anger as God has designed it: Anger is put into you by God; it is part of being created in his image and therefore is a precious thing.

In the Bible you see God being angry; it is one of his attributes. In Psalm 7 it says, “God is angry with the wicked every day.” Love and anger are never mutually exclusive in God’s character. He is angry about the destruction that evil brings to his world and the ways it mars the beauty of his creation.

Jesus is angry frequently in the New Testament, and he didn’t sin, so obviously there is a place for anger that is very much like Jesus. When you deeply understand anger, it provides a structure for becoming aware of the inner workings of your heart. This is what God wants to draw out in you in order to bring progressive, incremental healing.

Differences Between Our Anger and God’s Anger

God’s anger always goes in a good direction. It is honed in on destroying the things that ruin his creation. Your anger, on the other hand, can be very easily channeled into self-serving purposes. Anger is motivating and powerful and it must be channeled properly to be effective.

It helps to understand that anger comes about for two reasons:

• A protest: something that should not be; a blocked goal or desire

• A protection: something is threatening goodness, or something you love

Analyze your anger using these two lenses to discover what is going on behind the scenes—what’s motivating your anger? At this point you’re not looking at anger as right or wrong, you’re just trying to get curious and understand it. The process of looking at your anger is called reflection and discernment.

You can ask yourself these two questions:

• Is there something that I’m protesting or defending?

• Is there something that I’m protecting?

Your anger tells you something about what you most deeply care about. Sometimes you care most deeply about the things that you want to control. Sometimes you care most deeply about the things God cares about, but you don’t know it until you explore the root of your anger.

Permission to Lament

Since God is in control of all things, ultimately your anger is against how he has decided to run the world. Perhaps you deeply disagree with what God allows. That’s what Adam and Eve protested. They wanted God to run the world like they wanted, and ever since then humanity has been angry with God.

What does a parent do when their child is angry about a boundary or guideline? A wise, loving parent invites the child to share it. At church, you often hear things like “It doesn’t make sense to get upset,” “God is always good, so let’s trust him”. The assumption is that if you trust God enough you can erase your struggles; that your faith, if you only had enough, would erase your fear and doubt. The problem is that these sayings don’t fit inside Christianity.

Instead, throughout the Scriptures we see lament—an outward expression of anger, confusion, anguish, despair and hopelessness directed towards God. The book of Psalms is filled with lament. Two-thirds of the Psalms are filled with what most of us would dare not speak before God. Yet God invites you to pray this way. Let’s look at an example.

Psalm 77

When I remember God, then I am disturbed;

When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint.

You have held my eyelids open;

I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

I have considered the days of old,

The years of long ago.

Will the Lord reject forever?

And will He never be favorable again?

Has His lovingkindness ceased forever?

Has His promise come to an end forever?

Has God forgotten to be gracious,

Or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion?

Then I said, “It is my grief,

That the right hand of the Most High has changed.”

To cry out to God with your doubts like the Psalmist does—to lament—is the context for surrender. But surrender is impossible without a prior, declared war. Christians may assume our conflict with God was finished when we were converted. Until that point, we were enemies of God. But the battle is not over with conversion—though it is the decisive victory that assures the outcome of the war, it is hardly the last and final fight.

There is a difference between lamenting and grumbling. A lament involves the energy to search, seek, and ask, and not shut down the quest for truth. A lament uses the language of pain, anger, and confusion to move toward God. A grumbler is moving away from God and building barriers to deeper faith by not engaging God honestly from the heart.

The language of lament is, oddly, the shadow side of faith. To whom do you vocalize the most intense, irrational, inarticulate anger? Would you do so with someone who could fire you or cast you out of a cherished position or relationship? No. You share your deepest anger with people you trust. Trusting God involves going into places of your heart where you are angry and feel like you are at odds with God.

Becoming a Missionary to Your Own Soul

Are you angry at God? If not right now, you will be at some point, because you have inherited a drive to do what is best for yourself and to tell God what that must be. When God contradicts your reasoning, or does something beyond your ability to comprehend, you will be angry. Deep in the recesses of your soul you are protesting something or trying to protect something.

Sharing your anger with God is like being a missionary to your soul—you are learning the native language of your heart, the deep customs of your heart’s culture, and the regions of your soul that have yet to be convinced that God is good and can be trusted no matter what.

The opposite of love isn’t anger: the opposite of love is apathy. If you are angry with God and open up to him in your anger, it’s because you care and because your relationship with him matters to you. And you’ll find that he will meet you in the depths of your dark heart—an honest place where you can be deeply loved and known by him.

As we continue our practical How to Handle Life series, Shay tackles one of the most common questions Christians ask: How do I know God’s will for my life? Modern life bombards us with endless choices (career, marriage, major life moves), often leaving us fearful we will miss God’s “perfect” path. But over-analyzing every detail and possible option can keep us paralyzed with anxiety or regret.

Drawing from insights in the book Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung, Shay will walk you through three biblical categories of God’s will and then get practical about two of the biggest decisions you might face: what career path to follow and who to marry.

As you listen or read, you’ll feel less pressure to decode a hidden blueprint and more confidence to faithfully follow Jesus right where you are.

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Highlights from this Episode

Today we’re going to be talking about the age-old question, “How can I know God’s will for my life?” This subject can be complicated when we look at the different parts of it, but it can also be simple if we keep the big picture in view. I’m not going to be able to cover every part of this topic today but hopefully give you a good overview and some guidelines you can use going forward.

When I was on staff with Campus Crusade, there was an evangelistic tool that we used called the Four Spiritual Laws. We would share that with people, and the very first spiritual law was, “God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.” It’s easy to wonder, if God has such a wonderful plan for my life, then why doesn’t he just tell me exactly what it is?

For example, if you’re a college student, what should your major be, or what kind of career do you want? Regarding relationships, should you get married, and if so to whom, and how many kids should you have? What job offer should you take? Should you stay in your current job, take a different job, or retire?

I’d like us to consider that maybe we have difficulty discovering God’s wonderful plan for our lives because he doesn’t intend to tell us exactly how to make all of our decisions. In other words, he’s not going to write in the sky for us or speak audibly to us. Maybe we’re even wrong to expect him to.

I’m going to give you three ways that you can think about God’s will and then talk about a couple of big decisions that most of us face in life. I’ve gleaned a lot of these thoughts from a pastor named Kevin DeYoung who wrote a book called Just Do Something.

3 Ways to Think About God’s Will

1. God’s will of decree. This refers to what God has ordained. In one sense, everything that comes to pass is according to God’s sovereign decree. And all that he decrees will ultimately come to pass. God’s will of decree cannot be thwarted. It is immutable and fixed. His will is sovereign over everything and everyone. That means nature and nations, animals and angels, spirits and Satan, good people and wicked people, and even disease and death.

This principle is stating that God’s will is what happens and what happens is according to God’s will. This is seen in many passages of Scripture. Romans 8:28 is a familiar example: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Listen to what Jesus says in Matthew 10: 29-30: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your father. But he says, but even the hairs of your head are all numbered.”

God doesn’t just plan out a few of the big decisions for your life. He knows the smallest sparrow and the grayest hair, and neither falls to the ground unless your heavenly father wills it. Your life unfolds according to his providence. And because of that, you can trust that he’s in control and has a purpose for all things. That’s a very comforting truth.

James says, “Listen up all who say today or tomorrow, we will go to this city or that city and do business.” We’d call that ‘making plans’. But James goes on to say, “You don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Instead, we should say, if it’s the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” The point isn’t that we always need to say, “…if it’s God’s will”, although that doesn’t hurt! It’s that we need to always remember that God is sovereign and nothing will happen outside of his will.

Even when it came to the death of Jesus, the Bible says that he was put to death by evil, lawless men, doing what they wanted to do, but also doing what God had planned and ordained all along to bring about the salvation of his people.

2. God’s will of desire. This refers to what God desires from us. If the will of decree is how things are, the will of desire is how things ought to be. Both of these are in Scripture.

God’s will of decree cannot be thwarted. But God’s will of desire, the way he wants us to live in terms of his moral will, can be disregarded by us. 1 John 2: 15-17 says, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions are not from the father, but from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires. But whoever does the will of God abides forever.”

The will of God in this passage is the way that God commands you to live. Doing the will of God means saying no to the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and pride in your possessions. In other words, the will of desire means that God asks you to do what is pleasing in his sight.

Deuteronomy 29:29 says, “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever that we may do all the words of his law.” This is the closest we come to finding the will of decree and the will of desire side by side in Scripture. God has secret things known only to him, but he also has revealed things that you are meant to know and obey.

It’s God’s will that you avoid sexual immorality. If you don’t, misery always follows because in a sense, you’re outside of his good plan for you. It’s God’s will that you give thanks in all things. It’s God’s will that you obey his commands to love others and love him with all your heart. You don’t have to pray about obeying God’s moral will. “Should I lie or not? Should I commit adultery or not?” The answer is obviously “no”. In some ways, that makes it simple to identify and obey God’s will.

The Bible says that God desires all to be saved. He desires for all of us to repent of our sins and trust Jesus as our Savior and as our Lord. In fact, Jesus’ invitation is to everyone. He says, “Come to me, those who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” That’s God’s will for your life. So in this sense, the will of God is not that mysterious. But it can be hard to follow.

3. God’s will of direction. This is where you ask, “Does God have a specific plan for my life?” Yes, God has a specific plan for your life. He’s created beforehand good works for you to do, as it says in Ephesians 2:10. You will often be able to trace God’s guiding hand when you look back on your life.

Yet God does not burden you with the task of divining a hidden, mysterious will and direction for your life. You should seek his wisdom. You can evaluate the pro and cons as you’re making decisions. You can ask others for advice. But his will is not a corn maze or a tightrope where one false move sends you spinning out of it.

Expecting God to reveal his hidden will of direction is an invitation to disappointment and indecision. He shows you the way of obedience and invites you to follow him. The problem is that you may think he’s going to tell you exactly what that wonderful plan is before it unfolds. You may feel like you need to know what God wants every step of the way, but such preoccupation with finding God’s will leads to misery.

The better way is the biblical way. Seek first the kingdom of God and then trust that he will take care of your needs. Make decisions and move along with life being faithful to Jesus along the way.

How to Make Life’s Biggest Decisions with Wisdom and Faith

There are lots of important decisions to make in life, but there are two big ones that many people wonder about so we’re going to focus on those: how to know what job to take and how to know who to marry. DeYoung’s book gives 4 steps that you can follow for both decisions:

Step 1: Search the Scriptures. There are moral principles that you can follow. Regarding the job, is it within the realm of God’s moral will for your life? Will it provide for your family? Are your God-given talents and abilities suited for the job? Regarding a spouse, the Bible makes it clear that you should only marry someone who loves the Lord and is living for him. It should be someone you enjoy spending time with, who has godly values and virtues, and who demonstrates genuine love and respect towards you.

Step 2: Get wise counsel from others. Many times the people in our lives know or have observed specific things about us that can guide us when making a career decision. Regarding your relationship, do your friends and family think that this is a good fit and that this person is helping you become the person that God intends you to be? Be open and willing to hear others’ thoughts and feedback.

Step 3: Pray about it. Pray for God to lead you to the right job or spouse—and also pray with a willing spirit to change course if the answer is “no”. Pay attention if you feel either internally unsettled or peaceful when you consider one option over another.

Step 4: Make the decision. You can move forward secure in the knowledge that you have sought God’s leading and followed his moral guidelines.

We’ve covered a lot in this episode, and as I said up top, there is more to God’s will than even these principles explain. But for now, I can sum up how to know God’s will fairly simply: Live for God, obey the Scriptures, be holy, and love Jesus.

Recommended Resource:

Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God’s Will by Kevin DeYoung

In this episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Austin tackles one of the Bible’s hardest commands: forgiving someone who has hurt you. Jesus’ words from the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us” sounds good, but it can feel impossible in the face of a painful offense.

Keep in mind that forgiveness isn’t the natural, human response to being hurt. In order to forgive, you will need God’s grace and strength, as well as a deep trust that one day he will bring justice to all wrongs done to you. The result? Relief from bitterness, the ability to move forward, and a visible sign of God’s kingdom breaking into everyday life.

Forgiving is much easier said than done, which is why we want to encourage and equip you to enter a process of forgiveness that leads to freedom and hope, one step at a time.

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Highlights from this Episode

If you’ve been following along, you’ll remember we are in a series designed to give you practical steps and wisdom on how to handle common yet difficult life issues. We’ve covered coping with a panic attack, handling unanswered prayer, dealing with difficult people, and managing stress. In today’s episode, we are going to explore how to forgive someone who has hurt you, which might be one of the most difficult topics that we tackle in this series.

We’re doing this episode for two reasons. First, forgiveness is commanded by Jesus. When his disciples asked Jesus how to pray, Jesus tells them what is now known as the Lord’s Prayer. As conveyed in Luke 11, it includes the phrase “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” Those of us who have given our allegiance to Jesus are commanded by him to forgive those who sin against us.

It’s helpful to define what biblical forgiveness looks like:

Biblical forgiveness is the voluntary decision to release a person from the debt of their sin or offense, mirroring God’s grace and mercy towards us through Christ. It is not a feeling, but a choice to let go of resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge.

In my experience personally and as a pastor and counselor, this command to forgive has often been misunderstood. This leads to the second reason for this episode: I want to clear up some misconceptions and provide clarity on how to forgive someone the way that Jesus commands.

Forgiveness is Wound Care

Imagine you’re cutting up some chicken in your kitchen and you slice your finger so deep that you need to go to the ER to get stitches. But the doctor didn’t disinfect your wound and a week or two later, it becomes infected. It’s red, swollen, and painful. What do you do? You could ignore the pain and tell yourself to move on.

If you do that, you’re going to get very sick and experience more pain in the long run. But what you’ll probably do is go back to the ER and have someone take the stitches out and clean the wound. Will that hurt? Absolutely. But that is good pain that will make you healthier in the long run.

The process of forgiving someone who hurt you is similar. When you get hurt, it’s like someone has wounded you. Forgiveness is the proper way to care for that wound. If you don’t forgive, the wound gets infected and becomes more painful in the long run.

I don’t take the hurts you’ve experienced lightly. I don’t know your story and how you’ve been hurt, but most likely you’ve been hurt in small ways and probably some bigger ways as well—maybe even things that are difficult to talk about. At the same time, the process that I’m about to describe does work.

A quick disclaimer so we’re on the same page: Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened to you, minimizing the hurt that was caused, or trying to return to “normal”. These steps aren’t quick and easy; they require hard work and God’s strength. The process of forgiveness takes time and may not go according to plan right away.

4 Practical Steps for Forgiveness

Step #1: Honestly assess and feel your hurt and then evaluate the type of person who has hurt you

Your first task is to assess the depth and seriousness of the wound—recognizing that you are the only one who gets to decide how painful it is. Rather than minimizing, ignoring, or rushing past the pain, you can name it, feel it, and bring it honestly before God through prayer, writing, or emotional expression. This isn’t usually a one-time process; pain may resurface over time and need to be acknowledged again.

After you’ve tended to your own pain, the next step is to assess the person who hurt you. Drawing from therapist Dan Allender’s framework in his book Bold Love, you’ll find that some people are “normal sinners” who can take responsibility and listen to the impact of their actions. Others are “fools” who minimize, dismiss, or rush past the pain they cause. Still others are “evil,” intentionally seeking to harm and even enjoying it.

This discernment matters because sharing the impact of your hurt is only wise when the other person is safe and receptive. If someone consistently minimizes, weaponizes, or exploits your pain, it may be both wise and necessary to withhold sharing and continue processing that hurt with God and with safe, supportive people instead.

If you are dealing with a normal sinner who can admit fault, you can move on to the next step.

Step #2: Ask the offender if they are willing to hear the impact their actions had on you

At this point, you’re not actually sharing your feelings. That’s next. You’re simply asking them if they are willing to parachute onto your island to hear and to see and to feel what it was like when they hurt you.

It’s important to tell them what you’re going to need from them if you share. This person needs to listen and validate your experience rather than minimizing or justifying it. There might be other things that you’ll need now or in the future, but the important thing in this first moment is to hear an acknowledgement from the person that they’re going to do these things. If so, you can move to the next step.

Step #3: Share the story and unload the pain with the offender or someone who can support your healing

This is the step where you unload the actual hurt from the past, whether that takes one ten-minute venting session or multiple conversations over weeks, depending on how deep the wound is. As you unload, you are honest and truthful about the hurt the other person caused you—telling the story of what happened from the beginning, chronologically, naming how it made you feel and how it affected you, not to decide who was right or wrong, but to help the other person understand.

This process can hurt, but it is necessary because you are bringing your pain into the light. With more serious wounds, you can give yourself time and grace, going slowly, sharing less rather than more, and involving a third party if needed. Though unloading this hurt is often the hardest step, it is also the most powerful and freeing, because it becomes the relief to pent-up bitterness and resentment.

When you talk about your pain and feel heard and validated, healing begins, and you can move to the next step.

If the person who harmed you is not willing or able to hear the pain they have caused you, this step can be done with someone else who can listen, hear your story, and help bear the burden of the hurt you carry. As much as you may want to be able to do this with the person who has caused you pain, sharing your hurt with another trusted person can be just as healing and move you forward in the process of forgiveness.

Step #4: Clearly state your needs and boundaries for the future

This step involves creating and imagining a path forward with the other person. This is less of a hostage negotiation and more of a collaboration with the other person about what your relationship is going to look like going forward—assuming you still want a relationship with them. Hopefully, the person who has harmed you can extend a genuine apology for how they’ve hurt you, and you can tell the person who has hurt you: “I forgive you.”

Your relationship with them doesn’t have to go back to the way it was. In fact, it will likely be very different going forward. Sharing your wants and needs and hopes for the future provides clarity and ensures that they can’t claim they didn’t know what you needed. Use the framework “Would you be willing…” to make your request, and be ready to flex and flow and adjust your expectations if they aren’t able or willing to honor it.

Forgiveness Requires Strength Beyond Willpower

If you try to do these steps with sheer willpower alone, you might make a good start, but you’re not going to finish the way that you want to. Your willpower is a limited commodity and it’s not as reliable as you think it is. Instead, it’s important to look outside of yourself for strength.

There are three Bible verses that can help with this. First, Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not in your own understanding.” To trust in the Lord with all your heart and to lean on God’s understanding is to not be controlled by your instinctual retaliatory responses for justice if you’re hurt.

But you don’t need to give up your desire for justice. That’s captured in the second verse. Romans 12:19 says, “Vengeance is mine. I will repay, says the Lord.” The Lord is very much concerned with justice, even more than you and I are. But it will happen in his time and his way, and you can trust him to balance the scales.

This leads to the third and final verse: Isaiah 41:10 says, “I will strengthen you.” In the immediate context, God is talking to the people of Israel, but this also applies to you as an individual. It’s in the future tense, which means it’s ongoing. God is going to strengthen you in your life and in your relationships. He does for you what another person can never do.

Even in the best-case scenario, the most well-intentioned and repentant person can only go so far in bringing healing, restitution, justice, and making amends. They may genuinely work to change, speak more kindly, act more thoughtfully, or even offer tangible help for past hurts—and that matters. But sooner or later, they will still let you down, because they are fallible, sinful, and imperfect, just like you.

All too often, people who have been hurt don’t receive full justice or healing in this life. That’s why it’s foundational for you to look to God first. He is the one who strengthens you, upholds you, and knows every hurt that has been done to you and ever will be. In the end, he is the one who will make all things right and wipe away every tear.

The Blessings of Forgiveness

When you commit to the process of forgiveness, two things can happen. First, forgiveness brings relief. It may even bring relief to the other person, releasing them from guilt, but it most certainly brings relief to you. Hurt is like an open wound or a heavy, burning coal that weighs you down and scalds your soul. When you forgive, you give that wound and that coal to Jesus. The wound may leave a scar but you are no longer consumed by it.

The second result is that God’s kingdom is made visible here and now. When you freely forgive, you put on display what it looks like when heaven comes to earth. Forgiveness becomes a lived reality, a new way of living that shows what it looks like when God’s will is done on earth as it is in heaven.

Recommended Resources:

WYITW podcast episode: The Roots of Bitterness

WYITW podcast episode: Managing the Weeds of Forgiveness

Bold Love by Dan Allender

When You’ve Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness to Forgiveness by Pastor Erwin Lutzer