How to Handle Singleness
When life feels on hold
Singleness is one of those topics that comes loaded with opinions. Culture treats it like a temporary problem to overcome, the church sometimes treats it like a waiting room for marriage, and your own thoughts can bounce back and forth between hope and frustration.
In this compassionate episode of our ongoing series, How to Handle Life, Austin takes a different approach. Instead of asking how to get out of singleness, he’ll talk about how to navigate it well right where you are. He’ll be sharing 5 practical ways to approach singleness with honesty, courage, and faith.
Before you assume this conversation only applies if you’re currently single, don’t tune out just yet. Many people move in and out of seasons of singleness over the course of their lives. As you listen, you’ll get perspective and wisdom that will help you hold the multi-faceted experience of being single while simultaneously loving, following, and trusting Jesus.
Highlights from this Episode
As I talk about this topic today, “singleness” means someone who is not in a romantic relationship of any kind. So if you’re dating, engaged, or married, you don’t qualify. But even if you are in a relationship, I’ll tell you why you should still listen to this episode in a second.
In this episode I’m going to give you some tactics for how to handle singleness. Notice I said handle singleness, not solve or fix it. Despite what secular culture might be telling you; despite what the church might be telling you; and even despite what you might be telling yourself, being single isn’t something to “solve”.
For those of you who aren’t single, here are two reasons to listen to this episode:
You might be single again at some point in your life. If you’re dating, you might break up. If you’re engaged, as devastating as that might be, you might call it off. And hardest of all: if you’re married, one day you might be divorced or widowed. We all hope those kinds of things won’t happen, but we live in a fallen world where this is a reality.
The second reason to listen is that you’ve probably got single people in your life that you care about. By listening to this episode you’ll be able to get some wisdom and perspective that will help you understand their experience and you’ll be able to love and serve them in meaningful ways.
For those of you who are single, let me address something you might be asking yourself: why am I, Austin, worth listening to on this subject? I’m married, so what do I know about being single? It’s like a game of musical chairs, where the person who has found a seat is trying to give encouragement to the person still looking for a seat. If I heard that I’d be like, “Shut up. You’ve got a seat! You no longer have the problem I’ve got!”
That’s fair pushback, but I ask you to trust my perspective on this issue because there were many years of my life where I was single. Even though it’s been a long time, I can remember what those times were like. I’ve also worked with clients who have shared their thoughts and fears with me openly and honestly.
In addition, I have several good friends who are single and have been kind enough to let me in on their experience; they’ve shared their struggles, the things they’re fighting to believe, and the well-meaning but unhelpful advice they’ve gotten from others. I’ve used my own experiences as well as the experiences of others to develop the tactics I’m going to share with you.
5 Tactics to Handle Being Single
1. Notice your internal dialogue. You were made for relational connection. While you may have a connection to a parent, child, or friend, the deepest form of intimate connection is the marital relationship. If you long to experience this connection with another person and haven’t found it yet, of course you’re going to be annoyed and frustrated and view singleness as a trial.
Don’t try to shut your internal voice down but instead notice it and listen to what it’s saying. There is also another voice in there that may be quieter than your internal voice. This voice reminds you that singleness is a gift. It reminds you that Jesus himself was single yet lived a fulfilled, meaningful, joy-filled and satisfying life.
Rather than trying to solve these voices or have one voice ‘defeat’ the other, allow both of them to exist. This will help you be less reactive and more responsive. It will ease the frustration and stress that can come with this internal civil war.
2. Discern and validate your dreams and fears. Take the time to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Often your dreams and fears come from the part of you that views singleness as a trial. Your dream is to find your person and be in a romantic relationship. Your fear is that you’ll be single and alone the rest of your life, which means you have no value, you’re unlovable, and there is something inherently wrong with you.
Instead, you can validate your dreams and fears with compassion: “I can see why I’m worried that if this doesn’t work out I’ll never find anyone again,” “It makes sense that I want to be in a relationship because then I’ll possibly be able to get married and have kids, which has been my dream as long as I can remember,” “Of course I’m hoping that she’ll say yes because then I won’t be the only one in my friend group who is single.”
3. Accept and let go. This isn’t a one-time tactic, but one that you might need to practice over and over. Accept the fears. Let the worst-case scenario land: you might not ever be in a relationship. You might be the perpetual third wheel. You might have to endure the whispers of family members or friends asking, “What’s wrong with them? Why aren’t they in a relationship?”
You’ll have to get familiar with the ache of being lonely. You don’t have to like it, but you have to get familiar with it. But how? Admit to yourself what the fear is. Stop minimizing it or dismissing it. Acknowledge it. You likely will have to grieve. You have to remember who is with you despite your lack of a significant other—Jesus. He knows this ache because he was never in a married, and he wasn’t a robot!
You have to remember who is with you despite your lack of a significant other—Jesus. He knows this ache because he was never in married, and he wasn’t a robot!
This is why Paul could write this in 1 Corinthians 7:6-8: “I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” Don’t pass over that too quickly: Paul viewed his singleness as a gift, and he remembered who he could rely on while single.
If you can accept your fears and let go of your dreams, you’ll avoid the trap of dating someone who isn’t a Christian. The Bible explicitly commands Christians to date Christians. It’s tempting to think, “Maybe I can change them. Maybe they’ll come around and begin following Jesus because of me.” God can do anything, but usually, the opposite happens. The Christian in the relationship changes and compromises.
4. Cultivate friendships. Being single doesn’t mean being alone. Singleness and isolation are not synonymous. While you might not have a romantic relationship, you still have the opportunity to cultivate and develop friendships with your peers. You can seek out married friends that are your age and enjoy life together. Go to movies and concerts together. Offer to come over regularly and hang out with a couple or a family.
You can be the friend who benefits from the pleasantness of other friends, and you can be the one who blesses others with your own pleasantness. Your presence among your friends is what makes all the difference. You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to add value. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one friend sharpens another.” You will be sharpened by other friends, but you get to do the sharpening as well!
5. Live without fear. That doesn’t mean you will never experience the emotion of fear. Rather, to live without fear means that you don’t let it guide your life, paralyze you, or send you into a panic. To live without fear means you ride the waves of other emotions that will undoubtedly come.
Some days you might be completely content in your singleness and will be able to relax knowing that even if you never find a romantic relationship, Jesus is enough. Some days you might be angry and frustrated and bitter towards God, wondering why you’re here and why he can’t just give you someone.
To live without fear means listening to and acknowledging the different voices in your head: the one that views singleness as a gift and the one that views singleness as a trial. To live without fear means settling into the idea that God may never give you a clear answer to the question, “Will I always be single?”
To live without fear means having the self-control and fortitude and patience to not give in to sexual temptation that the secular culture says is inevitable. To live without fear means that if you succumb to temptation, you remember that Jesus welcomes you back with open arms because he has died and risen for your sins.
To live without fear means continuing to have the courage to continue to be vulnerable to your friends and mentors, trusting that they are interested in carrying your burdens with you. If you’re in a relationship or married, this is a gift you can give to single people. Remind them that they can come to you anytime, and you will not grow tired or exasperated with them. Promise you won’t try to “fix them”, give them advice when it’s not wanted, or play matchmaker.
Finally, to live without fear is to trust Jesus enough to continue to ask boldly for what you want, yet end each prayer the way he did in Luke 22: “Father, not my will, but your will be done.”
Finding Purpose While Single
Singleness may not be the story you expected for your life right now, but it doesn’t mean your life is on hold. Your worth, your purpose, and your ability to love and be loved are not dependent on your relationship status. Whether this season lasts a short time or a lifetime, Jesus is present with you in it. You can keep hoping and praying honestly for what you want, and at the same time trust that your life has meaning, dignity, and value, no matter what your relationship status is.
Want the quick, scrollable version of our weekly content? Follow us on Instagram @withyouintheweeds for bite-sized truths from every episode!