Loving the Kid You Have, Not the Kid You Want
3 parenting traps to avoid
Even when parenting with the best of intentions, there are times when you may expect your child to be ‘perfect’, or to attain your own unfulfilled dreams, or to take care of you when you are feeling sad or alone. These can be easy traps to fall into – more because of your brokenness than through malice or a desire to do harm.
In the second episode of our new series, Parenting in the Weeds, John, Lynn, and Shay sit down to talk about 3 very real traps of parenting – and ways you can recognize and then undo the damage caused by these traps.
This honest and insightful conversation will cover:
Identifying the primary goal of parenting – where are you headed?
3 traps that you might fall into as a parent
3 truths that will help you get out of those traps and back to the primary goal
We hope that after listening, you will have a better idea of how to parent your unique child with grace, support, consistency, and unconditional love.
Highlights from this Episode
What is the primary goal of parenting?
The primary goal of parenting is to help your kids learn life skills and godly character traits, fulfill their unique God-given purpose, and see the beauty in following Jesus.
Kids will form their everyday operational software about God’s character from the ways you interact with them. How they imagine God relating to them is going to be largely influenced by the way you relate to them - which makes you the primary influence on your child!
In the course of parenting, remember that it will take them a while to get it; a kid’s job is to get it wrong! Proverbs 22:6 starts, “Train up a child in the way he should go”. Parenting is not about getting perfect obedience from your kids – it’s about training them for a lifetime. The verse in Proverbs finishes: “…and when he is old he will not depart from it.” It may take many years for your child to grow to full maturity.
Here are some qualities to cultivate in your children:
The ability to think for themselves - be strong and develop wisdom
To be compassionate – to love like God loves
Have sound values firmly cemented within them
Treat others with respect – to follow Golden Rule
Internalize biblical truths learned from you and other role models
Be proud of themselves without being arrogant
Use their gifting and talents to bring God’s presence into this dark world
When you model the beauty of God’s love, it’s with the prayerful hope that they will follow him someday and seek his wisdom from their heart. You can facilitate that, but you can’t force it to happen! Even if you model it well, your child could still grow up to reject those God’s love because they have free will to do so.
3 Traps You Might Fall Into
1. The ‘Perfection’ Trap: This is easy to slip into without even knowing it! You may be tempted to compare your child and wonder why they aren’t succeeding the way other kids seem to be. When you demand that your child becomes a specific type of person – say, a straight-A student or a doctor – it’s like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Kids aren’t blank slates to write on or clay to be molded at will; they’ve got their own wiring, quirks, interests, and inclinations.
Kids aren’t blank slates to write on or clay to be molded at will; they’ve got their own wiring, quirks, interests, and inclinations.
6 ways the ‘Perfection’ Trap can backfire:
First, children might feel resentful, and it could spark rebellion. A kid who feels their autonomy is being could give up their dreams just to reclaim some control—think the aspiring artist turned burnout because mom insisted on law school.
Second, it can tank their sense of self-worth. Constant pressure to be someone they’re not screams, “You’re not enough,” and that sticks. Studies show that kids under heavy parental control often report higher anxiety and depression.
Third, your child won’t ask for help and will resist trying new things because they don’t want to let their parents down or feel the wrath of their parents if they fail or embarrass themselves.
Fourth, your child will grow up in a state of fear. If you expect perfection and your child can’t make their own mistakes, they won’t try something knowing there is no acceptance for their imperfections.
Fifth, children may develop a negative and critical perspective toward themselves and others. Kids under the weight of performance or perfection know inside they don’t measure up, so they develop an inner critic that tells them they’re not good enough.
Sixth, children will struggle to understand the unconditional love of God. When everything in life is about “work hard and earn rewards”, kids might miss the grace of the gospel. The fundamental truth is that God loves you in Jesus and it has nothing to do with your performance.
2. The Mini-Me Trap: When you see your child as a second shot at life, or a chance to fix your regrets and live out unfulfilled dreams through your kids, you will stifle them from pursuing their own interests, gifting, and talents.
3 causes of the ‘Mini-Me’ Trap:
First, projecting your own unfulfilled ambitions and dreams on your child. “I want you to be what I want you to be because I never was”.
Second, parenting out of fear. The world may seem chaotic and molding your child into something that seems “safe” or “successful” is armor against that.
Third, bringing your ego into parenting. A “perfect” kid – smart, obedient, trophy-worthy – reflects well on you. Bragging rights at the family reunion or on social media are a powerful motivator.
3. The ‘Take Care of Me’ Trap: The underlying cause of this trap is the expectation that your child exists to meet your emotional needs. If you feel insecure, sad, or depressed, or lack a strong sense of personal identity, it’s easy to look to your child to regulate your emotions, and to take advantage of your child’s ability to perceive and respond to make you feel better.
2 outcomes of the ‘Take Care of Me’ Trap:
First, your child grows up believing that your happiness is their responsibility. They become so sensitive to any distress you experience that they immediately try to soothe you.
Second, over time, your child learns that they dare not express their true deep thoughts and feelings to you because they risk “losing” your love or approval - a risk that no child wants to take.
3 Truths to Keep In Mind
1. You are a missionary to your child. They’re going to learn by watching you: “More is caught than taught”. So when you fail and make imperfect choices, they need to see that you continue to follow God, repent, and humble yourself.
2. Your child belongs to God. God has a plan and a purpose for them. And like you, they may stray from that path for a period of time, but you can still love them and offer them common grace. Don’t give your job over to the culture, though that is tempting to do. You have a responsibility for spiritual formation in your children’s lives. As the moral compass in your home, it is a parent’s role to point them to the truth. Let them see regular patterns in your life like work, worship, rest, community, and hospitality as you live out your faith.
3. Good enough parenting is good enough. The goal of your personal growth is not to be a perfect parent; the goal is to seek resources and make healthy choices when you get triggered or feel exposed or even fail. Recognizing the traps you may have fallen into and making changes to your parenting style isn’t easy, but it will help you move towards your child and establish healthier relationships.
Maybe you’re thinking through your parenting approach and realizing, “I’ve fallen into the Perfection Trap, the Mini-me Trap, or the Take Care of Me trap and I don’t want to do that to my kid”.
The good news is, it’s never too late to repair your relationship with your child!
Some of us have children that are complicated, difficult, challenging, and that struggle in unique ways. You need abundant grace to get through the struggle and believe that God didn’t make a mistake by giving this particular child to you. As you parent, bring your heart to the Lord and trust that he is guiding your kids and has them in his loving care. Avoid the ‘Parenting Traps’ by embracing the truth of God’s grace in your life and theirs.
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