Managing Sibling Conflict
Realistic solutions for harried parents
Does your home sometimes feel like a battle zone? Do you feel like the referee of a fight that never ends?
Whether you're dealing with daily squabbles between young kids, quiet resentment among teens, or lingering rivalries into adulthood, you may feel frustration or even despair in your efforts to help your kids get along.
In the next episode of our ongoing series, Parenting in the Weeds, Shay and Austin combine personal anecdotes, biblical wisdom, and counseling experience as they share the foundations of sibling rivalry and actionable solutions to improve family dynamics:
3 main causes of sibling conflict
5 practical strategies to manage sibling conflict
We hope that after listening, you feel equipped to manage, mitigate, and lessen sibling rivalry in your home by offering unconditional love and acceptance to each of your kids.
Highlights from this Episode
Have you ever wondered what causes sibling conflict?
Cause #1 – Sin
Because sin has entered the world, conflict is inevitable. There’s always the potential for feelings of envy, jealousy, favoritism, lying, slander, and gossip. You could be the perfect parent, but your kids will still fight.
There are several dramatic examples of this in the Bible, from Cain killing Abel in a battle royale for God’s approval, to Jacob and Esau, where competition that began at birth was exacerbated by parental favoritism.
Cause #2 – The Sibling
Some kids find it more difficult to manage their emotions. Certain kids may have personality traits or behavioral issues that make conflict more likely. For those kids, their emotional dysregulation can create tension early and often.
Cause #3 – Environmental Factors
External factors that can affect children’s behavior include competitive experiences at school and in sports, bullying, and negative messages from the culture around us, including social media.
Parents and other caregivers can also create very toxic and unhealthy conditions that cultivate sibling conflict. For example, it’s hurtful when parents engage in favoritism (whether intentional or not), offer only conditional love and approval, and withhold blessings like money, inheritance, and independence.
One last environmental factor is blended families. Even with the best of intentions, parents may unknowingly cause or create rivalry between half- or step-siblings. Or perhaps children’s needs go unnoticed in the logistics and chaos of managing a blended family.
5 Strategies to Manage Sibling Conflict
Even if you realize that you have been (possibly unintentionally) contributing towards rivalry between your children, it’s not too late! There is hope for change, repair, and connection by implementing these strategies in your home:
Connect with each child individually: The more connected you are with each of your children individually, the easier it is for them to develop healthy sibling relationships. When your children are fully connected to you, they begin to see their siblings as friends rather than competitors for your affection.
Delight, celebrate, and laugh together as a family: Make a big deal of birthdays – have everyone write down what they love about the birthday boy or girl. Eat dinner together and engage in conversation. Play games together – board games or video games. Travel as a family. Have a sense of adventure.
Avoid comparing your children: Kids want to know that they are loved for who they are and that they are special to you. They want to be appreciated for their unique qualities – not to feel like they are in competition with their brothers and sisters.
Set patterns of reconciliation, apologizing, and forgiveness: If your relationship with one of your kids is ruptured, work to repair it. If you have hurt them, whether intentionally or not, own what you have done and apologize to them. Ask them what you need to do to restore the relationship. If they have hurt you, be ready and willing to forgive them.
Be proactive about end-of-life matters and money: Make a will. Be as fair as possible in your wishes for your estate. Let your children know your plans so that they are not caught off guard after your death. Don’t show favoritism to certain children or grandchildren over others.
Your children may feel competitive towards each other, but they should never have to compete for your love.
Your children may feel competitive towards each other, but they should never have to compete for your love.
Be sure that your kids know that their Heavenly Father loves them perfectly and does not withhold any good thing from them. Life in a broken world is going to be unfair, and sometimes home life will be unfair. If they have the solid foundation of God’s unfailing, unconditional love, they will be better equipped to navigate injustice when they experience it.
There is so much that you as a parent have no control over. While you can influence your children, especially when they’re young, you don't have the ability to control their hearts - or make your kids like each other! What you can do is pray for them - we invite you to pray with us for your own children:
Lord, give me wisdom to be gracious, fair, loving, and patient with my kids. I pray that they will get along, be lifelong friends, and delight in each other. I pray that they will turn to you and follow you all the days of their lives. Help me as I teach and train them and raise them in the Lord. Thank you for the gift of your son. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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