What if the voice that tears you down can become the voice that helps you grow?
In this insightful episode of Uncovering Your Hidden Motives, Austin Conner, M.Div., LPC, and Lynn Roush, LPC, explore how understanding the purpose behind your self-criticism can help you respond to it with greater compassion instead of fighting against yourself.
They’ll share four practical steps for managing your inner critic, from recognizing when it takes over to listening for what it’s trying to protect, validating its intentions, and gently redirecting it. You’ll also discover how to bring the truth of the gospel into the parts of your heart that still struggle to believe they are loved, forgiven, and safe with God.
As you begin to loosen the inner critic’s grip, you may encounter feelings you’ve kept hidden, including fear, sadness, or grief. But with time, patience, and support from trusted relationships, you can begin to experience greater freedom from shame and self-doubt. Rather than trying to silence or destroy your inner critic, you can learn to help it step back so you can hear Jesus’ voice more clearly.
Join us to discover how offering yourself the same grace Jesus offers you can help transform your inner critic from a harsh judge into a wiser guide—and make more room for healing, confidence, and spiritual growth.
Highlights from this Conversation
Austin: We have been in our Uncovering Your Hidden Motives series for a few weeks now. Last week we had our friend and fellow Crossing pastor Addison Hawkins on to discuss the roots of self-criticism. Today, we’re going to dive into some ways that you can begin to manage the weeds of self-criticism and start living from a place of grace and wholeness.
Lynn: In preparing for this episode, I realized that my inner critic isn’t a loud, screaming, intense kind of voice. My inner critic is a quiet voice of self-doubt. When I started counseling almost 19 years ago, I had imposter syndrome. People would bring their problems to me, and I wanted to turn around and see who it was they were actually talking to.
But one thing that has helped me is the internal family systems (IFS) model, because in IFS language, the inner critic is a manager or a protector part whose job it is to try and keep bad things from happening before they happen. This part of you is usually formed at an early age around a negative or shameful experience.
Austin: They’re future-oriented, scanning the horizon to look for threats.
Lynn: Exactly. The job description of your inner critic is to keep you from getting hurt. Often, the inner critic has decided that if you criticize yourself first, then nobody else will get the chance...or it won’t hurt as much if they do. That’s a childhood strategy, but many of our inner critics are still doing it even though we’re grown.
Austin: That’s why learning about how our inner critic was formed in the past, and the way it shows up in the present, is going to help you effectively manage it going forward. Notice we’re not saying you should destroy the inner critic, but manage it. Our ultimate goal is to let Jesus guide us. As adults with our spirit-led selves as the teachers in the classroom, so to speak, we can now see and hear and follow Jesus with a greater confidence, clarity and conviction.
Hearing the Shepherd’s Voice
Lynn: The verse that came to mind about this topic was John 10:27, where Jesus says that his sheep hear his voice and follow him, and that he calls his own sheep by name and leads them. Many of us have spent years following the wrong voice. We’ve been listening to that loud, intense voice of the inner critic. That voice is so familiar. It feels real.
But Jesus’ voice, our shepherd’s voice, sounds different. It isn’t harsh. It isn’t frantic. It isn’t demanding or condemning. It’s steady and it’s comforting and it knows you by name. As we walk you through these steps today, it’s with the goal to quiet and calm the inner critic and help it to step back so that you can hear the voice of Jesus and let the shepherd lead you.
Austin: There’s another verse that comes to my mind when working and thinking about inner critics and it’s Matthew 5:44. This is where Jesus gives what might be the most difficult command in the entire Bible. He says, “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Now, the main sense and heart of this verse is talking about external enemies, right? But I think we can also apply it to our internal enemies as well.
If you’re like me, you sometimes have a love-hate relationship with your inner critic. You hate this part of you and you want it to quiet down. Why can’t I stop criticizing myself? It’s viewed as an enemy. But the problem is that no matter hard you fight against it, you’re not going to defeat it. It’s a part of you.
Lynn: That’s really good. For today’s episode, we’re going to go through three different parts. In part one, we’re going to give you four specific steps to practice that are going to help you manage and direct your inner critic. In part two, we’re going to explain what will probably happen in the short term when you practice these steps. In part three, we’re going to explain what will happen in the long term if you stick with it and if you keep at it.
4 Steps to Manage Your Inner Critic
Step 1: Notice. In fact all of these episodes on uncovering your hidden motives start with noticing because you can’t manage what you don’t see. In this episode, the critical thought or the critical voice is what you’re going to be noticing. There’s another IFS term that can help here, which is blending.
Blending is when a part of you is so loud and intense it takes over. It’s like a part of you has ahold of the steering wheel of your life. When you’re blended with your inner critic, you’re not thinking, oh, part of me is being critical right now. You’re just simply thinking, I am a failure. You can’t distinguish it as something that’s separate from you.
In order to notice this part of yourself, you need to slow and pay attention, which creates a little bit of space between you and your inner critic. That will help you shift from thinking you’re an idiot to recognizing that you’re hearing from the part of you that’s full of self-criticism and self-doubt.
Check your body: where do you feel it? Your jaw? Is your chest tight? Do you have a knot in your stomach? Are there certain people or places where it shows up? Certain events or times? When you notice it, treat it like a sleeping tiger at first. Don’t startle it. Just calmly say, “Oh, there it is.”
Step 2: Ask and listen. Imagine that your adult, spirit-led self, gets a phone call from your inner critic. You pick up the phone and you just listen. Sometimes your inner critic might be very clear and very loud. When you pick up that phone, the first thing you hear is, “Why’d you do it that way? Why did you make that mistake?” Other times your inner critic might be more subtle and difficult to understand. The more you listen, the quicker you’ll be able to figure out what it’s saying.
Step 3: Validate what this part of you is thinking or feeling and why. You may resist this step because it feels like you’re agreeing with the inner critic. You may think that if you validate that part, it’s going to make it worse. It’s going to send you deeper into this negative spiral. But validation isn’t agreeing. You’re just validating the critic’s intention to protect you. You can just say, “That makes a lot of sense,” or, “I can see how you got there.” Then add, “Thank you for doing this job for me.”
Step 4: Give this part some instructions. If you’re just starting this process, be a little soft with your requests. As you get further in this process, you can be more direct. Soft requests are like, “Would you be willing to step back and just hold that critical thought for a second? Or, “Can you wait on evaluating this until we’re done with the job?” Something more direct would be, “I need you stop right now because you’re making it worse, but we’re going to be fine.”
Healing Through Connection
Lynn: Something I heard a while ago that really resonated was, “There are parts of your heart that have yet to hear the gospel.” You may understand it cognitively. There are certain parts of you that find it easy to accept God’s love and grace. But there are other parts that don’t feel fully loved and understood, that they’re forgiven and cleansed and in relationship with a God who loves them.
So you the last thing you can say to yourself in this step is, “You don’t have to carry this by yourself anymore. I’m with you. And more importantly, Jesus is with us.” You’re gently reminding your inner critic of God’s truth. There’s no need for the inner critic to berate you, because Jesus took the shame, condemnation, and punishment for you. This is how you integrate gospel truth into your emotions at a deep level.
While you can do this work alone, it’s exponentially more powerful to do this work in relationship, with someone who knows you and can see that judgmental part of you and be with you as you validate it. This is a deep kind of an emotional intimacy and it is hard to have someone see the dark, scary, ugly, twisted, contemptuous parts of your heart and still want to move towards you and be with you and love you through that. It’s truly one of the gifts of therapy that someone can be with you through this.
Austin: Each of us has an experiential bucket to draw from so that whatever is happening externally, we can then apply it internally. It’s a self-perpetuating system. You can do parts work on your own on an intellectual level, and that’s a good start. It can make a real big difference. But the next level is when you sit with a counselor or a friend—or you can be that friend for someone else. That just takes it to a whole other level.
Lynn: As I’ve been working on these different parts, my self-doubt part is still there, but it doesn’t show up as much anymore. There’s a little less of a need to prove myself. Even having this podcast has helped because it’s given me a voice to talk about things that I’m passionate about and that I’ve studied for many years. Knowing that it reaches people and that it helps them is so rewarding. That wouldn’t have happened if I let my self-doubt drive the bus.
Austin: If you’re listening and you’ve tried something and you fail, please get back up and keep going. If you continue to work with your inner critic, there will be fruit that comes from it. It’s going to make a difference.
Remember how the Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 6:12 that our war is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, the spiritual forces in high places. So let’s take all the criticism and harsh words that we apply to ourselves, and let’s put them to cosmic demonic forces who are trying to destroy us. Let’s criticize sinful behaviors and patterns in the world that need to be redeemed and restored.
So let’s take all the criticism and harsh words that we apply to ourselves, and let’s put them to cosmic demonic forces who are trying to destroy us. Let’s criticize sinful behaviors and patterns in the world that need to be redeemed and restored.
Lynn: God gave us a conscience and an ability to judge. So we can tell right from wrong and good from bad, and we can’t ignore that.
From Harsh Critic to Wise Coach
Austin: There are short-term and long-term benefits of this process. I ran cross-country for a couple of years in high school and I think it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I hated it. I had to start it because I needed to lose weight to play basketball. I would eventually reach a runner’s high about 45 minutes in, but the those first 45 minutes were painful.
The same thing applies to inner critic work. In the short term, it’s not going to feel great. Things are probably going to get more confusing and probably going to get more frustrating. Your inner critic is not going to get quiet without a fight. But as it does, other parts of you that haven’t been very loud are going to come out. Anxious parts, sad parts, and more. You might feel irritable and more sensitive in your relationships. There may be grief that you need to sit with and process.
That’s normal, because your inner critic is no longer protecting the part of you that has always been nervous or scared to try. Instead of hiding in the shadows or staying on the sidelines, now you’re taking a risk. You’re trying something new. You’re being vulnerable. And in the short term, this is nerve-wracking. This protector part of you was protecting your younger self, which contains the most tender, scary, vulnerable parts inside you.
Lynn: The first long-term change you will notice is that you you will go from being burdened by the inner critic to becoming unburdened. The critic is going to transform rather than disappear. This part of you is going to settle down, and when it does, it will relieve you of a heavy emotional load. The new job of the inner critic will be a wise coach, not a harsh, condemning voice.
Second, the parts that the critic was protecting are able to heal. Those scared parts of you, the parts that contain a lot of shame, can receive comfort, hear the voice of Christ, and experience God’s grace in a way that they never could as long as that critic was standing guard. The protector parts of you keep out the bad and the good.
Third, you’re going to notice more of what the IFS theory calls the eight C’s of self: calm, curious, compassionate, confidence, courage, clarity, creativity, and connectedness. Those closely overlap with the Fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. When the critic steps back, there’s room for the Spirit to lead. You have the capacity to show grace to others because you’re showing grace to yourself.
Austin: Those steps put together over time are really going make a difference and help you achieve the ultimate goal that we talked about at the very beginning, which is to listen to Jesus and follow his leading. We really think this episode will make a difference in your life. And feel free to share it with someone who might benefit. Stay with us as we uncover another hidden motive next week.
Recommended Resource
The Roots of Self-Criticism - In Part 1 of this 2-part conversation, you’ll learn how to recognize patterns of self-criticism in your life, identify situations that trigger your inner critical voice, and take some practical steps to untangle patterns from the past.