Parenting in a Blended Family
Writing a new chapter together
In any blended family there will be logistical, financial, and emotional challenges, balanced by a sense of belonging and the joy of kids’ growing sibling bonds. Navigating these dynamics with grace means keeping lines of communication open, embracing the reality of your family journey, and trusting God with your family’s future.
Chris and Amanda Horn are facing the difficult challenge of raising three kids across multiple households. In this heartfelt episode of our ongoing series, Parenting in the Weeds, they share insights with Austin about co-parenting with grace, resolving conflict peacefully, and building strong family bonds.
This honest conversation includes:
Real talk about parenting a blended family
The highest highs and the lowest lows
What they wish they knew at the beginning
The ways that God has shown up for their family
Practical takeaways for parents in similar situations
You may be able to relate as Chris and Amanda describe their blended family life as challenging and sacrificial, yet strengthening. Whether you’re in a blended family or know someone who is, you’ll feel encouraged and informed after listening to this episode.
Highlights from the Interview
Austin: Blended families come in all shapes and sizes. But many of the challenges they face are the same! Today we have Chris and Amanda Horn in the studio to tell us about their personal experiences. Chris and Amanda, welcome! Can you tell us about yourselves?
Amanda: Chris and I met back in 2011 at a dog park – we had the same kind of dog, which led to a conversation, then a friendship and then marriage! We have 3 kids together: Chris’ 10-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and then two boys, ages 8 and 7.
Austin: Sounds like the plot of a romantic comedy! Can you each pick 3 words to describe what it’s like to be in a blended family?
Chris: My 3 words would have to be: challenging, extra-sacrificial, and process. To start with process first, as we go through different experiences that parenting and marriage throw at us, I feel like we get better at them.
But as we're in the throes of it, sometimes it feels like, “Are we going backwards? Are we doing this right?" Embracing that is a process. We just have to embrace what comes our way.
Every parent knows that sacrifice is required to parent well. That’s not unique to us, but the extra part is trying to meet the expectations, not only of Amanda, but other people who have a vested interest in these situations.
Austin: You have other stakeholders, if you will, besides just you and Amanda.
Chris: Yes, there are other people in the picture. And that means financial challenges, logistical challenges, and things like that.
Austin: That’s really good. Amanda, can you share 3 words?
Amanda: I would go with journey, hard, and strengthening. It's been a journey within me, but it's also been a journey within our marriage and for our kids. The hard part is the sacrifice that comes with it. When our kids were really young, Chris would go and visit his daughter a lot on the weekends; she actually lived in a different state then.
It's also been strengthening. It really has strengthened my ability to be a mother. It's strengthened our marriage. We've had to work through conflicts not just in our own home but in two different homes - coming to a common ground together, not just being able to brush it under the rug, but like really hit things head on. It’s strengthened us as a family and as a community.
Austin: Has there been an example that encapsulates the conflicts that come up in your marriage that if you don't address issues together?
Chris: Yes, because there are two families, there have been legal issues that have come up. There’s been some conflict and disagreement over those. Because I don’t want to be a burden to Amanda or our kids, I tend to disengage and become defensive. I’ve tried to avoid conflict and solve problems on my own, and that’s caused issues with us being able to communicate. Amanda has helped me with that.
Amanda: I’m pretty quick to come at him and ask what’s happening. Or I’ll let his friends know that he needs someone to talk to. It doesn’t always have to be me checking in on him.
Austin: Can each of you tell me, if you could go back to the beginning of your relationship, knowing what you know now, what would you tell yourselves about parenting in a blended family?
Amanda: In regards to having a blended family, but even a family in general, I would tell myself that it's okay to love your kids differently. I’ve put pressure on myself to love them all the same way. And that’s unfair because all of my kids need different things. They all need love, but in different ways.
The way that I would talk to my youngest child is not the way that I would talk to my oldest child because they don't need the same things. There are certain times I'm more in sync with one child and out of sync with others.
Chris: This might sound odd, but if I could go back, I would tell myself that it's okay for kids to develop and have opinions. The context in which I grew up was where kids were to be seen and not heard. I remember being surprised that Amanda gave the kids choices on what they wanted for dinner. But now I find it beneficial and helpful for our kids to articulate what they’re thinking and feeling, what they like and don’t like.
Austin: That’s great, really helpful, thank you. Another question: can you say something to the parent that is in a blended family and really struggling, feeling discouraged and brokenhearted?
Chris: What I've learned is to embrace reality. Life is full of uncertainties, and we don’t know what's going to happen in our situations going forward. But we've got to be present in whatever is happening right now. Whether it's hard or easy right now, embrace that. There’s hope. Things are going to eventually be okay.
Austin: Anything you’ve found helpful as far as making life a little smoother?
Amanda: Embrace the chaos. We’re in it, that’s okay, it’s not going to last forever. Our house is messy a lot of the time. We’re doing projects together. We’re making memories together. That’s what’s important.
Chris: Prayer really helps. Praying has changed my perspective – and helped me see things from other people’s perspectives. When we’ve had challenging situations or breakdowns in communication, it’s easy to default to thinking the worst about someone else. But that’s not helpful. What is helpful is praying for that person, for whatever they’re going through, for their hearts.
Austin: I’m encouraged and challenged by that. One last question: What have you learned about yourself and Jesus by parenting in a blended family?
Amanda: It's no surprise that Chris is way more level-headed than I am, all of the time. I don't like to be uncomfortable and be in conflict. I've just learned to be okay in the uncomfortable. It's a beautiful thing to not have control at times and know that I can't control this, and I don't really want to anyway.
We've been through hard things and our family is still together. We are still together. We are still communicating with each other. God is sovereign - he has ultimate power and there is beauty in that. No matter the journey or my obstacles or successes, it's just freeing to not have to stress abundantly about things. I'm going to do what's right, but ultimately, I'm not in control.
Austin: It's really nice to realize that Jesus being in control of everything that means you don't have to be. Chris, what about you?
Chris: What I've learned about myself through this is it's okay to ask for help. Amanda's been very instrumental in that. She told you earlier about how she would text friends to check in on me when I wasn’t willing to reach out on my own.
What I’ve learned about Christ through all this is, he gets it. He knows what I'm going through. He's been through what I'm going through or worse and he cares. He listens and he responds to my prayers.
Austin: That’s really good. Let's leave this on a note of encouragement. In Romans it says that God is a God of hope - and he will fill you with joy and peace as you believe in him.
The past does not define the future. If you’re in a difficult situation in your blended family, you need to grieve and lament that things aren’t the way you want them to be. You may need to get some professional counseling or just grab some coffee with a friend and vent.
Remember that Jesus knows exactly where your family is. And he loves your kids more than you ever could. So you can let go of some things if you need to. And in the end, it's going to be okay. Chris, Amanda, thank you so much for being with us.
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