Listen in: 4 Habits of a Healthy Marriage
You only need to look back at any women’s magazine from the 1950s to see that ideas about roles and responsibilities in marriage have shifted over the years. The marriage advice given then would be never fly today! However, there are timeless positive habits that can benefit your marriage, no matter what your view is on roles and responsibilities.
In this episode of our ongoing series, Making Marriage Work, Shay and Lynn explore the toxic behaviors that erode your relationship if you are not vigilant. Then they discuss 4 healthy habits you’ll want to practice instead. There are many benefits to implementing these 4 habits into all of your relationships, and it’s never too late to start!
‘The 4 Horsemen’
We are using research from John and Julie Gottman for this episode, and while they are not coming from a Christian perspective, what they have observed about relationships is very biblical, and fits with how God designed marriage.
Many couples find that conflicts in their marriage fall into one of three categories: money, parenting, and communication. As important as these subjects are, sometimes in order to find the source of a conflict, you need to look deeper than surface issues. The research that the Gottmans did leads us deeper into the underlying problems in a relationship.
Back in the 1980s, psychologists John and Julie Gottman constructed a “Love Lab” where they invited couples to live in a studio apartment set up with cameras to observe their everyday life over a period of time. After observing hundreds of couples, the Gottmans began to be able to predict over time which couples would have lasting marriages and which couples would end in divorce. In fact in three separate studies, John Gottman’s average of being able to predict which couples stayed together was 91%.
One area that the Gottmans found particularly troubling and correlated with divorce are what they called ‘The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse’. That’s a biblical reference to economic distress, war, death, and pestilence from the book of Revelation. When those 4 things are present, the end times are near. In marriage, when these 4 things are present, trouble is on the horizon - it could be a sign that the end of the marriage might be near.
These 4 signs of trouble in a relationship have become popularized in our culture, so maybe you’ve seen them before:
CRITICISM: Pointing out something negative; blaming your partner by naming a personality flaw. Engaging in character assassination that targets a person’s sense of self and/or values.
Examples: “You’re selfish”, “You never…”, “You always…”, “You’ll never change”, “What’s wrong with you?”
DEFENSIVENESS: A form of counterattack used to protect yourself when you feel attacked and blamed. Being unwilling to see or acknowledge your part in a conflict.
Examples: Playing the victim, not taking ownership, blame-shifting, deflecting:
“I’m only running late because I’m the one who does everything, and you never help me!”
STONEWALLING: A reaction in which the listener withdraws from interacting and is silent. A way to shut out stimulation when feeling attacked or emotionally overloaded.
Examples: Disengaging, avoiding conversation. Giving the ‘silent treatment’ as a way to punish your spouse. Pulling away and being unresponsive to your partners’ bid for connections. Literally acting like a “stone wall”.
CONTEMPT: Diminishing another person from a place of superiority in order to belittle or put that person down. Portraying harmful feelings of disgust and disrespect. Once a person gets to this point, it is difficult to come back. The hardness of heart can be extremely tough to break through.
Examples: Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, sneering, self-righteous contempt.
Why Are ‘The 4 Horsemen’ Prevalent in Marriage?
At its heart, marriage is one sinner married to another sinner. If you don’t know your own heart well, the impact of sin and how it can affect your relationship with your spouse, you’re always going to be in the dark about what’s actually happening in your marriage.
Like a bridge with cracks that aren’t apparent until a heavy truck drives over it, your marriage is that heavy truck driving over you, exposing the cracks in your soul. You can’t hide in marriage because it’s the deepest of all human relationships. Your mask will eventually come off and your spouse will see you for who you really are.
You may be proud, inflexible, abrasive, undisciplined, or insensitive. You may be impatient and irritable with a tendency to hold grudges. Any and all of those traits are going to be obvious to your spouse.
Many young people think “If I can just find the perfect spouse, my soulmate, they will help me fulfill all my dreams!” Then the marriage crashes on the rocks of reality. You may assume that you married the wrong person and your soulmate is still out there. You may not see a need for personal change or growth.
In contrast, if you are following Jesus, and practicing how to be like him, you will be willing to look at your own heart, and deal with your sins and what's going on that causes you to behave in hurtful ways. God designed the marriage relationship to be sanctifying – it helps you develop character. It involves a lot more sacrifice than it seems to at the beginning.
God designed the marriage relationship to be sanctifying – it helps you develop character. It involves a lot more sacrifice than it seems to at the beginning.
The Antidote to the Four Horsemen
In the Gottman’s research, they found that people who remain married, and report a happy marriage, live up to four years longer than those who do not. A good marriage can directly benefit your immune system, making you less susceptible to illness.
Think about how many of us spend an hour or more on a daily or weekly basis working out to benefit our physical health. If we took just 20 minutes a day to work on our marriage, we could get three times the health benefits that we derive from a workout. Just as exercise takes intentionality, work, energy, and effort, so do relationships.
Instead of engaging in behaviors that break down the relationship, you can choose to cultivate 4 habits that will yield a healthy marriage when practiced over time:
INSTEAD OF CRITICISM, OFFER FEEDBACK
As it says in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” In light of that wise advice, you’ll want to follow these guidelines to ensure your feedback is gentle and given with love:
Give feedback immediately or within 24 hours
Keep it short and light-hearted
Make requests rather than complaints and focus on the impact of the behavior, not the other person’s character
INSTEAD OF DEFENSIVENESS, TAKE OWNERSHIP
Jesus says in Matthew 7, “Do not judge, lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged, and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye?”
Have a soft heart towards your spouse, because you’re a sinner too. Forgive as you’ve been forgiven. If you understand how much God has forgiven you, you’ll extend grace to others when they sin by taking ownership of your part:
Accept responsibility for your part of the conflict
Be willing to see your role in the problem
Be responsible for your thoughts, feelings and reactions, even if your partner is more at fault
INSTEAD OF STONEWALLING, STAY ENGAGED
Staying engaged requires the skill set of being able to regulate yourself, understand what’s happening inside of you, and process your emotions in a way that allows you to stay connected to your partner. Many times you may be triggered when in conflict with your spouse, shut down, and then never go back to get resolution for the conflict.
Don’t keep your spouse locked out. Giving someone the silent treatment diminishes their personhood and sends the message that they don’t even exist, or you wish they didn’t exist. That can be very hurtful if repeated over time.
Take a break if you need to, but be willing to revisit the issue
Regulate your emotions
Be willing to reconnect with your partner to repair a conflict
INSTEAD OF CONTEMPT, SHOW APPRECIATION AND RESPECT
If you have a heart of contempt toward your partner, you might feel like it’s too late to build a culture of appreciation and respect. Even if all you see now is their negative traits, go back to the beginning when you first fell in love. What did you admire or appreciate about your partner then?
Ask the Lord to soften your heart towards them, using Galatians 5:22-23 as your guide: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control”:
Look for the good in the other person
Seek restoration through humility and forgiveness
Demonstrate the Fruit of the Spirit in your relationship
Send ‘The 4 Horsemen’ Away for Good
These 4 horsemen ride along in every marriage relationship, at some level, and may show up more in difficult seasons than other times. You always need to be fighting against them. For example, if you feel contempt and it is not dealt with, it can grow to become resentment and bitterness. Bitterness will make you miserable and can become a divide within the marriage. Defensiveness can blind you to the impact of your own actions.
As you learn to address painful issues in your marriage, you may notice that these changes are easier said than done. But be encouraged that there is always room for growth! You could start by identifying which of these habits you want to work on, and pray for the grace needed to make a change in your heart and actions. By implementing the 4 healthy habits, we hope that you are able to create a stronger bond with your partner as you navigate the challenges of marriage.