Boundaries: The Key to Trust

Who is responsible for your marriage?

Listen in: Boundaries: The Key to Trust

When someone mentions the topic of boundaries, you may find yourself thinking that setting boundaries sounds unloving, inhospitable, and selfish. There may be times when someone else has set a boundary with you and left you feeling hurt and confused. However, when relationships have poor boundaries, confusion and pain result. No one sees the results of poor boundary-setting more than counselors do!

The idea of rebelling against specific directions goes back to the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve didn’t like the boundaries that God established, so they broke them. It’s human nature to dislike the word “No”, and to feel constrained by limits. In the next episode of our ongoing series, Making Marriage Work, Lynn and John sit down to discuss how boundaries are set and maintained, the ways trust is built in a relationship, and the important connection between boundaries and trust.

Types of Boundaries

When we talk about boundaries as they apply to relationships, there are several different types. First, there are defining boundaries – boundaries that keep things in. Then there are protective boundaries that keep things out. And last, there are property line boundaries that define ownership and responsibility.

Marriage itself is a defining boundary and a protective boundary. You’ve come to an agreement of what your relationship is going to be. And inherently, it means if you say ‘yes’ to this person, you’re saying ‘no’ to other people outside of that relationship. There's an imaginary line that's been drawn around you and your partner.

The protective boundary around marriage is designed to make it a safe place where you and your spouse can be completely vulnerable. You’re both also saying that you’re not going to let bad things into your relationship, and you’re going to keep the good things in: mutual respect, friendship, trust, emotional support, and availability.

Building Trust in the Relationship

Trust is the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something, and it is built in 4 ways:

• Reliability – You can only trust someone if they do what they say they will do, consistently, predictably, over time.

• Accountability – You can only trust someone if, when they make a mistake or break the trust between you, they are willing to take responsibility for it, apologize, and make amends. They must show that they understand the impact their actions had on you.

• Integrity – You can only trust someone if you believe that they are acting from a place of integrity. Are they who they say they are? Are they honest about their struggles? Do they practice their values?

• Responsibility  - You can only trust someone if they are clear about what they are responsible for and own their responsibilities. How do you both know what your responsibilities are? Your responsibilities are defined by boundaries. You cannot have trust without mutual respect and understanding of each other’s boundaries.

Building Trust Over Time

Trust is not defined or secured by the vows that you make on your wedding day. Sometimes people think that once they’re married, and have made a promise and said their vows, they can trust their spouse completely. But marriage researchers, John and Julie Gottman, say that trust is not built on one big moment, it's actually built on thousands of small, seemingly insignificant moments that culminate over a long period of time into a deep bed of trust.

Think of marbles in a jar. The day you walk down that aisle, you must have a few marbles in that jar, because you're marrying this person. There must be some degree of trust. But do you fully know who this person is? Do you fully have all experiential knowledge that this is somebody who is completely trustworthy? You may think you know them completely. However, trust can’t be granted automatically. It's something that's slowly earned over a long period of time.

For example, when you come home and share your frustrations and hurts of the day, and your spouse slows down and listens, and this happens repeatedly over a long period of time, you begin to believe that this person genuinely cares about you. As they faithfully show interest in you and tend to their responsibilities, more and more marbles are put in the jar.

Over time, a very solid foundation of trust is built. It’s a beautiful thing that you don’t even have to think about consciously every day. There is a friendship component that almost automatically flows from that. You don’t have to wake up in the morning wondering if there are enough marbles in the jar. It’s now guaranteed.

When Trust Is Broken

One of the most difficult realities you may be forced to face is that just as the marbles can be put in the jar, they can also be taken out. Even when firmly established, the bond of trust is surprisingly fragile. Once you violate it, you can apologize, repair, and make amends, depending on the level of hurt. But that takes a lot of work.

A hurtful word, a broken promise, an unmet expectation, an unresolved conflict, and the jar begins to empty out. It's those small moments over time that build trust, but it's also those small moments over time that betray trust. Sometimes you may think that being untrustworthy doesn’t have consequences, and you may become unreliable, but over time, the jar will be emptied, and your partner can’t trust you anymore.

Circles of Responsibility

One way to visualize boundaries is to picture a hula hoop around you. Inside the hula hoop circle is everything that represents who you are, what belongs to you, what your role is, and what you're responsible for. That circle contains your thoughts, your feelings, your desires, your choices, your attitude, your needs, your motivations, and your behavior. Only one person is in charge of those things, and that’s you.

Sometimes when we talk to clients about their circle of responsibility, and ask them what’s inside their invisible circle, we get kind of a dumbfounded, quizzical look. Depending on where they're at and their personal development, people may feel that it’s the job of others to make them happy. That’s my spouse's job. That’s my parents' job. That’s my roommate's job. That’s my friend's job. A light bulb goes on when they realize they’re responsible for what's inside their own circle.

There’s also an invisible circle around you and your spouse: the marriage boundary. You have your own little circle around you that you are responsible for. But that bigger property line that encircles you and your spouse once you're married is something you’re both accountable to maintain.

The Connection Between Boundaries and Trust

The reason why boundaries are the key to trust is because you need to know what you’re responsible for so that others can trust you to own what’s yours. If you're not clear about who you are, what your role is, and what your responsibilities are, your personal, emotional and relational boundaries are not well established.

Something we frequently tell our clients is, “You cannot fix, change, or control anyone else”. You are responsible for what is in your circle, and your partner is responsible for what is in their circle.

Ask yourself these questions to see how this idea of personal ownership and responsibility plays out in a marriage:

 Can you make someone love you? No

Can you make it easier for someone to love you? Yes

Can your spouse make you angry/happy/sad? No

Can your spouse act in a way that makes it easier for you to feel angry/happy/sad? Yes

Can you make someone trust you? No

Can you make it easier for someone to trust you? Yes

Are you responsible for your spouse’s happiness? No

Can you influence your spouse’s happiness? Yes

Who are you ultimately responsible to please? Your spouse? No. Christ.

Many people suffer in a marriage from the impossible task of trying to change or control their spouse. This can be at the root of many emotional disorders, addictive patterns, and perpetual conflict in a marriage because you just don’t know where your job ends and someone else’s start. You are not setting healthy boundaries.

When you try to control your partner, or let them control you, you have given your personal authority over to someone else, and either taken away their responsibility for themselves, or given up your responsibility for yourself. If you’ve given up responsibility for yourself, you are going to have an extremely difficult time with accountability in your relationship. This will always create problems in a marriage.

The Magic Question

When your spouse is crossing a boundary, not owning their responsibilities, or not paying attention to something important in the marriage, we recommend that you ask them to address it by starting your question with this phrase: Would you be willing to…?

Remind yourself that your partner has the freedom to choose to meet that need or desire or NOT choose to not meet that need or desire. If your spouse is unwilling or unable to fulfill a desire or meet a need that you have, you have options: you can bring that need to healthy, trusted adult friend. Bring that into your relationship with Christ. Bring that need to a support group, pastor, or counselor.

Ultimately, trust is built over time when you demonstrate that you are clear on your own boundaries (what’s yours), and you can respect your spouses’ boundaries (what’s theirs). Bottom line: keep putting marbles in the jar in order to build a strong, healthy marriage built on trust and mutual respect.

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If you’re in a situation where there’s been a deep betrayal of trust, we encourage you to go back to two of our earlier podcast episodes: The Roots of Broken Trust and Managing the Weeds of Broken Trust, where we do an in-depth treatment on how to re-establish trust when it’s been broken.