Flipping the Script on Your Childhood Trauma
Are you who others say you are?
If you grew up in a dysfunctional or abusive family, the things you experienced have shaped you, but it might be difficult for you to openly acknowledge that your childhood was traumatic. It’s all you knew – and may have seemed ‘normal’ at the time.
If you’ve had a childhood like that, is it even possible to ‘flip the script’, and live a whole, healthy life? We’re here to tell you that it is, and talk to someone who has experienced every kind of trauma and is not just surviving but thriving.
In this next episode of our ongoing series, Surviving and Thriving After Trauma, our own Jules Lundberg sits down with Lynn to talk about healing from past trauma. Jules is a therapist with Crossing Counseling and the social media manager for WYITW.
We’re going to talk about some hard things today, as trauma is never easy subject matter, so as you listen, you may hear about some traumas that bring up a lot of emotion in you. Please take your time to process this episode and seek the help of a trusted friend or counselor if needed.
Lynn’s Conversation with Jules
Lynn: I’m so glad to talk to you today! You are not just part of the WYITW team, you are my friend. As we start, as I have reflected on your story, I have to ask - is there any trauma that you HAVEN’T encountered? I just want to name a few elements of your story that we are going to get into today:
Child of divorce
Severe childhood abuse
Substance abuse
Abusive marriage
Infidelity
Divorce
Infant Loss
Infertility
Remarriage & blended family
Foster care parent
Adoptive parent
Parenting kids from trauma
Jules: Well, Lynn, when you put it like that, no wonder I have this little exiled part of me that feels DEAD! What a story I have to tell, but especially because Jesus has redeemed me from the pit of hell.
Lynn: You’ve told me that you grew up in a dysfunctional family. And that even calling it ‘dysfunctional’ is hard to say. Tell me about your dysfunctional family.
Jules: I’m not sure why it’s hard to call it dysfunctional! It’s probably because it’s my story: if my growing up was dysfunctional, then how can I be functional? I learned a lot of “What not to do” in my dysfunctional family.
Curt Thompson says, “I am who I am because of who you tell me that I am.” My early caregivers wanted me to believe that everything that happened to me was my fault! So I went out into the world in my late teens and early 20’s and made everything that happened to me my fault. God put many good people in my life, but I was so broken I couldn’t even accept a healthy functional relationship.
Lynn: Was there a specific lie that was told to you that you believed and held on to as a result of that dysfunction?
Jules: That I was unworthy of a better life. That I was worthless. Unable to go to college. Nobody is ever going to love me. I am a disgrace.
Lynn: So you grow up in this dysfunctional family, and end up getting married in your early 20s. That marriage ended up being an abusive relationship. What was the turning point for you?
Jules: I thought abusive behavior was ‘normal’, but I was bringing the dysfunction that I was taught in childhood into my adulthood. I was pregnant with twins, and I caught him cheating on me. I still didn't believe he was abusive. I left him because he was cheating. Later I learned that someone can be in an abusive relationship for up to six years before physical violence starts.
When it comes to domestic abuse, people stay in these relationships, and every time they try to leave, they learn something new. But when they do leave, it increases their chance of death by 90%. So when they stay, it's about survival.
Lynn: You mentioned that during your first marriage you were pregnant, and we’re going to talk about what happened because the topic of infant loss isn’t something we hear about a lot. Yet I know there's a tremendous amount of sadness and grief because infant loss is an enduring loss – it’s one you feel throughout your life.
I don’t know if I’ve shared this with you, Jules, but my sister Lori and her husband Bruce lost their first daughter, Sarah, to stillbirth when she was about six months pregnant. It was very hard for our whole family to process. I know that they have not and never will forget Sarah. None of us will. We look forward to meeting her in heaven someday.
Jules: I remember when I first lost my girls. The sadness just encapsulates you. Brooklyn and Madeline - Brooke and Maddie is what I call them. I got pictures of them in the hospital. This was back in the day when we didn’t have cell phones. But the nurse brought in her camera and to this day, I have those pictures of my babies. I’m so thankful she did that.
I cry about this story because of the redemption part. Those girls were the reason I left their dad, my first husband. I had that hope of not wanting my girls to be raised in a dysfunctional home. They brought peace to my heart. I had felt lonely my whole life and being pregnant with them made me not feel so lonely. And they were the reason I was able to leave that abusive relationship.
Lynn: So you are pregnant with twins, separated from your husband, and moving towards divorce. At that time, did you feel that things were hopeless for your future? What were you clinging to as you were anticipating these major life changes?
Jules: I had a foundational thought process of who God was, but I just remember being so highly anxious and highly task-oriented. I started meeting with my first counselor around that time. I would talk a million miles an hour and he would just listen to me. One day he pointed out my anxiety and that was the beginning of my healing journey. I clung to the fact that I wanted a better life for my girls than the one I had experienced.
I was put on bedrest with the twins and was in the hospital because of some medical complications. I was a respiratory therapist at the time, so all the nurses and other staff would come by to check on me. One of the hospital staff was a man named Brian – we had been in respiratory therapy school together. He visited me often. He was also going through a divorce, and we bonded over that.
Lynn: Can you tell me about losing the twins?
Jules: At 32 weeks of pregnancy, I was cramping. I thought I would give birth to them that night, but when they did the ultrasound, there were no heartbeats. Brian was the one I called when I found out they were dead. He rushed to the hospital to hold my hand before I gave birth to the two girls. And he showed up to their funeral with pink and purple balloons for everyone to let go in memory of them.
God brought me and Brian together. We were a source of healing for each other. He has his own story to tell, but we climbed out of rock bottom together.
Lynn: You’ve mentioned to me that you had a “come to Jesus” moment on a plane from Las Vegas?
Jules: About a year after Brian and I were married, we went to Las Vegas as part of a respiratory sales job. We sat in a sales conference all day and partied all night. God wanted me to be in those meetings. There was a guy there talking about having balance in each of these areas: Food, Finances, Friends, Family, and Faith.
The one that stood out to me was Faith. On our way home from Las Vegas, I had a radical moment. I was like, “Oh my goodness, I had forgotten about God.” The veil was lifted from my eyes, and everything went from dark to light.
Job 12:22 says, "He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light." I coined the phrase, “Not my life anymore; God, do with my life what you will.” I finally understood, as one Bible commentary put it: “Questioning or arguing with God was unreasonable, but praising and repenting before Him was in order.”1
I finally understood that ‘questioning or arguing with God was unreasonable, but praising and repenting before Him was in order’.
Lynn: Wow, praise God! So I know we're kind of fast-forwarding a little bit, but there's so much to your story. You and Brian get married, and you're thinking of having children. But God leads you to pursue adoption.
Jules: Brian had a vasectomy years before I met him. We visited a fertility clinic, but it was so expensive, we decided that fostering and adopting was a better path for us. God guided us down that path. We fostered five boys who were biological siblings, and when they needed to be adopted, we adopted them. We fostered a girl as well, and since Brian has kids from his first marriage, we have a total of nine children!
Lynn: You like to say that your kids are a huge part of your healing journey.
Jules: I wanted to heal so that I didn't continue the generational patterns of my past. When I became a foster mom, I started learning about trauma. I went back to school to get my bachelor's degree in communications because I wanted to tell our story, this hopeful story of adopting five boys and healing from childhood trauma for myself. But then God opened the doors wide open to getting my master's degree in clinical mental health counseling. And now I'm working on my PhD.
Lynn: I am so impressed! It’s like that verse in Proverbs says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path.”
Even though there’s more to your story, I want us to talk about flipping the script on childhood trauma. This involves breaking generational cycles of abuse, shame, and dysfunction. We want to help our listeners think about 5 WAYS they can flip the script to rebuild their lives. Can you share those with us?
Jules: Here are 5 WAYS to flip the script on your childhood trauma and break the generational cycle:
1. Relational trauma requires relational healing. You need to restore your relationship with yourself, and then you can restore your relationship with others. This requires you to be vulnerable to safe people, and learn how to be present in the moment, state your needs, and ask for help.
2. Stop trying to get a difficult person to love you. This means any difficult person in your life! You must grieve the life you thought you were supposed to have. Grief, anger, and sadness are normal emotions that come from child abuse, domestic abuse, and dysfunctional families. Seeking attention from anyone you think can parent you or care for you only numbs and covers up the emotions.
3. Switch from thinking “They did the best they could” to “They refused to look at themselves”. Put an end to the gaslighting and validate that you are right about what happened to you - and it was wrong. Don’t expect people to “get it”. They may never “get it,” but your healing isn’t dependent on other people “getting it.”
4. Don’t give in to despair. You’re never as powerless as you were in childhood. Maintaining a victim mentality in adulthood only continues the generational cycle of dysfunctional abuse. You are responsible for your own healing. It’s easy to succumb to hopelessness and helplessness, the two emotions that cause trauma in the first place. But you have the power of Jesus to depend upon.
5. Reparent yourself. Trauma survivors hear the harmful scripts play over and over again. You are no longer who your early caregivers say you are. You can determine your own worth! It is time to let other people be responsible for themselves.
Lynn: Thank you, Jules! You are an inspiration to me. You are proof that when we turn our lives over to the Lord and live by his truth, we can experience transformation and peace. It doesn’t happen overnight, but when we make wise choices, we can live out our new identity: a beloved child of God.
Listen to the rest of Lynn’s conversation with Jules:
If you are in an abusive relationship and need support you can call the domestic abuse hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.
If you live in Columbia, Missouri, you can contact True North to receive education, counseling, and shelter from an abusive partner.
Rydelnik and Vanlaningham, Moody Bible Commentary, 2014