How Do I REALLY Talk with My Spouse?
Communication takes work but brings rewards.
Listen in: How Do I REALLY Talk with My Spouse?
It’s easy to engage in casual, polite conversations with others – even with family members and friends – without ever going deeper. After all, authentic conversations don’t just happen. They require us to intentionally expose our true feelings, ask for what we need or want, talk about our fears and failures, say what we really think – and be willing to receive the same type of vulnerability in return.
In the next episode of our series, Making Marriage Work, John and Austin sit down to talk about different levels of communication in marriage, from shallow to very deep. While it may take courage, intentionally pursuing deep emotional communication with your spouse will result in a lifelong friendship that will endure through life’s challenges. Over time as you get to know your spouse, and allow them to know you, you’ll establish an intimate bond that allows you to believe the best about each other.
Digging Your Way to Emotional Intimacy
A good way to think about communication is like burying treasure at the beach for your kids to find. You could bury a quarter just below the surface, a dollar about a foot down and a $100 dollar bill several feet deep in the sand and tell them to start digging. It won’t take much effort for them to find the quarter. It will be a little harder to find the dollar. But the real reward will come if they dig way down and found the $100 bill! In the meantime, you may have earned a little time of relaxation on the beach!
In the same way, different levels of communication have different costs and benefits. Level 1 is easy because it’s at the surface, but you won’t get a big payday. The deeper you go – Levels 2, 3, and 4 - the more digging you’re going to have to do, but the bigger the rewards.
Here is a handy breakdown of communication levels:
Level 1 (quarter) – Drive-through: Imagine yourself going through a fast-food drive through. You’re just there to pick up your food. It’s not the time or place to ‘go deep’; in fact, you might be annoyed if the person on the other end tried to ask you how you were doing!
Level 2 ($1) - News, sports, and weather: This level of communication goes a little bit beyond small talk, but not much. There’s a connection, but not much ‘heart’ in it. It’s just an exchange of facts and information.
Level 3 ($10) – Taking care of business: This is where most couples stay. It goes beyond facts and information, but not much. You may share about your day and talk about logistics, but not feelings.
Level 4 ($100) - Intimacy/Abiding: This is communication at the ‘heart level’. Now you're sharing your feelings, your emotions, times you felt frustrated, happy, sad, excited. This is the level where you really get to know the other person. They become your ally and confidant. Another way of phrasing this is when Jesus says, “Abide in me”, and that’s what this kind of intimacy is. Abiding in each other.
When Things Don’t Go According to Plan
When you’re dating, you get an idea of what the other person’s personality is like, but they’re usually on their best behavior, and there’s probably more depth than you can initially see. There are at least four chemicals in the brain that are washing over you in that romantic stage, and they literally blur reality.
If it didn’t happen that way, it’s possible that no one would ever marry! But this lack of transparency early on means that you might enter the relationship without being aware of the struggles and mishaps that may prevent you from Level 4 intimacy.
Personality Differences – One person may enjoy ‘going deeper’ but the other person likes to take things more slowly. Maybe one person struggles with communication and the other person enjoys long, intense conversations. These differences may not be apparent early on but can cause trouble down the road.
The Little Things – It’s often said that the things that attract you to the other person early on will be the things that annoy you later in the relationship. This may be because you were seeking to heal childhood wounds with the relationship at the beginning, and found yourself attracted to someone with traits similar to one or both of your parents. Those traits may end up being very triggering!
Past Relationships – If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you were honest and vulnerable, and then the things you shared were used against you, you might feel like you never want to open up to someone else again.
Family of Origin – Maybe you grew up in an environment where honesty and vulnerability weren’t allowed, or even actively discouraged. Perhaps you were shamed for showing your feelings, and consciously or unconsciously decided to hide your true feelings as an adult. Doing the work of healing childhood wounds can allow you to move towards emotional intimacy with your spouse.
Moving to Level 4
The process of knowing your spouse intimately can take a lifetime. But there are some things to be aware of that can facilitate more conversations in Level 4.
Your spouse may need some time in the lower levels before they can connect deeply. If you want to go immediately to Level 4, you may find resistance. Conversely, you may need some small talk (“How was your day?”) before you can talk about feelings and emotions. Take time to observe your spouse. Ask them what their comfort level is before bringing up a sensitive topic.
You also need to be aware of timing. There may be times where something is on your heart, but logistically, your spouse doesn’t have the ability to be an active listener and give you the focus and attention that you need. Building in communication to your relationship can be extremely helpful. Many couples like to set aside time once a week to get caught up on how things are going and bring up issues that need resolution.
If you’ve been married a long time, you might have the experience of initiating a conversation with your spouse and noticing defensive or shut-down responses on their part. This can be very hurtful and difficult – especially when you know they have the ability to communicate but not the willingness.
One technique we recommend in those situations is called mirroring. For example, if your spouse responds defensively to you, you might say, "I noticed that when I brought up that topic, you got defensive and pulled away. Can you tell me what is going on?” You can also share how their behavior affects you: “When you respond that way, it makes my heart want to run 20 miles away. I don’t like that for our relationship. Would you be willing for us to figure out how we both contribute to this distance?”
They’ll either come back with, “Yes, I am willing to do that”, or “No, I’m not willing to do that.” Regardless of their answer, now you know what you’re working with. If you received a “No”, you know that your partner is resistant to working through communication issues, and may be hardened and unrepentant. At that point, you may need to grieve the fact that the relationship is not what you want it to be, and find other healthy friendships to support you through those disappointments.
When you have realized that your spouse will not engage with you, you may have to enact some natural consequences. Perhaps they are spending too much time away from home, are uninterested in sharing parenting duties, or are refusing to give up addictive behaviors.
You cannot change them, but you can set boundaries for what you are willing and unwilling to do in that situation. If your marriage has reached that point, we highly recommend counseling – even just for you, if your spouse refuses to go – so that you can process your feelings and have guidance as you work on your side of the relationship.
Some Good News
One thing we observe as therapists is that most couples want to communicate! What keeps them from communicating well is that they are so afraid they will not be heard that it makes it hard to hear the other person.
In other words, there’s a difference between unwillingness and inability. Many times, couples simply don’t have the skills they need in order to communicate on a deeper level. But skills can be developed if the willingness is there!
It’s helpful to think of it this way: instead of fighting to be heard in your marriage, which comes so naturally, turn the tables and fight for the other person to be heard. While you may be waiting to get to Level 4, trust that God is working in the background of your relationship to bring about maturity and growth. It may take a long time to learn how to REALLY talk with your spouse, but when you do, the reward is that you have built a friendship that can go the distance.