How Kids Can Build Up and Break Down Your Marriage
Can your marriage still thrive once kids come along?
Listen in: How Kids Can Build Up and Break Down Your Marriage
Kids might be the best and worst thing for a marriage! On the one hand, they’re “a blessing from the Lord” (Psalm 127:3) and Jesus himself said “Let the little children come to me” (Matthew 19:14). But on the other hand, they’re loud, messy, needy, and can (unintentionally) create barriers between spouses.
In this next episode of our ongoing marriage series, Making Marriage Work, Austin and Shay discuss how kids change the marriage relationship, how their kids have helped build up their own marriages, the ways kids can break down a marriage, and practical ways to build your marriage back up in the midst of parenting.
Kids Change Marriage!
A new US Surgeon General report warns that parenting can be harmful to your mental health, and parents are under dangerous levels of stress. The report cites the American Psychological Association, saying nearly half of parents report overwhelming stress most days, compared with 26% of other adults. In a 2021 survey from health insurance company Cigna, 65% of parents said they were lonely, compared with 55% of those without kids.
It may sound strange to think that parents are lonelier than other adults but caring for children can be so overwhelming that there are times when you feel very isolated, helpless, and alone. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably experienced that. And a lot of that is because kids change marriage in several ways:
First of all, when you have a child, you’re introducing another person into your marriage. Things will never go back to the way they were before! Some of those changes are positive, but kids introduce a whole new set of challenges.
Second, when you have kids, you now have so many more activities and responsibilities to navigate and manage. School, illness, parties, sports, field trips, and most importantly, the constant job of character development.
Third, your finances will change! Kids cost a lot. Financial obligations can cause stress in the marriage relationship, and you may face disagreement about the best ways to use your money to meet your child’s needs.
Fourth, when you have kids, your sex life is going to change! You’re probably not going to have sex as much as you want. And the quality of your sex life will likely change - you’ll have less energy and less time alone with your spouse.
Building Up
Psalm 127:3 says that children are a heritage from the Lord, a reward from him. So while they do make our lives more complex, they are also a huge source of blessing and joy and provide many ways of building up your relationship. In fact, there are many ways that kids add to your marriage:
Kids help you work together as a team – You have to coordinate schedules for school, sports, appointments, vacations. All of this works better when you have a team mindset to help you navigate logistics and responsibilities. This highlights why being a single mom or dad is so challenging – it’s a lot to deal with on your own!
Kids help you have intentional conversations – You will need to talk about your child’s unique temperament and personality, how to provide them with a sense of safety and belonging, and how to encourage their gifts and talents. You’ll need to discuss what priorities and traditions do you want to embody as a family? What is our stance on social media and screen time? Without kids, you would not have to dive into these topics and distill them down.
Kids help you trust each other – You have to assume the best of one another's motives and actions when it comes to things like discipline or navigating unexpected conversations that come up in the moment. You will also need to set boundaries together - if you don’t present a united front, kids will sense it and divide you!
Kids help soften you in appropriate and healthy ways – Because kids will often increase the “chaos factor” of your household, you will find yourself putting chores and other obligations on the back burner, slowing down, and enjoying the small moments. You will become more compassionate, charitable, and kind as you see the world through the eyes of your child.
Kids help you laugh together – Kids will make funny, random comments out of the blue and bring a sense of wonder and adventure to normal, everyday events.
Kids bring joy as you watch them grow up – You enjoy the times where you can take credit for things that you’ve instilled in them and positive traits they inherit from you.
Kids display God’s loving guidance – You delight in your kids when you see God work in and through them to develop their talents and character.
Kids make you appreciate your spouse – Moms and dads are different and both bring needed gifts and skills to parenting. Having kids gives you a chance to see and appreciate the things that your spouse brings to the family.
Kids help you to have a servant’s heart – Jesus was willing to humble himself to serve others. As soon as kids enter your life, you’ve got to serve them for many years and often you will not hear a “thank you”. It can be a thankless job.
Kids help you grow in the Fruit of the Spirit – Kids will test your patience, and you will need to develop love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. These qualities will be necessary so that you don’t let anger take over in frustrating situations. Dealing graciously with your kids brings you to the end of your own will, and reveals your shortcomings, weaknesses, and selfishness.
Kids increase your dependence on God – Parenting can be very frustrating, and you need God's wisdom, grace, and forgiveness. The longer you’re a parent, the more you can look back and see the mistakes that you’ve made. When you hurt your kids, you need forgiveness from them but from God as well.
Kids draw you to God – You may not have grown up going to church or you have fallen away. But you may feel an obligation to give your kids a spiritual foundation, even if you didn’t have one. By going to church with your kids, you will grow spiritually and end up being a better parent as a result.
Breaking Down
For all the joy they bring, there are also several ways that having kids can challenge and even break down the marriage relationship:
Create isolation – Child rearing is very stressful and emotionally draining. This leaves little margin for you to be present emotionally for your spouse and to meet their emotional needs. At the end of the day, you’re both stressed and spread thin, so there’s not much time or energy left to give to the marriage relationship. When that happens, each person can feel that they are not seen or appreciated by the other person.
If this is the day-in-and-day-out pattern in your marriage, you may be sowing seeds to get divorced when the kids grow up and move out. That’s why it’s so important to be sure to praise your spouse for the good job they do with the kids, look for ways to help each other and spend time together as a couple.
Create chronic stress – Raising kids can be very costly, and that can create financial stress. You may disagree over discipline as one of you might have stricter boundaries and higher expectations for behavior, and the other might be more relaxed. Some couples have kids who have significant physical needs or behavioral or learning disorders. This child may need a disproportionate amount of your time and energy compared to your other children.
Create disconnection – Over the years you may grow apart. You only see your spouse as the “mother” or “father” of your children, you don’t see your spouse as the person you fell in love with. The kids are the center of your universe to the exclusion of caring for your spouse or marriage. This is an easy trap to fall into, but it’s actually disordered. God’s plan is that he comes first, then the marriage, then the kids.
Create anger, bitterness, and resentment toward your spouse – When you have conflict with your spouse over parenting, you can begin to resent your spouse and see them as the enemy. The kids have become a wedge between you and your spouse. You might feel hurt and angry if the way you parent has been dismissed, invalidated or even mocked.
That all sounds like a lot! But if you have experienced some of these things in your marriage, there is hope for change.
Build Up Your Marriage
Here are some practical ways you can intentionally build up – or rebuild – your marriage during your child rearing years:
Plan regular date nights and getaways – This can be hard to do, especially when the kids are little, but one day you’re going to be an empty nester, so don’t build your marriage around the children. It takes help to do this in the early years! Enlist grandparents or other family members to babysit. If money is tight, trade childcare with some friends so you can each get a night away from the kids. If you’re a single parent, find mentors for your kids at church and become involved in the church community to receive help and support.
Schedule “State of the Union” meetings – Every once in awhile (some couples make this a yearly thing), sit down with your spouse to discuss what you can work on together for the year. What are some good things that are happening in your marriage? Where are some areas that you need to learn and grow? What issues do you see with the kids, and how can you address them? Some couples write family mission statements, but even if you don’t include that, make sure you are having intentional, proactive conversations about your relationship and family.
Address “Elephants” – There are times when it’s necessary to bring up some dynamics that you’re seeing in your marriage. Perhaps you were too harsh on the kids, and you need to apologize but also talk to your spouse about it. Or maybe you notice a dysfunctional pattern of interaction between your spouse and one of your kids.
It may feel awkward and uncomfortable to bring these things up, but in doing so, you’re prioritizing and tending to your marriage. And that is showing love towards your kids, because they will feel safe and secure if mom and dad are working on themselves and their marriage. Reserve these talks for times that the kids are in bed (or not around) so that you can talk freely and openly.
Having uncomfortable or awkward conversations with your spouse about things that need to be addressed in your relationship is showing love towards your kids, because they will feel safe and secure if mom and dad are working on themselves and their marriage.
Express appreciation – Be sure to let your spouse know what a great job they are doing! Genuine appreciation goes a long way. Handwritten thank-you notes, flowers, words of affirmation and encouragement. It’s like writing a check and putting it in your partner’s relational bank.
Children Are a Blessing
Ultimately, your children are a blessing from God. They’re to be enjoyed. But you need to make sure that things are in the right order: God, marriage, children. At the bedrock of all of these relationships, Jesus has to be your ultimate foundation. If you are following him, and adopting a posture of humility and grace, it will have a profound impact on your parenting and ultimately build up your marriage.