How to Deal with Difficult People
Love that sets limits
Most likely, you have a few difficult people in your life. Whether they are openly critical and confrontational or subtly manipulative and controlling, you may find yourself wondering, “How am I supposed to respond in a Christlike way without continuing to get hurt?”
In this perceptive episode of our How to Handle Life series, John shares three effective, biblically-based strategies for dealing with difficult people. He’ll also explain God’s different responses to repentant and unrepentant people, why gentleness works in some situations but not in others, and how boundaries can actually be a form of kindness.
You’ll learn practical strategies to protect your heart and engage difficult people without becoming harsh, controlling, or unloving. If you’ve ever felt stuck between “Turning the other cheek” and “I can’t keep doing this,” this episode is for you.
Highlights from this Episode
In this series, we’re covering hot topics that are sometimes difficult to navigate and giving you strategies to tackle them. Today we’re going to look at how to deal with difficult people.
Let’s start by looking at the way God responds to difficult people. The first question that God always asks is, are they repentant or are they unrepentant? A repentant person is willing to take ownership of their actions. They are teachable, rational, and humble. They’re soft-hearted. An unrepentant person refuses to take responsibility for their actions. It’s always someone else’s fault. They aren’t teachable or humble. They’re hard-hearted.
It’s good to highlight this distinction because when you have really difficult people in your life, you may think it’s your responsibility to put on an attitude of gentleness, and kindness, and turn the other cheek. That works really well with a repentant person. A ‘normal sinner’, as we sometimes say. However, when the person is unrepentant or unreasonable, you may need another strategy.
A Biblical Framework
The Bible talks about difficult people and how to deal with them. In 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Paul says, “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Then in Titus 3:10, he says, “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.” The unruly and divisive require stern responses like admonishment and then having nothing to do with them.
It turns out that the most loving response you can have towards a difficult person is to help them or influence them to become a repentant person. And in this short episode, we’re going to focus on how to help an unrepentant person in your life by setting conditions that nudge them toward becoming a repentant person.
No out-of-control or hurtful behavior is ever going to change if it doesn’t get one basic thing: limits, which we also call boundaries. Sometimes you must give a person limits, and oftentimes that doesn’t look to them like you’re being nice. Or, you may not feel like you’re being nice when you set boundaries, but it is a form of kindness.
Limits are good for the offender. But they’re also good for the one who is being hurt because limits provide a protective shield from the harsh elements of a relationship in which one person is hurting another. Once the person who’s getting hurt gains a little bit of power, the difficult person starts being a little less difficult. And the hurt party starts gaining some freedom.
The strategies here are not meant to manipulate or control someone. First, they’re meant to protect you from hurt or further hurt if you’re being hurt repeatedly. Second, they’re designed to influence the offender to see things differently. Think of them as an invitation to repentance. You cannot control another person, but what you can do is relate to them in a way that will incline them to want to control themselves.
You cannot control another person, but what you can do is relate to them in a way that will incline them to want to control themselves.
3 Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People
1. The Ask: This is the first level of intervention. This is to use with the person who seems to enjoy criticizing you or the spouse or roommate who leaves their junk everywhere, or someone who cuts you down in front of your friends all the time.
This may come across as seemingly benign because it’s pretty simple. In the business world, if you craft an email, you need to have a clear asking point. Here it is: “Would you be willing…?”
Would you be willing to stop interrupting me when I’m telling a story at a party?
Would you be willing to not snap at me like that?
Would you be willing to help me with the kids?
Would you be willing to pick up after yourself?
Would you be willing to give me notice when you’re running late?
Before you dismiss this strategy as being not very powerful, think about this. When was the last time you were in a conflict where you asked a question? Usually when one person is upset with another person, they vent by criticizing. That puts the other person on the defensive.
Instead, this strategy forces the other person to slow down and think about what their own will. What are they willing to do? Are they open to learning and growing? Do they value your request? If they are soft-hearted, they will respect your request and change their behavior. If they are hard-hearted, their words and actions will indicate that they’re not willing to consider your request or make any changes on your behalf. That’s when you can use the next strategy.
2. The Picture: Remember show-and-tell in kindergarten? This is the show part. It’s like holding up a mirror to show them the impact of their actions on the relationship.
With this tool, you’re not using a lot of words. You’re not threatening. You’re not nagging, you’re not judging, you’re not telling them what they’re supposed to do, you’re simply showing them. You’re making them aware of reality.
One way to communicate ‘the picture’ is using this formula: “When you ____, I feel ____.”
Here’s what this might sound like: “When you come in with a scowl on your face, I feel like I have done something wrong. I want to pull away from you. A part of my heart starts to shrink. And that hurts our relationship.”
This is what admonishing the unruly could look like in real life. You’re simply putting hands and feet to the principles in Scripture. If the person softens, then you can drop your guard and open your arms. But first, you’re inviting them to look at their actions and how they’re affecting the relationship.
I have a mentor who likes to say a picture is worth a thousand words, but an experience is like a thousand pictures. And this is what the third tactic is.
3. The Price Tag: Sometimes a person needs to experience the cost of their actions. This is the price tag. This is not revenge or retaliation. You’re simply letting the way in which someone relates to you dictate how you respond to them or what they experience from you.
Here’s an example. If you took your car to the shop and the mechanic says, “Here comes that guy that doesn’t know how to take care of his car, the broken car guy, what’d you do now? If you maintained your car more carefully, you wouldn’t have to spend so much money on this!” How likely are you to go back to that repair shop? Probably never again.
Is that because you’re mean? Is it because you’re retaliating? Or because you’re unforgiving? No. It’s just that being treated that way makes you less inclined to be in that place with that person again. You will not be disposed to be favorable toward them in the future unless their behavior changes.
Here’s an example of the price tag. A friend of mine would visit his father and his father would get intoxicated and say mean things. One day my friend said to his dad, “I’m happy to be here, but if you start drinking and you get mean, I’m going to leave and I’ll come back tomorrow when you’re sober.”
Ultimately, the price of hurtful behavior may mean the loss of the relationship. In the meantime, these strategies will help you determine if this difficult person is willing to make any changes. Hurtful people will continue to hurt you if you allow them to. When you shine a light on them, they have a motive to work on themselves.
Apologies Without Repentance
Before we wrap up, let’s address the chronic apologizer. When someone apologizes but never changes, there are two things you can do. First, accept the apology, but take care of your hurt feelings. That may mean setting a boundary or giving yourself some space from this person. If you respond this way and they go ballistic, you’re going to find out the truth: they really weren’t sorry at all. They were just in the “I’m sorry” phase of their crazy cycle.
Second, you might say something like this. “It feels good when you apologize to me. But the next time this happens, how would you like me to respond to you? What do you want me to do?” A repentant person is going to say something like, “Throw the book at me, ask me to leave the house for 20 minutes, put me in time out, I just don’t want to hurt you again.” A hard-hearted person is going to reveal that they don’t want any consequences, and you may need to set some limits with them.
Difficult people are going to show up in your life. That’s something you can count on. Be prepared to protect yourself and use these strategies to encourage the difficult person to slow down and take a look at themselves. If they are able to grow and choose different behaviors, you will start to feel confidence. Loving others by engaging with strength is a type of love that is extremely powerful.
Looking for more help on loving with limits? Check out our free Setting Healthy Boundaries download.