Is it Really the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

For many, it's the hardest time of the year

What you see on the outside of people’s lives never tells the full story. Even the beautiful family Christmas card isn’t an accurate picture of reality. There’s a lot of sadness and brokenness in this world, and it’s easy to push it away and not enter into it. It’s normal to want to numb yourself or avoid and gloss over the hurt.

But Jesus was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; he felt sad because he did life the right way. He entered our world of darkness and sin so he could be a part of our heartbreak and identify with our pain.

In the next episode of our holiday miniseries, How to Keep Your Sanity Over the Holidays, John, Shay, and Lynn acknowledge that the holidays can both be a time of levity and joy but can also be a time where we face hard realities. They sit down to talk about:

• 5 basic principles of grieving loss

• Ways to honor the memory of a loved one

• How to comfort someone who is hurting over the holidays

• The BEST gift you can give someone this Christmas - and it’s FREE!

It’s the Hardest Time of the Year

Here are just a few reasons the holidays might be hard for you:

- Divorce has impacted your family and your ability to be with your kids

- Family members may have unresolved conflict or even be estranged

- Your kids are grown, live far away, or are too busy to see you

- You have a prodigal child who won’t speak to you anymore

- You’ve lost a loved one

- You or a family member has a chronic illness or disability

- You’re far from home and can’t be with your family

Even if you don’t see yourself on this list, there are many other reasons why the holiday season is painful, and ‘celebrating’ is hard. Sometimes it seems easier to put a smile on your face rather than embrace the pain. You’re not alone - most likely, everyone you meet is hurting in ways they may not even be able to share.

This poem by Diane Hendricks, written in 2001 after 9/11, speaks to the pain of the holidays but also to the hope we can find in God. If this poem gives voice to things you’re feeling right now, that in and of itself can bring a sense of relief:

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Only it's not.

Not for everyone.

Not when there is an empty chair at the table.

Not when your body is ravaged with illness.

Not when the depression is too much to bear.

Not without her voice joining yours on the Christmas carols.

Not when you feel all alone even in a crowd.

Not when you are not sure you can even afford the rent or mortgage, let alone the presents.

Not when they are trying their best to get the best of you.

Not when another Christmas party means he will come home drunk again.

It's the most wonderful time of the year? No, it's not.

And trying to smile and say Merry Christmas is more than difficult. It's pretty near impossible.

It is the most wonderful time of the year, not because we have to be cheery and happy and merry.

But because we don't.

We can have heavy spirits and shattered dreams. Broken hearts and deep wounds.

And still God comes to be with us

To comfort us.

To redeem us.

To save us.

To restore us.

To empower us.

To strengthen us.

To grant us peace.

To be raised for us.

To hold us in the communion of saints with those whom you have loved and lost.

To store our tears in his bottle.

To offer us eternal life.

5 Principles of Grieving

Regardless of what you are going through, underneath the sadness, sorrow, loss, and regret is grief. Henry Cloud says in the book, How People Grow, “Grief is the pain that heals all others.” If you do the difficult work of grieving, you can keep moving forward.

Principle #1: You acknowledge the reality of what has happened. Humans are capable of a great deal of denial. You may ‘know’ the cold hard facts of what has happened but have not acknowledged the impact that it has had on you. It may take some therapy, prayer, and journaling for you to process the impact of the losses you have experienced, which means it may get harder before it gets better. This is why, when it comes to healing from trauma, “The only way out is through”.

Principle #2: You protest it. You get angry at it. You try to reverse it. The reason why anger enters the picture is because you weren’t designed for loss. So grief is allowing yourself to say, “This should NOT have happened. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.” You know intuitively that you were made for flourishing, connection, and thriving, so loss and pain will always feel unjust.

Principle #3: Embrace reality and let go. “I really want this to be different but it’s not.” Accept God’s will. God is sovereign, and he allows things that you may not want. Letting go is realizing that you may not like it or understand it, but with humility, you accept it. You can cycle through this many times over until you finally bow to this reality. If you don’t accept reality, you will stay stuck in lots of unhealthy things to avoid your loss.

Principle #4: You let new things in. During a season of grieving, you will need love, support, and comfort. You need people, maybe in a way you never have before. You may usually be on the giving end of love, but you will need to be on the receiving end of love. Being a part of a healthy church community that can serve as extended family, or sometimes in place of family, can help you in important, tangible ways.

Principle #5: You can RESIST grief, but you shouldn’t. Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time to weep, but there’s also a time to laugh, and dance. Everything has its time - and sorrow has its time too. So don’t resist it. It’s okay to grieve.

Creating New Holiday Traditions

Once you’ve moved through these steps, you may be ready to create new holiday traditions when things don’t look the way you want them to – especially if you are grieving the loss of a loved one. Here are some ideas for new traditions that can help during this difficult time:

1. Talk About Them:

• Create a memory box or table with photos, mementos of your loved one.

• Light a candle in their honor during holiday gatherings.

• Hang a special ornament or decoration that reminds you of them.

• Have a moment of silence or make a toast to them during holiday meals.

2. Incorporate Their Favorites:

• Prepare their favorite holiday dish or use their cherished recipes.

• Play their favorite holiday music or watch their preferred holiday movie.

• Visit a place they loved during the holiday season.

3. Create New Memories:

• Start a memory box where family members can contribute photos, notes, or drawings about your loved one.

• Begin a tradition of sharing stories and favorite memories of the person who has passed.

• Consider traveling to a new place for the holidays if staying home feels too difficult.

4. Engage in Self-Care and Support

• Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions and adjust your expectations for the season.

• Connect with others who are grieving, perhaps by starting a support group or meeting for a meal.

• Create a gratitude ritual where family members share things they're thankful for, including memories of your loved one.

The Best Gift You Can Give

Gift-giving can be challenging, but we’d like to suggest a gift that you can give to anyone – it’s a one-size-fits-all present. It’s something that everyone wants, and no one can ever get enough of. And it’s free!

Can you guess what it is?

BASIC EMPATHY!

Sometimes we ask our clients when they last talked with someone who focused on them without distractions. Has anyone listened for a long time, not rushed to offer judgment or solutions, and accepted intense feelings? Has anyone provided comfort and empathy and given them permission to not be okay? Most people do not experience this often, and become emotional or reflective when asked, with some admitting they have never received such attention in their lives. This shows how powerful basic empathy can be.

The Most Meaningful Time of the Year

We want you to be able to grieve the hard things but hold that in tension with the hope that God has sent us in Jesus, his indescribable gift. Find ways to honor your loved ones this holiday season. Lean into the process of grief and acknowledge that this may NOT be the most wonderful time of the year for you, and that’s okay. And consider giving the simple act of showing up and listening to someone else who is hurting. It may be the best gift they have ever received.