Listen in: Let’s Talk About Sex
[Please note: This episode deals with some sensitive issues that can bring up a wide range of emotions based on your personal experiences. We encourage you to listen or read at your own pace, giving yourself time to process as needed.]
This episode might make you blush, it might make you cringe, and it might make you laugh! But if you want to make your marriage work, you’re going to have to address your sex life. Intrigued yet?
In this episode of our ongoing series, Making Marriage Work, Austin and his wife Polly discuss things you need to know about sex, wrong messages the world tells you about sex, and specific takeaways for husbands, wives, and couples in general. We’d like to help you become a good steward of your sexuality!
We asked Polly to join Austin because men and women have different perspectives on sex, and we wanted to represent both points of view. Our hope is that this episode will leave you feeling normalized, encouraged, and hopefully willing to address the topic of sex in your marriage wherever and however you need to.
Where Are You Coming From?
As Christians, we approach sex from a biblical point of view – intended to be enjoyed between one man and one woman, united in marriage. Sex is one of the most powerful, intimate, and pleasurable experiences that we can have as human beings. But because of its amazing goodness and inherent value, it's also a place where the enemy, the world, and our own sin can wreak havoc and destruction.
It’s important to understand the difference between sexuality and sex. Everyone has a sexuality – it’s the capacity to experience and enjoy sexual pleasure. Sex is an action; it’s the expression, enjoyment, exploration of sexual pleasure with another person.
We understand that there is a broad spectrum of sexual experiences:
You’ve never had sex. You’re single, engaged, or waiting for your wedding day – someday!
Perhaps you’ve had sexual experiences outside of marriage. Now you are committed to the biblical sexual ethic, yet wondering how your past might influence your future.
Maybe you are newly married, and you’re still in your honeymoon phase, and it’s going great!
Or you’re newly married and things aren’t going the way you thought they would. Your sex life is more painful or awkward than you thought it was going to be.
You’ve been married for a long time and things are going well; you’re comfortable and familiar with your partner and can express what you like.
Or you may be struggling in your sex life because of pornography use, an affair, or past abuse in you or your partner’s background. You’ve grown cynical and have given up on connecting sexually.
Before we continue, we do want you to know that we’re not the experts! We’ve been married for 15 years, not 30 or 40. We’re also not going to cover everything, and we’re going to stay relatively big-picture. If, after listening, you feel like you need more help, we encourage you to talk to a trusted friend or seek counseling.
3 Things You NEED to Know About Sex
1. Sex is good! Anything God makes is good, and he designed us to enjoy sex! The Bible says in Genesis 2:24-25, “A man shall leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and they become one flesh. Therefore, Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
Can sex be hurtful, and used as a weapon to control and manipulate? Yes. We’ll talk more about how in this episode. But at its heart, as God designed it, it’s good. It’s a powerful means of connection – perhaps the most intimate on this earth. It offers mental, emotional, and physical closeness in the most vulnerable way.
Sex is a powerful means of connection – perhaps the most intimate on this earth. It offers mental, emotional, and physical closeness in the most vulnerable way.
Sex is also good because it’s pleasurable. It feels good! That isn’t something to shy away from, but to acknowledge and be thankful for! Sex can be pleasurable for both men AND women. Women do not have to conform to a man’s desires, and their pleasure should not be secondary to his.
Men, like women, desire emotional connection through sex. Where they differ is that men want to have sex in order to connect emotionally, but the connection is typically felt afterwards. For women, the emotional connection comes first. Once that happens, they are going to be more open to connecting through sex.
2. Sex is complicated! While our bodies are naturally sexual, there are going to be inherent problems with the process because we live in a fallen, broken, less than ideal world. Every season is going to bring different good and bad to your sex life.
If you have suffered from sexual abuse and/or harm, you may find that your body won’t cooperate, will shut down, and sex might be painful. Men can suffer from performance issues, and women will find that hormones, especially during perimenopause and menopause, can impact their mood, sleep, and other factors that lead to less desire and a less satisfactory sex life.
Relational conflict, childrearing responsibilities, and life stressors can all work against and even prevent sexual connection. There may be things in your marriage that are antithetical to openness and vulnerability, like anger, resentment, exhaustion, health issues, job stress, and emotional disconnection.
It’s been said that sex is a thermometer of the health of your marriage, so if you find your sex life is not thriving, you need to be asking yourself some questions about your relationship. Some of the issues may be things that you and your partner can address together. Other things may be more serious, and in that case, we highly recommend couples counseling.
3. Sex is an appetizer, not the main course! Appetizers are great, but they’re not the entirety of the meal and you anticipate that the main course is coming. In the same way, sex is an amazing way of connecting that God has given to us, but it’s not the only way. You can still have deep connections with family, friends, mentors and fellow believers. If you never have sex, it’s okay. It’s just a small experience of the connection and union that is coming when Jesus returns to be together with his people.
Think about it this way: you can have the most fulfilling and satisfying and God-honoring sex life in the entire world and you're still going to be left wanting. Why? Because sex is not meant to be the end-all and the be-all that our culture tries to tell us that it is. You will always long for something greater, better, and more satisfying, which is the fullness of experiencing your relationship with Jesus.
4 WRONG Messages the Enemy, the World, and Your Sinful Nature Tell You About Sex
Before we get into the wrong messages, we need to clarify each of these biblical categories. The enemy is Satan and his demons. They are out to ruin and destroy God’s kingdom purposes whenever and however they can. The world is the broader, unbelieving secular society and system of culture. Whether you know it or not, the world is teaching you and your kids what to think about sex. Our human sinful nature is a corrupting force in our lives that seeks selfish desires apart from God.
Wrong Message #1: Sex is a need
This message is proclaimed in popular culture and in academia, and can feed off of your sinful nature, justifying selfish desires. But we believe that sex is a want, not a need! You need water. You need food. You need sleep. If you don’t get those, you will die. But you will not die for not having sex. You might be disappointed, a little more frustrated or irritable, maybe even struggle with temptation. But you won’t die from a lack of sex.
Wrong Message #2: Sex is for power
This message from the world says “I’m going to have sex with another person, and use them, to gain a sense of control and to feel powerful.” It can happen in very explicit ways and in very subtle ways. To be sure, there is an element of power in sex. That can’t be avoided. But the way God intended for this power to be used is for providing security and safety for the other, especially the wife. But all too often men use sex - whether it’s with their spouse, someone else, or even in and through pornography - to gain a sense of power and control, and this comes at the expense of the woman.
Wrong Message #3: Sex is for escape
There are times when sex can be a means of escape. Maybe work or parenting is extremely stressful. Maybe you aren’t getting any validation or respect or care from your friendships, or even from your spouse. Maybe life is really overwhelming.
All of these feelings don’t feel good! What to do? Look for a way to feel better. How can you feel better? In and through sex! In some ways this is a genius coping strategy that sort of works for a time. But it’s problematic because it becomes all about the person as an individual seeking release and comfort, instead of involving the person’s spouse. This is something to guard against even in a healthy marriage!
Wrong Message #4: Sex is shameful
This message might be the most pervasive from the enemy, and is a surefire way to keep you feeling stuck. It’s so natural for men and women to believe that sex is shameful, and dirty. The idea of sex might make you recoil, or squirm, or even downright disgust you. Or maybe you have an internal civil war - part of you wants to have sex, but another part of you doesn’t like sex, and believes you don’t deserve it because of your past or current sexual sins.
Perhaps you have body image issues and can only have sex in the dark or with your clothes on. If you look at pornography, and you may now associate it with sexual pleasure, and you can’t untangle the two. Maybe you were shamed as a person for a sexual mistake you made in your past, and you internalized the message that “I’m dirty, or broken.” And worst of all maybe you were sexually abused or assaulted at some point in your life. And you feel shame even though you are not at fault, and you did nothing wrong.
If that’s you, we hope you hear the fact that abuse of any kind is the fault of the abuser, and no one else. You didn’t deserve that abuse, and it’s wrong. If that’s hard to hear, we get it. But we hope you hear it.
Specific Takeaways for Husbands, Wives, and Couples
For Husbands: Make sure that your wife doesn’t feel obligated to say yes. If you are guilting your wife into having sex or assuming that you will have sex at certain times or on a certain schedule, it’s time to change tack. Obligation kills desire in women. You’ll both be more satisfied if you wait until she’s ready and feels emotionally connected to you.
For Wives: Women, your body is made to respond sexually and that is good and that is okay. There’s no shame in that. If you’ve had experiences in the past that have hurt you, it’s worth pursuing healing so that you can experience sex in marriage the way God designed it. When healing happens in this area, it’s a beautiful thing. We highly recommend you find a counselor with knowledge in this area to help you heal.
For Couples: Marriage goes through different seasons, and so does your sex life – that’s normal. Don’t be surprised by the ups and downs. Hopefully by God's grace, you're trending upward where it gets better the older you get. Continue to communicate openly with each other. Create a culture in your marriage where it’s normal to talk about these things together, even if it’s sometimes awkward or painful.
While it's important to voice what you want and what's important to you, sex is also a way to serve each other. You may have to find a compromise, because your wants and needs may not always align perfectly with your partner’s. Husbands, help your wives by lightening the mental load she carries. Help her with daily tasks, not with the sense of getting her to say yes to sex, but because you care about her.
We’ve shared a lot of information in this episode, so take some time to think it through and figure out what will be most helpful in your relationship. Seek out books, podcasts, and counseling if needed – just make sure the advice and information you are receiving is from a trusted source and is biblically based. Whatever time and effort you put into improving your sex life will bring great rewards!
Recommended resources:
The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended by Shelia Wray Gregoire
BONUS EPISODE: The Sex Talk You Never Got - with
Did you ever get “the talk?” Do you remember feeling encouraged and hopeful, or were you left feeling awkward, ashamed, confused and with more questions than answers?
Whatever you might have learned about sex when you were growing up, your view of sex has likely been shaped by our sexualized culture that reduces sex to body parts. At the same time, you also may have been influenced by a church culture that emphasizes “purity” as the sole focus of your spiritual maturity.
In this transparent conversation, Austin and John explore these topics with Sam Jolman based on his book The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality. Sam lays out a captivating and beautiful view of sex and sexuality (especially for men) that we think will leave both men and women encouraged, equipped, and curious - all of which is needed to understand sex the way God intended it to be.