Loving Your Prodigal
How should you respond when a loved one walks away?
Listen now: Loving Your Prodigal – Series 7, Episode 6
In the sixth episode of our Managing Your Dysfunctional Family series, Shay and Lynn talk about how to love someone who has rejected you and fractured the relationship you once had. We’re speaking primarily of prodigal children today, but this applies to any friend or family member who has a hardened heart towards you or towards God.
If you’re a parent who has experienced this, we want to start by normalizing you. When this happens there is embarrassment and shame, and hurt runs deep. Please know that you can be the best parent in the world and still have a prodigal child. In fact, God parented Adam and Eve, so they had perfect parenting, and yet they rebelled, rejected the instruction they were given, and experienced harsh consequences as a result.
We recommend the book Reaching Your Prodigal: What Did I Do Wrong? What Do I Do Now? by Phil Waldrep and used some of his material when preparing this episode.
Let’s look closer at three aspects of this painful issue:
What are the types of prodigals?
What are some common responses?
What is the best way to love your prodigal?
3 Types of Prodigals
1. The Embarrassing or Defiant Prodigal - This type of prodigal is very outwardly rebellious. Their behavior might be publicly embarrassing, like being arrested for a crime, serving time in prison, or having a reputation of being untrustworthy. This might be a child who struggles with addiction or who is acting out in self-destructive ways.
2. The Cultural Prodigal - This child is different from the defiant prodigal in that he or she may not engage in public behavior that brings shame on their family. In fact they may be a very moral, successful and all-around good person. But they reject a biblical worldview. Their Christian faith has eroded, perhaps because they have doubts about God and the Bible and have turned to the secular world and the voices of the culture for answers. They may be disillusioned with God because of unanswered prayer.
3. The Distrusting Prodigal - Sometimes kids walk away from their families or their faith because they’ve been deeply hurt by religion. They’ve been treated harshly, their doubts haven’t been met with grace, or maybe they’ve experienced abuse of power by people who call themselves Christians but shamed them, mistreated them, or even abused them. To deal with that hurt, they cut themselves off from parents, family, friends, or church community.
Common Responses to a Prodigal
When a loved one walks away, there are several ways you might respond. You may feel embarrassed, ashamed, angry, or scared. If you’re a parent experiencing this with a child, you might go into fix-it mode: sending them Bible verses, nagging them, or getting into heated discussions to try and change their thinking. But that doesn’t work. Because you can’t fix, change, or control anyone else.
You also might choose to ignore the problem. Maybe it’s so painful, you don’t even want to think about your child and the choices they’re making, so you don’t acknowledge what’s going on. You might make excuses for them and live in a place of denial.
You might turn inward and suffer in silence. You may feel as if no one else understands, and whatever hope you may have originally had seems to fade to disappointment or even bitterness. Other people may stop checking in with you. No one reaches out to talk or pray with you. That’s a hopeless place to be. But there is hope: there are things you can do as you wait for your prodigal to return.
6 Principles for Loving Your Prodigal
1. Work through your own guilt
The reality is that we all have our own moral failings, and it’s possible to lose moral authority. Maybe there’s been brokenness in your own family that has hurt your child. You need to experience God’s grace for yourself. And if that’s where you’re at, then that’s a good place to be. God welcomes us as we bring all the parts of our heart to him. We can experience forgiveness and grace and be released from any guilt we may be holding onto as parents.
2. Remove any relational barriers
Apologize to your child for any ways you’ve wronged them. Take responsibility for your actions, apologize sincerely, and offer to make amends. Every parent, no matter how loving or well-intentioned, makes mistakes. Think back on the times you’ve criticized your child, spoken harshly to them, pressured them to achieve, or set expectations they couldn’t meet. Most children are receptive to a parent who is humble and wants to understand the impact of their actions.
3. Extend unconditional love
This principle is a tough one because if we’re honest with ourselves, our parenting is often based on performance. Our kids can pick up on this very easily. We affirm them when they are being “good” we scold them when they are being “bad”. Loving our child unconditionally doesn’t mean that we are approving of their behavior or their choices. But it is letting them know that our love for them isn’t based on them pleasing us or making us feel good about ourselves.
4. Allow the pain of wrong decisions
Sometimes we must step back and let our kids experience the consequences of their actions. It’s very difficult to do, especially when we see them suffer. But when they repent and come back home, they often have such an amazing testimony. They’ve tasted the bitter water that the world has to offer, and when they come back to fellowship, they have an enthusiasm and a credibility to share with others that is unique.
5. Watch your words
Our words carry a lot of weight. Kids can remember things that we’ve said years ago that we’ve long forgotten. When we’re feeling hurt by our children, or angry towards them, maybe the last thing we want to do is bless them. But it is helpful to remember the good things in our children, even if we may be displeased with their behavior. Find ways to affirm the good in your child. Ask them questions and listen patiently. Let them know that the door is open.
6. Pray the hard prayers. Pastor Erwin Lutzer, a guest on our narcissism episodes, has a book called A Practical Guide for Praying Parents that gives some ideas for prayers we can pray for our kids:
Change me first (search my own heart).
Give me a new perspective.
Stay in the fight for your child's heart (don’t give up). You may not see the fruit of your prayers in your lifetime.
Hope for a return to relationship.
Parents of prodigals, we recommend that you seek professional counseling so that you and your spouse – and other family members – have a safe, trusted place to process your feelings of loss and grief. Seek out friends who are supportive, and if possible, talk with other parents who are in a similar situation. You may feel despair and loneliness, but there is always hope, and you are not alone.
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