Have you ever wondered what it would look like to trust God with the parts of life you most want to manage?
In this helpful episode of our ongoing series, Uncovering Your Hidden Motives, Austin Conner, LPC, dives right into the weeds of control that may threaten to overtake you. He’ll explore what it means for you to become more flexible, practice humility, and make room for other people’s choices.
Rather than simply telling you to “let go”, Austin shares everyday examples of ways to be a good steward in four important areas: marriage, parenting, friendships, and work. He’ll explain how to share decisions, give others room to grow, and release responsibilities that you can’t—or shouldn’t—manage yourself. Then he’ll give you three practical steps for putting these ideas into practice.
Because changing your relationship with control isn’t natural or easy, this episode emphasizes the importance of inviting God into that process. Once you discover how trusting Jesus can help you face your fear and uncertainty, you’ll be able to take steps toward the freedom and faithfulness of a life lived in stewardship.
Highlights from this Episode
Last week, we covered the roots of control, which we divided into two lands. The land of stewardship is the place of healthy control over the areas of life that God has given us to care for and watch over. The land of dictatorship is where we forget about God and decide that we want to be completely in control of every aspect of our lives, regardless of the impact it has on ourselves and others.
The million-dollar question that we’re going to answer today is how do we manage the weeds of control in our lives and move from dictatorship back to stewardship?
From Gripping to Growing
It turns out there are 3 things you can do to manage the weeds of control.
1. Have less fear and more trust. Think about riding on a roller coaster. On one hand, it can be terrifying to think about hurtling along a track a great speeds, but you know they’re going to put a restraint over you, and then it’s no longer terrifying, but exhilarating. In the same way, as followers of Jesus, the foundation of our trust is in him. In the midst of our fear, we need to be reminded again and again of the one who is in charge.
The Bible reminds us constantly that God created everything and controls everything. For example, Colossians 1:15-17 says, “For by him, all things were created in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities, all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things and in him, all things hold together.”
Because Jesus has you in his grip, you can be freed up to trust others. That doesn’t guarantee that you’re not going to get hurt. But Jesus will be with you in the ups and downs of life. Not everyone around you is trustworthy, but if you look to Jesus first and foremost for your protection and guidance, he will not let you go.
2. Have less familiarity and more flexibility. When you assume that you have to be in control because you’ve always done it that way and you’re not willing to budge or compromise, you’re rigid and brittle. And that’s not the healthiest way to live.
If skyscrapers and bridges are rigid and inflexible, they’re going to snap under the stress. However, engineers design them to be flexible and move with the kinetic energy that is inevitably going to be placed upon them. The same dynamics are at play here.
Be flexible and allow your spouse to choose the vacation spot. At work, say yes to the intern that’s going to do the presentation so they can get some practice rather than you doing it for the 800th time. Let your kid make cinnamon rolls on their own even if they mess up the kitchen—and don’t scold them afterwards.
3. Have less pride and more humility. Humility isn’t being a doormat. It doesn’t mean that you always do what someone else wants. It is a willingness to loosen your grip on the things you always feel like you have to control: things like family activities, who belongs in your circle of friends, the plans you make, and the way you spend your time.
Stewardship in Everyday Life
How do you know you’ve moved across the border from dictatorship back to stewardship? There are 4 areas to pay attention to.
1. Letting go of control in marriage. For example, let your spouse choose where to go on a date. Celebrate the hobbies that your spouse has, even if they’re different than yours. How about financially? You make decisions together rather than one person having 100% control. If you’re the spender in your marriage and your spouse asks you to rein in your spending, that means you actually honor that request and you stay within a certain budget.
2. Letting go of control in parenting. Start to pay attention to the talents and the gifts that your child has and encourage them in those things rather than telling them what to do. You’re going to step back and provide support when needed but allow them to make some of their own decisions. You’ll ask them how they feel rather than assuming or telling them.
3. Letting go of control in friendship. A healthy sign is that you’re not making an effort to keep one or two friends to yourself. Instead, you’re open to allowing new people to join the group. Or if a close friend steps away, you don’t harbor resentment. Maybe you have a conversation and address those dynamics with them. If it’s clear they’re not interested in the same level of friendship anymore, it means letting go and grieving rather than attempting payback or revenge.
4. Letting go of control at work. To be a good steward is not taking advantage of your company, but instead honoring their policies. You’re honest about taking sick days. You do the job that you’re assigned. You give credit to others when it’s due. Sometimes you may have off days, but by and large, you’re showing up and doing the job well, rather than going through the motions or “quiet quitting”.
Let Go and Let God
Last, I want to share 3 very practical and tangible next steps in order to manage these weeds of dictatorial control.
1. Ask for God’s help to move from dictatorship into stewardship. You cannot will your way into giving up control. The desire for control is rooted in the heart. In Mark 7:20-23, Jesus says, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man come evil thoughts, sexual immorality. theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.”
These sinful impulses are things we cannot change and manage on our own. We need help, and God will give it to us when we ask. In the Old Testament book of Ezekiel, chapter 11, verse 19, God says, “I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them.”
God is going to frustrate your stubborn desire for dictatorial control. Then he’s going to help you loosen your grip and change your heart.
God is going to frustrate your stubborn desire for dictatorial control. Then he’s going to help you loosen your grip and change your heart.
2. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. When a spaceship comes back into the Earth’s atmosphere, it has to catch on fire before it lands. That moment feels very unsettling for the astronauts. But it’s normal—even necessary. In the same way, a lot of the changes that you and I need to make are not going to feel good at the beginning. That’s not a sign that anything’s going wrong. In fact, it’s a sign that it’s working.
Maybe you start small. Send a text without rereading it. Order something without reading every review. Let someone else choose the movie or restaurant. Allow others to feel what they feel without trying to change their feelings. Let someone complete a task without trying to correct them. This may be uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice letting go, the easier it will be.
3. Finally, you actually have to give up control. It’s not enough to know about these two lands and not move from one to the other. One of my seminary professors stopped me in my tracks when he said, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” We’re not used to hearing it said that way. This way of thinking is focused on the effort, not on the outcome. Maybe you’ll give up some control and it won’t go the way you thought it would. Maybe it will backfire. But you’re trying, and that’s important.
Lose Your Life—for His Sake
There’s one final verse that explains what is at stake here pretty explicitly and plainly. In Mark 8:35-36, Jesus says these words to his disciples and to a large crowd who was showing interest in following him: “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s sake will save it.” In these verses, the people who are ‘saving their lives’ are holding on to the good gifts God has given them as if they’re in charge. Jesus says these people are going to lose what they have.
However, there’s another group. Those who ‘lose their lives’ for Jesus’ sake and for the gospel’s sake are living in the land of stewardship. These people have loosened their grip, recognized that Jesus is the creator and king, and accepted that 100% of their lives are owned by him. In the end, the stewards will be rewarded.
This is the kind of life that Jesus is calling us to, because when this life of stewardship is lived out, it’s going to benefit you and the people around you. That is how God’s kingdom of love and justice and mercy is going to spread throughout the world. I hope and pray that this episode helps you continue to live in that land of stewardship that God has designed for you.