What if your desire to be in control is telling you something about what’s happening underneath the surface?
We all want some level of control in our lives, but there’s a difference between healthy control and the kind that leaves us—and the people around us—hurting. In this candid episode of Uncovering Your Hidden Motives, John Tinnin, MFT, and Austin Conner, LPC, dig down into the roots of control to explore what happens when healthy stewardship crosses the line into something more destructive.
We’ll explore the two lands of stewardship (good control) and dictatorship (bad control) and look at the ways you can move from one to the other in marriage, parenting, friendships, work, money, health, and even the way you use your time. You may be surprised at the ways your desire for control shows up in everyday life!
But recognizing controlling behavior is only part of the picture. We’ll also help you look beneath the behavior to understand why you reach for control in the first place. We’ll explore three hidden motives that can pull you toward control and shape the way you respond when life feels uncertain.
If you’re ready to uncover the weeds that may have taken root beneath the surface, this episode will help you recognize the difference between the things God has actually given you responsibility for and the things you were never meant to control.
Highlights from this Conversation
Today we’re talking about the roots of control. Each of us can relate to this in one way or another because we all struggle with wanting to be in control. The best way to start our discussion is to define ‘good control’ and ‘bad control’. It’s really a tale of two lands: the land of stewardship and the land of dictatorship.
Stewardship is a type of control that is healthy and godly. The first example of this is given in Genesis 1: 26-28:
Then God said, let us make man in our own image after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So God created man in his own image. In the image of God, he created him. Male and female, he created them. And God said to them, be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.
Dominion. Management. Control. God placed all the raw materials of creation under Adam and Eve’s stewardship. Stewardship recognizes that everything you have has been given to you by God and is ultimately under his control. The primary place where you have stewardship is over your internal life. The Bible calls that self-control, and it’s good. Your choices, preferences, decisions, emotions, actions, and thoughts. Your side of your relationship with others and with God.
But the story in the garden took a tragic turn. Adam and Eve left the land of stewardship and crossed the border into the land of dictatorship. They decided to disobey God under the illusion that it gave them control. Dictatorship leaves no room for God. It makes the assumption that anything and everything is under your control.
There are many things you have no control over. Things like other people and their choices, feelings, thoughts, actions, preferences, and decisions. There are circumstances like the weather, natural disasters, and disease. There’s politics, the economy, the stock market. There’s God, Satan, and the spirit world. But when you’re living in the land of dictatorship, you will try and control as much as you possibly can.
Moving from Control to Surrender
The Serenity Prayer really gets to the heart of the difference between these two lands: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The entirety of your life is essentially spent crossing the border back and forth between the two.
Psalm 8:6 says, “God has given men and women dominion over the works of your hands, and you have put all things under their feet.” This command isn’t just for Adam and Eve. God created us to live in the land of stewardship, united under a common purpose, to further his kingdom and spread his love, justice, and mercy. At the same time, because we are sinners, we have the constant desire to cross over into the land of dictatorship and control everything in our path.
A huge perspective shift can occur if you start thinking about the impact of your words and actions on the people around you. That’s something you may rarely consider. So we’re going to look 5 different areas of life and identify the signs that you may be trying to exert control in that area.
The Roots of Control in Everyday Life
Marriage
It’s sadly not uncommon for one spouse to try and control the other through guilt, manipulation, and emotional, verbal, and even physical abuse. Areas of control include finances, job choice, chores, communication, sex, and access to family and friends.
If you are the spouse that is being controlled and isolated, you may start to feel self-blame and ultimately, depression and hopelessness. You may even develop physical symptoms of stress and lose your sense of personhood. And whether you stay married or not, you will hold on to feelings of self-blame and helplessness unless you work through them and restore healthy ownership over your life.
Parenting
What does it look like to live in the land of dictatorship in the area of parenting? When your kids are little, it’s easy enough—and often necessary—to control what they wear, what they eat, where they go. As they get older, it may be difficult to step back and let them make their own decisions. You may decide what sports they play, how they spend their time, what shows they watch, who their friends are.
Other ways to control them can include harsh punishments and dictatorial rules through an authoritarian style of parenting. They may respond with compliance, or they may rebel, or they may become sneaky. Any of these responses mean that they are not getting the chance to practice making good decisions because they’re not allowed to individuate and exercise the muscle of discernment. And it means they won’t have a safe, healthy, trusting relationship with you.
Friendship
This may be an area that doesn’t get much discussion over the idea of control. But control can work its way into a friendship. A friend might try and control you by being condescending or rude. Or they may try and isolate you from other friends, disrespect your boundaries, and attempt to manipulate you into doing what they want. Some conflict in friendship is normal, but if you find yourself on the receiving end of unrealistic expectations, the silent treatment, gossip, and disparaging comments, you may need to take a step back and set some healthy boundaries.
Work
What does it look like to try and exert control at work? You don’t ever take a day off. You become a workaholic. You constantly override other peoples’ decisions. You don’t ever delegate responsibilities. You use your power and influence to get ahead at the expense of others. And in the end, you’ll be burned out, sloppy, and even face physical effects like illness and exhaustion. Your co-workers may be resentful and bitter. There’s no way you can control 100% of your image at work. And accepting that can be very difficult. Conversely, your manager or coworkers may try and control you through gossip, intimidation, and manipulation. In this case, you need strong boundaries.
Etcetera
We’re decided to create one more category—an etcetera bucket. Money is one thing we’ll put in this bucket. It can be very tempting to try and gain control by making money your god. Having money can mean power and freedom. It gives you more choices and more opportunities. You could be extremely unprincipled, but if you have money, people will flock to you. This is one of the reasons that Jesus says the love of money is the root of all evil. The way to combat this is to give sacrificially.
Exercise, fitness, and the pursuit of health is good and right. It can be done as a way to steward your physical body, but only to a point. It can take on the form of unhealthy dictatorship if you pursue health, fitness and appearance above all else. What is your motive? Why do you exercise? Is it done to maintain the health of the body that God has given you? Or are you doing it to maintain a certain image and impress people? It’s important to be honest with yourself.
Another area where you might cross over into dictatorship is when it comes to personal time. God gave us the Sabbath and told us to rest. He recognizes that the self has to be cared for. And we’re free to choose how we do that. But putting a greater value on your own personal time than being productive with the gifts God has given you or fulfilling the responsibilities of the role he has called you to means you’ve crossed over.
Now that we’ve given you some signs that you might live in the land of dictatorship, we need to discuss the underlying reasons. There are 3 main reasons that you may try and be in control. When you can understand the reasons why, then you can honestly bring them to God and take steps towards managing them.
The Motives Beneath the Surface
First, you may stay in control because of fear and uncertainty. There’s a part of you that worries what life would look like if you gave up control of your circumstances. In one sense, this is understandable, because the fear of the unknown can be very scary. Staying in control is a coping mechanism against feeling surprised or caught off guard.
You may fear vulnerability, consequences, and facing your own limitations. Control becomes a way of trying to prevent those feelings rather than confront them and understand them and learn how to manage them. And oftentimes anger will be the go-to when someone threatens your control. Anger is an appealing emotion because it feels powerful. But it can be destructive if not handled properly.
Second, you may choose control is because it’s familiar. Like the saying goes, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” Humans gravitate towards familiarity, even if it’s hurtful. For example, the Israelites wanted to go back into slavery in Egypt after God rescued them. Why? Because the future was uncertain, and they wanted to go back to what they knew. Sometimes prisoners, after being released, will commit a crime so they can go back to prison where things are familiar and predictable.
One way that may subtly show up in your life is when you are trying to keep old patterns of behavior. If you’ve never known anything different, it may feel weird and wrong to do things in a new way. For example, if you’ve always had a tight grip on the finances in your family, letting your spouse have a say might be scary for you.
Third, you may move from the land of stewardship to the land of dictatorship because of pride. Simply put, it’s about the love of power. God shows mercy to us in our multiple miseries, and many of them are because of sins done to us. But all of us also engage in plain old unrepentant acts of willful rebellion. I want to do what I want to do because I want to do it.
You sometimes want God out of the picture so that you can feel like you are in control. C.S. Lewis said, “When things are going well...I’m just fine to not hear from God.” And of course, multiple things can be true. You can resort to controlling behaviors because you’re fearful and because they’re familiar, but that does not exclude the fact that you also want to control things because you want to.
Psalm 10:4 captures this sentiment perfectly. It says, “In his pride, the wicked man does not seek him. In all his thoughts, there was no room for God”. That sums up life in the land of dictatorship. Another great illustration of this is Smeagol from Lord of the Rings: “My precioussss.” Nothing was going to get between him and the One Ring.
Of the three reasons that you cross the border, your pride is the most serious and does the most damage to the people and world around you. And it does the most damage to your own heart and soul.
Pride will keep you from even being willing or able to consider whether or not you’re trying to control things around you. It’s a major blind spot. And because of that, your prideful, sinful heart is the reason that Jesus came into the world. He took the full extent of just punishment and wrath that your pride earned for you.
Pride will keep you from even being willing or able to consider whether or not you’re trying to control things around you. It’s a major blind spot. And because of that, your prideful, sinful heart is the reason that Jesus came into the world. He took the full extent of just punishment and wrath that your pride earned for you.
When a Good Gift Becomes an Idol
Control in and of itself is not a problem. It’s actually a good thing that God intended to give to his people, but under the form of stewardship. Stewards recognize that they’re watching over and caring for something that was given to them and in the end, isn’t theirs to keep. But thanks to sin, we take that good gift, divorce it from the giver, and morph into dictators.
Control can be an easy sin to hide, which is why we’re taking time to reflect on it. If you have trouble seeing it in your life, a good starting point is to ask yourself, “Which land am I living in? How close to the border am I? Where and when do I cross over from stewardship into dictatorship? If I stepped back from trying to control someone or something, what would that cost me?”
You might be wondering just how to root out the weeds of control. Stay tuned for next week when we cover that in detail.