Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child

Offering support without control

When your child becomes an adult, you may feel like an era of ‘friendship’ is beginning – now you can have a deeper, more mature relationship with them as they enter new stages of life.

But setting boundaries with adult kids can feel like a delicate dance—loving them deeply while giving them space to grow. You want to stay close to them, but you also have to let them make their own decisions.

In this episode of our ongoing series, Parenting in the Weeds, Lynn and John discuss the complexities of transitioning from parenting young children to building healthy, respectful relationships with adult children.

As you listen in to Lynn & John’s conversation, you’ll hear:

• Their personal stories of parenting adult children

• Ways to communicate with your child that allow for autonomy and responsibility

• 5 principles for setting boundaries with your adult child

• Reasons why setting boundaries is “easier said than done”

Highlights from the Episode

Parenting adult kids is tricky: their life choices have more impact on their lives. From choosing a college, a major, and navigating relationships, dating, careers, and marriage, they will be making decisions that have the potential for negative or permanent consequences. It’s tempting to treat them like they are 5 years old when they’re 25 years old, but that’s just not going to work.

Here are some principles for setting healthy boundaries that are supportive rather than controlling:

1. Boundaries Are Loving, Not Controlling. You may feel guilty about setting boundaries, like it’s pushing your child away to have guidelines in your relationship. But boundaries show love by respecting their independence while protecting your own peace.

Every family dynamic is different. You may have a child that is very independent and they hardly even contact you and there’s no need to really implement boundaries. But you may have another child who is slower to mature and they’re having a hard time taking responsibility for themselves. Boundaries guide adult kids toward responsibility without hovering.

Parents often feel like they need to “rescue” their adult child—paying their bills or letting them live at home without rules. But that can stunt their growth. A loving boundary might be, “We’re happy to have you here, but you need to contribute to household expenses.”

For each of these principles there’s a reason why it’s easier said than done. When it comes to setting loving boundaries, it can be difficult to do this because it means you are going to have to learn to tolerate and live with the anger or negativity that you might receive from your child when you say “No.”

2. Be a Mentor, Not a Manager. This means that you’ll need to respect their autonomy. Your adult child is their own person now, making their own choices— whether they’re good or not, whether you disagree with them or not.

The goal is for you and your child to have mutual respect as they move into mature adulthood. Hopefully they value your advice and are open to your feedback - like you might give and receive feedback with a good friend.

It’s never too late to try and repair “hurts that hang on” – things that have never been truly repaired. It takes courage to ask your child if you suspect you’ve hurt them. Name the thing and tell them you’d like to listen empathetically and non-defensively. Assure them that your goal isn’t to justify yourself but really understand so that you can work toward healing what has been wounded.

What about when things are good between you and your adult child - when you don’t have a major break in the relationship? Galatians 6:5 says, “Each one should carry their own load.” God designed us to take responsibility for our lives, and adult kids need that space. As a mentor, you can still be there to support, love, offer guidance, but not take on their problems as your own. So a boundary might be, “I’m here to talk, but I won’t make decisions for you.”

Why is being a mentor but not a manager easier said than done? As a parent, you want to step in and manage your kids’ lives when you think it’s not going well. It’s tempting to want to micromanage them and tell them, “Well, this is how I did it,” but that can overstep a boundary and short-circuit the natural learning that comes from them experiencing the consequences of their choices.

3. Communicate Boundaries Clearly, Consistently and Calmly. Boundaries only work if they’re specific, and they land better when delivered with kindness. Vague rules or harsh delivery can lead to confusion or hurt feelings. In fact, boundaries themselves are so powerful they give you the freedom to be soft and gentle when you put them in place. Let the boundary do its own work.

Sometimes parents assume their kids “should know” the boundaries, but they never spell them out. Or they just respond angrily in a shaming tone out of their frustration, and it damages the relationship. Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love—that’s the goal here. A clear boundary might be, “We’re happy to help with rent for three months while you get settled, but after that, you’ll need to cover it.” Don’t say things in the heat of an argument that you don’t mean. Plan your words carefully and think about timing.

Some reasons why communicating boundaries is easier said than done include: fear that your adult child may not like you; anger that you might say something that could damage the relationship further; not knowing how to go about setting healthy boundaries. This is where resources like books on boundaries and communication can come in handy – or seeking counseling individually or together with your child.

4. Offer Grace, Not Guilt Trips. A guilt trip is when a parent uses words or actions to make a child feel responsible for the parent’s emotions or to manipulate behavior. For example, “If you loved me, you’d be here to take me to my doctor's appointment,” or “I guess I’ll just do it myself since you don’t care.”

Guilt trips can be insidious, but parents often use them as a way to try and stay connected to their adult children. Many adult children believe it is their job to make their parents happy and they’ve developed anxiety or perfectionism because they’re afraid of letting their parents down.

You don’t want to do that to your adult kids. That’s not healthy boundary-setting, that’s a round-about way of keeping your kids close to because you don’t like the feeling of not being a part of their lives. They have friends, co-workers, and possibly a romantic relationship now, and eventually they may marry and leave and cleave.

These are all really GOOD things, but you might feel left out or left behind, and use guilt trips and manipulation to keep your kids close. That’s why this principle is easier said than done. A better response is to offer them grace and freedom to make their own decisions about how they spend their time and with whom.

5. Respect Their Autonomy. Boundaries should reflect this shift, allowing them to make their own choices—even mistakes—while you offer guidance only when invited. For example, refrain from giving unsolicited advice about their career or relationships, as this can feel like overstepping.

Remember that boundaries evolve. If your adult child moves back home (say, due to economic challenges), you may need to renegotiate expectations upfront—covering rent, chores, or privacy—to avoid resentment. Similarly, with grandchildren involved, you might set limits on how often you babysit to balance support with your own life.

You may be in an exceedingly difficult and trying season with your adult kids. You are having to enact serious boundaries and consequences in ways that you never dreamed of, even perhaps to the point of cutting off contact with the adult child because their choices are negatively affecting other children in the home or even your marriage.

In these situations, it’s important to understand that you’re not the solution to your child’s bad choices. You need to figure out what role you are going to play and not take on the responsibility for the happiness and healthiness of your child.

This means choosing a posture of loving detachment - which can cause you pain. You’ll need to tolerate the negative emotions that come with not being close to your child and accepting that you cannot fix, change, or control them. And you’ll need to be praying for healing and restoration in the relationship.

Reaping the Rewards of Healthy Boundaries

God’s grace is available to you at every stage of parenting, from being your child’s primary source of guidance to a role where you support them as they make their own decisions. Being a supportive parent means accepting that your role will shift over time. Remember, even when it’s easier said than done, healthy boundaries create space for trust, maturity, and deeper connection, and the hard work of setting boundaries will be worth it in the long run.

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Recommended Resources:

How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningful Communication by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke

Reaching Your Prodigal: What Did I Do Wrong? What Do I Do Now? by Phil Waldrep

Loving Your Prodigal - a helpful, encouraging episode from our Managing Your Dysfunctional Family series