Listen in: The Road to Divorce Part 1
Divorce has become all too common in our culture. We all know couples that are divorced. But what happened? How did they get there? Are you on the road to divorce? If so, how do you know?
In this episode of our ongoing series, Making Marriage Work, John, Lynn, and Austin discuss what the Bible has to say about divorce, 4 patterns that let you know you might be on the road to divorce, and the tangible and harmful impact that divorce can have on spouses and children.
This episode will help you evaluate signs and symptoms that indicate your marriage is in trouble – and that you’re on the road to divorce. In The Road Away from Divorce Part 2, we highlight behaviors that you and your spouse can do in order to get off the road toward divorce and on the road to connection, health, and growth.
Why Talk About Divorce?
Many times people avoid the topic of divorce because it’s unpleasant and painful, and talking about it might seem to be endorsing divorce as the best solution for a troubled marriage. However, we know this topic is relevant to a lot of people – in fact, even if you are not divorced, you most likely have friends or family who have been directly affected by divorce.
If you are considering divorce or already divorced, we’re not here to make you feel bad or dwell on unhelpful aspects of the past. If you’ve been divorced and haven’t yet been remarried but are currently dating or considering getting remarried, in a few weeks we’ll devote an entire episode to that topic.
Maybe you have a good friend or a co-worker going through a divorce or maybe you’ve been faced with the unfortunate reality of divorce. This reality exists whether or not you're a Christian. So being a Christian and attending church does not inoculate you from divorce or the possibility of divorce.
We believe that the more consciously aware you are of patterns, habits, beliefs, or behaviors that strongly correlate with divorce, the more intentional you can be to work on those things so that divorce is not necessarily inevitable. Nobody gets married wanting to get divorced. Hopefully the content we share today will help explain why divorce happens.
What Does the Bible Say About Divorce?
In Matthew 19:9, Jesus says, “Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Jesus is saying if one spouse commits sexual immorality – in other words, has a physical affair with someone else - that person is within their rights to get divorced. It doesn’t mean they have to, but it means they’re allowed to.
To put this command in context, in Jesus’ day, it was very common - and allowed - for husbands to divorce their wives for very minor things. Therefore, when Jesus says, “Whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality,” he is prohibiting divorce for the many trivial reasons that were frequently used in the first century, which led to injustice for women whose husbands suddenly divorced them for something small.
Besides adultery, another situation that allows for divorce is willful desertion or abandonment. This includes different types of abuse: emotional, physical, verbal, financial, sexual. This isn’t when your spouse offends you over everyday matters. This is when someone has forsaken their obligations to maintain the marriage covenant.
That principle comes from 1 Corinthians 7; if a spouse actually physically leaves, moves away, or otherwise abandons their spouse, the other person is within their rights to get divorced. That’s the letter of the law. But there’s also the spirit of the law – wedding vows made before God and others are meant to be honored. However we approach divorce, it's clear that there are biblical grounds for it. It's one way that God extends mercy to someone who's in a destructive, abusive relationship.
We want to be clear: God designed marriage, and he created the marriage covenant to be sacred and to be taken very seriously. You should never enter into marriage lightly. You should consider the weight of the vows that you’re taking. There are times where couples are in the midst of the “ordeal” that we’ve spoken of in this series, and they want to hit the eject button and get out of a miserable situation.
Before that happens, serious questions need to be asked: Is this a severe breach of the trust covenant in the relationship? Is it adultery? Is it willful desertion? Has trust been so shattered that it can't be restored? Or are there steps that can be taken? Divorce should be like an amputation, in that it should be rare and used sparingly, when a person's life is threatened. If you have a limb that has gangrene or frostbite, it is better to remove the limb to save your life, but you're also going the rest of your life without a limb. There are consequences to divorce even when it is necessary.
4 Specific Patterns on the Road to Divorce
Our previous podcast, 4 Habits of a Healthy Marriage, covered some of the common divorce predictors like stonewalling and contempt, so we’d like to focus on other things that may be harder to notice but have just as much of a negative impact on your relationship. If these are present in your marriage, you're on a rocky trajectory.
1. Harsh Start Up: A ‘harsh start up’ happens when a conversation is begun negatively, with criticism, a harsh tone of voice, and aggressive body language. If you start a conversation this way, it’s going to cause the other person to get defensive and lash out – and now you’re in a battle. This behavior pattern is prevalent in couples who have been tracked over the long haul and whose marriage ended in divorce. It helps to remember this: the way you begin a conversation determines how the conversation will end.
2. Flooding: If you don’t know how to regulate your emotions, then when you are triggered, your emotions take over the rational part of your brain. Your judgment is impaired, and you stop thinking about what you should or should not say. This happens to everyone at some point or another; just think about a time when your mouth is moving and words are coming out, but you don’t know if you’re making any sense.
Even though you’re not making sense, you feel compelled to continue talking to make your point. What might make you even more overwhelmed is if your partner tells you that you’re not thinking rationally. And flooding may lead to – or intensify – the harsh start up that we just talked about. If you’re flooded and have intense emotions pulsing through your body, that will come out as anger in conversation.
3. Failed Repair Attempts: This is when your attempts to reconcile with the other person haven’t worked out, or you don’t even know how to begin to repair things between you. Maybe you’ve apologized for something that you said or did or that you didn’t say or do. Instead of receiving gratitude and forgiveness from the other person, you were met with indifference or even contempt.
At that point, your bitterness and resentment towards the other person increases. If they come to you to attempt to work things out, you’re going to get flooded and give them the same treatment they gave you, and this downward spiral will continue.
4. Negative Sentiment Override: When this occurs, you’re seeing everything that your partner does through a negative lens. Nothing they do is good enough, and everything they do annoys you – even their breathing. This negative lens puts you in a place where you can’t see the good in the other person at all. You begin to see them as your enemy and may treat them as your enemy.
Tangible and Harmful Impacts of Divorce
Now that we’ve looked at the patterns that let you know you’re on the road to divorce, let’s talk a bit about the impact divorce can have on spouses and kids. If you are already divorced, we don’t want to add to your shame. Divorce introduces complex and difficult dynamics for adults and kids, but it does not mean that things are hopeless. Instead, we want to help you understand what’s at stake in the future for you and your kids, if divorce happens or has already happened.
Divorce introduces complex and difficult dynamics for adults and kids, but it does not mean that things are hopeless. Instead, we want to help you understand what’s at stake in the future for you and your kids, if divorce happens or has already happened.
1. Divorce is expensive: We’re not diving into ‘heart stuff’ yet with this first point, although considering the financial cost can force you to decide what you really value. Your standard of living, particularly for women, is going to go down in a divorce scenario. It’s not the only reason to stay together, but it is certainly something that should be taken into account.
2. It’s going to impact your relationships: If you have children with your ex, your relationship with them won’t end; in fact, now you will have to navigate co-parenting, custody agreements, finances, and logistics for your kids. Because custody is usually shared, you’re going to see your kids less and this will change your relationship with them. Sadly sometimes a woman who has strong biblical grounds to get divorced often sticks it out because they worry about what will happen to their kids when they’re not around. This is an extremely painful, no-win situation.
If possible, you can start to work on things like how to stand up for yourself, manage your finances, maintain your boundaries, and figure out who to trust before you even file for divorce, because you're going to have to have those skills if you do end up getting divorced.
3. It’s going to impact your kids: When divorce happens, children often wonder if they are the problem or even caused the divorce. This introduces negative self-talk which can be overcome, but it will take a long time for them to ‘undo’ that inner critical voice. Your children may start to view marriage with skepticism and cynicism. Their own relationships will be impacted; they may grow fearful and clingy or become distant and isolated.
In her book, Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, Elizabeth Marquardt recounts her own experience of her parents’ divorce and the impact it had on her. She said, “Once they divorced, I never felt central in my parents' lives or truly secure in their separate worlds…the day my parents divorced was the day my childhood ended.”
She also talks about the fierce moral drama that unfolds in the wake of divorce, revolving around common questions that kids must eventually answer for themselves: What do my parents think and believe? What do I believe? What's the right thing to do? If you are contemplating divorce, you should feel the weight of the impact it can have on your kids. It should be very sobering.
One last way it impacts kids is that it changes their view of God. It's going to be difficult for them to believe that God is in control and then he's going to take care of them. It's going to be hard to listen to Jesus when he tells us not to be anxious because God's going to provide everything that you need.
Where Do We Go from Here?
God can and does use every situation to bring about his will and to work in and through families that are imperfect. We see that all throughout Scripture. If you are considering divorce, we hope this episode encourages you to take some time and work on some things before you make that decision. Or perhaps now you understand that you have biblical grounds for divorce, and there's no shame in that.
Either way, it’s important to know the patterns and the impact - because when you know where you are, you can more effectively take steps where you want to go, which we hope is away from divorce. In our next episode, we will explain some pathways to prevent divorce and offer the hope of healing for your marriage.
Recommended Resource: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver