When Attraction Crosses the Line
Could you be in the danger zone?
Few things can unravel trust, intimacy, and family relationships as deeply as adultery. Even hearing the word can bring up grief, anger, shame, fear, and painful memories. For some, this commandment feels intensely personal because they’ve experienced betrayal firsthand. For others, it exposes struggles, temptations, or regrets they’ve hidden for years.
In this honest episode of our ongoing series, 10 Keys to the Universe, Ryan and Kelley Wampler join Austin to talk about the devastating effects of infidelity, sharing personal stories of how adultery impacted their own families and shaped the way they view trust, marriage, and faithfulness. Together, they unpack God’s original design for relationships and why intimacy was always meant to flourish within safety, commitment, and covenant love.
The conversation also moves beyond the narrow definition of adultery as only physical affairs. From emotional attachment and flirtation to pornography and secret online interactions, there are subtle ways our hearts can drift away from faithfulness. Along the way, the hosts discuss the role of temptation, the danger of secrecy, and why honesty and accountability matter so much when attraction begins to grow in unhealthy directions.
Most importantly, this episode offers hope. Whether you’ve been betrayed, made mistakes yourself, or fear repeating patterns you’ve seen in your family, failure is not the end of the story. Through confession, repentance, wisdom, and the grace of Jesus, healing and restoration are always possible, even in relationships marked by deep hurt and broken trust.
Highlights from this Interview
Austin: Today my special guests are Ryan and Kelley Wampler. They co-lead the small groups ministry here at The Crossing, which is the church we’re based out of in Columbia, Missouri. Ryan and Kelley, hello and welcome.
Ryan: Thanks for having us, Austin. Both Kelley and I work with small groups here at The Crossing. It’s been a privilege to be a part of The Crossing for 24 years out of the 25 years it’s been in existence. There are so many people, so many stories, and so many changed lives that it’s been a blessing to be a part of over the years.
Austin: So glad to have you here. In our 10 Keys to the Universe series thus far, we’ve covered the first six commandments. Today we are at number seven: You shall not commit adultery. This can be a painful subject for many people. If you’ve been betrayed in marriage, then you know the damage it can inflict—not just on you, but on kids, extended family, friends, and more. Maybe you’re angry, hurt, and confused because this happened to you.
On the flip side, if you’ve committed adultery, you might feel guilty and ashamed for what you’ve done. If so, that’s godly shame as the result of your actions, but you might also feel frustrated that nobody’s going to let you forget about the harm that you caused, even if you have demonstrated genuine repentance.
You might come from a family where this happened. I haven’t shared much about my own story before, but my dad had an affair. He was repentant and we’ve been able to work through it as a family. But it had a devastating impact. Kelley and Ryan, what has your own experience been? When and how have you been affected by infidelity?
Kelley: It’s affected my family too. When I was in third grade, my parents got divorced because my dad had an affair. It was a really messy situation that was riddled with dysfunction. For many years, I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married because I didn’t want to possibly go through something so painful again. Since I didn’t see a model of faithfulness, it made me wonder if having a loving and committed marriage was even possible. The good news is that it is.
Ryan: When people have committed adultery, they are often branded and stigmatized. There’s a sense in which even discussing it is taboo. It keeps people from really being honest with it because it feels so dark and ugly and never something you want to be true of you, that you just have a tough time being honest and maybe getting help when you need it.
Austin: I love how you talked about being honest and getting help, and we’ll get to that a little bit later, but that’s really well said. We want to talk about it today because God gave this command for a reason. When we understand why and prioritize it, then our lives can flourish and bring goodness to those around us.
First, we’re going to talk about God’s original design for relationships, and then we’re going to see where and how things went wrong. Second, we’re going to discuss and define adultery. Next, we’ll talk about the specific ways that adultery or even attraction to someone else other than your spouse might happen to you.
If you’re single, this episode is still for you because one day you might be in a relationship or maybe you are single because you were cheated on in the past, and as you look for another relationship, you have real fears. So this isn’t just for people who are married.
Last, we’re going to end with some tangible ways that you can obey and live out this commandment with faithfulness and integrity. Kelley, tell us just a little bit about God’s design for relationships, and where and how things went wrong.
Kelley: When I think about a good theology of relationships and sex, where did it come from? Where did these ideas originate? When we look back at the very beginning of the Bible and the book of Genesis, we see God creating man and woman to be in this intimate and loving and committed and purposeful relationship.
God said, “It’s not good for man to be alone,” and he longs for us to be in a relationship with both of them, but also with each other in profound and satisfying ways. The other thing we see is Adam and Eve being naked and unashamed, meaning they knew the deepest parts of each other and felt accepted and valued and known. They were told to become one flesh and be fruitful and multiply.
Austin: I love how you said that. They long for intimacy, not just sexual, but emotional and relational intimacy as well. I’m really in awe because this good gift that God wants to give us of this deep and vibrant intimacy with our spouse, is one of life’s greatest joys. God knew that it takes safety and trust and faithfulness for that intimacy to be cultivated, which is why in his kindness, he gives us the commandment we’re talking about today.
God knew that it takes safety and trust and faithfulness for that intimacy to be cultivated, which is why in his kindness, he gives us the commandment we’re talking about today.
Ryan: The serpent tells Eve that if she eats from the tree, that she will have the knowledge of good and evil and that she will see like God sees. Eve saw that the fruit was good. So for the first time in the story, we see discontentment. She’s no longer content with what she’s been given but takes something she wasn’t meant to take. She went outside of the relationship with God and the parameters he gave her.
Kelley: Sin is always seeking to distort the good things that God has given. You need to ask yourself, what’s the original good thing that God gave me, and what desire am I chasing after? Is it what God intends for me to have?
Austin: That brings us to the 7th commandment, “You shall not commit adultery”. Adultery is a powerful, serious word. Maybe when you hear it, it feels irrelevant, because you haven’t had sex with anyone besides your spouse. But as you can tell from the title of the episode, we want to address the broader issue of attraction. What are some subtle forms of adultery or attraction that are unhealthy?
Kelley: As with most of the commandments, in the New Testament, Jesus ups the game. He doesn’t confine it to physical infidelity. He’s looking at your heart, not just your behavior. In Matthew 5, he says, if you lust after a woman in your heart, you’ve committed adultery. At its core, adultery isn’t just about behavior, but it’s about a misdirected desire or a broken trust.
The easy access to porn that is found in the digital space breaks my heart. It’s an epidemic that has literally shifted the landscape of sexuality in a way I’ve never seen in my time. It’s more than that: it’s sexting or exchanging explicit photos, fantasy relationships, Only Fans, even just flirting and exchanging DMs or using apps that you wouldn’t want your spouse to see.
Women have to watch out for emotional attraction, that feeling of excitement or longing or an emotional dependence on another person. For men and women, you can start to have a spark with somebody else. When you feel that way, the temptation can be to hide it. You start to tell feel like your spouse doesn’t “get you” and this other person does.
Austin: Adultery exists on a spectrum; the relational impact can look very different depending on the situation. For example, briefly developing emotional closeness with a coworker is not the same as carrying on a years-long affair, even though both cross boundaries. Also, cultural attitudes can change. Sometimes adultery has been seen as extremely shameful. Other times it’s considered to be not a big deal. This is even more reason why we need to turn to the Bible for our standards of marriage and faithfulness.
Kelley: I worked in a sales environment early in our marriage and was surprised by how married coworkers flirted openly, removed wedding rings at conferences, and made inappropriate plans together. During that season, what started as friendly conversation turned into attraction to a coworker. Right before going to dinner alone with him at a conference, I felt a powerful “Holy Spirit moment” warning me not to go through with it.
After that experience, I reached out to trusted friends for accountability and intentionally turned my attention back toward investing in her marriage. Later, Ryan and I were able to talk honestly about what had happened and process the hurt it created. I wouldn’t have thought I could ever be in that situation. It was a huge wake-up call, and a reminder that my heart is sick above all else and I need to tend to it.
Ryan: Over our 20 years of ministry, there are the people that I know that have allowed themselves to be attracted to people online, or developed porn addictions that led to hookups with random people in town and destroyed marriages. I’ve seen pastors and small group leaders at other churches who have succumbed. You can’t control when the spark happens, but you choose how you respond to it. You’re either going to keep it going, or put it out.
Austin: One of my seminary professors said, “Affairs are never about sex.” At first I didn’t even know what he meant. But his point was that attraction is usually a gradual process that happens in subtle ways. And it’s usually about being seen and feeling validated.
It’s important to understand how the ‘adultery train’ starts to pick up speed. It begins with whatever is happening or not happening in the marriage—criticism, resentment, disconnection, lack of effort put into the relationship. Then when the spark happens, if you’re not paying attention, you can start to think about the other person more than you think about your spouse, or compare your spouse to them unfavorably.
Ryan: Every marriage will experience discontentment in some degree or another. The honeymoon phase will end. You will be discontent. And that is not a sign that you need to leave.
Every marriage will experience discontentment in some degree or another. The honeymoon phase will end. You will be discontent. And that is not a sign that you need to leave.
Austin: Well said. And then the question is, “What do I do next?” Here are four practical ways to pump the brakes on the ‘adultery train’ once it’s left the station:
Be honest with yourself. Admit you’re attracted to someone else. Once you admit it, you realize it’s a big deal. You’re bringing it into the light. Admitting is always the first step to freedom.
Confess your sin. Psalm 51 is David’s lament and confession after he coerced Bathsheba into sleeping with him and had her husband killed. He says to God, “Against you and you alone have I sinned.” Yes, he had sinned against Bathsheba and her husband, but ultimately he sinned against God. So confess to God and then confess to your spouse.
Cut off communication with the other person. You have to break it off. It can be difficult to do this. Let your spouse take the lead and do what makes them comfortable. You may think you don’t need to do this, but unless you do, you’ll be re-ensnared.
Create new habits in your marriage. Maybe you’ll go on a walk every day. Or go for coffee once a week. Talk about emotional intimacy together. Ask your spouse, “How are you really doing? What’s really going on? How can I meet your needs? Can I share my needs?” Cultivating emotional intimacy can really be helpful in preventing affairs or repairing hurts. We list resources at the end that can help with this.
Ryan: The woman at the well in John 4 has had several husbands and she’s living with somebody who’s not her husband right now. Jesus knew what she had done, and yet he still treated her with respect and dignity and said that there’s hope for her to find living water. Whatever choices you’ve made, God knows, and he’s not shocked by it.
Austin: Getting off the adultery train might hurt. It might blow up the current living situation. It might make things more painful. You might have to confess things that are going to send a spouse spiraling. And those are painful. In the long run, you’ve come clean. You’ve got a freer conscience. When you trust in Jesus, he’s not going to let you go. He’s got you right now. And he offers forgiveness.
Ryan and Kelley, your perspective and wisdom is such a gift. Ryan, would you pray for us as we close?
Ryan: Heavenly Father, thank you for creating us as relational beings with the ability to connect with others. Thank you for your wonderful commands. We confess all the ways that we try to connect with people that are against your wisdom and guidelines. Thank you for being willing to forgive us. Wake us up in the early stages of temptation and help us to turn back to contentment, to faithfulness, and trust in you. We pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Recommended Resources
The Trauma of Betrayal & Infidelity - WYITW podcast episode with the Raabsmiths
How Did I Get Addicted to Porn? - WYITW podcast episode
How We Love - Discover your love style & end your repetitive fight forever
Building True Intimacy - book by Dan Drake & the Raabsmiths
Making Marriage Work - WYITW podcast series
Making Marriage Work Small Group Study - a free download you can use to give your marriage a gentle tune-up